four months and counting

I can't believe that 3 days ago marked the four month anniversary of Leo's death.  I feel like I repeat myself often but, how in the world has it only been 4 months.  Longest time of my life.  Period.

I feel like it has been a few weeks since I've been here. 

The memorial service went really well.  Beautiful music, beautiful stories, tears, laughter.  There was over 500 people in attendance.  There was probably that many people who weren't able to attend.  What an impact his life was.   What scares me about this "event" being over is the facebook tributes to Leo are going to go away.  The checking in on my mom will stop.  That people will start and continue to move on.  I wish it was that easy.

Here is a link to the memorial service:

Here is the article about the memorial service.  I love that they called me a daughter...I hate the word and negative stigma "step" gets.

I haven't been real honest with how sad I've been lately.  I feel like I've lost the liberty to talk about Leo.  I think about him all the time.  I think about how much I hate that he isn't around.  I miss his laugh.  I miss his voice - I miss him answering the phone saying "hey, we were just talking about you..."  I miss my mom being happy and not lonely.    I just miss knowing he is alive and well in Bay City, MI. 

I started a grief support group.  Tonight was the first meeting that I was able to attend.  I don't know how I feel about it yet.  Tonight we had to share "our story" - basically what happened to our loved one.  Everyone in there lost a parent.  There is 7 of us - 4 around my age and 3 older/parent age.  Which is usually rare, but I'm thankful there are others my age.  In a weird - sick way - it's comforting.  I need support here in Nashville - I'm longing and desperate for it. 

A good majority of the participants were the caretakers.  When they were sharing their stories - I found myself getting pissed, angry,  and jealous.  I was so jealous that they got to say goodbye.  What I would give to get one more hug from Leo....to be able to say the "good bye."  I didn't get that - I had such a sudden unexpected loss.  However, I do know that both ways are awful - and unique in there own ways - and you have no idea what it's like until you go through it.  I've learned that lesson.

Next week - we have to bring in something that symbolizes Leo.  What one thing can I bring?  I have NO idea!  I have so many things that symbolize Leo to me.  I'm thinking a picture of us - and the pepper grinder.


It always goes back to the pepper grinder :) - Leo would love it!


-Kathryn-