I know that "normalcy"
is fleeting. I don't know what my normal state is anymore...I
can have a great morning followed by an awful evening. I can have a few
days of feeling good/normal - then wake up with this pit in my
stomach. I even wrote about my approach to this "normal feeling" ...that I'm doing so with a
lot of caution...and rightfully so.
Since Sunday - I have been waking up feeling nausea and anxious. I had
reasons for the last two mornings - on Sunday I was nervous about
meeting someone. Then Monday - I blamed it on my glass of wine before I
met this person and my margarita I had out - oh, and the lack of sleep
due to bad weather. However, today, I was at a loss as to why I woke up with the feeling. It kind of hit me when I was getting ready...it's
Leo's birthday this Sunday. Another first - the first time I'm not
sending a card - or calling him.
The anticipation for
these "firsts" is beyond dreadful. I get so worked up about them a week
or so before...thinking about the event consumes my mind/thoughts...then the day happens...and it's okay. It passes and I
survive. I have gone through enough firsts to know that I will
make it through the day...but that doesn't help. I wish his birthday
didn't fall on a weekend this year - if I was at work - there is plenty
of distractions.
It's not news that I have anxiety in certain situations or when my day is stressful. Bless Tracy's heart - she has had to talk me from numerous panic attacks - and this past Sunday - I was in tears because of many reason. In the moment - I know I'm being ridiculous - but I can't help to feel overwhelmed. Tonight, I had a similar experience.
I have had dental drama for over a year now. Every time I go in...the 45 minute appointment turns into hours. Prime example - today's appointment. I was there from 2 - 5:10. oh my god. I was so annoyed that I was getting home an hour later than normal - that I wouldn't be able to walk my dogs - and that I had an entire house full of feathers that still needed to be cleaned up. Lets not forget about the pain I was in...
However - I got home - mostly pick up all the feathers - cook dinner - did laundry - then was able to relax and watch SOTU. I love politics - and tonight is essentially my Oscar's night. When it's the SOTU - I usually play Bingo/take notes. Tonight - I just took notes and paired it it with half a bottle of wine. Half a bottle of wine - is probably the main reason why I was relaxed and forgot about all the stressful aspects to my day. Wine and loving politics will always help! I just can't help but smile when I see the First Lady and Joe Biden!
Kathryn
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