3 months, Esther Time, happiness and disappointment

The last 24 hours has been a whirlwind of emotions.   I had to open a bottle of wine when I got home - and it tasted Oh, so lovely.

 Mom had some really great/hopeful news yesterday - that led to an appointment this morning - which I'm hopeful will turn into something very positive.

However, today is the 3 month anniversay.  How in the world has it only been 3 months?  The past three months have felt like eternity.  On the other side - I can't believe it's been 3 months.  I miss Leo a lot.  It's been 3 months since he was walking on this earth...it's really hard to believe that he is gone.

I think Esther realized something today - that I haven't yet.  I don't know if I'm ready to admit this yet either.  I have confessed how much I regret that the last time I saw Leo was Nov. 2008 - but today she was saying I need to stop beating myself up about it.  I don't know how to not regret this.  If only I had known....I would have raced up there to get one more hug.  One more conversation.   One more Leo meal...one last cup of coffee...one last time sharing the pepper grinder....one more conversation about politics....just one opportunity to tell him I love him and thank you.  So sad those little events are never going to happen again.  Thank god Leo and I had that two hour long conversation shortly before he died.  The regret would be so much bigger had that phone conversation not taken place.

Esther suggested that I write Leo a letter.  To tell him how grateful I am and how much of an influence he was in my life.  To thank him for showing me - how I wanted to be treated by a husband.  I loved how much he loved my mom.

At the end of Esther Time - we go over the up-coming appointments - and I learned that the interest for teh support group has been low.  I'm so disappointed.  I really hope that interest picks up and the group meets.  I've been kind of using that as my carrot to get through the next few weeks - and with the carrot gone...it makes me feel even more alone.

I think I'm going to order the book called: Healing after Losing by Martha Hickman.  Lately, I have been wanting to read something about grief - and Esther highly recommends the book.  Who knows...maybe I need to run to McKay's this weekend.  There is an idea :).

-Kathryn-