Where has the last month gone? This blog feels like a friend that I haven't talked to in a long time. I've missed expressing myself and just jotting down my feelings of the day....especially when they are about Leo. It's good to see you old buddy! (yes, I did just say that...)
I have been busier. It's been nice - to have something actually going on in my life. A few weeks ago - my brother in law came into town and it was a very welcomed break from my Nashville reality. I had fun, laughed a lot, ate at my favorite greek place, went to the flea market, trader joes, saw live music, etc. Having people in town and jam packing so many things into two days...reminds me how much I love Nashville. It reminds me how many great things I have surrounding me - always something going on - always something to do. It was a good reminder - especially - since I've been doing the "why am I here" thoughts...
My mom will be at my house in 8 days! Goodness, I can't wait. The way this visit got scheduled is wonderful. Brenda sent me a message on facebook saying she was thinking about me and wondering how I was and if I was going to see Bill Maher while he was in Nashville. I wrote back - the normal - then added how I was doing okay, but really worried about my mom. I also told her that I wasn't going, because going to a standup event is not one I want to do solo. She wrote back "we are worried too - what if we grabbed your mom and came down for Bill Maher?" I remember reading that message in the vet's office and having to wipe tears away. The kindness that I have been shown by a handful of people during this time after Leo's death is one of the only reasons I'm still standing (especially you Tracy!). Anyway, we planned it - and they are coming! Allan and Brenda will get my mom on Friday early morning and they will be here before dinner time! YAY!!! My brother is also going to come up...I can't wait.
I can't wait to have a house full of people I love. To be surrounded by people I love for a joyous event. We aren't getting together for another memorial service for Leo. It does feel weird to think about mom coming down without him. It still feels like he is just out of town. I expect him to return in a few weeks - and life will be normal again.
I know this is lame, but about a week ago - I changed my facebook picture from the the last one I'll ever take with Leo - to one of me and the sister on the cruise. I went back and forth about 5 or 6 times - went through a range of emotions changing the picture. Sadness, happiness that I felt okay to change it, guilt.
I remember hearing from Esther and grief group that people experience guilt...example: "if I don't cry about that person today...it means I'm over them dying..." I remember continuously telling Esther that I will never experience that emotion...but I have been flirting with guilt. If I'm not okay - I can go down that road. I'm floating into states of this being normal and missing him. Before, I was in the state of missing, depression, remaining in the past. Lately, I have been finding myself going a few days without crying. But this doesn't mean my thoughts don't go to Leo all day long...because they do...i am just being able to make it through my day okay. All I try to do is make it day to day - and I have been.
Some of Leo's dearest people in his life will be together on the 9th month anniversary of death. I'm so thankful I will have people here...those days always suck :).
Until next time...
Kathryn
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