Christmas

It was my first Christmas without Leo.

This Christmas was really different anyway, since I spent the week before on a cruise.  I didn't do presents - I was driving home on Christmas day.  The only thing that felt normal was watching Sound of Music with my sister.

The cruise was nice...just not my choice of a vacation.  I have pretty strong opinions about "cruising" and what this industry does to the countries, environment, etc...but I'll save that rant for another time.  I was with 21 members of my extended family and have never felt so alone.  It's a funny thing really.  To be surrounded by so many people, but also feel so isolated because your thoughts are not on the same wave length.

It was the first time since Leo died that Mom and I didn't have the ability to talk.  Before we left the port - I had a few mild panic attacks - I couldn't stop crying.  The family members thought I was crazy and thus began my week of feeling like I couldn't talk or express my true feelings.  It's okay though, I have learned through this process that some people will never be able to go there with me emotionally.  I can't hold it against them, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't disappointing.

However, I did get a lot of sun - which feels nice.  I don't radiate in the dead of night, because my skin is so white.  I got lots of coffee and booze.  Really those are the only two items I need to feel comfortable at my house :).

I was also reminded how lucky USA is.  We complain about not going on vacations and not being able to buy the latest Ipad, but most people in other countries don't even have running water.  They are lucky if they have shoes - regardless if they don't fit.  It was a nice reality check that laid a heavy weight of guilt  It's really easy for forget about the rest of the world and stay so focused on your tiny world.

I really have been missing Leo a lot lately.  I miss his laugh, his voice.  I called my mom's house on Christmas, fully knowing she wasn't there, just so I could hear his voice on the answering machine.  I dread the day she changes the greeting.

I can say that I'm very excited that this year is over.  Surely, 2012 can only be an improvement.

I love this picture of Leo...

Not my words - but they are

For the last few months - my dependency on quotes has surprised me.  I love reading them and finding comfort and support.  A few have made me give myself a break, while others have made me weep.  I don't feel so alone - because look at the quote - there has been a person who knows what I'm feeling. 

• "There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are the messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." --Washington Irving

• "Mourning is love with no place to go"

• "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o'er-wrought heart and bids it break." --William Shakespeare  

• "Mourning is one of the most profound human experiences that it is possible to have...The deep capacity to weep for the loss of a loved one and to continue to treasure the memory of that loss is one of our noblest human traits."  --Shneidman

• "Everyone can master a grief but he that has it."  --William Shakespeare

• "To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness."  --Erich Fromm

•  "Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell."  --Emily Dickinson

I can't believe it has almost been 7 months.  I love and miss Leo dearly.

-Kathryn-

Gifts

Leo was one of the most fun people to shop for.  He had so many interest and would love anything you got him.  One year - I got him this set of "salts from around the world" - and it started a salt obsession for him.  A "unique" salt obsession.  Often - I'd buy combination gifts for him and mom.  Games, books, wine... Uncommon Goods has such fun gifts...they have a board game "awkward family photos" - good lord - would the four of us have fun with that game.

Leo was so good at creating "family time."  We would eat together, talk, play games, listen to music, trips, etc.  Most importantly - we ate together.  When (if) I have a family - regardless of when everyone gets home - we will always sit down together. 

Christmas sucks this year.  Yes, my mom still has interest in those things - but she isn't doing them.  She isn't going to play a card game by herself.  She isn't going to get excited about salts.  Her R coffee cup from Anthropologie seems so alone without the accompanying L cup...

My normal is gone and has been replaced with abnormal and chaos.

Neither of my holidays this year are "normal."  Thanksgiving - I was in MI.  Christmas - I'll be in my car returning from a cruise.  Weird and sad.  I'll come home to an empty house.  My dogs will be at daycare - I'll be alone.  

Speaking of the cruise - this will be the first time my mom and I can't communicate freely.  I'm going to hate it...I'll probably get a calling card (need to look into this) and call when I'm at the different ports.  I can't go a week without crying - this is going to be really hard being in a room with a cousin who hates her stepmom.  We aren't close...I might have to go hide somewhere for my daily tears.  Trying to not dread this...

I really miss Leo - with this indescribable pain.

Tracy asked me about getting this gift for her stepmom - who suddenly lost her best friend this year too (the gift would be a symbol of her friend).  I was sitting at my desk crying because it was so thoughtful and kind.  It's so rare to have a friend like her - I'm too lucky.  If you read this Tracy - thank you :).

Speaking of gifts...even though it utterly breaks my heart every time I watch this...I love that I will forever have this.  Thank you Andy Rogers.

Here is the the video


Enjoy the gifts of your loved ones...

-Kathryn-

Oh no,

two posts in one day. 

I am unbelievably sad tonight.  I don't know if it's the stress of the holidays - or the fact that another memorial just happened.  These events, while amazing and heart-warming, it also drop-kicks me back to the week he died. 

I just want to scream - I'm so mad.  I'm also so unbelievably sick of crying.  Who knew these many tears were able to fall...I would think I'd dry up soon.  Tonight - I want to be able to pick up the phone and call him.  But I can't.  I want to hear his voice - thank god mom hasn't changed his voice from their answering machine. 

My assignment from my therapist this week is to recall ways Leo showed affection to me.  Basically, how did I know Leo loved me - and what things I want in someone (assuming I get married).   I don't think I can do it - I've tried to think - I just can't.  Lately, I've been so sad - that it's hard to think of anything beyond my sad thoughts.  God, how depressing - but it's the truth. 

When are things going to get easier?  I miss my mom - I miss being around Leo's friends - it's easier up there...when I cry...they cry with me.   They hug me - I feel supported.  They sincerely ask me how I'm doing - they want to hear the truth - while most people in my life - I don't feel truly want to know how I'm doing.   The one person I'd call is out of the country. 

My mom's birthday is this Thursday - Leo used to ALWAYS make a big deal out of it...even though she HATES - i mean HATES birthdays.   I can't imagine how hard this "first" is going to be for her.  We went out on Friday with Sandy and Andy Rogers and John and Carol Lucas...for her b-day specifically.  It was fun...I think her friend Kim is going to take her out on her actual birthday.  But it's not Leo. 

I am happy to have a "reunion" with the support group this Tuesday.  Every happy actually.  This man named Robin - he is probably my dad's age.  He sent the most wonderful email the day before thanksgiving.  It read:

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving with peace & comfort. We have all had a very trying & tough year; it will be bittersweet, to say the least, spending my first Thanksgiving without Mom. I will be thinking about each of you individually & you will be in my prayers. 

Support group and Tracy (out of the country friend) were the only people from my life that acknowledge this "first" for me.  Thankful for the small amount of support that I do have...

-Kathryn-

I made it

I lived through the first Thanksgiving without Leo.  There are a lot of firsts this year - first christmas, first birthday - first anniversary, etc. 

Thanksgiving was so different.  I was up at mom's for the week and we went to John and Carol's house for turkey day.  It was a sad reality - that my "normal" has become so disrupted.   Usually, I wouldn't travel to MI - I would have stayed down south and go to my granny's for the day.  Mom and Leo would have gone to Grand Rapids and have a gourmet meal that Leo prepared.  We would talk - wish each other happy turkey day - then go on with the norm.  How I wish things were normal...

I'm trying to decide if I want to decorate for Christmas.  I don't think I want to - I don't want to deal with it.  I'm too sad to try to be cheerful and in that "christmas mood."  If Christmas music makes me break down in tears - I can't imagine what a house of holiday cheer would do. 

I've been thinking a lot about my life.  I can't seem to live in the present - I've been in the past a lot.  Asking myself question after question - why didn't I go to grad school?  Why didn't I visit mom and Leo more?  I feel like I have majorly settled in Nashville - and it's an awful feeling.  I am settling in my job - BIG TIME.  I feel very unsatisfied in my life.  However, I own a house and have dogs - I'm not in a spot where I could just leave. 

I also realized how stress-free I felt in Bay City.  The only stress I had to think about was Leo and worrying about my house being broken in to (but it didn't!  good job east nashville!) On my drive yesterday - it dawned on me that I have loads of stresses in Nashville: job, coworkers, friends, my house, worrying about my mom, Leo...  I want and need space from my life here in Nashville.  I can't seem to find it - I'm 200 miles from home and I get a text message that said "wanna talk - or are you enjoying the peace and quiet?"  Major sigh....

I want and need to find interesting people here.  I feel so different when I'm around people who are interested in the world - and want to live outside the "white person box."  I just need to find them...  The people that I get to hang out with in Bay City are simply fabulous.  The flute player in the Bijou - Dennis - one of the most fantastic people I've met.  He shared a lot of his story with me last weekend and I was simply amazed.  He is so happy and positive - to know where and how he grew up and his current circumstances - it's amazing.  Where are those people in Nashville?

Since a lot of the people in Leo's life are musicians - they are putting me in touch with people in Nashville.  Amazing.  Today - I got a friend request from someone Andy Rogers knows.   If anything - I might discover some new good music :). 

-Kathryn-