I made it

I lived through the first Thanksgiving without Leo.  There are a lot of firsts this year - first christmas, first birthday - first anniversary, etc. 

Thanksgiving was so different.  I was up at mom's for the week and we went to John and Carol's house for turkey day.  It was a sad reality - that my "normal" has become so disrupted.   Usually, I wouldn't travel to MI - I would have stayed down south and go to my granny's for the day.  Mom and Leo would have gone to Grand Rapids and have a gourmet meal that Leo prepared.  We would talk - wish each other happy turkey day - then go on with the norm.  How I wish things were normal...

I'm trying to decide if I want to decorate for Christmas.  I don't think I want to - I don't want to deal with it.  I'm too sad to try to be cheerful and in that "christmas mood."  If Christmas music makes me break down in tears - I can't imagine what a house of holiday cheer would do. 

I've been thinking a lot about my life.  I can't seem to live in the present - I've been in the past a lot.  Asking myself question after question - why didn't I go to grad school?  Why didn't I visit mom and Leo more?  I feel like I have majorly settled in Nashville - and it's an awful feeling.  I am settling in my job - BIG TIME.  I feel very unsatisfied in my life.  However, I own a house and have dogs - I'm not in a spot where I could just leave. 

I also realized how stress-free I felt in Bay City.  The only stress I had to think about was Leo and worrying about my house being broken in to (but it didn't!  good job east nashville!) On my drive yesterday - it dawned on me that I have loads of stresses in Nashville: job, coworkers, friends, my house, worrying about my mom, Leo...  I want and need space from my life here in Nashville.  I can't seem to find it - I'm 200 miles from home and I get a text message that said "wanna talk - or are you enjoying the peace and quiet?"  Major sigh....

I want and need to find interesting people here.  I feel so different when I'm around people who are interested in the world - and want to live outside the "white person box."  I just need to find them...  The people that I get to hang out with in Bay City are simply fabulous.  The flute player in the Bijou - Dennis - one of the most fantastic people I've met.  He shared a lot of his story with me last weekend and I was simply amazed.  He is so happy and positive - to know where and how he grew up and his current circumstances - it's amazing.  Where are those people in Nashville?

Since a lot of the people in Leo's life are musicians - they are putting me in touch with people in Nashville.  Amazing.  Today - I got a friend request from someone Andy Rogers knows.   If anything - I might discover some new good music :). 

-Kathryn-