Saturday, October 22, 2011

a time out

"...a pure relief.  The world will give you that once in a while, a brief timeout; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody dabs mercy on your beat-up life."  - Sue Monk Kidd in The Secret Life of Bees.

I need a time out.  Badly.  I have never felt this sad in my entire life - and it's so frustrating.  I thought I was suppose to be making progress.  I feel worse than I ever have since Leo died.

I try to think/stay positive - and I simply cannot. 

I miss my mom pre-Leo dying.  God, I miss my mom.  I feel like I've lost her...I miss talking to my sister.  I wish my best friend from high school would call me - I wish someone else would care besides Tracy.  I wish Jim could give me what I want...I wish I didn't have to end that friendship.  It was a beautiful and needed distraction from my reality.  I wish I had unlimited funds so I could distract myself by shopping. 

I just wish a lot of things were different.

I wish I could go a day without crying.  I've been crying all day today.  I hate it.  My eyes are already exhausted and it's only 2:15. 

Surely, my time-out will come soon...

Kathryn

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