to help people understand

Two weeks ago in support group - our facilitator read a letter from a book.  Within this book, the author suggests to give it to those that are close to you.  Or to those you want to simply explain what the fuck is going on with you.  This letter is a pretty good summary of what someone, who has suffered a loss, is going through.  The letter is below.  I'm going to put the letter as is - and make edits by crossing words out and putting my words (if I were to use this) in blue.

Dear (friend, family, fellow coworker, etc):

Recently I have suffered a devastating loss.  I am grieving and it will take months and even years to recover from this loss.

I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time to time.  I don't  try not to apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith.  They are God's gift to me to express the extent of my loss, and they are also a sign that I am recovering.  They are my way of expressing the deepness of my loss.  Trust me, I never thought I could cry this much. 

At times you may see me angry, irrational, stressed out over little things, etc for no apparent reason.  Sometimes/most of the time I'm not sure why.  All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief.  If I don't always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me.  And if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this as normal.

More than anything I need your understanding and your presence.  You don't always have to know what to say or even say anything if you don't know how to respond.  Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care.  Please do not wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so.

If I tend to withdraw from you, please do not let me do that.  I need you to reach out to me for several months.

Pray for me that I would come to see meaning in my loss someday and that I would know God's comfort and love.   I don't think you can ever find  meaning in a loss.  That line is stupid.  The next line also doesn't bring comfort to me...so I'd leave this paragraph out completely.  It does help to let me know that you are praying for me. 

If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me.  It will help rather than cause me to feel worse.  And don't stop sharing if I begin to cry.  It's all right, and any tears you express as we talk are all right too.

This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me.  But I will survive and eventually recover.  I cling to the that knowledge, even though there have been times when I didn't feel it.  I know that I will not always feel as I do now.  Laughter and joy will emerge once again someday.

Thank you for caring about me.  Thank you for listening and praying.  Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful. 

Bob Deits, Life After Loss - pp. 150-151. 


I like this letter.  I think it's a great summary and explanation of one's general life when grieving.  I don't have anyone to give it to - the very few people that I trust to talk to - handle it perfectly.

Last night was great.  I stayed after and talked to the other girl who lost a parent suddenly.  We talked about how we are tired of doing things by ourselves, etc.  Maybe a new friend will come from this...it's my hope.

We, as the collective group, also talked about taking the word "should/shouldn't" out of our vocabulary.  How we need to be kind to ourselves - and not have these unrealistic expectations.  IE - I shouldn't still be crying.  I should be able to listen to my friends problems, etc.  It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.

Wisty was saying how we (as humans) try to be kind to other people - and if we don't extend that kindness to ourselves - no one else will.  We have to let ourselves be.

I can't express how great it is to be in a room with other people who know exactly how I feel.  Who have the same crazy emotional days, who cry a lot, who have a new hole in their heart...I'm not alone.

-Kathryn-