Esther Time - 3rd Round

Today has been hard.   Today, while I was at work, I had the music on my phone on shuffle.  A song from Einstein’s Dreams came on – and the tears start to fall.  For whatever reason, I looked at The Bijou’s website to further the torture.   Since I was crying at work, I decide to quickly close the website – and hit skip on my phone.  I was able to gain composure pretty quickly. 

Today, I didn’t want to go see Esther.  It’s not that I didn’t want to see her – I’m sad and mad that I go see her.  I can’t really pinpoint my emotions with this.  I’m so thankful that I decided to go talk to someone – and I’m thankful that person is Esther.  She is so warm – and accepting.  I feel like I’m having coffee with an old friend – but without coffee and me talking about myself the whole time J.

Right before I head out of work to go to the appointment – I can’t make a decision about bringing my glass of water.  I ask Ashlee and Jessica (coworker and boss) what I should do – then start tearing up.  I feel crazy at times.   I cried the entire way to the appointment.  Again, had the ability to gain composure – walked in – waited for Esther to get me – walked into her office and started crying again.   

I’ve realized that my time with Esther is a safe place.  I don’t have the support I need in Nashville.  That’s has been a tremendously tough realization to recognize.  I have been finding myself focusing on this fact - I really don't need to waste my energy with this.  I should put that energy in finding new friends, however, it's exhausting.   I am looking forward to joining a support group.  The first meeting is  the Tuesday after the memorial service - I think it will be good for my soul.    

My brother joined the Marines today – and mom told me she woke up because she was dreaming about him dying.  This makes me want to kick him for joining.  Is it awful to hope he gets a desk/cubical job?  I am proud of him, because he has had this goal for months – and was able to stick with it.   I’m trying to be excited for him, but it’s really difficult.  Especially, in light of Leo.  

I’m ready to go back to MI.  I’m ready to be around mom and the people who knew Leo.  I long for it actually.  Next Wednesday will mark the 3 month anniversary.  I can't believe it's a. already been 3 months and b. has only been 3 months.  This is worst thing I've ever experienced...ready for a little healing, but honestly don't see it any time soon.

Today, I was looking through my notebook that I make notes/to do list in.  I found my christmas ideas for people last year.  I just can't believe he won't be on that list this year.  I find this so unfair.  

-Kathryn-

Little Triggers

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief." Aeschylus

It's been a pretty good 36 hours.

Wednesday took enough emotions out of me to allow the following 36 hours to feel "normal".  On Wednesday, I had two panic attacks.   One was before Esther Time due to the inability to reach my mom.  It was 2:30 and usually - we have talked at least 2 times and have sent text messages.  When I called again, it dawned on me, that despite my calls and text messages - I hadn't heard from her.  Esther told me that after a loss, people have a heighten sense of mortality.  It's true, I can't write the thoughts that were running through my head.  I needed to know where my mom was asap.  I sent John a text message - and she was working with the workcamp kids from church.   The campers were over at the house to help organize the garage.  The support that her community is still showing is amazing.  Her friends are amazing.  I envy her community/support/friendships.  Once I received his message I was able to relax, stop crying, and even let out a laugh because I felt ridiculous.

Insert a hour and a half of Esther time in between these attacks. Sessions are going to be exhausting.  I made a rule that I am not going to do anything social on Wednesdays.

Attack #2: It happened while I was at Bon Iver who was playing at the Ryman.  Mom had given me this ring Leo gave her.  I've been carrying it in my wallet - and I guess in the course of the night - it had fallen out.   I discovered it had fallen out when the girl in front of me picked the ring up - put it on - and showed the people sitting near her.  I couldn't speak.  I just sat there stunned, watching and thinking "oh my god, it's my ring, please give it back, please...I can't lose that."  The music was so loud - so I had to wait about 15 minutes until it was quiet enough for her to hear me.  However, in those 15 minutes - I had to tell myself to breathe - you are going to get it back.  I was crying.  I was alone.  I was watching a girl wear something Leo gave to mom who gave to me.  It was awful.  When I asked the girl for the ring, I was crying and explained its significance.  She started tearing up saying "oh, god, I know...I lost my dad too."

Wednesday was exhausting.

I was good until 10pm tonight.  I had just gotten off the phone with Mom and was on Facebook.  I went to my brother's page and his profile picture is of him and Leo (see below).    I felt the stress, tears, lack of control and inability to breathe coming on again.  During those moments - it's as if I can only focus on one or two thoughts.  Tonight's was "no more pictures - It's not fair.  There aren't going to be any more pictures."

Here are a few pictures of the family.  I look ridiculous because it was about 10 years ago - but I don't know where our most recent pictures are currently.  It's difficult to recall the memories that are captured in these pictures, however, I wanted to share a few of my favorites:

I adore this picture of mom and Leo.

I wasn't with them in this picture - but I love it!  Andrew and Leo cooked together all the time - and it looks like they are post-cooking in this picture.  Leo was a fabulous cook.   

Leo and I in Paris.  Leo and Mom took me to Paris for about 10 days.  Amazing trip.  Next time I go Leo - I promise to order something besides chicken and potatoes :)

The clouds today in Nashville mimicked the ones in this picture.   I thought about this picture all day. 

-Kathryn-