Finally, Mom came back

I saw her in my dreams last night.  I don't care that I woke up crying - I would be willing to cry every night just to see and talk to her in my dreams.

This is what I remember:  It was "cancer" mom, but it was early-on when she was still functioning.  I was up in MI working.  Dennis was in town for something and while I trying to get some work done - Dennis and mom were playing cards.  They were having so much fun and laughing loudly...I was getting really annoyed and frustrated.  I was trying to get work done, but they were having a blast.  (I was probably more jealous than anything.  The handful of times Dennis, mom and I hung out - it was SO FUN!)  I stormed out of the room - and mom followed after me.  She asked why I was so upset and I simply said "do you not realize you are going to die?  Why are you having so much fun?"  Mom "TT, I know and I'm so sad about leaving you."  We were both crying - hugging and she just kept saying over and over "I don't want to leave you..."  

This could have been brought on from a conversation Sandy and I had on Monday...but regardless...it was wonderful for her to return to my dreams. 

I'm still really tired from grief therapy.  I spent two hours with Esther - then another hour on the phone with Sandy.  My body felt as if I was the stuffing of a punching bag.  I never had that sort of physical reaction when Leo died...I could feel the heartache, etc - but I was never physically exhausted like that.  It was different.  

Esther said this..."this experience with your mom was so intense and tragic...I'm not surprise you are just now calling me.  It's like a computer downloading a new software on dial up speed.  This is going to take awhile to process."   She asked me how my support was...I told her how it's even worse this go round.  She remembered Tracy and asked about her.  Of course, Tracy is by my side...even if she is located in CA.  She wasn't surprised when she learned that my memories of my mom rarely go before cancer.  She wasn't surprised that I relate and want to talk to people 50+.  She wasn't surprised to hear that I still have to remind myself that mom won't be on the other end of a phone call I so desperately want to make.  It's nice to be reminded that I'm not going crazy too.  

Esther asked me if I wanted to continue seeing her on a weekly basis - of course I am.  She said she felt so honored.  What is amazing about Esther is she remembers a lot of what we talked about when I went to her with Leo.  With all the people she sees, she can still remember my story and our conversations from a few years ago.   It offers me a level of comfort that I probably wouldn't have with anyone else.  I don't really have to start from the very beginning...I can start from Feb 2013.