Really?

Driving home tonight from small group, I was scanning the radio to find the primary updates. Finally found a station - It wasn't NPR - but it was another talk radio in the low 90's.. Anyway, they quickly gave the updates then immediately started talking about Christianity, which made me stop scanning.

Well, that was until I heard this...the reporter was saying that due to the success of Netflix, some Christian organization has decided to have a similiar operation that had only family friendly movies. Here is my question, do you really need to order Sound of Music from a Christian site? I am pretty sure you will get the same movie if you rent it from Blockbuster or Netflix. I mean come on. It is situations like this that I understand why people are not attracted to Christianity. We as Christians are so terrified of being in our world that we segerate ourselves from people who are different from us. But the funny thing is, Jesus never seperated himself....


Anyway, things I loved about tonight:
1. small group
2. Obama in a close 2nd win in NH primary.
3. John Edward's wife walking in to give a speech and Ryan Adams being played in the background...how cool is that?
4. My friends becoming politically engaged.

how am i going to get there?

It has been awhile, and thankfully, I don't feel like I am surrounded by darkness (see post below) any longer. There is only one reason to explain this, and it is what God has and is doing in my life. One Sunday, my pastor was speaking about putting ourselves in the way of what God is doing. Meaning, in those times that we are sitting back question - "God, what is going on? etc, etc" maybe God wants us to pair ourselves up with other believers. I firmly believe that without a community surrounding us, we fall....or at least this is a huge lesson I learned post college. So I decided to join a small group at church.

Let me tell you a little bit about my small group. I didn't want to join a small group, because it calls for you to be vulnerable and open. I have learned if you just open yourself up to what God possibly wants to do, you will be extremely blessed and hearts will change. And I have been blessed. These girls are becoming such great friends - I love them dearly and I am SO thankful for them.

Okay, on to last night...I went out to dinner with a few of the girls from small group and Erin's roommates. We were eating and Hope said "if you have any political question, ask kat. - she loves it..." So was i asked many questions and was more than happy to answer...then it led me telling them how I long to work in politics, etc. I was simply asked "well, what are you going to do to get there?" It is such a simple question - but one that I have no idea how to answer.

Today I have spent a lot of time researching grad schools, but I started thinking...what can I do know to make it happen? This is my new plan - I am contacting the Obama campaign and am going to tell them about my experience and just volunteer. Who knows what will come of simply volunteering and putting myself among the democrats of Nashville.

I love Obama and want he stands for. Thursday night was a night of history - and I can't wait to see what happens over the next month or so. Every time I hear him make a speech - I get goosebumps - why wouldn't I want someone like him to be my president??? In my opinion it is better to be inspired than embarrassed by your president :).

I love how God isn't letting me feel comfortable with life...I really think it's because he made me with this passion and I won't feel satisfied in my career until I am doing what I was designed to do...I just need to get there.

Darkness + Easter?

As I am sitting in my bed pondering what I heard tonight at church and taking my thoughts and comparing it with what this last year has been...I feel nothing but darkness. I honestly have never been this dead inside and right now I am pretty scared of myself. There is this thick and sad coldness that is in my life...I used to be so happy and loved life. this past year, I have done things that I never imagined possible...have been down alleys that I never wanted to go...that now, I just sit here with a soul that is loaded with guilt and shame. the funny thing about myself is - it is so easy for me to talk to my friends about this...but the moment I even want to try to talk to Jesus...I can't.

but the ironic thing is...the only place I have to turn with the shame and guilt is Jesus...seriously - I talk to my friends...but they can't do anything for me. they can listen and be supportive, but they can't change my heart. they aren't able to take the guilt and turn it into glory...

I don't know - I only write this on here because I feel safe because I know not many people read this...if any.

but when I come to the end of this...I do realize that I have hope...I have this undeniable voice in my soul that I can't get rid of...I have this voice that even when I went down those incorrect paths...I still was able to hear a slight whisper. that whisper was telling me not to do those things; because his path was better...but I didn't listen...I...I wanted to go down the path I was creating for myself. but what was at the end of the path is where I am right now.

lately, I have been reminded often about the wonderful thing about Christ...is once I am his...I will always be his...and the most complicated subject matter ever...he is utterly and foolishly in love with me. I hardly even like myself right now...I can't imagine him loving me so much. I compare this a lot to my friendship I have with Renee. that girl knows more about me than anyone...I am most honest with her...andshe never loves me differently. it is funny that I am now able to see one of the many purposes she has in my life...she has been a consistent reflection of Christ to me...since high school (thanks RJ :)!

there is something about that...that brings tears to my eyes everything time I think it. He, whom knows everything about me, loves me the most. why is it that it is something i and many others flee?

...so about 15 minutes after I wrote the above...i get ready to start my week. I first go to put the Ipod back on my alarm and i always turn it on to test the volume and make sure the song won't make me want to throw my ipod out my window...God is funny...it was a song by David Crowder Band...Rescue is Coming...see lyrics below...

There’s a darkness in my skin
My cover’s wearing thin, I believe
I’d love to start again, go back to innocent
And never leave

Don’t give up now
A break in the clouds
We could be found
There’s nothing wrong with me
It’s just that I believe things could get better
And there’s nothing wrong with love
I think it’s just enough to believe

Rescue is coming
Rescue is coming
Rescue is coming
Rescue is coming

And there’s nothing wrong with you
And nothing left to do
But believe something bigger
And there’s nothing wrong with love
I know it’s just enough to believe
Don’t give up now
A break in the clouds
We will be found
Rescue is coming now

where did my safe life go???

you hear about cancer on Grey's Anatomy, or your dearest friend - suddenly her mom is diagnosed with leukemia - but when you talk to your dad during your work day...only to discover that your step-mother's mom, in all essence - grammy - has cancer that has spread very quickly throughout her body...it hits you in a real way that is unexplainable.

how do you take news like that in and digest it? how do i handle the fact that when I tell people - they talk about how crappy their day was. I am not trying to be selfish - but I don't care if you had a bad morning...I just found out that my grandmother has cancer.

what a word...cancer...something that is so prevalent in our society...but something that everyone wishes would be gone. it is kind of like sin...it is all around me ...i want it to not be around...but it is... lurking to come the surface...but for the most part I ignore it...until I HAVE to face it...and all I want to do is run and hide and pretend it isn't there. all I want to do is not think about it...not think about how it is hurting my family...but it is all I can think about. it is crazy how sin and cancer are so much alike...

what a day......right now i wish that i was young, because currently i miss thinking that life was painless and easy...where did that safe world go?

coffee with someone from the past...

I ran into my old YL leader a few months ago...I was in the process of moving to Nashville and she had lived here for a few years...anyway...we found each other on Myspace...and tonight we finally had coffee and talked. She is just as wonderful from what I remember. her and I had this bond when she was my leader...I could simply talk to her and I always felt as if we were friends.

I am beyond proud of her - she is following her dream and there is something about that that is beautiful and encouraging. She is so real - it is a gift to meet up with someone after 6+ years and feel like you just saw them last week. I am so blessed that she is back in my life...

to my point - tonight was refreshing...I was able to talk to someone about my dreams for my life...and she actually was supportive and asked me questions, expressing how neat it is that God has given me a heart for politics. I was able to tell her that life after college...basically out of my bubble has been difficult and I have and still am trying to make sense of where Jesus is in my life. it was a great conversation - we were both honest and ourselves.

it was refreshing...it also reiterates the fact that I need to meet people with whom I can have those conversations. the few friends I have that I can hold those conversations, but they don't live in Nashville. There is only some much a friend in AL - or CA - can do. I need people in my life who don't "make fun" of the fact that I love politics - but friends who are interested in why I love it. Friends who are excited that my heart is geared towards that.

I need to be productive...I need to change a few things. But change is hard...and it is hard to know where to begin.

coffee with mandy mann reminded me that I am missing something right now...what? Hopefully i will find out soon...

Only 12 years later!!!!

It is about time...the Democrats finally control a branch of Congress (hopefully both!). Last night was probably one of the most exciting election nights...I was at home by myself, reading articles online, watching CNN/CSPAN, and drinking wine...it was amazing.

I can't express how happy I am that we control both the House and Senate...not to mention we picked up a few Democratic governors as well :). If anything, it is an out cry from the public about the Bush administration! Finally there is going to be accountability in DC!

The only disappointment was the Ford loss to Corker...I stayed up last night to watch the speech by Ford and Corker - Ford isn't going anywhere...he is amazing and would have been a fantastic Senator! the heartbreak of losing two elections in a row...might knock me off of my political dreams. That is what is tough about politics...one term you are in...the next you are out.

Regardless, the last 24 hours were amazing...and lets not forget Rumsfeld leaving too!!!! Hopefully this will create a new course for Iraq.

It has been a long time...

It has been some time since I have wrote anything...And for some reason I decided tonight...Why not. Here are some things that I am looking forward to:

1. Seeing Renee this upcoming weekend...It has been way to long.

2. Being home alone this week - I can't wait to deep clean my house!

3. Election day...11/07...I am being extremely optimistic about the future of this country! I also hope that I will be able to find a job in politics pretty soon.


Here is something that I discovered this weekend after meeting a few people who are politically "in my boat." I need friends around me who are educated in this area, not only educated, but who agree with me on issues.

It kills me that none of my friends are exercising their constitutional granted right to vote! It makes me want to work for an organization that encourages people to vote - also educates as to why it is important!

How challenging would it be to find unique ways to convince people to vote...To fight crap that organizations like the AARP are promoting...their new "Don't Vote" ad from the AARP. I personally think it is the most ludicrous/dangerous campaign I have ever seen...why in the world would an organization tell the public not do vote!?!?!?! They are simply reinforcing the apathy in this country...

I don't understand this world...and the more I try to...the more frustrating it is.

Hope you like that for an update RJ!!!