a matter of minutes

things can change drastically...today I was doing well.  Laughed - didn't cry.

went to work...cleaned up a little.   ran an errand - even fixed my plumbing issue - made my fence even more ghetto - played with the dogs.  Looking at the list of accomplishments - that's impressive for me right now.   

Then...then...

There was another article published about Leo - I'm wearing his sweatshirt - I see his xmas gifts in the dining room.  I can't take it.  I feel like I'm about to throw up.  My heart hurts so much...that I honestly can't see it getting better.  How can it?

Here is the article:

http://www.mlive.com/entertainment/bay-city/index.ssf/2011/11/the_bijou_orchestra_performs_i.html

Is there really going to be a slide show of picture during the concert?

How the hell am I going to get through it?  I don't think I can...

Why did he have to die?  Why now?

*written 45 minutes later...*
I had a full on panic attack...sitting down and writing (see above) usually helps.  It didn't tonight - this attack-  It was nothing like I'd experienced before.  My heart was racing - like I had just ran a few miles - I couldn't catch my breath - my eyes are bright red from the tears - like I was swimming in the ocean with my eyes wide open.  How can I have this many tears?

when is this going to get easier?

My mom said this to me tonight: "We have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other...All we can do is move forward and learn how to miss him without falling apart." 

Thankfully - I have a drink date with Andrea - a fellow grief-grouper - this Thursday.  That's the only thing I have to look forward to this week.  That and I'm getting my haircut on Saturday (it's been way too long!).

I'm feeling a little more settled...my heart rate is still pretty elevated and the tears are still falling...but I'm going to be alright.

-Kathryn-