Christmas

It was my first Christmas without Leo.

This Christmas was really different anyway, since I spent the week before on a cruise.  I didn't do presents - I was driving home on Christmas day.  The only thing that felt normal was watching Sound of Music with my sister.

The cruise was nice...just not my choice of a vacation.  I have pretty strong opinions about "cruising" and what this industry does to the countries, environment, etc...but I'll save that rant for another time.  I was with 21 members of my extended family and have never felt so alone.  It's a funny thing really.  To be surrounded by so many people, but also feel so isolated because your thoughts are not on the same wave length.

It was the first time since Leo died that Mom and I didn't have the ability to talk.  Before we left the port - I had a few mild panic attacks - I couldn't stop crying.  The family members thought I was crazy and thus began my week of feeling like I couldn't talk or express my true feelings.  It's okay though, I have learned through this process that some people will never be able to go there with me emotionally.  I can't hold it against them, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't disappointing.

However, I did get a lot of sun - which feels nice.  I don't radiate in the dead of night, because my skin is so white.  I got lots of coffee and booze.  Really those are the only two items I need to feel comfortable at my house :).

I was also reminded how lucky USA is.  We complain about not going on vacations and not being able to buy the latest Ipad, but most people in other countries don't even have running water.  They are lucky if they have shoes - regardless if they don't fit.  It was a nice reality check that laid a heavy weight of guilt  It's really easy for forget about the rest of the world and stay so focused on your tiny world.

I really have been missing Leo a lot lately.  I miss his laugh, his voice.  I called my mom's house on Christmas, fully knowing she wasn't there, just so I could hear his voice on the answering machine.  I dread the day she changes the greeting.

I can say that I'm very excited that this year is over.  Surely, 2012 can only be an improvement.

I love this picture of Leo...