I have a tremendous desire today to talk to my mom.  It is all I want...and I will never have it again.  I hate brain cancer!!!

A simple year ago

My mom was alive.  Her condition was awful and she was suffering, but I could touch her.  I was able to hold her hand, put my hands in her hair, feel her skin...she was alive.

I sit at home on the eve of the one year anniversary of losing her.  I am in utter disbelieve that a) this is my reality b) it has already been a year and c) just at how unfair it is that I lost her.   I have been thinking about the deep sense of emptiness that I have been feeling for the last year.  Esther and I talked about today how the world seems to overlook the altering experience of parent loss.  "it's the natural cycle of life..." our culture tells us...   However, being 31 and losing my 52 year old mother - there is nothing natural about it.  

Yesterday was really rough.  I was crying off and on all day...when I got home all I wanted was to hear her voice.  I listened to a few of the saved messages I have from her.  Then I moved on to pictures...I was flooded with memories that are still to painful to recall.  Mostly because they remind me how much I lost a year ago.  I finally decided to go to bed to end the night of crying.  I had this urge to fall asleep hugging something of hers.  When I pulled out the blanket from her house, I was not able to smell her on it anymore.  HEARTBREAKING.  

Knowing that the little things like her smell and her voice - are only a memory and i'll never know them in person again - makes my heart ache.  I will never know what she looks like old.  My I will nevers can go on and on...

I took tomorrow and Friday off from work.  I had initially planned to donate food to the Nashville Humane Society, instead I am going to make a financial contribution in her honor.  I am also going to buy a brick and have her name placed on the brick.  I love that I will have something with her name here in Nashville.  I am going to meet Jason for lunch.  I am then going to go shopping and grab a coffee somewhere.  Mom and I always loved to shop together...we loved having coffee together...we just loved being together.  I know that she would not want me to spend my entire day crying and focusing on her.  In the evening I have my neighborhood meeting that I'll hopefully attend, then a few of us typically go out afterwards.  

Tomorrow is not any more or any less sad.  I carry this sadness around with me all the time.  Just some days are a little bit more unbearable than my "new normal" days.  My hope is that tomorrow is tolerable and the anxiety and buildup to the anniversary is the worst part.  

Regardless, Mutti, I miss and love you more than my simple words can express.  

-TT-

I miss the consistency of how my life used to be.

I feel it coming - sadly - I cannot stop it.  I have been in pretty calm waters lately.  

My constant companion has been a little too much this evening.  The waters are starting to get choppy, rough - is this what drowning feels like?  I feel this weight on my chest –a shortness of breath – my heart feels like it is carrying tons.  I have been slapped with reminders everywhere.   Coming home to see Gravity on TV.  That is the movie I saw with dick-face (DF) 3 nights before my mom died.   Recalling events that surround DF are very painful.  I am loaded with regrets when I think of him and my mom.   I had corn for dinner – I cooked it the way she taught me.  I had roasted asparagus too.  Whenever we were together during the warm months – every other night consisted of asparagus.   Sheets from her house are on my bed.  Her art is all over my house.  I cooked in Mom and Leo’s pans.  Their books are filling my bookcases.   It still feels a little unbelievable.  I see this stuff in my house and think "why is that here?"  

Was it a bad idea to bring so many of her things back to my house?  I don’t know.  I know I am not willing to part with it yet.

I don’t want anything else but to talk to her.  I have been longing to engage with her – to hug her.  To hear her say “hi baby”  or “hi TT!”   I want to hear about her day.  I want to tell her about my day.  I’ve lost my best friend – and I don’t know how to navigate through this world without her.  I don’t have anyone to tell my stupid stories to.  I didn’t only lose my mother – I lost my closest and most loyal friend. 

I'm less than 3 months away from being without my mom for an entire year.  Esther has already asked me about what I'm going to do on 10/9...I don't even want to think about it.  It is all so goddamn unfair.  

I found Esther's business card from 3 years ago.  It made me sick to my stomach - same grief therapist - different parent.  I need to toss that card...

I am so fucking sick of people asking me if I am happy to have her house behind me.  “NO!  No, idiots!!! How could I be happy about any of this?  How could I be happy about not having a “mom’s house?” is what I’d like to say.  However, I just simply smile and try to change the subject asap.   

I feel myself withdrawing.  I have zero desire to engage with people right now.  It’s hard when I have so much internal turmoil and others want to talk about superficial topics.  I need to pull out my acting card again...because I just don’t give a shit right now.  However, I am trying very hard to fight my desire to clam up and completely withdraw.  

I’ve been doing a lot of “this time last year…” memory recalling.  It is really amazing what I have survived.  When I recall everything I have been through the last 3 years – it is just more and more evident that I am my mother's daughter…

  

Estate Sale

Today was day one of the estate sale.  It was worse than I had mentally prepared for.

Watching people come inside my dead parents house like vultures - looking for a deal - looking for something to resell at a higher price, etc...was just to much for me to handle.  The first few hours of the estate sale were people who were dealers, etc.  The second wave of people - actually took their time and really enjoyed what they were looking at/buying.  This lady who is probably in her 40's bought a bunch of mom's clothes.  She was sweet and cute - that made me happy!

Anyway - when the sale started at 10 - I lasted maybe a minute before I was in the kitchen (our "safe" space) having a mild panic attack.  Sandy came in to the kitchen to look for something and found me.  She just gave me a huge hug and told me to get my ass on the porch with Amanda.  That where I spent most of my day.

I had weird interactions with people.  Some people were assholes.  Some people smelled.  Some wanted to talk to me about mom and Leo.  When I was super fake with a smile on my face saying "thank you..." to the same "I'm so sorry about everything..." I got odd looks like they expected me to cry to a stranger.

I'm exhausted - both emotionally and physically.

I feel like my mom died again today.  The finality of this step is heartbreaking.  I wish I had done this in November...I was still SO NUMB.  I wonder if it would have been easier?   My mom's pastor, Jeffrey (who is beyond amazing), said this to me "You can either run or walk through a thistle bush - but at the end you will still have cuts from the thorns all over you."  I guess you can say that I am deeply cut right now.  I can't wait for that day for the cuts to heal...of course the scar will be there...but it won't feel so fresh.  However, I don't anticipant that happening for a very long time...

because right now, all I want is my mom.

Some good/happy things from today:
1. an old lady being so happy about mom's white suit coat fitting her.  She even wore it out of the house!
2. Mom's cat decoration being bought...even the crazy cat lady game.
3. Mom and Leo's friends buying items that will be in a loving home.
4. The detectives coming to talk to me - and his ring tone for his boss was the theme song from Cops.
5. Realizing what an impact mom and leo left...this is a gift that very little have.

I hope tomorrow won't be as painful as today...

Afraid of Nothing

I can barely put into words how I am feeling right now.  I have a few phrases to maybe paint the picture:

• sadness - being in my mom's house one last time.  The next time I leave - I will never again have a place to call my mom's.  I will never have a "moms house"  - this feeling fucking sucks. 

• heartbroken - i wake up with this ache in my heart every morning.  I miss that woman more than I can ever explain.  

• anger - i know who broke into my mom's house.  it was a caregiver.  I'm angry that I was played and I trusted her.  I'm angry that I always try to see the best in people.  I'm angry that my life continues to be one hard, sad, stressful event after another.  Can't the universe give me a break?  Black cloud - please go rain on someone else.  I am drowning here...

• bitterness - why are these my cards?  Why is this my fucking life at 32...  Not one person I know how has anything like this...why does it have to be me?  

• jealousy - i want my mom.  i'm jealous of those that have moms still alive.  i'm jealous of people with supportive friends and families.  I have none of that.  

• afraid - when I walk out of this house - I am so afraid of this chapter being closed.  And my next chapter starts without my mom.  I just want my mom.  

• anxiety - all the above make me anxious.  I'm anxious that very little seems to bring me joy.  I am a good actress.  I am able to put on my "everything is going okay" hat and fool everyone.  

• disappointed - that i'm missing so many things in Nashville.  

All I can do is hope that maybe one day - I will wake up and only feel a few emotions instead of all of the above in a given day.  

I'm missing Sharon Van Etten in Nashville this Saturday - her newest album is amazing.  Her music alone has helped pulled me through the last 3 years - I am so bummed about not seeing her.  SO BUMMED. Anyway, enjoy...

For my mom - I'm really trying hard to not be afraid...like her.   She is the strongest person I know.  

- Kathryn-