This morning - I was giving my mom my daily phone call. Since it's the weekend - if I do not get her on the cell phone - I call the house line. I've made several references to the answering machine - and the dread that I feel when the day comes that it goes away. I never want it to go away, because it is still Leo's voice. I usually smile when I hear it...and am always flooded with a ton of memories. I love calling the house when I know my mom won't pick up - I am 100% certain going to hear Leo.
Today, hearing the his voice, it kind of sent a knife into my heart. Usually when I would call - he would always be the first one to answer the phone. We would have our chat - then the phone would be passed to mom. Some times - both of them would have conversations with me. Those usually involved lots of laughter...I miss those...
I miss him a lot. I miss our conversations. I miss his advice. I miss his laughter. I miss his presence from my life. I just miss him.
Mom has been having a really rough weekend. It hurts me to not be able to be near her. I wish we could go on walks together - to cry together - to watch TV. Would this process be easier if she was closer? If I'm honest - I think it would be more difficult. When I know she is not doing well - it just makes my grief 10 times worse. I don't know if that makes sense - but the worry and stress I feel over her - add my own - and I'm a waterfall of tears.
In ten short day - I will be approaching the 11 month marker.
Not looking forward to the 11 month and definitely not the year marker either...my hopes is to be returning from CA around that time though...
xox to you Leo
-Kathryn-
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