Here is my ground hogs day: Being at Mom and Leo's for a week - cleaning - picking out my "black" outfit - having to interact with a ton of their friends/family...I feel like I'm living in the week he died again.
The memorial service is this Saturday. How is it already here? Part of me is happy. Happy to finally have this event behind me - to not stress about it. Another part of me is dreading it - it just means one less event to honor Leo. One less event means more time has passed and I feel like I should be on the journey to healing. I'm so far from feeling healed.
Just based on my experience - getting ready for the memorial service 4 months after a death is more difficult then the funeral a few days after the person has died. That numb feeling is gone - and the reality that he is gone is more real than ever.
I'm stressed about talking. I'm stressed about having mom's house "ready" for guest. I'm stressed that I'm not going to be able to get the first word out of my mouth without crying. I'm not numb anymore. I can tell that my anxiety has increased greatly this week. They are thinking that there can be up to 500 people at the service. Holy shit. I've spoken to a max of 40...
Yesterday - we were cleaning up the studio. I am the organized one of the bunch - and the pressure I feel to get everything done is draining. I need to finalize what I'm going to say - I am also working during the day. I feel pressured to keep everyone on task - to set order to the chaos. I felt like a bitch yesterday. However, if I allowed myself to show my real emotions - you would see my heart breaking with everything I touched in the studio.
I love that it looks like Leo is still here - but I hate it. It's such an awful reminder that he isn't here.
However, I hope that Saturday is a beautiful celebration of his life. I'm looking forward to meeting more people I've heard about for years.
In the midst of this chaos - we are enjoying ourselves. We went sailing on Sunday and it was awesome. Here are some pictures below:
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| Me and Mom |
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| Andrew driving - this picture makes me laugh. |
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| John and Carol Lucas. Mom's guardian angels... My life is richer because I know these folks. |
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| Andrew and I |
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| Carol helping Andrew drive |
Me, John and Andrew.
I think the most important lesson I've been learning is to live life. Fully.
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