the anticipation of May 17th

It's horrible.   I shift through an enraged - to a deeply sadden - to happy - to even keel 30 year old (oh my god - that's the first time I called myself that...sigh...) within any given hour. 

I think it's the reflection of this past year that is hurting my heart the most.  May 17th won't really different than today or a month ago.  Yes, it's the year marker of Leo dying, but I won't miss him more or less on 5/17/12.  I think the hardest thing I'm dealing with is my remembrance and reflection of this past year.

It was hard.  Very hard.  If I can count the struggles I had the few months before Leo died - I could really count the hardship spanning over a year and a half or even more...

I've learned a lot.  I've learned some hard and good lessons.  I learned who my true friends are - who I can trust with my tears.  I had one friend stand by me through it all.  Through my "life sucks" moments, my endless amount of tears and horrible outlook on life...Thank you Tracy :).  However, with this relationship discovery, it left me feeling so alone.  Within that loneliness, I've learned a lot about myself.  With this has come some sort of awkward strength and perspective on life.  I  survived this past year - right now -I am pretty certain I can survive anything.  I was in a dark place - and while I had some awareness when I was there - it is only now I can see how depressed I truly was.  I hate to admit it, but thoughts of dying were not uncommon. 

However, now, I'm okay.  I might not be fully back to Kathryn pre-Leo dying, but I honestly don't think I ever will be.  This event rocked my core.  I'm still trying to figure out myself after this life-altering event, but I know Leo would hate that I am not out living life.  If anything, this time of reflection has led me to a place of "I want/need things to be different."  Meaning, I want to enjoy life.  I want to find new friends in Nashville who are similar.  I want to be healthy mentally and physically.  I want to read more.  I want to continue learning.  Get back to being obsessed with politics :). 

Sure, I can and will always miss Leo.  Tears won't be absent either, but in the midst of those tears, I can still be living life.  Living is something that I have really missed during the last 1.5 years...

4 days and counting,

Kathryn