patiently waiting

I woke up devastated today.  My heart has never felt this broken.  I literally feel the pain.  It's the first time I can honestly say my heart is beyond broken.  I thought I was heartbroken over boys...that was nothing.  How annoying that I have this as my gauge.

I'm aching to talk to him today...just aching.  What I wouldn't give to talk to Leo again...

I have a "daily meditations for working through grief" book.  I can't believe I have this book.  I was looking through it the other day - and the meditation for March 28 sums me up perfectly.  It starts with a quote - the author says something - then leaves a one sentence "food for thought" at the end.

"Grief comes in unexpected surges...Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief.  It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, twisting me inside out.  Then recedes, leaving me broken.... I don't want to eat, to walk, to get out of bed.  Reading, working, cooking, listening.  Nothing matters.  I do not want to be distracted by my grief.  I wouldn't mind dying.  I wouldn't mind at all." - Toby Talbot. 

Authors words:

Anything can set us off - a fragment of music, a piece of old clothing we come upon when cleaning out a closet, a slip of paper that falls out of a book, with that familiar handwriting on it.  Just when we thought we were feeling better, gaining some stability, something comes to plunge us right back into that raw, overpowering sense of loss.

Not only are we unable to think of anything else, we don't want to.  There is nothing on the horizon but this.  Our grief occupies our life out to the edges.  If we try to look to the future, our glance is stuck in this mire of grief.  Is it any wonder we think of our own death as not such a bad idea?

The mood comes without warning and it's devastating.  It also passes.  So live in your grief, yes.  But also wait. 

To accept the surges of grief when they come is also to know they will pass. 



I'm not sure what set me off today.  Was it his sweatshirt I was wearing?  Was it the  Bon Iver song that  came on my iTunes?  At that point I recalled my panic attack.  Was it pulling out cans of tomatoes for chili and thinking about Andrew's facebook post yesterday? 

Could it be the stress of the holidays coming up?  Could it be my overwhelming sense of being alone in Nashville? 

I don't think you have to have a reason.  I don't think I'm able to pinpoint the ONE reason I woke up feeling heartbroken.  Sadly, it's my reality.  Don't get me wrong - I feel heartbroken daily - but today was that raw - "oh, shit - I can't do this" feeling. 

I miss him...good lord...I miss him. 

patiently wait...

-Kathryn-