counting down the days

The past week or two - I've been quick to be annoyed, pissed, irritated, etc.  After I realized that I can't blame "pms" for a prolong irritation - it dawned on me...  I'm DREADING the year marker unlike anything I've ever experienced before.   I feel like every day my anxiety and dread get worst.  Kind of like own personal long month of torture. 

It also dawned on me that I have been limiting myself to "Leo" stuff.  I haven't listened to Einstein's Dreams in weeks/months, I haven't visited his facebook page, I haven't watched the slideshow, YouTube, etc.  Maybe it's a self-protection thing, but I also attribute my seldom tears to this.  I don't want to remove him...I have to get to a point where I can keep him in my life and not fall apart.

Last week, I had a ticket to the symphony.  I was very confident that I was going to be able to go - I was even excited about it!  As the day came - anxiety started showing its ugly face.  I decided against going.  I was talking to co-workers about it and started crying...if talking about it made me cry...I was just imaging what being there would do to me emotionally.   I started playing out every situation possible; "I'm happy, I'm bawling, etc" then thinking about after the show - how I'd love nothing else than to call Leo.  No thanks...didn't want to put myself in that situation. 

Another situation I'm trying to avoid is being in Nashville for the big 3-0 and the year anniversary of Leo dying.  A conversation I had on g-chat today confirmed my desire to be gone.  I initially wanted to go out to CA- but my bank account had other plans.  Tonight- I kind of thought of this: asking my boss if I can work remotely - go to ATL for a few days - see my dad and Carol and drop the dogs off.  I'll leave from dad's house and head to MI and spend the year marker with mom.  We would go to Grand Rapids and see Leo. 

I wasn't ready to see him the last time I was up there...but I want to go.  I think...mom was saying that he probably still has his winter flowers - so we would go put some summer flowers at his grave.  God...how and why do I even have to plan for this??  It makes me sick to my stomach...

I can't believe a year has passed and my tears can still fall immediately.  I miss him so much...so so so much. 

However, I think going back to Bay City will be good for me...Carol Lucas will be back from FL...maybe mom and I can go see Allan and Brenda.  Maybe not...maybe this visit needs to be about us and Leo...low-key.  Then I can go back during the summer and go sailing :).

Let the dreadful countdown begin...

Kathryn