Oh no,

two posts in one day. 

I am unbelievably sad tonight.  I don't know if it's the stress of the holidays - or the fact that another memorial just happened.  These events, while amazing and heart-warming, it also drop-kicks me back to the week he died. 

I just want to scream - I'm so mad.  I'm also so unbelievably sick of crying.  Who knew these many tears were able to fall...I would think I'd dry up soon.  Tonight - I want to be able to pick up the phone and call him.  But I can't.  I want to hear his voice - thank god mom hasn't changed his voice from their answering machine. 

My assignment from my therapist this week is to recall ways Leo showed affection to me.  Basically, how did I know Leo loved me - and what things I want in someone (assuming I get married).   I don't think I can do it - I've tried to think - I just can't.  Lately, I've been so sad - that it's hard to think of anything beyond my sad thoughts.  God, how depressing - but it's the truth. 

When are things going to get easier?  I miss my mom - I miss being around Leo's friends - it's easier up there...when I cry...they cry with me.   They hug me - I feel supported.  They sincerely ask me how I'm doing - they want to hear the truth - while most people in my life - I don't feel truly want to know how I'm doing.   The one person I'd call is out of the country. 

My mom's birthday is this Thursday - Leo used to ALWAYS make a big deal out of it...even though she HATES - i mean HATES birthdays.   I can't imagine how hard this "first" is going to be for her.  We went out on Friday with Sandy and Andy Rogers and John and Carol Lucas...for her b-day specifically.  It was fun...I think her friend Kim is going to take her out on her actual birthday.  But it's not Leo. 

I am happy to have a "reunion" with the support group this Tuesday.  Every happy actually.  This man named Robin - he is probably my dad's age.  He sent the most wonderful email the day before thanksgiving.  It read:

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving with peace & comfort. We have all had a very trying & tough year; it will be bittersweet, to say the least, spending my first Thanksgiving without Mom. I will be thinking about each of you individually & you will be in my prayers. 

Support group and Tracy (out of the country friend) were the only people from my life that acknowledge this "first" for me.  Thankful for the small amount of support that I do have...

-Kathryn-