just an awful day

Today has been rough.  I'm on my third set of tears and its not even 4pm yet...thankfully...I am at home for round 3...

It just seems like every single sort of stress I have came full on today.  Work, friends, money, Leo, Leo again, Leo, thinking about Leo, thinking about May 17, Leo, etc, etc

I literally feel my heart hurting today - it hasn't been like this in awhile.  I will honestly say that this feeling is one that I haven't missed.

Before I started having cry-fest #2 at work - I was having a really weird reaction...I felt shaky - I felt enraged - I was so angry about work and friends.  Then, thankfully, I broke down in tears and the rage kind of went away.   It's just funny...how and why does everything happen at once?  Or maybe this is just normal life and my outlook for the day determines how I handle the normal life...

Whatever it is - I'm happy I'm home, it's the weekend and I'll be able to be productive around the house this weekend.

If there is anything I have learned in the last year...it's that these huge waves of deep sadness eventually leave...and I'll go back to my not even a year old "normalcy."  

Kathryn

counting down the days

The past week or two - I've been quick to be annoyed, pissed, irritated, etc.  After I realized that I can't blame "pms" for a prolong irritation - it dawned on me...  I'm DREADING the year marker unlike anything I've ever experienced before.   I feel like every day my anxiety and dread get worst.  Kind of like own personal long month of torture. 

It also dawned on me that I have been limiting myself to "Leo" stuff.  I haven't listened to Einstein's Dreams in weeks/months, I haven't visited his facebook page, I haven't watched the slideshow, YouTube, etc.  Maybe it's a self-protection thing, but I also attribute my seldom tears to this.  I don't want to remove him...I have to get to a point where I can keep him in my life and not fall apart.

Last week, I had a ticket to the symphony.  I was very confident that I was going to be able to go - I was even excited about it!  As the day came - anxiety started showing its ugly face.  I decided against going.  I was talking to co-workers about it and started crying...if talking about it made me cry...I was just imaging what being there would do to me emotionally.   I started playing out every situation possible; "I'm happy, I'm bawling, etc" then thinking about after the show - how I'd love nothing else than to call Leo.  No thanks...didn't want to put myself in that situation. 

Another situation I'm trying to avoid is being in Nashville for the big 3-0 and the year anniversary of Leo dying.  A conversation I had on g-chat today confirmed my desire to be gone.  I initially wanted to go out to CA- but my bank account had other plans.  Tonight- I kind of thought of this: asking my boss if I can work remotely - go to ATL for a few days - see my dad and Carol and drop the dogs off.  I'll leave from dad's house and head to MI and spend the year marker with mom.  We would go to Grand Rapids and see Leo. 

I wasn't ready to see him the last time I was up there...but I want to go.  I think...mom was saying that he probably still has his winter flowers - so we would go put some summer flowers at his grave.  God...how and why do I even have to plan for this??  It makes me sick to my stomach...

I can't believe a year has passed and my tears can still fall immediately.  I miss him so much...so so so much. 

However, I think going back to Bay City will be good for me...Carol Lucas will be back from FL...maybe mom and I can go see Allan and Brenda.  Maybe not...maybe this visit needs to be about us and Leo...low-key.  Then I can go back during the summer and go sailing :).

Let the dreadful countdown begin...

Kathryn

his voice

This morning - I was giving my mom my daily phone call.  Since it's the weekend - if I do not get her on the cell phone - I call the house line.  I've made several references to the answering machine - and the dread that I feel when the day comes that it goes away.  I never want it to go away, because it is still Leo's voice.  I usually smile when I hear it...and am always flooded with a ton of memories.  I love calling the house when I know my mom won't pick up - I am 100% certain going to hear Leo.  

Today, hearing the his voice, it kind of sent a knife into my heart.  Usually when I would call - he would always be the first one to answer the phone.  We would have our chat - then the phone would be passed to mom.  Some times - both of them would have conversations with me.   Those usually involved lots of laughter...I miss those...

I miss him a lot.  I miss our conversations.  I miss his advice.  I miss his laughter.  I miss his presence from my life.  I just miss him.

Mom has been having a really rough weekend.  It hurts me to not be able to be near her.  I wish we could go on walks together - to cry together - to watch TV.  Would this process be easier if she was closer?  If I'm honest - I think it would be more difficult.   When I know she is not doing well - it just makes my grief 10 times worse.  I don't know if that makes sense - but the worry and stress I feel over her - add my own - and I'm a waterfall of tears. 

In ten short day - I will be approaching the 11 month marker. 

Not looking forward to the 11 month and definitely not the year marker either...my hopes is to be returning from CA around that time though...

xox to you Leo

-Kathryn-

such a little trigger...

It's beautiful in Nashville.  Simply beautiful.  It's the weather that makes me want to sit on a patio for hours and drink a beer or 4.  However, instead of potentially making those sort of plans...I had to come home and deal with house issues. 

I think the universe does this to any homeowner who gets a tax return.  The moment Uncle Sam gives you some cash back - something happens and/or breaks.  Last year - it was my plumbing and car.  This year...plumbing (again) and potential termites. 

Termites.  The dreaded word in the South.  We have horrible pests down here...but termites are those silent - unseen pest that can cause lots and lots of damage. 

I was getting my monthly pest control last week - and suddenly received a happy phone call from Rick.  He left me a voice message that said "Hi Kathryn!  This is Rick!  Jason told me you had potential termites - so call me back and we can take care of this."  Rick, you do not need to sound excited.  This is bad news for me...

Rick came out today - so I left work early.  After Rick is gone - I get my mail and have a card from mom.  It's my first holiday card that didn't include "& Leo." 

I immediately tell Tracy about it - and nothing I can do is able to hold back my tears.  When are these tiny reminders going to stop being so painful?  I am ready for the reminders to happen - and it breaks my heart - because I honestly do not think that will ever go away - but I'm ready for my first reaction to be something other than tears. 

Tracy brought up how it must have been hard/weird for my mom too.  Of course it was...I didn't even think beyond my sadness. 

I know the time will come when tears aren't my first reaction - but goodness - I'm ready for that day. 

It's almost been 11 months too.  11 months.  How, when, where did this year go? 

Love you Leo xox,
Kathryn

Missing him...

I have now passed the 10 month mark.

I miss him more than I ever thought imaginable.  What I would give for one more hour.

Mom was here this past weekend - I'll write a post for the weekend soon - but it was a great time.  Funny enough, Tracy summed it up perfectly when we finally were able to talk on gchat:

i was thinking about you all weekend...so excited they were there...but i just knew it would be hard too...i can imagine that you might feel lonelier once they are gone because you are reminded of what your missing.

So thankful I have one person in my life who understands how a visit from my mom can be painful at the same time.  Other people I've said this to - look at me like I'm crazy.  When I was home after they left - my house felt so empty.  My life felt so empty...

I will admit that I realize how "out of sight - out of mind" I can be with Leo.  Not that I don't think about him, but I feel like he is on vacation.  I feel like he will return any day now.  I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reality.  It's pretty awful...knowing the truth and my reality and having to play those thoughts against each other.  

Seeing Mom, Allan and Brenda - without Leo - has brought on an entire new wave of emotions this week.  He should have been here this past weekend.

I'm just really missing him.

xox Leo -

Kathryn