just plain sad.

I've had a horrible week.  I've been extra stressed with my out of control hormones - then adding my dogs has taken things to a whole new level.  I was bitchy to people - my mom - my dogs - you name it - I was a bitch.  One of my mom's friends - Joanne (my adopted grandmother) - even told me I seemed stressed.  It's bad when others can pick up on your stress!  I even had a stress headache that made me throw up.  It's been awhile since I've had a headache like that.   

Now, the 24/7 frustration has mostly subsided (thankfully!) and I'm just feeling lonely and sad.  I miss talking to my mom - like my typical mom.  I haven't had a good mom talk since before Christmas.  Almost 3 full months of not really having my mom to talk to.  A full month and a few days of mom having brain cancer.  BRAIN CANCER....life is unfair.   I'm so jealous of my friends that don't experience any pain or hardships.   I also look at them and think "you truly have no fucking idea how lucky you really are..." How awful is that?  Not that I would wish this upon anyone...I'm just bitter that my life has dealt me the cards it has. 

I'm sad sitting here in her house without her.  Since Leo died - being in the house has been a little sad. Now - both of them aren't here.  It's pretty awful...

It's cold and windy here.  The sun is hardly ever out.  Ready for Spring.  Ready for warmth and sun.  Ready for laughter and happiness.  Ready for open windows and not gloves and 10 layers of clothes.  Ready for my mom's radiation treatment to be over.  Ready to see if the tumor starts shrinking.  Ready to hug my mom.  Ready to just hold her hand and not have to immediately run to wash my hands because of how radio-active she is.  Ready for my mom to be home living independently.  Ready to wake up from this truly awful nightmare - in Nashville - in my OWN BED! 

There are so many - "what if's" and "wait and see" I can't stand it.  My mind is constantly wondering and anticipating the future.  I'm driving myself crazy. 

A note of fun: this coming Wednesday I have plans with mom's friend, Sandy and her daughter.  Her daughter is my age - and apparently we are a lot of like.  A social event!  It will be GLORIOUS!

This picture is by Andy Rogers - Sandy's husband.  It's Sandy, myself and Andrew.  We called this our "regina turner is out of ICU celebration" at SteinHaus.