Wishful Thinking.

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions.  It has felt very fluid and uncomfortable.  Let me try to recap:

1. I was pulled way too far into a friends marital issues.  Did not enjoy this event one bit. 
2. Support group really frustrated me this week.
3. I discovered that therapy is covered 100% if I go to someone within my network.  The only.  Let me say this again - ONLY - financial obligation I have is the $15 copay.  Seriously, thank you work for such rich benefits. 
4. I told dad and Carol that I'm going to Mom's for thanksgiving.  I could write a short story about the level of stress I have over holidays. 
5. I'm more worried about my mom than I was months ago.  I wish she lived closer. 
6. Tracy's excitement over being an aunt gave me genuine, deep joy - something that I haven't had in a couple weeks.  

This week has been difficult.  I cried a lot this week, but especially a lot on Tuesday after group.  Few in the group experienced a sudden death.  Some had time to say goodbye.  It makes me so jealous.  I know both are awful and unique in their ways.  Not that I wanted Leo to suffer...I just wish I had a chance to say goodbye.  This past week - we talked about families - and people spent a lot of time talking about "who got what - and we got into a fight over this..."  It was driving me crazy.  There are a few people who are older - and their mom's had at least 3 decades on Leo.  3 - that is thirty years.  I didn't talk about my family - and when the facilitator was saying who still hadn't talked and would be talking next week - I was left off.  It really hurt my feelings.  Has what I've said so far made my story appear less important or worthy to be heard?  I want to tell my story.  Her not remembering that I didn't share - really made me feel invisible in the group.

When I was recapping the event to Tracy the next day over gchat - I stated how I missed the solid hour of KT talking.  It dawned on me...I still need one - on - one time.  I need to talk to someone who can take this event - take my past - and help me.  I feel so lost, confused, sad, lonely and hopeless right now.  I need to see/talk to someone.  Which is what prompted the research into seeing what my insurance will cover.  I was so thankful with my findings. 

Wilco's wishful thinking-I love the lyrics - especially "what would we be without wishful thinking?"

Wishful Thinking:

Fill up your mind with all it can know
Don't forget that your body will let it all go
Fill up your mind with all it can know
What would we be without wishful thinking

Chambers of chains
With red plastic mouths
The inside of outside
No one has found
How to unring the bell
It's just as well

The turntable sizzles
Casting the spells
The pressure devices
Hell in a nutshell
Is any song worth singing
If it doesn't help

Fill up your mind with all it can know
Don't forget that your body will let it all go
Fill up your mind with all it can know
'Cause what would love be without wishful thinking

Open your arms as far as they will go
We take off your dress
An embarrassing poem
Was written when I was alone
In love with you

I shook down those lines
To shine up the streets
I got up off my hands and knees
To thank my lucky stars that you're not me

What would we be without wishful thinking
What would we be without wishful thinking
What would we be without wishful thinking


-Kathryn-