"So the doctor thinks I might have a deep seated brain tumor that they want to treat with chemo. It's in too deep for surgery. I'm staying in for a bit, for tests they say. So that's the story for now. I'll let you know stuff later!"
Then I called her...
I remember her voice. It was scared, unsure - but yet she tried to sound strong and not afraid for me. I remember her telling me to not worry about her - that she would be alright - and I needed to stay in Nashville. I could barely understand her - which is when the news really hit me. I immediately was crying...left work - and got ready to leave for MI the following morning.
Sandy Rogers - this is also where our relationship really started too. She was the only one who was honest with mom's condition. I remember her saying "you needed to be up here yesterday...get your ass to Bay City ASAP."
A year ago today, I was thrown into a role I wasn't prepared for. A role I didn't want for another few decades - but a role that I was proud to take on. I was proud my mom wanted and trusted me. If I HAVE to do this for anyone at 30 - there is no one else I would have worked so hard for. God i love that woman...
I'm sad. I miss mom. I run to my car after work so I can cry. I have mascara stains on my pillow cases. I'm crying a lot - but I also know this is completely normal. Mom and I's relationship was fantastic. She was truly my best friend. She was my biggest fan. My biggest cheerleader. The one person I could share the dumbest detail with - and she'd act like it's the biggest news she had heard all day. I think my grief and sadness is a testament to our relationship. I'm okay with that.
I'm functioning - I go to work - I keep up with my house. I walk my dogs (almost) daily. I'm just really sad and have changed significantly and am continuing to change...
The one thing that brings a smile to my face is using the work fuck as often as I can. Horrible right?
See...i love this:
But really, fuck cancer. Especially brain cancer.
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