important events

I called my mom after my last support group last night - and I told her how depressed I've been feeling.  How this last week or two of deep sadness is just a glimpse into how she feels.  It has given me a new perspective.  A new kind of grace towards my mom.  It has also made me realize she is one strong lady.  She is so strong...

At support group we talked last night that we are aware that this pain will ease...that life will get easier...but it's really hard to see that actually happening.  It's really hard to even hold on to that hope - but I do know it happens.  I have people around me who have experienced a significat loss and the pain does ease.  Life does get back to normal. 

When does that happen? 

Mom and I were talking about doing something special in May.  Doing something that Leo would have loved.  I want to go to NYC and go to a taping of Jon Stewart.  Leo, mom and I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Jon Stewart.  I can still hear Leo's loud - contagious laugh while we watch the show. 

I told mom how I heard a song I wanted played at my wedding in Trader Joes on Sunday.  It's a song by badly drawn boy - and I've loved the song since early 2000's.  It was always "yeah, Leo will play this at my wedding - or arrange the music for other people to play, etc."  When I heard the song in Trader Joes - it was all I could do to get out of the store before I had a full blown panic attack.  The continuous thoughts of "he won't be there for these events..." KILL me and sadly are happening frequently.  

Holidays will be weird - mom and I were saying there is just a significant day after day: Thanksgiving, mom birthday, christmas, Leo's birthday... a constant reminder of who isn't around. 

really missing Leo...

-Kathryn-