The last 24 hours has been a whirlwind of emotions. I had to open a bottle of wine when I got home - and it tasted Oh, so lovely.
Mom had some really great/hopeful news yesterday - that led to an appointment this morning - which I'm hopeful will turn into something very positive.
However, today is the 3 month anniversay. How in the world has it only been 3 months? The past three months have felt like eternity. On the other side - I can't believe it's been 3 months. I miss Leo a lot. It's been 3 months since he was walking on this earth...it's really hard to believe that he is gone.
I think Esther realized something today - that I haven't yet. I don't know if I'm ready to admit this yet either. I have confessed how much I regret that the last time I saw Leo was Nov. 2008 - but today she was saying I need to stop beating myself up about it. I don't know how to not regret this. If only I had known....I would have raced up there to get one more hug. One more conversation. One more Leo meal...one last cup of coffee...one last time sharing the pepper grinder....one more conversation about politics....just one opportunity to tell him I love him and thank you. So sad those little events are never going to happen again. Thank god Leo and I had that two hour long conversation shortly before he died. The regret would be so much bigger had that phone conversation not taken place.
Esther suggested that I write Leo a letter. To tell him how grateful I am and how much of an influence he was in my life. To thank him for showing me - how I wanted to be treated by a husband. I loved how much he loved my mom.
At the end of Esther Time - we go over the up-coming appointments - and I learned that the interest for teh support group has been low. I'm so disappointed. I really hope that interest picks up and the group meets. I've been kind of using that as my carrot to get through the next few weeks - and with the carrot gone...it makes me feel even more alone.
I think I'm going to order the book called: Healing after Losing by Martha Hickman. Lately, I have been wanting to read something about grief - and Esther highly recommends the book. Who knows...maybe I need to run to McKay's this weekend. There is an idea :).
-Kathryn-
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Esther Time - 3rd Round
Today has been hard. Today, while I was at work, I had the music on my phone on shuffle. A song from Einstein’s Dreams came on – and the tears start to fall. For whatever reason, I looked at The Bijou’s website to further the torture. Since I was crying at work, I decide to quickly close the website – and hit skip on my phone. I was able to gain composure pretty quickly.
Today, I didn’t want to go see Esther. It’s not that I didn’t want to see her – I’m sad and mad that I go see her. I can’t really pinpoint my emotions with this. I’m so thankful that I decided to go talk to someone – and I’m thankful that person is Esther. She is so warm – and accepting. I feel like I’m having coffee with an old friend – but without coffee and me talking about myself the whole time J.
Right before I head out of work to go to the appointment – I can’t make a decision about bringing my glass of water. I ask Ashlee and Jessica (coworker and boss) what I should do – then start tearing up. I feel crazy at times. I cried the entire way to the appointment. Again, had the ability to gain composure – walked in – waited for Esther to get me – walked into her office and started crying again.
I’ve realized that my time with Esther is a safe place. I don’t have the support I need in Nashville. That’s has been a tremendously tough realization to recognize. I have been finding myself focusing on this fact - I really don't need to waste my energy with this. I should put that energy in finding new friends, however, it's exhausting. I am looking forward to joining a support group. The first meeting is the Tuesday after the memorial service - I think it will be good for my soul.
My brother joined the Marines today – and mom told me she woke up because she was dreaming about him dying. This makes me want to kick him for joining. Is it awful to hope he gets a desk/cubical job? I am proud of him, because he has had this goal for months – and was able to stick with it. I’m trying to be excited for him, but it’s really difficult. Especially, in light of Leo.
I’m ready to go back to MI. I’m ready to be around mom and the people who knew Leo. I long for it actually. Next Wednesday will mark the 3 month anniversary. I can't believe it's a. already been 3 months and b. has only been 3 months. This is worst thing I've ever experienced...ready for a little healing, but honestly don't see it any time soon.
Today, I was looking through my notebook that I make notes/to do list in. I found my christmas ideas for people last year. I just can't believe he won't be on that list this year. I find this so unfair.
-Kathryn-
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Esther Time - 2nd round
For the next month, I'm meeting with Esther on Wednesdays at 3:30. It's the perfect time - I leave work and don't have to return - and it puts me home in the afternoon as if I left work. It's really nice to not have to worry about returning to the office...I think that would be a difficult task to accomplish.
Today in the waiting room I met Joyce. Joyce lost her husband - who was 59 - last September - and it's taken her this long to be able to talk someone. We were sharing stories and our losses - and I left the room saying "i wish you could meet my mother." Mom and Joyce have a lot in common - lost their spouse at a young age, haven't have the best of luck in the job market - basically dealing with any other stress that could come ones way - both Joyce and mom are dealing. In those 5 minutes of talking with Joyce - I felt as if I had made a new friend. Finally, someone in Nashville who is hurting too - I thought. Someone who won't think I'm crazy or get uncomfortable when I cry. The 5 minute interaction with Joyce confirmed my need/want to join a support group. What I loved is we didn't do the bullshit small talk - we immediately went into the "who did you lose?" There is something refreshing about being able to be real and honest with another person (besides Esther, mom and Tracy). Joyce is also going every Wednesdays - I hope to see her next week in the waiting room.
Esther Time wasn't really emotional today...which I'm okay with. I cried when she asked me "have you ever thought what you would say to Leo if he was here?" That's when I started to cry. I think that I will use that question as a backdrop to my talk/letter to Leo at his memorial service in September.
Mom and I talked about it last night - and I'm going to share what Leo was in our family. He wasn't a conductor - he was a musical genius yes - but he was a member of my family. He was Leo - my stepdad...or as I am now referring to him as dad#2. He was someone who I shared the pepper grinder with. Leo was someone who took me to Paris - and knew everything about anything. He taught me about cooking - he showed me how I want to be loved by my future husband by watching him love my mom. He made her coffee every morning. Every morning. He cooked for me and for others. He was the person who I was able to have funny witty banter with. We love Jon Stewart - and would rehash the previous night's episode. we would always talk about politics. I loved it. He taught me how to love things in life - and live in the moment. God, he was so good at living in the moment. I long to be that passionate about life. He has had such profound influence on my life and I regret that I'm just now recognizing it. He was the person who told me that I'm doing such a cool thing by working on a campaign for free. He was the person who would take the backroads before he would get on the interstate. Therefore a 45 minute car ride would turn into a 2 hour ride...which I find to be irritating - but it was Leo! I could list "what he was" for pages and pages - and that is what I want to be shared at his service. I feel honored that I'm going to be up there talking - I just hope for the ability to speak and not fall apart.
The memorial service is going to be tough. I think the funeral will be a different hard in comparison to the memorial service. Because, by the time the memorial service comes around - we will be a week shy of 4 months. It's real now - very real. I really have no idea where to start with my "talk" but I do know that I feel honored and lucky to have been thought of and asked. I think another reason it will be tough - is a lot of people who weren't able to make it to the funeral - will be at the memorial service. It's another round of meeting people, putting the years of stories with a face, etc. However, I do love meeting these people - and I think that mom and Leo are some of the luckiest people with who they have in their lives. More than anything, I can't wait to see my mom...
-Kathryn-
Today in the waiting room I met Joyce. Joyce lost her husband - who was 59 - last September - and it's taken her this long to be able to talk someone. We were sharing stories and our losses - and I left the room saying "i wish you could meet my mother." Mom and Joyce have a lot in common - lost their spouse at a young age, haven't have the best of luck in the job market - basically dealing with any other stress that could come ones way - both Joyce and mom are dealing. In those 5 minutes of talking with Joyce - I felt as if I had made a new friend. Finally, someone in Nashville who is hurting too - I thought. Someone who won't think I'm crazy or get uncomfortable when I cry. The 5 minute interaction with Joyce confirmed my need/want to join a support group. What I loved is we didn't do the bullshit small talk - we immediately went into the "who did you lose?" There is something refreshing about being able to be real and honest with another person (besides Esther, mom and Tracy). Joyce is also going every Wednesdays - I hope to see her next week in the waiting room.
Esther Time wasn't really emotional today...which I'm okay with. I cried when she asked me "have you ever thought what you would say to Leo if he was here?" That's when I started to cry. I think that I will use that question as a backdrop to my talk/letter to Leo at his memorial service in September.
Mom and I talked about it last night - and I'm going to share what Leo was in our family. He wasn't a conductor - he was a musical genius yes - but he was a member of my family. He was Leo - my stepdad...or as I am now referring to him as dad#2. He was someone who I shared the pepper grinder with. Leo was someone who took me to Paris - and knew everything about anything. He taught me about cooking - he showed me how I want to be loved by my future husband by watching him love my mom. He made her coffee every morning. Every morning. He cooked for me and for others. He was the person who I was able to have funny witty banter with. We love Jon Stewart - and would rehash the previous night's episode. we would always talk about politics. I loved it. He taught me how to love things in life - and live in the moment. God, he was so good at living in the moment. I long to be that passionate about life. He has had such profound influence on my life and I regret that I'm just now recognizing it. He was the person who told me that I'm doing such a cool thing by working on a campaign for free. He was the person who would take the backroads before he would get on the interstate. Therefore a 45 minute car ride would turn into a 2 hour ride...which I find to be irritating - but it was Leo! I could list "what he was" for pages and pages - and that is what I want to be shared at his service. I feel honored that I'm going to be up there talking - I just hope for the ability to speak and not fall apart.
The memorial service is going to be tough. I think the funeral will be a different hard in comparison to the memorial service. Because, by the time the memorial service comes around - we will be a week shy of 4 months. It's real now - very real. I really have no idea where to start with my "talk" but I do know that I feel honored and lucky to have been thought of and asked. I think another reason it will be tough - is a lot of people who weren't able to make it to the funeral - will be at the memorial service. It's another round of meeting people, putting the years of stories with a face, etc. However, I do love meeting these people - and I think that mom and Leo are some of the luckiest people with who they have in their lives. More than anything, I can't wait to see my mom...
-Kathryn-
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Election of 2008
Before the funeral, this was the last time I saw Leo. Whenever I admit this - it simply hurts my heart. This will forever be one of my life's biggest regrets. You simply don't expect to lose someone....so putting off visiting doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I try not to dwell on this reality, because it is very unproductive. Since I called their house daily, it didn't feel like years - and for that - I'm forever thankful.
I was in MI for a few days around the election. It was a great visit. It was the first time I had seen their house - Leo's kitchen - meeting a few of the new cats. It was abnormally warm in MI for November - I remember we sat outside a lot, went on walks, etc. I knew that there were pictures taken, but I couldn't remember who had them. Today I found the pictures on my external hard drive!
John and Carol were having people over at their house that night. That was the first time I had met John, Carol, Allen and Brenda. I had no idea at the time - but for me - they are now a direct connection to Leo. He loved them dearly - I feel so much comfort when I'm around them. Great, great people - or my new aunts and uncles - as I have been fondly referring to them as. I want my future kids (major assumption here) to spend time with them - and learn things they would have learned from Leo. Examples: sailing, cooking, loving, laughter, wine (when legal of course), etc...
The three of us had a lot of fun thinking about what food to take. For example: chicken wings for "left-winged media"; "blue - corn chips"...you get the idea. It was a great night and I'm so thankful I decided to escape the South's sea of red for the 2008 Election.
I was in MI for a few days around the election. It was a great visit. It was the first time I had seen their house - Leo's kitchen - meeting a few of the new cats. It was abnormally warm in MI for November - I remember we sat outside a lot, went on walks, etc. I knew that there were pictures taken, but I couldn't remember who had them. Today I found the pictures on my external hard drive!
John and Carol were having people over at their house that night. That was the first time I had met John, Carol, Allen and Brenda. I had no idea at the time - but for me - they are now a direct connection to Leo. He loved them dearly - I feel so much comfort when I'm around them. Great, great people - or my new aunts and uncles - as I have been fondly referring to them as. I want my future kids (major assumption here) to spend time with them - and learn things they would have learned from Leo. Examples: sailing, cooking, loving, laughter, wine (when legal of course), etc...
The three of us had a lot of fun thinking about what food to take. For example: chicken wings for "left-winged media"; "blue - corn chips"...you get the idea. It was a great night and I'm so thankful I decided to escape the South's sea of red for the 2008 Election.
Here are a few of the pictures:
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| Leo came home with a special treat for the 3 of us. |
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| This is after Obama won! As you can tell, we are all very happy. I. LOVE. THIS. PICTURE! |
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| Poor Allen was nervous the first part of the night. It was good that I was there - to remind him the first round of election returns are typically from the South :). |
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| Mom and I excited about our "Yes we can" sodas! |
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| Yes, the pin says "Demo-Cats for Obama" |
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| Mom and Leo :) |
-Kathryn-
Friday, July 29, 2011
Little Triggers
"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief." Aeschylus
It's been a pretty good 36 hours.
Wednesday took enough emotions out of me to allow the following 36 hours to feel "normal". On Wednesday, I had two panic attacks. One was before Esther Time due to the inability to reach my mom. It was 2:30 and usually - we have talked at least 2 times and have sent text messages. When I called again, it dawned on me, that despite my calls and text messages - I hadn't heard from her. Esther told me that after a loss, people have a heighten sense of mortality. It's true, I can't write the thoughts that were running through my head. I needed to know where my mom was asap. I sent John a text message - and she was working with the workcamp kids from church. The campers were over at the house to help organize the garage. The support that her community is still showing is amazing. Her friends are amazing. I envy her community/support/friendships. Once I received his message I was able to relax, stop crying, and even let out a laugh because I felt ridiculous.
Insert a hour and a half of Esther time in between these attacks. Sessions are going to be exhausting. I made a rule that I am not going to do anything social on Wednesdays.
Attack #2: It happened while I was at Bon Iver who was playing at the Ryman. Mom had given me this ring Leo gave her. I've been carrying it in my wallet - and I guess in the course of the night - it had fallen out. I discovered it had fallen out when the girl in front of me picked the ring up - put it on - and showed the people sitting near her. I couldn't speak. I just sat there stunned, watching and thinking "oh my god, it's my ring, please give it back, please...I can't lose that." The music was so loud - so I had to wait about 15 minutes until it was quiet enough for her to hear me. However, in those 15 minutes - I had to tell myself to breathe - you are going to get it back. I was crying. I was alone. I was watching a girl wear something Leo gave to mom who gave to me. It was awful. When I asked the girl for the ring, I was crying and explained its significance. She started tearing up saying "oh, god, I know...I lost my dad too."
Wednesday was exhausting.
I was good until 10pm tonight. I had just gotten off the phone with Mom and was on Facebook. I went to my brother's page and his profile picture is of him and Leo (see below). I felt the stress, tears, lack of control and inability to breathe coming on again. During those moments - it's as if I can only focus on one or two thoughts. Tonight's was "no more pictures - It's not fair. There aren't going to be any more pictures."
Here are a few pictures of the family. I look ridiculous because it was about 10 years ago - but I don't know where our most recent pictures are currently. It's difficult to recall the memories that are captured in these pictures, however, I wanted to share a few of my favorites:
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| I adore this picture of mom and Leo. |
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| I wasn't with them in this picture - but I love it! Andrew and Leo cooked together all the time - and it looks like they are post-cooking in this picture. Leo was a fabulous cook. |
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| Leo and I in Paris. Leo and Mom took me to Paris for about 10 days. Amazing trip. Next time I go Leo - I promise to order something besides chicken and potatoes :) |
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| The clouds today in Nashville mimicked the ones in this picture. I thought about this picture all day. |
-Kathryn-
Thursday, July 28, 2011
May 17, 2011
I will forever hate this date. Hate with a deep, sadden passion. In fact, every month on the 17th - it's a reminder. Really: everything, everyday is a reminder.
I was out sick on Monday the 16th - and decided to work from home on Tuesday to rest a little more. That morning is mostly blurry, but I remember sitting at my dinning room table and getting a phone call. My caller ID said it was Leo. Whenever Leo called, I would always answer with an excited "Hey Leo!" This morning it wasn't Leo. It was mom, and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I couldn't understand her because of the sobs. Initially, I assumed it had to do with one of her old kitties. It was the unimaginable, it had to do with Leo. Leo suddenly, unexpectedly died between 2am-7am on May 17, 2011. He was only 58, I'm only 29 - there is something really wrong with those numbers.
I asked a few times, "Mom, what is wrong? Tell me. What happened?" She finally got out the phrase "Leo's dead." I think my response was "what? what the fuck are you talking about mom?" Then Leo's brother took the phone to say the words she wasn't able to say.
After I hung up the phone - I don't remember the details of the morning/afternoon. I decided to board my dogs in Nashville and drive to Grand Rapids, MI. It was the longest drive of my life. I couldn't get to my mom fast enough. I had to pull off the side of the road many times to allow myself to bawl. I remember ordering food - and the lady asked how I was doing and I started crying. Again, longest drive of my life.
It's true what they say about numbness and shock after a loss. I think if you watched me the week following Leo's death, I might have appeared strong. I was able to keep mom together, put together a memory basket, remember to bring the memory basket back to Grand Rapids, etc (however, I did forget to remind mom to pack her dress she was going to wear to the funeral - major fail) - I was able to laugh and carry on conversations. I wasn't strong, it was numbness. Part of me misses the numbness and strength, because when they fade away - you realize how weak you truly are.
Little did I know that 05/17/11 would change me forever. It has only been a little over 2 months and my life has already changed and altered the following ways:
Another thing I learned is grief does not happen in stages. Another example why Americans can't deal...we have to have a "step by step" process to deal with losing a loved one. There is not a "right" or "wrong" way to go through this process. I didn't really buy into the "stages" psychology - because I go in and out a few of the stages in a given day. I'm just happy that Esther thinks they are crap too.
One more thing about Esther Time. She likes this book - I can't remember the name - but it's a daily meditation on healing after losing (which might be the title!) Anyway, she wanted to read what the book said on the day of our first meeting: 7/27. She scanned the short page - paused a long minute - and said "it's about music." Of course it's about music - after all - I was there talking about Leo.
I'm going to be using this blog as an outlet. I want to write during this time in my life. I want to recall the good, really good, bad and really bad times. I want this to somehow be a tribute to Leo. I picked the background of this blog for him. The picture reminded me of the Great Lakes - a true love of Leo's.
I was out sick on Monday the 16th - and decided to work from home on Tuesday to rest a little more. That morning is mostly blurry, but I remember sitting at my dinning room table and getting a phone call. My caller ID said it was Leo. Whenever Leo called, I would always answer with an excited "Hey Leo!" This morning it wasn't Leo. It was mom, and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I couldn't understand her because of the sobs. Initially, I assumed it had to do with one of her old kitties. It was the unimaginable, it had to do with Leo. Leo suddenly, unexpectedly died between 2am-7am on May 17, 2011. He was only 58, I'm only 29 - there is something really wrong with those numbers.
I asked a few times, "Mom, what is wrong? Tell me. What happened?" She finally got out the phrase "Leo's dead." I think my response was "what? what the fuck are you talking about mom?" Then Leo's brother took the phone to say the words she wasn't able to say.
After I hung up the phone - I don't remember the details of the morning/afternoon. I decided to board my dogs in Nashville and drive to Grand Rapids, MI. It was the longest drive of my life. I couldn't get to my mom fast enough. I had to pull off the side of the road many times to allow myself to bawl. I remember ordering food - and the lady asked how I was doing and I started crying. Again, longest drive of my life.
It's true what they say about numbness and shock after a loss. I think if you watched me the week following Leo's death, I might have appeared strong. I was able to keep mom together, put together a memory basket, remember to bring the memory basket back to Grand Rapids, etc (however, I did forget to remind mom to pack her dress she was going to wear to the funeral - major fail) - I was able to laugh and carry on conversations. I wasn't strong, it was numbness. Part of me misses the numbness and strength, because when they fade away - you realize how weak you truly are.
Little did I know that 05/17/11 would change me forever. It has only been a little over 2 months and my life has already changed and altered the following ways:
- I don't want to be involved in meaningless friendships. I have too many of those...life is too short.
- I have truly realized who my best friends are. Especially that one out in CA. Not sure what I would do without her.
- I have learned that our (American) society doesn't know how to handle grief.
- I'm learning to not be embarrassed by my tears and to let them fall.
- I've started grief therapy - which I'm calling "Esther Time."
- I'm going to be joining a support group in September.
- I want to honor Leo and his "live life to the fullest" mentality, but I'm trying to still figure out how that looks in my life.
- I worry about my mom about every minute of the day.
- The physical distance between me (in Nashville) and mom and Leo (Bay City, MI) has never felt greater.
- I realize how influential he was in my life...and I'm still learning. I just wish I could tell him this and a simple thank you.
- Most of all, I feel really cheated.
Another thing I learned is grief does not happen in stages. Another example why Americans can't deal...we have to have a "step by step" process to deal with losing a loved one. There is not a "right" or "wrong" way to go through this process. I didn't really buy into the "stages" psychology - because I go in and out a few of the stages in a given day. I'm just happy that Esther thinks they are crap too.
One more thing about Esther Time. She likes this book - I can't remember the name - but it's a daily meditation on healing after losing (which might be the title!) Anyway, she wanted to read what the book said on the day of our first meeting: 7/27. She scanned the short page - paused a long minute - and said "it's about music." Of course it's about music - after all - I was there talking about Leo.
I'm going to be using this blog as an outlet. I want to write during this time in my life. I want to recall the good, really good, bad and really bad times. I want this to somehow be a tribute to Leo. I picked the background of this blog for him. The picture reminded me of the Great Lakes - a true love of Leo's.
-Kathryn-
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