Well, I did it...

I survived the first anniversary.

I took today off from work, which I think was a very good decision.  My day started with Miki taking me to my car.  I was happy to start my morning with spending a little time with her.  She is by far one of my most favorite people.

When I got home - I had posted a picture of the 4 of us (mom, leo, JAT and myself) on facebook and lost it - I was sobbing.  I kept replaying the day I found out.  I'll never forget that day....

Mom was posting audio clips from his memorial service - and I listened to mine again.  There is nothing I would change - and I would still say the same words if I had to talk tomorrow.  It was at the end of my talk - that I realized I had a decision to make about today.  Stay inside - cry and be depressed all day or go out for a long walk with the dogs - get lunch out - sit at a park, read, get sun, run errands.  Thankfully, I picked the latter - being out helped tremendously.  I have a new love and it's walking.  It helps clear my head unlike anything else.

When I got home from my day, mom had posted "I'll see you in my dreams," the version by 3 of the members of the orchestra.  This song was played at the end of every event/memorial service/etc.  Nothing makes me think of Leo more...and I'm so glad I have the audio file...but it just hurts listening to it. 

I really can't believe its been a year.  Part of me feels like this is a huge hurdle to jump over - and after this - I've already experienced the "first without Leo..." so life should start to be normal and easier.  I SHOULD be able to talk about him without crying, i SHOULD be missing him less...

The reality is - I am still grieving.  Those things I mentioned above are easier - but the pain and hurt have just become apart of me and are bearable at this point.  I don't think it will ever go away.  It's unbelievable that it has been a year.  I never imagine I would miss someone so deeply...  

Andy Rogers wrote "It's been a very quiet year without Leo." under a picture of Leo.

That is perfect.

I'll see you in my dreams, Leo xox,
Kathryn