National hug a violist day..

Sending Leo a hug today...it's national hug a violist day :)

He was so cool!  :) 

This week doesn't appear to be off on the right foot.  I've already cried 2 times today.  

I feel so. so. so. lonely.  I don't think I felt this way as an awkward middle-schooler or in my teen years when this typical emotion is suppose to be present.

It will only be 3 months since Leo died this Wednesday.  I feel like I have used my "freedom" to talk about him dying.   When people ask how I am - I shouldn't confess how I am "really" doing.  The truth is - there isn't a hour that goes by where I don't think about him - or miss him - or wish this was a horrible nightmare - and I'll wake up soon.  When I wake up - he will be at home with mom - making her coffee, making beautiful music, answering the phone when I call - I wish this wasn't my reality.  At this point, I pat myself on the back when I can hold back the tears.   Since it's been 3 months - the few people who sincerely asked how I was doing - have stopped.

All but one.  Tracy - she is my only friend that I feel 100% comfortable in sharing all the deep sad lonely emotions with.  Today - she asked how I was doing - and I said "sad and lonely" - and she didn't offer a solution, didn't try to give me advice - but just allowed me to be.

This is Tracy!  

However, I don't want to burden her with my sadness - and I feel like I do.

Tracy can't be my only support, plus she has a serious boyfriend, important job and lives in CA.  The last thing I want to do is add my "needing support" to her plate.  However, I don't know how the hell I'm going to find any support...it's so important...and yet I don't have it.    I'm longing for support - longing for some connection with someone - who will just listen to me.  Someone who will go out for a drink with me - or see a movie - or not feel awkward when I cry.   Someone...anyone...

I found this wonderful post this afternoon called: ways to support someone who is grieving.  This post really spoke to me today.   For two reasons really.  1. it reiterates the need for support.  2.  also makes me feel "normal" with some of my reactions.

I would have to add one though.  Don't ever say "cheer up; that person wouldn't want you to be sad; smile for that person; focus on the good memories; etc."  Those phrases are not helpful.  Personally, if I ever hear "cheer up" again...I might scream :).

Go hug a violist!

-Kathryn-

Esther Time - 2nd round

For the next month, I'm meeting with Esther on Wednesdays at 3:30.  It's the perfect time - I leave work and don't have to return - and it puts me home in the afternoon as if I left work.  It's really nice to not have to worry about returning to the office...I think that would be a difficult task to accomplish.

Today in the waiting room I met Joyce.  Joyce lost her husband - who was 59 - last September - and it's taken her this long to be able to talk someone.  We were sharing stories and our losses - and I left the room saying "i wish you could meet my mother."  Mom and Joyce have a lot in common - lost their spouse at a young age, haven't have the best of luck in the job market - basically dealing with any other stress that could come ones way - both Joyce and mom are dealing.  In those 5 minutes of talking with Joyce - I felt as if I had made a new friend.  Finally, someone in Nashville who is hurting too - I thought.  Someone who won't think I'm crazy or get uncomfortable when I cry.  The 5 minute interaction with Joyce confirmed my need/want to join a support group.  What I loved is we didn't do the bullshit small talk - we immediately went into the "who did you lose?"  There is something refreshing about being able to be real and honest with another person (besides Esther, mom and Tracy).  Joyce is also going every Wednesdays - I hope to see her next week in the waiting room.

Esther Time wasn't really emotional today...which I'm okay with.  I cried when she asked me "have you ever thought what you would say to Leo if he was here?"  That's when I started to cry.  I think that I will use that question as a backdrop to my talk/letter to Leo at his memorial service in September.

Mom and I talked about it last night - and I'm going to share what Leo was in our family.  He wasn't a conductor - he was a musical genius yes - but he was a member of my family.  He was Leo - my stepdad...or as I am now referring to him as dad#2.  He was someone who I shared the pepper grinder with.  Leo was someone who took me to Paris - and knew everything about anything.  He taught me about cooking - he showed me how I want to be loved by my future husband by watching him love my mom.  He made her coffee every morning.  Every morning.  He cooked for me and for others.  He was the person who I was able to have funny witty banter with.  We love Jon Stewart - and would rehash the previous night's episode.  we would always talk about politics.  I loved it.  He taught me how to love things in life - and live in the moment.  God, he was so good at living in the moment.  I long to be that passionate about life. He has had such profound influence on my life and I regret that I'm just now recognizing it.  He was the person who told me that I'm doing such a cool thing by working on a campaign for free.  He was the person who would take the backroads before he would get on the interstate.  Therefore a 45 minute car ride would turn into a 2 hour ride...which I find to be irritating - but it was Leo!  I could list "what he was" for pages and pages - and that is what I want to be shared at his service.  I feel honored that I'm going to be up there talking - I just hope for the ability to speak and not fall apart.

The memorial service is going to be tough.  I think the funeral will be a different hard in comparison to the memorial service.  Because, by the time the memorial service comes around - we will be a week shy of 4 months.  It's real now - very real.  I really have no idea where to start with my "talk" but I do know that I feel honored and lucky to have been thought of and asked.  I think another reason it will be tough - is a lot of people who weren't able to make it to the funeral - will be at the memorial service.  It's another round of meeting people, putting the years of stories with a face, etc.  However, I do love meeting these people - and I think that mom and Leo are some of the luckiest people with who they have in their lives.    More than anything, I can't wait to see my mom...

-Kathryn-