Great minds think alike...

This is a text between Sandy and I tonight.  Very thankful for this woman.  We really are a lot alike...and this proves it.  Mom always said that May 10 (mine and Sandy's birthday) was an amazing, yet strange day for the universe...and I totally know what she means now.   Mom also knew what she was doing by having the two of us care for her.

I saw her in my dreams!

It was wonderful and yet so heartbreaking.  I had a vivid dream about my mom.  I saw her and hugged her for what seemed like days - proclaimed "I am so happy you are alive, mom!"  Told her about Leo's music (which her reply was to give me her smirk/half grin disappointed look) - told her how I'm sorry I had to winterize the house because the heat broke - but I have the money to fix it.  Talked about how I was excited to stop the life insurance claim...but then I woke up.  I was so sad waking up.  I wanted to stay in her presence forever.

I have spent all day heartbroken with a huge massive yearning.

I just want my mom back.

"I'll see you in my dreams...
Hold you in my dreams..."

I love you mom.

brainstem tumor

How has it been a year?  I will never forget this day.  I was sitting at work - and I received an email from my mom around 8:30am.  She shared the news via email, because what I would later learn is her inability to talk because of the tumor.  At first I didn't believe her.  I was in shock.  This is what she said:

"So the doctor thinks I might have a deep seated brain tumor that they want to treat with chemo. It's in too deep for surgery. I'm staying in for a bit, for tests they say. So that's the story for now.  I'll let you know stuff later!" 

Then I called her...

I remember her voice.  It was scared, unsure - but yet she tried to sound strong and not afraid for me.  I remember her telling me to not worry about her - that she would be alright - and I needed to stay in Nashville.  I could barely understand her - which is when the news really hit me.  I immediately was crying...left work - and got ready to leave for MI the following morning.

Sandy Rogers - this is also where our relationship really started too.  She was the only one who was honest with mom's condition.  I remember her saying "you needed to be up here yesterday...get your ass to Bay City ASAP."

A year ago today,  I was thrown into a role I wasn't prepared for.  A role I didn't want for another few decades - but a role that I was proud to take on.  I was proud my mom wanted and trusted me.  If I HAVE to do this for anyone at 30 - there is no one else I would have worked so hard for.  God i love that woman...

I'm sad.  I miss mom.  I run to my car after work so I can cry.  I have mascara stains on my pillow cases.   I'm crying a lot - but I also know this is completely normal.  Mom and I's relationship was fantastic.  She was truly my best friend.  She was my biggest fan.  My biggest cheerleader.  The one person I could share the dumbest detail with - and she'd act like it's the biggest news she had heard all day.  I think my grief and sadness is a testament to our relationship.  I'm okay with that.

I'm functioning - I go to work - I keep up with my house.  I walk my dogs (almost) daily.  I'm just really sad and have changed significantly and am continuing to change...

The one thing that brings a smile to my face is using the work fuck as often as I can.  Horrible right?

See...i love this:

But really, fuck cancer.  Especially brain cancer.