I woke up thinking "i'm thirty and have not accomplished anything that I thought I would have by now..." However, I quickly changed my thoughts and focused on what I have done "I own a house and keep up with it; I have two dogs that are healthy and happy pups; I have maintained a job; I've lived through the death of a parent; I'm becoming more comfortable with myself...."
If there is anything I have learned - it's all about perspective. If I constantly focus on the bad - I will live in the state of negativity. Once there - it's really hard to come out.
I usually take my birthday off from work, but decided against it this year. Mostly because of my lesson learned from paid time off last year. I wasn't dreading it - my coworkers are fantastic. I adore the girls at work. I walked in and they had decorated my desk, made cupcakes, brought in snacks, we went out to lunch and sat in the sun, we laughed, Sara brought her new baby Charlie and I got to cuddle him while he slept in my arms, more laughter - it was great!
Tracy sent me the most beautiful flowers...it's funny to think that a girl friend is setting the bar SUPER high when it comes to delivered flowers. My poor future...he might have some words with her later down the road :). love her.
It was a great day. Honestly. Turning 30 isn't going to be the end of the world!
I got home - did my nightly stuff - to suddenly realized I hadn't heard from this one person. Suddenly my day had turned to shit. What will I remember? That I cried while pouring a bowl of cereal for dinner - only to realize the milk is spoiled - so I ended up baking a piece of chicken. fantastic. I'll remember the feeling, yet again, of not being important enough to receive a phone call. The feeling of "what else can I do to make you care..."
I'm just disappointed. I'm going to go to bed disappointed and hurt - where I should be going to bed happy.
I feel silly getting so upset...but on a birthday...it's one of the only times I expect the effort from someone else. I should not have to call to solicit a "happy birthday"...
More importantly, I wanted one day - just one day - where I didn't cry, think about Leo, be sad about Leo, be disappointed with my life, etc...and now I'm having a huge horrible tidal wave of emotions. And am just sitting in a pool of negativity. It was also the first b-day in 16 years that he wasn't here to wish me a happy birthday.
Thank god the day is almost over...this is why I wanted to skip today.
However, tomorrow when I wake up, I'll be able to start with a new perspective (hopefully).
-Kathryn-
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