I don't want to go back.

There I said it.  I'm the worst daughter ever - I don't want to go back to MI. 

I've been in Nashville for almost a week.  It didn't really feel "normal" until Friday.  Of course, I was still making and receiving phone calls on behalf of my mom, but it was under 5.  It was quiet day.

Today (Saturday) none.  NONE!  It's been amazing. 

Nashville also gifted me with amazing weather on Friday and today.  The high was 75 with a very bright sun - I had lunch outside with a friend.  Took the dogs on a very long walk.  Started day dreaming about the flowers I wanted to plant this spring...only to be interrupted with the reminder that I'm going back to MI tomorrow.  Will I even be here to plant flowers?  Who will water them? 

I had a half day for myself today.  The other half has been dedicated to my mom. 

I wish the drive wasn't 9 hours.  I wish I wasn't returning to a place that is freezing.  I don't want to see snow on the ground.  I don't want to deal with my dogs at my mom's house.  I wish my mom didn't have cancer.  I wish I was staying in Nashville.  I really wish my mom didn't have cancer. 

However, this past week has also shown me how difficult it is to be a caretaker 645 miles away.  It has shown me how supported I am in MI.  I think I'm handling things so well...because I'm supported by endless number of people who love my mom and in turn love me.  Down here - I feel very alone.  The only people I can relate to right now are people my mother's age.  I'm an old soul, but not that old!  It's because they have had to be a care-taker for one of their parents.  Without these people's presence in my daily life - I felt myself start to have higher levels of anxiety.   There is just no way I would be able to be in Nashville very long.  I just need to come to terms with this. 

I talked to my coworker, Katie, who had a very similar situation 10 years ago - and she said "when I did this for my mom, it was so hard and exhausting - but I have absolutely no regret."  That has stuck with me.  Even during my semi tantrum state of not wanting to leave my house...I do know that I want to take the best care of my mom...because I want her around.  When people tell me I need to find balance - they haven't been in my situation.  It's impossible to find balance.  I don't know what will happen at the end of all this.  No one does...no one really knows when their end date is...but with whatever happens with my mom's life...I will have zero regrets. 

-Kathryn-