I'm not sure if writing on my blog will be therapeutic for me this time around. It was an amazing outlet for me to recall memories and share them of Leo. Do I want to do that with my mom? Losing her at 31 is unbelievably disappointing, sad, unfair, maddening, fucked up, and on and on. How is it that 2.5 years later - I lose another parent? I'm typically not one to hate life - but I'm really hating mine right now. I don't like being awake - because all I think about is my mom. I feel lazy and bad about myself with sleeping so much. Apparently, there is no winning right now.
This article - I have read it over and over. She gets it.
I have already been told "Kathryn, I hate to think of you changing - of losing yourself..." Which just pisses me off. How can I not change? How can losing my mom not change me? Especially - losing her the way I did...
The article ends with "Living with grief, I came to think, is like being a tree confronted with an obstacle. You have to grow around it; your path is shaped by it." I know this new path I am taking is going to suck. Right now - I don't feel like I will ever be okay - or learn how to grow around this tree. However, this being loss #2 - I know I will be okay.
I found a sailing video with my mom. She is panning around the boat - Andrew is steering - Carol is guiding him - I'm sitting across from her drinking wine (typical..) We keel towards my mom - so I have to grab something to prevent myself from falling. The only thing you can hear over the wind is my mom saying "Hang on, TT!" If she could say something to me now - I know it would be "hang on, TT!" (I have Sandy Rogers to thank for this thought...) For her - I am going to try to hang on.
I love you Mutti...
