coffee

For over 8 months now - Leo's Anthropologie "L" mug has been wrapped in a box - sitting in my dining room.   Most of the gifts I got mom and Leo were a combo gift...but last year...I got them individual mugs from Anthro...see here...adorable right?

When I went back to MI for a month after he died - I brought all their gifts I had collected to mom.  Bottles of wine from Napa Valley, art, books, etc...I took mom her R mug...but left the L here in Nashville.  I struggled with my decision - do I leave the mug here in Nashville or give it to my mom?  I decided to leave it here...she has plenty of "things" to remind her of him...

So the mug is here in Nashville.  It's odd what things I want to "keep" - I kept the gift tag where I wrote "To: Leo  Love: Kathryn."  Not sure why really...maybe because it's the very last gift tag I'll ever write to him...not sure.

I was surprised by how easy it was for me to unwrap the box.  What wasn't easy was seeing "L."  Here is the mug...and I didn't mean for this to happen in the picture, but his tea-pot behind it (he had to buy mom a new since he messed this one up - but it's still fully functional - so I took it!)...and a few inches up...you would see his pepper grinder. 

I decided to drink my morning coffee out of it today.  I didn't cry all morning - a few tears did fall - but it wasn't my normal type of crying.  Here is the mug at the "coffee station" - which - I get nervous anytime that glass container gets low...something else I got from Mom and Leo :).

Speaking of "normal"...Tracy and I talked last night...and we talked about the Republican primary and politics in general - for awhile.  It was a good discussion.  I have been thinking about politics a lot lately.  I was telling her how excited it makes me...because it means that I'm starting to think and focus on something other than my grief.  Not that I'm "over it" or "moved on"...but I'm looking at it as if I'm figuring out who I am with Leo dying.  More like I'm getting used to this feeling...and still living...parts of me are coming back.

It feels good.  However, I am being careful to not get too familiar with this feeling.  I know that my wound is healing/forming a scab - but anything and everything can knock it back off and it could bleed for days.   Therefore, I approach this feeling with lots of caution. 

I LOVE a good cup of coffee.  Weekends are my favorite - because I take the time to enjoy it out of a mug.  Today, my mug had a L on it...for Leo.  I love him and would love nothing more to have one more cup of his coffee with him.  Actually, I blame my coffee dependancy on mom and Leo...

However, his influence was always for the good - and anyone who knows me - knows about my love for a good cup of coffee.

Thanks for all the wonderful cups of coffee Leo.

Kathryn

8 months.

My god.  how in the hell has it been 8 months?  It feels like yesterday I go the phone call...that phone call.  It had been weeks - even months since I had recalled that awful memory, but sadly I had a trigger a few days ago.  Someone I called had just received bad news from his family and had to call me back.  Immediately, I assumed the worst...and started playing my phone call over and over in my head.  I had to stop what I was doing and start cleaning.  Cleaning seems to be the only way to stop my mind...but I can't clean all day...and I've been thinking about my bad news phone call a lot the past few days. 

I am still struggling...I'm still heartbroken...I'm still crying.  I am still having a hard time grasping the fact that Leo was here on May 16 - then gone on the 17th.  Just gone.  No warning - no final goodbye - just gone.

I don't know how to say goodbye to him...I don't want to say goodbye.

I'm not ready...so I'll end it with the song we ended all of his memorial events with...

I miss you Leo.

MLK

MLK is one of my heroes...has been for years.  He was one of Leo's too.

Leo was the one to encouraged me to read some of King's work.  Looking back, I'm not surprised by this at all.  In his death, it has come to light - a bright beaming light - that Leo was very influential in my life.  Wanting me to learn - gain new perspectives, etc...

The song below is one of my favorites.  I remember when I saw Patty Griffin at the Ryman...she ended her show with this song...and I was blown away.   Listen to the words - it's from his last speech he delivered before he was killed.   I love who MLK was and what he represents.  If I could do a tiny fraction of what he did in his lifetime - I'd consider my life a great success.

Enjoy the song!

Just what I needed

I had a bad day accompanied with lots of tears.  I woke up to the most water I've ever seen in my backyard.  Which, to those non-dog owners - this might mean nothing...but those that are dog owners...it's one of the biggest annoyances.   I was already frustrated trying to convince the dogs they won't melt if they go outside - then getting myself ready and to work on time.

On my way to work, I called my mom to check on the status of the heat in her house.  She lives in Michigan - it's cold up there.  We were talking about the financial aspect of this...why stuff keeps happening...when is the break coming...then she made the comment of "if only Leo and I did estate plan..." then cut herself off to say "I just can't go there" then cried.  I hate seeing her go through this - I want to make it disappear - to put the burden on me...isn't it enough to deal with the loss of a husband?  Why is everything else happening?

What I'm about to say - I truly believe - my mom is one of the strongest people I know.  She lost both her parents by the time she was 19, lost a daughter, now a husband...and she is still here...still doing the best she can.  Still listening to my silly drama.  I told her she will make it through this - but this time - she is alone and doesn't have Leo.

Tonight - I had plans with my friend Mandy.  I love her...dearly.  I feel rejuvenated when we hang out.  She is one of the most lovely souls I know - and I'm really thankful that our paths are still crossing 10 years after we met.  It was nice to get out - to talk about how I feel and just have a friend (besides Tracy) listen.  To just let me cry - be sad - and ultimately - listen. 

Really listen to me.

Thanks for a great night Mandy Mann!

Kathryn

Pictures

Both my mom and I are organizing pictures.  This weekend I have been flooded with precious memories.  The memories stream from fun friends in high school - college - california - but most importantly - I've found some of Leo.  These memories have also brought many tears.  Over friendships that are not present, Leo, lack of excitement in my life...I want to rewind and go back when my life was simple...when I didn't wake up with this heartache. 

I plan to get a scanner soon - but the ones below are a few my mom has found.  Leo LOVED LOVED LOVED wind.  One of my favorite stories I recently heard - when mom and Leo lived on the Lake - they had friends over.  Leo wanted to walk to the beach to see what the wind was like by the water.  Apparently, they had to go searching for him - only to find him asleep on the beach - enjoying the wind.   Naturally,  flying a kite would be an enjoyable past time of his too :).  I've flown a kite with him a time or two...

This next picture...is one of my new favorites of Leo.  He looks so happy, relaxed...this is happy Leo...how I remember him.  I love all of these people on the boat with all of my heart.  Leo is with Brenda and Allan Brouillet - with their dog Harkin.  I can't put into words how much this picture warms my heart. 

-Kathryn-