Today has been hard. Today, while I was at work, I had the music on my phone on shuffle. A song from Einstein’s Dreams came on – and the tears start to fall. For whatever reason, I looked at The Bijou’s website to further the torture. Since I was crying at work, I decide to quickly close the website – and hit skip on my phone. I was able to gain composure pretty quickly.
Today, I didn’t want to go see Esther. It’s not that I didn’t want to see her – I’m sad and mad that I go see her. I can’t really pinpoint my emotions with this. I’m so thankful that I decided to go talk to someone – and I’m thankful that person is Esther. She is so warm – and accepting. I feel like I’m having coffee with an old friend – but without coffee and me talking about myself the whole time J.
Right before I head out of work to go to the appointment – I can’t make a decision about bringing my glass of water. I ask Ashlee and Jessica (coworker and boss) what I should do – then start tearing up. I feel crazy at times. I cried the entire way to the appointment. Again, had the ability to gain composure – walked in – waited for Esther to get me – walked into her office and started crying again.
I’ve realized that my time with Esther is a safe place. I don’t have the support I need in Nashville. That’s has been a tremendously tough realization to recognize. I have been finding myself focusing on this fact - I really don't need to waste my energy with this. I should put that energy in finding new friends, however, it's exhausting. I am looking forward to joining a support group. The first meeting is the Tuesday after the memorial service - I think it will be good for my soul.
My brother joined the Marines today – and mom told me she woke up because she was dreaming about him dying. This makes me want to kick him for joining. Is it awful to hope he gets a desk/cubical job? I am proud of him, because he has had this goal for months – and was able to stick with it. I’m trying to be excited for him, but it’s really difficult. Especially, in light of Leo.
I’m ready to go back to MI. I’m ready to be around mom and the people who knew Leo. I long for it actually. Next Wednesday will mark the 3 month anniversary. I can't believe it's a. already been 3 months and b. has only been 3 months. This is worst thing I've ever experienced...ready for a little healing, but honestly don't see it any time soon.
Today, I was looking through my notebook that I make notes/to do list in. I found my christmas ideas for people last year. I just can't believe he won't be on that list this year. I find this so unfair.
-Kathryn-
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