Will mark the last time I saw leo alive. 11/5/08 - but I flew back to Nashville that day - so it was simply a morning coffee to recover from all the wine/champagne the night before and a hug goodbye. If only I had known that would be my last hug.
I am definitely going through a low-point...just really, really missing him.
Election time used to be exciting for me. It is still exciting, but it's also a horrible reminder that bring ups guilt and anger.
-Kathryn
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Halloween
The girls at work and I went out to eat for Miki's last day. Tomorrow is the big day for little EK to enter the world! We had just sat down - looking over the menu and I see my phone light up with a notification. It was a post on FB from my mom that simply said "This is so lovely. I'm crying again."
Of course I have to open FB to find out what she is talking about. She posted the link to an article that was written about Leo. I started reading the article at the table and tears were just streaming down my face. I had to stop reading the article. I was upset that I had allowed my weakness (tears) to be seen. I was upset, annoyed, or whatever that someone outside of my family had made me cry about the topic of Leo. I expressed, out loud, "why are they still writing articles! do they not know how this makes his family feel?" I think most of all - I was mad that I was overcome with emotions at a time that I hadn't allowed. (Read lack of control :) )
However, once I got home - read the article again and cried in peace - I am thankful and honored.
a year and a half after his death and his community and friends still thinks about, misses, and loves him. I hardly talk about Leo to anyone. In fact, I can't recall the last time I talked to anyone about him besides my mom. I am definitely able to hide my grief - and don't share the fact that tears still fall frequently.
This article reminds me that grief is a LONG, fucking LONG journey. Probably one that will never end. I feel like this is a lesson/fact that I'll never accept and/or learn. It takes articles - or the fact that I'm almost out of the pepper corns he gave me in college and i have NO idea what kind they were. Or where to get them - that reminds me just how long the journey is. The journey involves lots of emotions, good and bad times, confusion, growth, etc, etc.
However, this beautifully written article helps me realize that I'm not alone. I'll never be alone in my journey of losing Leo - because I have a community just 600 miles north of me that feel the same way.
I posted the link and my favorite line from the article on my own FB page this afternoon that sums up how I felt about the article:
"He was real. He was warm. He was full of ideas. He was a genius. He was unique." Another wonderful article about my step-father Leo. Goodness - I miss this man.
Of course I have to open FB to find out what she is talking about. She posted the link to an article that was written about Leo. I started reading the article at the table and tears were just streaming down my face. I had to stop reading the article. I was upset that I had allowed my weakness (tears) to be seen. I was upset, annoyed, or whatever that someone outside of my family had made me cry about the topic of Leo. I expressed, out loud, "why are they still writing articles! do they not know how this makes his family feel?" I think most of all - I was mad that I was overcome with emotions at a time that I hadn't allowed. (Read lack of control :) )
However, once I got home - read the article again and cried in peace - I am thankful and honored.
a year and a half after his death and his community and friends still thinks about, misses, and loves him. I hardly talk about Leo to anyone. In fact, I can't recall the last time I talked to anyone about him besides my mom. I am definitely able to hide my grief - and don't share the fact that tears still fall frequently.
This article reminds me that grief is a LONG, fucking LONG journey. Probably one that will never end. I feel like this is a lesson/fact that I'll never accept and/or learn. It takes articles - or the fact that I'm almost out of the pepper corns he gave me in college and i have NO idea what kind they were. Or where to get them - that reminds me just how long the journey is. The journey involves lots of emotions, good and bad times, confusion, growth, etc, etc.
However, this beautifully written article helps me realize that I'm not alone. I'll never be alone in my journey of losing Leo - because I have a community just 600 miles north of me that feel the same way.
I posted the link and my favorite line from the article on my own FB page this afternoon that sums up how I felt about the article:
"He was real. He was warm. He was full of ideas. He was a genius. He was unique." Another wonderful article about my step-father Leo. Goodness - I miss this man.
Rob Clark - Thank you for the article.
Kathryn
Kathryn
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Grievers are still in relationship to their loved one...
I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm just not feeling that "happy." I have zero desire to talk to people ( i haven't even called my granny back - horrible granddaughter of the year!!!) - I have some unexplained medical stuff going on that I believe is contributing - I just am feeling very blah at the moment.
Last Sunday was beautiful. Nashville has had a wonderful break from the heat - I'm trying to not be too optimistic about the weather and think Fall is popping its head early - because I know in a week or two - it can be back in the 100's. Anyway, last Sunday - I woke up without a headache (however, I did develop one later in the afternoon) and wanted to escape. I looked up some scenic driving routes in Middle TN, put the pups in the car and just left. If I was gutsy enough - I would have left my cellphone to fully be unattached from the world. However, realizing I have a tendency to get lost - I decided to bring the phone.
On the drive - I found myself feeling two drastic emotions. Jealous: the country is romantic. Old barns (I LOVE OLD BARNS!!), beautiful mountains and fields, old houses, greenery everywhere!, small towns where most people are overly sweet. I got out of the car with my dogs and didn't hear the normal abused, chained dogs barking, young disrespectful kids/adults or police sirens. Mom and Pa shops are basically the only stores that are around. There is a kind of peace that you get from nature - I started wondering if people who live in rural areas have this more than me?
Later on in my drive - around the time the church crowd got on the road and I was getting annoyed and lost- I started feeling antsy and thankful. I'm thankful I have options around me - many farmers markets - libraries - art museums - fantastic bars and restaurants - my quirky neighborhood. With all the negatives of living in an urban neighborhood - there are far more positives that I have to hold on to when I get frustrated with where I live. I think a little drive to the country and interaction with those locals reminded me to love where I'm a local...
I also listened to Einstein's Dreams for the first time in awhile. Goodness - the music is so beautiful. It isn't helpful in the "i really miss him" thoughts are constantly go though my head...but then I remembered this article by Ashley Davis Bush. I have been clinging to it...here it is in a nutshell:
What Grievers Cannot Do
What Grievers Can Do
It's okay to miss him. I will always miss him. It's okay to listen to ED and cry. I'm not torturing myself (like I try to sarcastically joke about it) - it's me having a relationship with him. It's one of the only way I can because he isn't here physically. I have been asked a few times, "is it a good idea to listen to ED or watch youtube videos of him, etc." By people asking me - I have started to feel guilty and weird - even embarrassed.
I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to "embrace my new self," but it's exhausting, difficult, scary...sometimes I fail, fall down and take 100 steps back. It's how I currently feel - like I took 100 steps back, but it's okay, because I know that eventually I will walk forward and maybe take 101 steps this time.
We have a big event in the family this coming week. Leo should be there....I want Leo to be there. I know mom and Andrew want him there. I'm just thankful that we can carry him around in our hearts.
Like always, I miss and love you always, Leo.
Kathryn
Last Sunday was beautiful. Nashville has had a wonderful break from the heat - I'm trying to not be too optimistic about the weather and think Fall is popping its head early - because I know in a week or two - it can be back in the 100's. Anyway, last Sunday - I woke up without a headache (however, I did develop one later in the afternoon) and wanted to escape. I looked up some scenic driving routes in Middle TN, put the pups in the car and just left. If I was gutsy enough - I would have left my cellphone to fully be unattached from the world. However, realizing I have a tendency to get lost - I decided to bring the phone.
On the drive - I found myself feeling two drastic emotions. Jealous: the country is romantic. Old barns (I LOVE OLD BARNS!!), beautiful mountains and fields, old houses, greenery everywhere!, small towns where most people are overly sweet. I got out of the car with my dogs and didn't hear the normal abused, chained dogs barking, young disrespectful kids/adults or police sirens. Mom and Pa shops are basically the only stores that are around. There is a kind of peace that you get from nature - I started wondering if people who live in rural areas have this more than me?
Later on in my drive - around the time the church crowd got on the road and I was getting annoyed and lost- I started feeling antsy and thankful. I'm thankful I have options around me - many farmers markets - libraries - art museums - fantastic bars and restaurants - my quirky neighborhood. With all the negatives of living in an urban neighborhood - there are far more positives that I have to hold on to when I get frustrated with where I live. I think a little drive to the country and interaction with those locals reminded me to love where I'm a local...
I also listened to Einstein's Dreams for the first time in awhile. Goodness - the music is so beautiful. It isn't helpful in the "i really miss him" thoughts are constantly go though my head...but then I remembered this article by Ashley Davis Bush. I have been clinging to it...here it is in a nutshell:
What Grievers Cannot Do
- Get Over It -- Although stoicism is often admired, it is not healthy for grievers. The truth is that a major loss is devastating -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Grievers don't simply "get over" such a life-altering experience as one might get over an illness. Grief is a necessary, ongoing journey that fluctuates over time. Grief has no closure.
- Forget Their Loved One -- Grievers cannot and should not pretend as if their loved one never existed. Most grievers think of their beloved one daily, no matter how many years have gone by. If you, as a friend, never mention the loved one who has died, you are acting as if you've forgotten.
- Move On -- Grievers are often told to "move on" with life. It is impossible to move on as if nothing has changed when the foundation of one's life has been shattered. Severing a tie to a deceased loved is not possible, nor should it be the goal (see "Moving Forward" in the next section).
- Be Their Old Self Again -- Grievers are irrevocably changed. They cannot return to being their old selves again. They are no longer the same person after a major loss.
- Stop Hurting -- Grievers and their loved ones often wish for the pain of grief to stop. The hard truth is that painful feelings of grief will arise again and again over the years. They will continue to "burst" into life at the most inopportune moments. Sometimes a holiday or anniversary will stimulate renewed pain and, at other times, a simple rainy Tuesday is all that it will take.
What Grievers Can Do
- Integrate Loss Into Life -- Grievers must live with loss, but they do have the choice to reengage with life. The way to begin this lies in the understanding that loss is an inevitable part of life and that their loved one is always with them in their heart.
- Move Forward -- Grievers may not be able to simply "move on," but they can "move forward" as a changed person with a willingness to accept the many facets of being alive. When grievers move forward they do so with their loved one ever in their memory, their heart, and their spirit.
- Remember and Stay Connected in Love -- Grievers can make it a practice to honor their loved one and stay connected to them. They can keep journals and letters written to their loved ones, display photographs and speak about them. Grievers are still in relationship to their loved one even though their physical form is no longer on this planet.
- Embrace a New Self -- Grievers can understand that being forever changed means that while the old self has died, a new self is emerging. This new self has the potential for increased strength, wisdom, compassion, insight, and perspective.
- Channel Their Pain Into New Energy -- The human spirit is remarkably resilient. Grievers can pour their pain into new life missions, causes, and callings. They may reach out with compassion and understanding to others who suffer. Grievers have a choice to transcend their loss by making meaning out of unspeakable pain.
It's okay to miss him. I will always miss him. It's okay to listen to ED and cry. I'm not torturing myself (like I try to sarcastically joke about it) - it's me having a relationship with him. It's one of the only way I can because he isn't here physically. I have been asked a few times, "is it a good idea to listen to ED or watch youtube videos of him, etc." By people asking me - I have started to feel guilty and weird - even embarrassed.
I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to "embrace my new self," but it's exhausting, difficult, scary...sometimes I fail, fall down and take 100 steps back. It's how I currently feel - like I took 100 steps back, but it's okay, because I know that eventually I will walk forward and maybe take 101 steps this time.
We have a big event in the family this coming week. Leo should be there....I want Leo to be there. I know mom and Andrew want him there. I'm just thankful that we can carry him around in our hearts.
Like always, I miss and love you always, Leo.
Kathryn
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Pesto Pasta
Let me paint the picture - it's Saturday evening - Olympics on the TV and I'm listening to the new Dirty Guv'nahs cd I received in the mail yesterday (a little plug for the guvs...it's fantastic!) my dogs still calm from our long walk this morning - and I'm prepping for dinner.
I have stopped eating land-animals as of late April. Since then, I have been enjoying the challenge of food preparation since I've been going down this path. I feel a lot better and am eating a ton more veggies/fruits.
Last weekend while I was at the grocery store, I decided to get the materials to make pesto pasta.
Of course, I learned this dish from Leo. It was his "go-to" meal if we needed something quick. Let me express - it was absolutely amazing. There were times that I requested it - even if he had all time in the world to cook a meal. This was even the one dish I talked about in my "letter to him" at his memorial service. He always used the most fabulous pesto. I remember he gave me a jar of it my sophmore year of college - and I was so stingy with it...my roommates said I would "ration" it out...but I couldn't find the stuff in Knoxville! Leo got it from a store in Ann Arbor...I have no idea what the store is called. A large jar was about $30 and a smaller jar was about $7...so as a college student...yes...I kept it to myself most of the time :).
Anyway, pesto and pasta has become one of my go-to meals. Leo always added sausage, but since my "no land-animal" diet - tonight I added soy sausage. It was pretty good! As I was putting the final touches on my dinner - the pepper grinder of course - out of no where tears are streaming down my face.
I eat dinner with tears falling into the food, I am flooded with memories and feel sick that we will never have new ones, I realize I haven't talked about him in weeks/months...no one asks about it anymore. Which is okay...life goes on for people...but this is something that feels like I'll never get past.
I simply miss him so much. I really hate it. I would trade everything to have a few more days with him. Man...it just sucks.
However, after I sprinkled the pepper on my food- i held the pepper grinder so close and felt comfort - even in the midst of the tears. Weird, I know - but it's one of the only tangible things I have of him...
Thanks for all the recipes Leo!
xox,
Kathryn
**I should note that I used the Kroger' private selection pesto tonight. Right after the funeral, I was looking for something in my mom's purse. I found a grocery list that Leo had written out for mom...he had to be very specific with what he wanted when he sent others to the store. For some reason - the only thing I remember from that list is "pesto - private selection." If it was good enough for Leo - it's perfect for me.
I have stopped eating land-animals as of late April. Since then, I have been enjoying the challenge of food preparation since I've been going down this path. I feel a lot better and am eating a ton more veggies/fruits.
Last weekend while I was at the grocery store, I decided to get the materials to make pesto pasta.
Of course, I learned this dish from Leo. It was his "go-to" meal if we needed something quick. Let me express - it was absolutely amazing. There were times that I requested it - even if he had all time in the world to cook a meal. This was even the one dish I talked about in my "letter to him" at his memorial service. He always used the most fabulous pesto. I remember he gave me a jar of it my sophmore year of college - and I was so stingy with it...my roommates said I would "ration" it out...but I couldn't find the stuff in Knoxville! Leo got it from a store in Ann Arbor...I have no idea what the store is called. A large jar was about $30 and a smaller jar was about $7...so as a college student...yes...I kept it to myself most of the time :).
Anyway, pesto and pasta has become one of my go-to meals. Leo always added sausage, but since my "no land-animal" diet - tonight I added soy sausage. It was pretty good! As I was putting the final touches on my dinner - the pepper grinder of course - out of no where tears are streaming down my face.
I eat dinner with tears falling into the food, I am flooded with memories and feel sick that we will never have new ones, I realize I haven't talked about him in weeks/months...no one asks about it anymore. Which is okay...life goes on for people...but this is something that feels like I'll never get past.
I simply miss him so much. I really hate it. I would trade everything to have a few more days with him. Man...it just sucks.
However, after I sprinkled the pepper on my food- i held the pepper grinder so close and felt comfort - even in the midst of the tears. Weird, I know - but it's one of the only tangible things I have of him...
Thanks for all the recipes Leo!
xox,
Kathryn
**I should note that I used the Kroger' private selection pesto tonight. Right after the funeral, I was looking for something in my mom's purse. I found a grocery list that Leo had written out for mom...he had to be very specific with what he wanted when he sent others to the store. For some reason - the only thing I remember from that list is "pesto - private selection." If it was good enough for Leo - it's perfect for me.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
life is easy...
...when I don't think about him or listen to his music...for example.
I'm scared to allow myself to feel. so scared actually. The seldom time I allow myself to feel - the overwhelming and quick emotions that come out remind me why the fear is there.
When will I not miss him so much? When will I be able to listen to ED and not burst out in tears? When can I shop for olive oil - and not feel the ache in my heart - because I simply want to tell him what kind I purchased. Shopping at TJ Max for oils/spices was one of the many favorite subjects of conversation. I now hate going down that section of TJ's. However, I got my mom (and myself :) ) this cool pasta measuring tool. He would have loved it.
I've enjoyed life with less tears - but it's because I'm pushing this aside. I fear what side-effects this might have.
Funny, I just noticed today's 'google doodle' - Leo gave Klimt's "the kiss" to my mom - as a magnet I believe. Funny how the tiniest reminders are all around :).
love and miss you always, Leo
K
I'm scared to allow myself to feel. so scared actually. The seldom time I allow myself to feel - the overwhelming and quick emotions that come out remind me why the fear is there.
When will I not miss him so much? When will I be able to listen to ED and not burst out in tears? When can I shop for olive oil - and not feel the ache in my heart - because I simply want to tell him what kind I purchased. Shopping at TJ Max for oils/spices was one of the many favorite subjects of conversation. I now hate going down that section of TJ's. However, I got my mom (and myself :) ) this cool pasta measuring tool. He would have loved it.
I've enjoyed life with less tears - but it's because I'm pushing this aside. I fear what side-effects this might have.
Funny, I just noticed today's 'google doodle' - Leo gave Klimt's "the kiss" to my mom - as a magnet I believe. Funny how the tiniest reminders are all around :).
love and miss you always, Leo
K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)