of course...

Do I jinx myself by expressing how I feel?  Because, yesterday was completely an emotional day.  I even opted to skip the Symphony last night.  Here are the series of events:

It was nasty in Nashville yesterday.  I have talked about how rain, my stress level, and my dogs - do not see eye to eye.  (by the end of my day - I had done two loads of towels in the washer - it was that muddy outside!)

Yesterday late afternoon - my mom sent me an email.  The email said this:


This is so crazy...I sent a message [to Leo] because I was feeling blue and this message showed up as a reply. It's a little message he sent me via FB about two years ago. My heart jumped out of my chest.

Here is the picture that was at the bottom of the email:

I was at work and it instantly brought tears to my eyes.  I was telling a friend on gchat that I didn't know if I was going to be able to attend the symphony that night.  This person wasn't very understanding - and didn't see why going would be difficult for me.   How could someone not understand how hard it is going to the symphony?  It was so frustrating to have to explain myself.  I had to make my situation comparable to a break up - and it annoyed me.  I think the message from mom, my frustration, the nasty day - all the emotions combined and I broke down at work.  

Last time I went to the symphony I was having an okay day, but I just sat there saying "Leo used to do this...Leo would love this...I wish I could talk to Leo about this..."  I knew that going last night wouldn't have been a good idea.  I knew that I would get emotional at the concert hall and I didn't want to experience that.  The same person on g-chat also said "it's okay to cry," but there is a difference between tearing up and having uncontrollable sobs.  Especially since I would be there by myself...it was a recipe for a horrible evening...

So I opted to stay home.  I think it was a good decision - there is no need to put myself in a situation that will make me more sad when I'm sad.  I talked to my mom about it - and she feels the same way.  I guess a lot of her friends want her to come see the band Leo used to direct - and it's just a painful reminder...why would she go?  That is how I felt about attending the symphony last night.

A week from today - my mom will be on her way to Nashville - yay!!!

Kathryn

the past month.

Where has the last month gone?  This blog feels like a friend that I haven't talked to in a long time.  I've missed expressing myself and just jotting down my feelings of the day....especially when they are about Leo.  It's good to see you old buddy!  (yes, I did just say that...)

I have been busier.  It's been nice - to have something actually going on in my life.  A few weeks ago - my brother in law came into town and it was a very welcomed break from my Nashville reality.  I had fun, laughed a lot, ate at my favorite greek place, went to the flea market, trader joes, saw live music, etc.  Having people in town and jam packing so many things into two days...reminds me how much I love Nashville.  It reminds me how many great things I have surrounding me - always something going on - always something to do.  It was a good reminder - especially - since I've been doing the "why am I here" thoughts...

My mom will be at my house in 8 days!  Goodness, I can't wait.  The way this visit got scheduled is wonderful.  Brenda sent me a message on facebook saying she was thinking about me and wondering how I was and if I was going to see Bill Maher while he was in Nashville.  I wrote back - the normal - then added how I was doing okay, but really worried about my mom.  I also told her that I wasn't going, because going to a standup event is not one I want to do solo.  She wrote back "we are worried too - what if we grabbed your mom and came down for Bill Maher?"  I remember reading that message in the vet's office and having to wipe tears away.  The kindness that I have been shown by a handful of people during this time after Leo's death is one of the only reasons I'm still standing (especially you Tracy!).  Anyway, we planned it - and they are coming!  Allan and Brenda will get my mom on Friday early morning and they will be here before dinner time!  YAY!!!  My brother is also going to come up...I can't wait.

I can't wait to have a house full of people I love.  To be surrounded by people I love for a joyous event.  We aren't getting together for another memorial service for Leo.  It does feel weird to think about mom coming down without him.  It still feels like he is just out of town.  I expect him to return in a few weeks - and life will be normal again.

I know this is lame, but about a week ago - I changed my facebook picture from the the last one I'll ever take with Leo - to one of me and the sister on the cruise.  I went back and forth about 5 or 6 times - went through a range of emotions changing the picture.  Sadness, happiness that I felt okay to change it, guilt.

I remember hearing from Esther and grief group that people experience guilt...example: "if I don't cry about that person today...it means I'm over them dying..."  I remember continuously telling Esther that I will never experience that emotion...but I have been flirting with guilt.  If I'm not okay - I can go down that road.  I'm floating into states of this being normal and missing him.  Before, I was in the state of missing, depression, remaining in the past.  Lately, I have been finding myself going a few days without crying.  But this doesn't mean my thoughts don't go to Leo all day long...because they do...i am just being able to make it through my day okay.   All I try to do is make it day to day - and I have been. 

Some of Leo's dearest people in his life will be together on the 9th month anniversary of death.  I'm so thankful I will have people here...those days always suck :).  

 Until next time...

Kathryn

9 Months

Yesterday marked 9 months.  It's funny how my life feels like it is passing at the slowest pace possible.  It feels like Leo died yesterday.  I can still clearly recall that phone call, my car ride to GR - stopping to cry, my numerous phone calls with Tracy and Greg - crying to them, the funeral, my mom, Leo in a casket, kissing (i kissed my hand and touched him, I didn't kiss a dead body!) and touching him one last time, my return trip to Nashville, literally walking around like a Zombie until I could return to my mom, etc, etc...all this seems like yesterday.  But reality is always there to bitch-slap me...it has been 9 months.

 My grief is still as raw as it was on 5/17/11 - I have just learned how to cover it up better.  I still go from no tears to tears in a matter of seconds.

I miss you more than ever Leo - xox.

Surrounded

Randall did an interview about Einstein's Dreams...he talked about mom and Leo.  It brought me to tears....I am tired of feeling sad and missing him so much.  Out of the blue - this interview is posted online - then all of a sudden I realize how all my surroundings remind me of Leo.  Which has made for an emotional afternoon...

I was cleaning today - vacuuming my art to remove the dust (yes, I'm that lazy...hate dusting...but the dyson gets is very fast!) and I want to take you through my realization today.   These are just in my living room.

First up - it was a double reminder: 1. Montmartre in Paris (we went there) and this print is in the Getty Museum in LA (we went there too).  Mom and Leo had this print framed for me as a Christmas gift...it sits on my fire mantel:

Directly across from the Paris print - hangs a piece they found at an antique store.  It's a wood carving print:

Perpendicular from the Paris and wood print - sits this piece.

If you sit on the chair that is under these shelves - you will see Barack Obama's book - Mom and Leo got me a signed edition:

In the same bookcase you will see these (but I'm reading Einstein's Dreams again - so currently it's by my bed):

If I sit on my couch -  look at the shelf underneath my side table...I see these...one of those articles...that's a picture of me talking at his memorial service:

For good measure - while sitting on the couch and looking into the kitchen - I see these right by each other.  It's the game day teapot and infamous pepper grinder...do you know how many times his hands touched this grinder?  Multiply times daily... :(

I really don't understand why he had to die so early and suddenly...

Kathryn

In the kitchen...

One place that will always make me think about Leo is the kitchen.  Leo always made sure I had the most handy/needed kitchen tools...I also got a few of his kitchen tools when he died.  When I have people in my kitchen and we are using something from Leo - I get the question "where did you get that?"  me: "Leo"  Friend: "oh, of course..."  :)

Wednesday - I woke up with a slight headache - that turned into one of the worst migraines I've ever had.  I left work early - slept for about 7 hours during the afternoon/early evening - called my mom in tears.  I don't care how old I am...my mom telling me i'll be okay...always helps!  However, after my last round of sleeping/medicine - I woke up with a headache that I was able to tolerate.  At that point in the day...it was time for dinner.

I have been wanting to  try this mushroom pasta recipe.  I love love love mushrooms - and had a variety pack of them.  Sadly, when I unwrapped them - it was a few days late - and I was back to the classic "what do I make for dinner..."   I went with a broccoli pasta.  This specific recipe called for garlic.  I was getting my garlic ready...and I reached for my phone to call Leo to ask him a question.  Literally, I picked up my phone to call him.  It was awful.  I immediately broke into tears.  I kept thinking how I wish I could ask him just a fucking question about garlic.  How unfair is it...that Leo is gone...and I can't ask him about garlic. 

I love to cook - and I always loved trying new recipes.  I am starting to wonder if my lack of interest is due to the fact that my personal chef and wealth of knowledge is gone...  Sure...I hear music and think of Leo...but we didn't connect over music.  We connected as a family - over dinners - over coffee - over sitting in the kitchen watching The Daily Show or MSNBC.  One of my favorite things to do was sit in the kitchen with him... 

What I have come to realize about going through a loss - this feeling is always present.  Some days are worse than others - but I carry this sadness around constantly.  He is one of the first thoughts that cross through my mind in the morning.  I think about him all the time...

I've been watching YouTube videos of him...just to hear his voice.  There is this one where he is introducing the 2011-2012 season...he is so funny and smart.  I just wish there was a 2011-2012 season...

God I miss him...