Support Group

Nothing in me wanted to go to group today.  Nothing. 

I had an awful day at work.  My life outside of dealing with the loss of a parent is really stressful...when I added Leo dying to the mix...I literally feel out of control.  The combination of my day - with dreading group - made me want to stay home and order Thai. 

However, I went.  I'm glad I did.  It felt real tonight.  I cried the moment my mouth open and I shared how awful my day was.  How all of my friends in Nashville are more consumed with talking about having babies or not being able to get pregnant or that her picture on facebook looks awful or how their marriage issues are comparable to my issues...and won't listen to me.  But when they talk to me...all I want to do is scream " I DON'T CARE!!!  I really don't care."  I don't want to talk about that....attending "celebrations" aka "showers" is not something I want to do either.  When I shared this...a girl my age said that she was in the same boat.  It was like someone lifted a ton of bricks off my back.  There is someone out there that thinks like me right now!  Someone who doesn't try to spin what is going on into the positive.  Who just says "it does suck - and I don't want to do it either."  It's nice to not feel like the world's biggest bitch being honest. 

We got a handout with the group's contact information.  I'm excited to try and keep in touch with a few of the people.  Especially the younger people...I just feel like we are moments away from becoming dear friends.  Most of the time - it takes one person putting themselves out there - and I'm going to try.  i need friends who understand me.  period.

Tonight - we talked about holidays.  They made suggestions for christmas to light a candle in their honor - or make a place setting for them.  the thought of doing such thing breaks my heart.   I hate he isn't here...

I had a friend suddenly lose her dad this week.  It stirred up a lot of emotions within me...to think that we now have this in common sucks.  I sent her an email yesterday - on the 5 month marking of leo dying - and it almost made me sick to my stomach.  My heart aches for her...

I've been loaded with disappointment this week.  I'm ready for things to settle down.  I'm ready to not experience the range of joy, sadness, anger, confusion, stress, crazy - all in one day. 

Tonight - I'm just wanting a hug from Leo.  Miss that man.  

-Kathryn-