Thanksgiving

This is the time to recall what you are thankful for, but what do you list when you can barely think of good things in your life?  I can provide a huge list of what I'm not thankful for...

I am, however, thankful for the family - even though Leo is not here.  I'm thankful for the memories and that I can still hear his laugh.  I'm thankful that mom and I made  chicken and dumplings last night - that were actually pretty close to granny's.  I'm thankful for music - certain styles will always remind me of Leo.  I'm thankful that seeing a certain pair of Leo's shoes recall tons of memories from trips and outings on lakes.  I'm thankful to be with my mom...

Mom and I aren't going to Grand Rapids.  Which means I won't be visiting the Leo's grave.  I'm okay with this...eventually...I want to go visit.  Not now...I'm not ready. 

Mom's house is losing some of Leo's presence each time I am here.  For example - the kitchen feels less like "Leo's kitchen."  It doesn't have the smell of fresh coffee, garlic and onions.  There aren't pots all over the place from that last fabulous meal he made.  His pepper grinder is in my kitchen.  The house is so quiet.  He was such a huge presence in life.  I don't understand how my mom is surviving being in their house. 

I have been thinking about the community's reaction to his death.  How a community in MI is still mourning for their beloved conductor.  The house at the 8pm show on Saturday was packed.  I saw people and friends crying as the Bijou played their last song...  If people who didn't know him well are still missing him - I'm doing okay.  I need to give myself a break and realize that yes - it's been 6 months - but i still feel like it was yesterday.  I'm doing just fine.  I get up - go to work - take care of my dogs - I'm doing fine.  It's been a good realization...and I don't think people understand until you have an experienced a loss. 

I have never dreaded the holidays like this year...I want them to pass...quickly.

-Kathryn-