Christmas

It was my first Christmas without Leo.

This Christmas was really different anyway, since I spent the week before on a cruise.  I didn't do presents - I was driving home on Christmas day.  The only thing that felt normal was watching Sound of Music with my sister.

The cruise was nice...just not my choice of a vacation.  I have pretty strong opinions about "cruising" and what this industry does to the countries, environment, etc...but I'll save that rant for another time.  I was with 21 members of my extended family and have never felt so alone.  It's a funny thing really.  To be surrounded by so many people, but also feel so isolated because your thoughts are not on the same wave length.

It was the first time since Leo died that Mom and I didn't have the ability to talk.  Before we left the port - I had a few mild panic attacks - I couldn't stop crying.  The family members thought I was crazy and thus began my week of feeling like I couldn't talk or express my true feelings.  It's okay though, I have learned through this process that some people will never be able to go there with me emotionally.  I can't hold it against them, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't disappointing.

However, I did get a lot of sun - which feels nice.  I don't radiate in the dead of night, because my skin is so white.  I got lots of coffee and booze.  Really those are the only two items I need to feel comfortable at my house :).

I was also reminded how lucky USA is.  We complain about not going on vacations and not being able to buy the latest Ipad, but most people in other countries don't even have running water.  They are lucky if they have shoes - regardless if they don't fit.  It was a nice reality check that laid a heavy weight of guilt  It's really easy for forget about the rest of the world and stay so focused on your tiny world.

I really have been missing Leo a lot lately.  I miss his laugh, his voice.  I called my mom's house on Christmas, fully knowing she wasn't there, just so I could hear his voice on the answering machine.  I dread the day she changes the greeting.

I can say that I'm very excited that this year is over.  Surely, 2012 can only be an improvement.

I love this picture of Leo...

Not my words - but they are

For the last few months - my dependency on quotes has surprised me.  I love reading them and finding comfort and support.  A few have made me give myself a break, while others have made me weep.  I don't feel so alone - because look at the quote - there has been a person who knows what I'm feeling. 

• "There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are the messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." --Washington Irving

• "Mourning is love with no place to go"

• "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o'er-wrought heart and bids it break." --William Shakespeare  

• "Mourning is one of the most profound human experiences that it is possible to have...The deep capacity to weep for the loss of a loved one and to continue to treasure the memory of that loss is one of our noblest human traits."  --Shneidman

• "Everyone can master a grief but he that has it."  --William Shakespeare

• "To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness."  --Erich Fromm

•  "Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell."  --Emily Dickinson

I can't believe it has almost been 7 months.  I love and miss Leo dearly.

-Kathryn-

Gifts

Leo was one of the most fun people to shop for.  He had so many interest and would love anything you got him.  One year - I got him this set of "salts from around the world" - and it started a salt obsession for him.  A "unique" salt obsession.  Often - I'd buy combination gifts for him and mom.  Games, books, wine... Uncommon Goods has such fun gifts...they have a board game "awkward family photos" - good lord - would the four of us have fun with that game.

Leo was so good at creating "family time."  We would eat together, talk, play games, listen to music, trips, etc.  Most importantly - we ate together.  When (if) I have a family - regardless of when everyone gets home - we will always sit down together. 

Christmas sucks this year.  Yes, my mom still has interest in those things - but she isn't doing them.  She isn't going to play a card game by herself.  She isn't going to get excited about salts.  Her R coffee cup from Anthropologie seems so alone without the accompanying L cup...

My normal is gone and has been replaced with abnormal and chaos.

Neither of my holidays this year are "normal."  Thanksgiving - I was in MI.  Christmas - I'll be in my car returning from a cruise.  Weird and sad.  I'll come home to an empty house.  My dogs will be at daycare - I'll be alone.  

Speaking of the cruise - this will be the first time my mom and I can't communicate freely.  I'm going to hate it...I'll probably get a calling card (need to look into this) and call when I'm at the different ports.  I can't go a week without crying - this is going to be really hard being in a room with a cousin who hates her stepmom.  We aren't close...I might have to go hide somewhere for my daily tears.  Trying to not dread this...

I really miss Leo - with this indescribable pain.

Tracy asked me about getting this gift for her stepmom - who suddenly lost her best friend this year too (the gift would be a symbol of her friend).  I was sitting at my desk crying because it was so thoughtful and kind.  It's so rare to have a friend like her - I'm too lucky.  If you read this Tracy - thank you :).

Speaking of gifts...even though it utterly breaks my heart every time I watch this...I love that I will forever have this.  Thank you Andy Rogers.

Here is the the video


Enjoy the gifts of your loved ones...

-Kathryn-

Oh no,

two posts in one day. 

I am unbelievably sad tonight.  I don't know if it's the stress of the holidays - or the fact that another memorial just happened.  These events, while amazing and heart-warming, it also drop-kicks me back to the week he died. 

I just want to scream - I'm so mad.  I'm also so unbelievably sick of crying.  Who knew these many tears were able to fall...I would think I'd dry up soon.  Tonight - I want to be able to pick up the phone and call him.  But I can't.  I want to hear his voice - thank god mom hasn't changed his voice from their answering machine. 

My assignment from my therapist this week is to recall ways Leo showed affection to me.  Basically, how did I know Leo loved me - and what things I want in someone (assuming I get married).   I don't think I can do it - I've tried to think - I just can't.  Lately, I've been so sad - that it's hard to think of anything beyond my sad thoughts.  God, how depressing - but it's the truth. 

When are things going to get easier?  I miss my mom - I miss being around Leo's friends - it's easier up there...when I cry...they cry with me.   They hug me - I feel supported.  They sincerely ask me how I'm doing - they want to hear the truth - while most people in my life - I don't feel truly want to know how I'm doing.   The one person I'd call is out of the country. 

My mom's birthday is this Thursday - Leo used to ALWAYS make a big deal out of it...even though she HATES - i mean HATES birthdays.   I can't imagine how hard this "first" is going to be for her.  We went out on Friday with Sandy and Andy Rogers and John and Carol Lucas...for her b-day specifically.  It was fun...I think her friend Kim is going to take her out on her actual birthday.  But it's not Leo. 

I am happy to have a "reunion" with the support group this Tuesday.  Every happy actually.  This man named Robin - he is probably my dad's age.  He sent the most wonderful email the day before thanksgiving.  It read:

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving with peace & comfort. We have all had a very trying & tough year; it will be bittersweet, to say the least, spending my first Thanksgiving without Mom. I will be thinking about each of you individually & you will be in my prayers. 

Support group and Tracy (out of the country friend) were the only people from my life that acknowledge this "first" for me.  Thankful for the small amount of support that I do have...

-Kathryn-

I made it

I lived through the first Thanksgiving without Leo.  There are a lot of firsts this year - first christmas, first birthday - first anniversary, etc. 

Thanksgiving was so different.  I was up at mom's for the week and we went to John and Carol's house for turkey day.  It was a sad reality - that my "normal" has become so disrupted.   Usually, I wouldn't travel to MI - I would have stayed down south and go to my granny's for the day.  Mom and Leo would have gone to Grand Rapids and have a gourmet meal that Leo prepared.  We would talk - wish each other happy turkey day - then go on with the norm.  How I wish things were normal...

I'm trying to decide if I want to decorate for Christmas.  I don't think I want to - I don't want to deal with it.  I'm too sad to try to be cheerful and in that "christmas mood."  If Christmas music makes me break down in tears - I can't imagine what a house of holiday cheer would do. 

I've been thinking a lot about my life.  I can't seem to live in the present - I've been in the past a lot.  Asking myself question after question - why didn't I go to grad school?  Why didn't I visit mom and Leo more?  I feel like I have majorly settled in Nashville - and it's an awful feeling.  I am settling in my job - BIG TIME.  I feel very unsatisfied in my life.  However, I own a house and have dogs - I'm not in a spot where I could just leave. 

I also realized how stress-free I felt in Bay City.  The only stress I had to think about was Leo and worrying about my house being broken in to (but it didn't!  good job east nashville!) On my drive yesterday - it dawned on me that I have loads of stresses in Nashville: job, coworkers, friends, my house, worrying about my mom, Leo...  I want and need space from my life here in Nashville.  I can't seem to find it - I'm 200 miles from home and I get a text message that said "wanna talk - or are you enjoying the peace and quiet?"  Major sigh....

I want and need to find interesting people here.  I feel so different when I'm around people who are interested in the world - and want to live outside the "white person box."  I just need to find them...  The people that I get to hang out with in Bay City are simply fabulous.  The flute player in the Bijou - Dennis - one of the most fantastic people I've met.  He shared a lot of his story with me last weekend and I was simply amazed.  He is so happy and positive - to know where and how he grew up and his current circumstances - it's amazing.  Where are those people in Nashville?

Since a lot of the people in Leo's life are musicians - they are putting me in touch with people in Nashville.  Amazing.  Today - I got a friend request from someone Andy Rogers knows.   If anything - I might discover some new good music :). 

-Kathryn-

Thanksgiving

This is the time to recall what you are thankful for, but what do you list when you can barely think of good things in your life?  I can provide a huge list of what I'm not thankful for...

I am, however, thankful for the family - even though Leo is not here.  I'm thankful for the memories and that I can still hear his laugh.  I'm thankful that mom and I made  chicken and dumplings last night - that were actually pretty close to granny's.  I'm thankful for music - certain styles will always remind me of Leo.  I'm thankful that seeing a certain pair of Leo's shoes recall tons of memories from trips and outings on lakes.  I'm thankful to be with my mom...

Mom and I aren't going to Grand Rapids.  Which means I won't be visiting the Leo's grave.  I'm okay with this...eventually...I want to go visit.  Not now...I'm not ready. 

Mom's house is losing some of Leo's presence each time I am here.  For example - the kitchen feels less like "Leo's kitchen."  It doesn't have the smell of fresh coffee, garlic and onions.  There aren't pots all over the place from that last fabulous meal he made.  His pepper grinder is in my kitchen.  The house is so quiet.  He was such a huge presence in life.  I don't understand how my mom is surviving being in their house. 

I have been thinking about the community's reaction to his death.  How a community in MI is still mourning for their beloved conductor.  The house at the 8pm show on Saturday was packed.  I saw people and friends crying as the Bijou played their last song...  If people who didn't know him well are still missing him - I'm doing okay.  I need to give myself a break and realize that yes - it's been 6 months - but i still feel like it was yesterday.  I'm doing just fine.  I get up - go to work - take care of my dogs - I'm doing fine.  It's been a good realization...and I don't think people understand until you have an experienced a loss. 

I have never dreaded the holidays like this year...I want them to pass...quickly.

-Kathryn-

Maestro! A Tribute to Leo Najar

I don't know if I can accurately describe the tribute to Leo yesterday.  Beautiful, gut-wrenching, heart breaking and perfect are the words that are currently coming to me.

The orchestra did a fabulous job.  The 12 minute slide show of Leo was amazing. 

I - however - was barely able to keep the tears from constantly falling.  It was just another reminder that he isn't here.  I still can't believe this reality. 

While I didn't attend many of the shows over the past 8 years - I did recognize many of the songs that were played.  Either by talking to mom and Leo post show - or hearing them while visiting, etc.  Why didn't I attend more shows?  Why didn't I make visiting a higher priority?  How helpful seeing into the future would have been...

It's good being in Bay City.  I'm thankful that work is yet again allowing me to work remotely this week.  Mom and I have talked about going to see Leo's dad on Turkey Day - which also might mean a visit to see Leo.  I don't know if I am ready yet... I think visiting his grave and the concert might be too much for one week.  We will see. 

It's refreshing to be around such fabulous people.  It's a reminder of what I'm lacking in my life.  Mom and Leo's friends have become so dear to my heart.  It gives me a brief moment of happiness and joy to interact with them...even if it's under the current circumstances. 

There has been a lot of memories being shared today.  I know it's a sign of healing - to be able to talk and not fall apart.  Even if the strength is present at random times...it's encouraging.

Happy Turkey Day!
-Kathryn-

6 months

Yesterday, the 17th, marked 6 months. 

I can't even begin to express how much I miss and love Leo. 

Make sure to hug someone you love today. 

-Kathryn-

it has been 3 years

Besides seeing Leo in a casket - this week - I was with him for the last time 3 years ago.  It was the last time I saw him and got to physically touch him alive. 

Before, election week wasn't significant beyond who was voted into office...but now it will just be a painful reminder of my life's biggest regret yet. 

Today - was a little better than last night.  I woke up very teary and got ready crying most of the morning - my eyes were so swollen.  Heidi was throwing up for about a hour in the middle of the night - so my sleep wasn't consistent.  Miki (my newest coworker whom i love) asked if I was alright when I first walked in -  I looked that off. 

I decided to call my dr to make an appointment for medicine and proceeded to cry to the scheduler - so they called in Xanax and I have a follow up appointment after turkey day.  I have been very honest with my friend Greg - and told him about last night's episode...he instantly offered suggestions...i do appreciate the suggestions - but it feels like people want to offer tools to fix my problem.  It frustrates me... however, I have been realizing that assume the worse about those that care about me the most is just another sign of how dark of a place I am in.

I  was talking to Miki today - and confessed how deeply depressed my thoughts have been.  I can't believe I shared them...but part of it was freeing.  I made an appointment with a psychologist named Joy Carroll.   She personally made the appointment and talked me through the entire insurance aspect, etc.  She also had a cancellation for tomorrow at 5...so I'm going tomorrow.  I hope we click and I don't have to shop around. 

I feel fucked up - but I know I'm going to be okay.  I want to be okay...

I love this quote...because it's so true...

“Tears are the silent language of grief.”  I've been speaking plenty...

-Kathryn-

a matter of minutes

things can change drastically...today I was doing well.  Laughed - didn't cry.

went to work...cleaned up a little.   ran an errand - even fixed my plumbing issue - made my fence even more ghetto - played with the dogs.  Looking at the list of accomplishments - that's impressive for me right now.   

Then...then...

There was another article published about Leo - I'm wearing his sweatshirt - I see his xmas gifts in the dining room.  I can't take it.  I feel like I'm about to throw up.  My heart hurts so much...that I honestly can't see it getting better.  How can it?

Here is the article:

http://www.mlive.com/entertainment/bay-city/index.ssf/2011/11/the_bijou_orchestra_performs_i.html

Is there really going to be a slide show of picture during the concert?

How the hell am I going to get through it?  I don't think I can...

Why did he have to die?  Why now?

*written 45 minutes later...*
I had a full on panic attack...sitting down and writing (see above) usually helps.  It didn't tonight - this attack-  It was nothing like I'd experienced before.  My heart was racing - like I had just ran a few miles - I couldn't catch my breath - my eyes are bright red from the tears - like I was swimming in the ocean with my eyes wide open.  How can I have this many tears?

when is this going to get easier?

My mom said this to me tonight: "We have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other...All we can do is move forward and learn how to miss him without falling apart." 

Thankfully - I have a drink date with Andrea - a fellow grief-grouper - this Thursday.  That's the only thing I have to look forward to this week.  That and I'm getting my haircut on Saturday (it's been way too long!).

I'm feeling a little more settled...my heart rate is still pretty elevated and the tears are still falling...but I'm going to be alright.

-Kathryn-
 

important events

I called my mom after my last support group last night - and I told her how depressed I've been feeling.  How this last week or two of deep sadness is just a glimpse into how she feels.  It has given me a new perspective.  A new kind of grace towards my mom.  It has also made me realize she is one strong lady.  She is so strong...

At support group we talked last night that we are aware that this pain will ease...that life will get easier...but it's really hard to see that actually happening.  It's really hard to even hold on to that hope - but I do know it happens.  I have people around me who have experienced a significat loss and the pain does ease.  Life does get back to normal. 

When does that happen? 

Mom and I were talking about doing something special in May.  Doing something that Leo would have loved.  I want to go to NYC and go to a taping of Jon Stewart.  Leo, mom and I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Jon Stewart.  I can still hear Leo's loud - contagious laugh while we watch the show. 

I told mom how I heard a song I wanted played at my wedding in Trader Joes on Sunday.  It's a song by badly drawn boy - and I've loved the song since early 2000's.  It was always "yeah, Leo will play this at my wedding - or arrange the music for other people to play, etc."  When I heard the song in Trader Joes - it was all I could do to get out of the store before I had a full blown panic attack.  The continuous thoughts of "he won't be there for these events..." KILL me and sadly are happening frequently.  

Holidays will be weird - mom and I were saying there is just a significant day after day: Thanksgiving, mom birthday, christmas, Leo's birthday... a constant reminder of who isn't around. 

really missing Leo...

-Kathryn-

patiently waiting

I woke up devastated today.  My heart has never felt this broken.  I literally feel the pain.  It's the first time I can honestly say my heart is beyond broken.  I thought I was heartbroken over boys...that was nothing.  How annoying that I have this as my gauge.

I'm aching to talk to him today...just aching.  What I wouldn't give to talk to Leo again...

I have a "daily meditations for working through grief" book.  I can't believe I have this book.  I was looking through it the other day - and the meditation for March 28 sums me up perfectly.  It starts with a quote - the author says something - then leaves a one sentence "food for thought" at the end.

"Grief comes in unexpected surges...Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief.  It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, twisting me inside out.  Then recedes, leaving me broken.... I don't want to eat, to walk, to get out of bed.  Reading, working, cooking, listening.  Nothing matters.  I do not want to be distracted by my grief.  I wouldn't mind dying.  I wouldn't mind at all." - Toby Talbot. 

Authors words:

Anything can set us off - a fragment of music, a piece of old clothing we come upon when cleaning out a closet, a slip of paper that falls out of a book, with that familiar handwriting on it.  Just when we thought we were feeling better, gaining some stability, something comes to plunge us right back into that raw, overpowering sense of loss.

Not only are we unable to think of anything else, we don't want to.  There is nothing on the horizon but this.  Our grief occupies our life out to the edges.  If we try to look to the future, our glance is stuck in this mire of grief.  Is it any wonder we think of our own death as not such a bad idea?

The mood comes without warning and it's devastating.  It also passes.  So live in your grief, yes.  But also wait. 

To accept the surges of grief when they come is also to know they will pass. 



I'm not sure what set me off today.  Was it his sweatshirt I was wearing?  Was it the  Bon Iver song that  came on my iTunes?  At that point I recalled my panic attack.  Was it pulling out cans of tomatoes for chili and thinking about Andrew's facebook post yesterday? 

Could it be the stress of the holidays coming up?  Could it be my overwhelming sense of being alone in Nashville? 

I don't think you have to have a reason.  I don't think I'm able to pinpoint the ONE reason I woke up feeling heartbroken.  Sadly, it's my reality.  Don't get me wrong - I feel heartbroken daily - but today was that raw - "oh, shit - I can't do this" feeling. 

I miss him...good lord...I miss him. 

patiently wait...

-Kathryn-

to help people understand

Two weeks ago in support group - our facilitator read a letter from a book.  Within this book, the author suggests to give it to those that are close to you.  Or to those you want to simply explain what the fuck is going on with you.  This letter is a pretty good summary of what someone, who has suffered a loss, is going through.  The letter is below.  I'm going to put the letter as is - and make edits by crossing words out and putting my words (if I were to use this) in blue.

Dear (friend, family, fellow coworker, etc):

Recently I have suffered a devastating loss.  I am grieving and it will take months and even years to recover from this loss.

I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time to time.  I don't  try not to apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith.  They are God's gift to me to express the extent of my loss, and they are also a sign that I am recovering.  They are my way of expressing the deepness of my loss.  Trust me, I never thought I could cry this much. 

At times you may see me angry, irrational, stressed out over little things, etc for no apparent reason.  Sometimes/most of the time I'm not sure why.  All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief.  If I don't always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me.  And if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this as normal.

More than anything I need your understanding and your presence.  You don't always have to know what to say or even say anything if you don't know how to respond.  Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care.  Please do not wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so.

If I tend to withdraw from you, please do not let me do that.  I need you to reach out to me for several months.

Pray for me that I would come to see meaning in my loss someday and that I would know God's comfort and love.   I don't think you can ever find  meaning in a loss.  That line is stupid.  The next line also doesn't bring comfort to me...so I'd leave this paragraph out completely.  It does help to let me know that you are praying for me. 

If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me.  It will help rather than cause me to feel worse.  And don't stop sharing if I begin to cry.  It's all right, and any tears you express as we talk are all right too.

This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me.  But I will survive and eventually recover.  I cling to the that knowledge, even though there have been times when I didn't feel it.  I know that I will not always feel as I do now.  Laughter and joy will emerge once again someday.

Thank you for caring about me.  Thank you for listening and praying.  Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful. 

Bob Deits, Life After Loss - pp. 150-151. 


I like this letter.  I think it's a great summary and explanation of one's general life when grieving.  I don't have anyone to give it to - the very few people that I trust to talk to - handle it perfectly.

Last night was great.  I stayed after and talked to the other girl who lost a parent suddenly.  We talked about how we are tired of doing things by ourselves, etc.  Maybe a new friend will come from this...it's my hope.

We, as the collective group, also talked about taking the word "should/shouldn't" out of our vocabulary.  How we need to be kind to ourselves - and not have these unrealistic expectations.  IE - I shouldn't still be crying.  I should be able to listen to my friends problems, etc.  It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.

Wisty was saying how we (as humans) try to be kind to other people - and if we don't extend that kindness to ourselves - no one else will.  We have to let ourselves be.

I can't express how great it is to be in a room with other people who know exactly how I feel.  Who have the same crazy emotional days, who cry a lot, who have a new hole in their heart...I'm not alone.

-Kathryn-

a time out

"...a pure relief.  The world will give you that once in a while, a brief timeout; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody dabs mercy on your beat-up life."  - Sue Monk Kidd in The Secret Life of Bees.

I need a time out.  Badly.  I have never felt this sad in my entire life - and it's so frustrating.  I thought I was suppose to be making progress.  I feel worse than I ever have since Leo died.

I try to think/stay positive - and I simply cannot. 

I miss my mom pre-Leo dying.  God, I miss my mom.  I feel like I've lost her...I miss talking to my sister.  I wish my best friend from high school would call me - I wish someone else would care besides Tracy.  I wish Jim could give me what I want...I wish I didn't have to end that friendship.  It was a beautiful and needed distraction from my reality.  I wish I had unlimited funds so I could distract myself by shopping. 

I just wish a lot of things were different.

I wish I could go a day without crying.  I've been crying all day today.  I hate it.  My eyes are already exhausted and it's only 2:15. 

Surely, my time-out will come soon...

Kathryn

Support Group

Nothing in me wanted to go to group today.  Nothing. 

I had an awful day at work.  My life outside of dealing with the loss of a parent is really stressful...when I added Leo dying to the mix...I literally feel out of control.  The combination of my day - with dreading group - made me want to stay home and order Thai. 

However, I went.  I'm glad I did.  It felt real tonight.  I cried the moment my mouth open and I shared how awful my day was.  How all of my friends in Nashville are more consumed with talking about having babies or not being able to get pregnant or that her picture on facebook looks awful or how their marriage issues are comparable to my issues...and won't listen to me.  But when they talk to me...all I want to do is scream " I DON'T CARE!!!  I really don't care."  I don't want to talk about that....attending "celebrations" aka "showers" is not something I want to do either.  When I shared this...a girl my age said that she was in the same boat.  It was like someone lifted a ton of bricks off my back.  There is someone out there that thinks like me right now!  Someone who doesn't try to spin what is going on into the positive.  Who just says "it does suck - and I don't want to do it either."  It's nice to not feel like the world's biggest bitch being honest. 

We got a handout with the group's contact information.  I'm excited to try and keep in touch with a few of the people.  Especially the younger people...I just feel like we are moments away from becoming dear friends.  Most of the time - it takes one person putting themselves out there - and I'm going to try.  i need friends who understand me.  period.

Tonight - we talked about holidays.  They made suggestions for christmas to light a candle in their honor - or make a place setting for them.  the thought of doing such thing breaks my heart.   I hate he isn't here...

I had a friend suddenly lose her dad this week.  It stirred up a lot of emotions within me...to think that we now have this in common sucks.  I sent her an email yesterday - on the 5 month marking of leo dying - and it almost made me sick to my stomach.  My heart aches for her...

I've been loaded with disappointment this week.  I'm ready for things to settle down.  I'm ready to not experience the range of joy, sadness, anger, confusion, stress, crazy - all in one day. 

Tonight - I'm just wanting a hug from Leo.  Miss that man.  

-Kathryn-

Wishful Thinking.

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions.  It has felt very fluid and uncomfortable.  Let me try to recap:

1. I was pulled way too far into a friends marital issues.  Did not enjoy this event one bit. 
2. Support group really frustrated me this week.
3. I discovered that therapy is covered 100% if I go to someone within my network.  The only.  Let me say this again - ONLY - financial obligation I have is the $15 copay.  Seriously, thank you work for such rich benefits. 
4. I told dad and Carol that I'm going to Mom's for thanksgiving.  I could write a short story about the level of stress I have over holidays. 
5. I'm more worried about my mom than I was months ago.  I wish she lived closer. 
6. Tracy's excitement over being an aunt gave me genuine, deep joy - something that I haven't had in a couple weeks.  

This week has been difficult.  I cried a lot this week, but especially a lot on Tuesday after group.  Few in the group experienced a sudden death.  Some had time to say goodbye.  It makes me so jealous.  I know both are awful and unique in their ways.  Not that I wanted Leo to suffer...I just wish I had a chance to say goodbye.  This past week - we talked about families - and people spent a lot of time talking about "who got what - and we got into a fight over this..."  It was driving me crazy.  There are a few people who are older - and their mom's had at least 3 decades on Leo.  3 - that is thirty years.  I didn't talk about my family - and when the facilitator was saying who still hadn't talked and would be talking next week - I was left off.  It really hurt my feelings.  Has what I've said so far made my story appear less important or worthy to be heard?  I want to tell my story.  Her not remembering that I didn't share - really made me feel invisible in the group.

When I was recapping the event to Tracy the next day over gchat - I stated how I missed the solid hour of KT talking.  It dawned on me...I still need one - on - one time.  I need to talk to someone who can take this event - take my past - and help me.  I feel so lost, confused, sad, lonely and hopeless right now.  I need to see/talk to someone.  Which is what prompted the research into seeing what my insurance will cover.  I was so thankful with my findings. 

Wilco's wishful thinking-I love the lyrics - especially "what would we be without wishful thinking?"

Wishful Thinking:

Fill up your mind with all it can know
Don't forget that your body will let it all go
Fill up your mind with all it can know
What would we be without wishful thinking

Chambers of chains
With red plastic mouths
The inside of outside
No one has found
How to unring the bell
It's just as well

The turntable sizzles
Casting the spells
The pressure devices
Hell in a nutshell
Is any song worth singing
If it doesn't help

Fill up your mind with all it can know
Don't forget that your body will let it all go
Fill up your mind with all it can know
'Cause what would love be without wishful thinking

Open your arms as far as they will go
We take off your dress
An embarrassing poem
Was written when I was alone
In love with you

I shook down those lines
To shine up the streets
I got up off my hands and knees
To thank my lucky stars that you're not me

What would we be without wishful thinking
What would we be without wishful thinking
What would we be without wishful thinking


-Kathryn-

Steve Jobs...but he was so young.

Steve Jobs died today.  Leo was probably one of the first in line to greet the man.  I can only imagine Leo showing him around - showing Jobs how helpful he was to his own career.  Talking about the latest gadget.

Probably talking about the loved ones left behind.  From the little bit of media I've been able to take in - it appears that Jobs was known for loving his family.

I wasn't able to watch a lot of the coverage - as I'm sitting here crying.  I think, in a way, Leo and Steve Jobs are really similar.  Obviously, on a different scale and career path.  But, still, very similar.

Both died at such a young age.

Both still, viewed by the public/friends/family, had way too much to still contribute to society.

Both were creative, innovative, made a difference.

Both were mentors.

Both pushed buttons and dreamed big - making the dreams come true.  How inspiring. 

More importantly, both left family members behind who don't care about what they created or dreamed up - both families miss the person - not the product (or music).  My heart hurts for the Jobs family.  I read he had 4 kids.  Since Steve and Leo were close in age - I'm assuming his kids are around my age.  My heart hurts for them...for me...for anyone who loses a parent.   

I'll end this post with a quote from Steve Jobs himself:

"Because the people who are crazy enough to change the world are the ones who do so." 

-Kathryn-

my words for Leo

Below is what I shared at Leo's service:

I know this might come as a surprise to most of you, but I actually avoided visiting and speaking to Leo on concert weekends.  I remember the first time I met “Concert Leo” I was very surprised with what I discovered.   I was pretty young at the time when mom finally allowed me to meet “concert Leo” and I saw a man who was a tad scattered, very intense, rushed, and maybe a little crazy.

However, today, I can say that now I know that “concert Leo” was just a result of his passion, his drive for perfection, and yes, I would still say a little craziness. 

While, I’m almost certain that some if not many of you know what I’m talking about when I call him “concert Leo”, I want to take the time to introduce you to the Leo that I grew to know, adore and love.   The Leo that I know is a man who opened my eyes and life to an entire world.  Not necessarily to the world of music, but to the world of love, life, art, good food and wine, pepper grinders, coffee, cats, passion and the ultimate gift of living life to the fullest. 

Instead of trying to explain, I am going to read parts of a letter I recently wrote to Leo that will hopefully paint the picture of my  Leo. 

Dear Leo,

You were a tremendous influence in my life, Thank you.   It’s so hard and painful to think of a future without you physically here, but I know that you are always in my heart.   I firmly believe that who I am today is a direct result of you. 

I learned a sense of adventure from you.  Remember all those crazy trips you took Andrew and I on?  You drove us up Highway 41, took us to Niagara Falls, I think I’ve been to every Great Lake with you, St. Simons, Las Vegas, California.  You even took me to Paris for my 18^th birthday.  Leo, I know that the fact that I only ordered chicken and potatoes drove you crazy every meal…I promise that next time I’m in Paris – I won’t even order chicken and potatoes. 

I learned to love good food and wine from you.  You were such an amazing cook.  I loved nothing more than sitting in the kitchen with you and watch you prepare a meal.  A simple meal of pesto and pasta tasted as if I went to the best restaurant in town. I love telling the story of when the four of us would sit down together for dinner  – you and I made sure we always sat by each other since mom and Andrew didn’t like pepper.  I love how you would plop the pepper grinder between us like we won a trophy.   That pepper grinder is now in my kitchen and I promise to take care of it, always use good quality pepper and more importantly to share it with those I love.

Leo, thank you for showing me what a healthy adult relationship looks like.  Thank you so much for loving my mom so deeply. It’s only fitting that your last public statement in the world of FaceBook be “ Happy Anniversary to my wonderful wife, Regina!”  Thank you for giving me a standard to hold on to should I get married.  If I end up with a man half of what you were – I will consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. 

Thank you for challenging my thinking at such a young age.   I learned to think for myself and create my own opinions. I long to be as knowledgeable as you are.  You were a source of knowledge for me.  I miss our frequent discussions about politics and especially our Jon Stewart recaps.  It was one of my favorite things to do with you.  I remember when I was in Michigan for Thanksgiving a few years ago while I was working on the campaign – you were asking me question after question.  I still hear you saying “I’m so proud of you.  I think what you are doing is one of the coolest things.”  

Leo, mostly, thank you for showing me what living life in the moment and to the fullest is all about.  You loved living.  You lived with such passion and joy.   

Thank you for allowing me to share my Leo with you.   I know that Leo was someone different to everyone in this room.    My hope is that we each take whatever influence Leo was to us  - whoever you consider to be “your Leo”– and continue to implement that into our lives.  Whether it is music, art, humor, knowledge, cooking, sailing,…  I know that Leo would love that he left us with that. 

Before I share something from my mom, the simple phrase – thank you – doesn’t fully express how grateful I am for the support that has been shown to my mom. 

 My mom wants me to remind you to hug each other and say, “I Love You” as often as you can. She also wanted me to share some lines from an Irish song that Leo sometimes sang to her. 

       Whether I wander east or west,

       Waking or dreaming,

       You are near me,

       Joy of my heart.

four months and counting

I can't believe that 3 days ago marked the four month anniversary of Leo's death.  I feel like I repeat myself often but, how in the world has it only been 4 months.  Longest time of my life.  Period.

I feel like it has been a few weeks since I've been here. 

The memorial service went really well.  Beautiful music, beautiful stories, tears, laughter.  There was over 500 people in attendance.  There was probably that many people who weren't able to attend.  What an impact his life was.   What scares me about this "event" being over is the facebook tributes to Leo are going to go away.  The checking in on my mom will stop.  That people will start and continue to move on.  I wish it was that easy.

Here is a link to the memorial service:

Here is the article about the memorial service.  I love that they called me a daughter...I hate the word and negative stigma "step" gets.

I haven't been real honest with how sad I've been lately.  I feel like I've lost the liberty to talk about Leo.  I think about him all the time.  I think about how much I hate that he isn't around.  I miss his laugh.  I miss his voice - I miss him answering the phone saying "hey, we were just talking about you..."  I miss my mom being happy and not lonely.    I just miss knowing he is alive and well in Bay City, MI. 

I started a grief support group.  Tonight was the first meeting that I was able to attend.  I don't know how I feel about it yet.  Tonight we had to share "our story" - basically what happened to our loved one.  Everyone in there lost a parent.  There is 7 of us - 4 around my age and 3 older/parent age.  Which is usually rare, but I'm thankful there are others my age.  In a weird - sick way - it's comforting.  I need support here in Nashville - I'm longing and desperate for it. 

A good majority of the participants were the caretakers.  When they were sharing their stories - I found myself getting pissed, angry,  and jealous.  I was so jealous that they got to say goodbye.  What I would give to get one more hug from Leo....to be able to say the "good bye."  I didn't get that - I had such a sudden unexpected loss.  However, I do know that both ways are awful - and unique in there own ways - and you have no idea what it's like until you go through it.  I've learned that lesson.

Next week - we have to bring in something that symbolizes Leo.  What one thing can I bring?  I have NO idea!  I have so many things that symbolize Leo to me.  I'm thinking a picture of us - and the pepper grinder.


It always goes back to the pepper grinder :) - Leo would love it!


-Kathryn-

groundhog day

You know that movie - Groundhog Day?  Where Bill Murphy experiences the same day over and over?  I feel like my life is that movie right now.

Here is my ground hogs day: Being at Mom and Leo's for a week - cleaning - picking out my "black" outfit - having to interact with a ton of their friends/family...I feel like I'm living in the week he died again.  

The memorial service is this Saturday.  How is it already here?  Part of me is happy.  Happy to finally have this event behind me - to not stress about it.  Another part of me is dreading it - it just means one less event to honor Leo.  One less event means more time has passed and I feel like I should be on the journey to healing.  I'm so far from feeling healed.

Just based on my experience - getting ready for the memorial service 4 months after a death is more difficult then the funeral a few days after the person has died.  That numb feeling is gone - and the reality that he is gone is more real than ever.

I'm stressed about talking.  I'm stressed about having mom's house "ready" for guest.  I'm stressed that I'm not going to be able to get the first word out of my mouth without crying.  I'm not numb anymore.  I can tell that my anxiety has increased greatly this week.  They are thinking that there can be up to 500 people at the service.  Holy shit.  I've spoken to a max of 40...

Yesterday - we were cleaning up the studio.  I am the organized one of the bunch - and the pressure I feel to get everything done is draining.  I need to finalize what I'm going to say - I am also working during the day.  I feel pressured to keep everyone on task - to set order to the chaos.  I felt like a bitch yesterday.  However, if I allowed myself to show my real emotions - you would see my heart breaking with everything I touched in the studio.

I love that it looks like Leo is still here - but I hate it.  It's such an awful reminder that he isn't here.

However, I hope that Saturday is a beautiful celebration of his life.  I'm looking forward to meeting more people I've heard about for years.

In the midst of this chaos - we are enjoying ourselves.  We went sailing on Sunday and it was awesome.  Here are some pictures below:

Me and Mom

Andrew driving - this picture makes me laugh.  

John and Carol Lucas.  Mom's guardian angels...
My life is richer because I know these folks.

Andrew and I

Carol helping Andrew drive

Me, John and Andrew.





I think the most important lesson I've been learning is to live life.  Fully.

this weird emotion called "joy"

It has been awhile since I've set aside time to write about what has been going on.  It's amazing how easy it is to fill life with busyness.  However, a ten hour car ride back to Michigan for the memorial service was ample amount of time to be with my thoughts.  Especially when I didn't have to drive!

I've been reflecting on this past week and it feels strange.  I didn't have Esther time - took time off work - spent a good portion of week either talking or hanging out with this guy I've recently met. It's been fun. A lot of fun actually.  I'm not going to be talking about why I enjoy his company - or that I have a crush and get giddy when I think about him :).  Actually, what I've learned is that support comes out of the blue and exactly when needed - and for that I'm so grateful.  


I want to recap this week the best way I know how: I've laughed a lot (i've missed laughing) - watch college football (so happy it's back!) - tried cooking a new recipe that didn't turn out great - ran errands - had great meals at my favorite restaurants - saw an exhibit at the Frist. All of those events were with him.  It was just a lot of fun. 
  
What is interesting is deciding when and how to intertwine Leo into getting to know someone new.  Part of me doesn't want to share this painful, emotionally raw side of myself.  It's too personal.  I feel very vulnerable and almost weak when I get emotional in front of people I don't know or trust. In this specific instance - I didn't want my tears to reflect an emotionally unstable girl and make this person run.

However, the other part of me wanted to share because - Leo dying is apart of me - this big event is now one of the biggest factors in shaping who I am becoming.  At the end of the day, I know, I am this girl who lost someone dearly important.  If you are wanting to get to know me - you also have to know this side/part/reality of my life too. Not only do you have to know this side - you have to accept it.  This is terrifying to me.

What did I decide to do?  I shared.  I was reading something about Leo and the sadness hit me like a ton of bricks.  At first I was trying to hold back my tears - which results a drastic change in my mood.  However, I explained myself a little - walked away and started crying. I expected him to continue watching football and just let me cry while I was cleaning up the kitchen - but the opposite happened. He wanted to hear what I was feeling/thinking - he let me talk - told me it was okay to cry and be stressed about the memorial service - gave me a long hug.  I was throughly impressed.  It was nice to talk to someone besides Esther, my mom, Tracy and Ashlee.


Then it hit me.  This is what being supported feels like.  I felt support. I believe it was the first time a friend had hugged me while I was crying about Leo.  He kept telling me to not apologize - crying was okay and expected. I kind of think he channeling Esther :).



-Kathryn-

love letters in books

My mom and Leo have a lot of a few things:  cats, coffee mugs, wine glasses, scores/music, and books.  Lots of books.

Recently, I have been discovering the deep love and passion my mom and Leo had for one another.  They were so tuned in to one another - they would finish each other sentences or start the same story at the exact same moment, etc.  It was freaky - however - Leo would always say "Get your own brain" or "use your own brain" when it would happen.  It always made me laugh :).

For years, I have said I want a relationship to mimic theirs.  More than anything, the love he had for her was so evident.  I just know - that if I get to marry a man half like Leo - I'd be lucky.

After I meet Randall Williams - he simply wrote "Dude, Kathryn is cool.  We hung out some in Nashville." on Leo's facebook page.  Of course, I "liked" this comment - so I've been notified of comments since.  One of Mom's and Leo's friend posted a comment about finding a book from Leo - and how his note inside the book was so fitting for that moment in her life.  My mom responded with this:

"I have shelves of books that we have given each other over the years that we felt compelled to inscribe to each other.  My most favorite is a book of photographs of cats called, "City Cats."  He had spent his life being told that he was highly allergic to cats and shouldn't be around them.  When he got me, he also got a couple of cats.  In the book he gave me he wrote, "So many things I have learned to love through you...even cats...even myself.  With endless love, Leo"

Love that note.  I think I'm probably going to have to incorporate that note into my talk at the memorial service.

Speaking of the service - I asked my dad to bring up some of my pictures from the house in Marietta.  I have found a lot of Leo, mom, Andrew and I.  I even found the picture that I took of Leo's car at the time...when I started attending UT...he put a 'power T' on the back of his car.  It might have hurt his soul - but I loved it!

The pictures are making me realize how many adventures he took me on.  I miss those adventures and hate that we won't have any more.

Good lord - I miss him dearly.

-Kathryn-

3 months, Esther Time, happiness and disappointment

The last 24 hours has been a whirlwind of emotions.   I had to open a bottle of wine when I got home - and it tasted Oh, so lovely.

 Mom had some really great/hopeful news yesterday - that led to an appointment this morning - which I'm hopeful will turn into something very positive.

However, today is the 3 month anniversay.  How in the world has it only been 3 months?  The past three months have felt like eternity.  On the other side - I can't believe it's been 3 months.  I miss Leo a lot.  It's been 3 months since he was walking on this earth...it's really hard to believe that he is gone.

I think Esther realized something today - that I haven't yet.  I don't know if I'm ready to admit this yet either.  I have confessed how much I regret that the last time I saw Leo was Nov. 2008 - but today she was saying I need to stop beating myself up about it.  I don't know how to not regret this.  If only I had known....I would have raced up there to get one more hug.  One more conversation.   One more Leo meal...one last cup of coffee...one last time sharing the pepper grinder....one more conversation about politics....just one opportunity to tell him I love him and thank you.  So sad those little events are never going to happen again.  Thank god Leo and I had that two hour long conversation shortly before he died.  The regret would be so much bigger had that phone conversation not taken place.

Esther suggested that I write Leo a letter.  To tell him how grateful I am and how much of an influence he was in my life.  To thank him for showing me - how I wanted to be treated by a husband.  I loved how much he loved my mom.

At the end of Esther Time - we go over the up-coming appointments - and I learned that the interest for teh support group has been low.  I'm so disappointed.  I really hope that interest picks up and the group meets.  I've been kind of using that as my carrot to get through the next few weeks - and with the carrot gone...it makes me feel even more alone.

I think I'm going to order the book called: Healing after Losing by Martha Hickman.  Lately, I have been wanting to read something about grief - and Esther highly recommends the book.  Who knows...maybe I need to run to McKay's this weekend.  There is an idea :).

-Kathryn-

National hug a violist day..

Sending Leo a hug today...it's national hug a violist day :)

He was so cool!  :) 

This week doesn't appear to be off on the right foot.  I've already cried 2 times today.  

I feel so. so. so. lonely.  I don't think I felt this way as an awkward middle-schooler or in my teen years when this typical emotion is suppose to be present.

It will only be 3 months since Leo died this Wednesday.  I feel like I have used my "freedom" to talk about him dying.   When people ask how I am - I shouldn't confess how I am "really" doing.  The truth is - there isn't a hour that goes by where I don't think about him - or miss him - or wish this was a horrible nightmare - and I'll wake up soon.  When I wake up - he will be at home with mom - making her coffee, making beautiful music, answering the phone when I call - I wish this wasn't my reality.  At this point, I pat myself on the back when I can hold back the tears.   Since it's been 3 months - the few people who sincerely asked how I was doing - have stopped.

All but one.  Tracy - she is my only friend that I feel 100% comfortable in sharing all the deep sad lonely emotions with.  Today - she asked how I was doing - and I said "sad and lonely" - and she didn't offer a solution, didn't try to give me advice - but just allowed me to be.

This is Tracy!  

However, I don't want to burden her with my sadness - and I feel like I do.

Tracy can't be my only support, plus she has a serious boyfriend, important job and lives in CA.  The last thing I want to do is add my "needing support" to her plate.  However, I don't know how the hell I'm going to find any support...it's so important...and yet I don't have it.    I'm longing for support - longing for some connection with someone - who will just listen to me.  Someone who will go out for a drink with me - or see a movie - or not feel awkward when I cry.   Someone...anyone...

I found this wonderful post this afternoon called: ways to support someone who is grieving.  This post really spoke to me today.   For two reasons really.  1. it reiterates the need for support.  2.  also makes me feel "normal" with some of my reactions.

I would have to add one though.  Don't ever say "cheer up; that person wouldn't want you to be sad; smile for that person; focus on the good memories; etc."  Those phrases are not helpful.  Personally, if I ever hear "cheer up" again...I might scream :).

Go hug a violist!

-Kathryn-

My latest phrase...

I keep repeating "it's not fair, it's not fair" in my head.   I say it when I think about my personal loss, when I talk to my mom, when I think of my brother, when I think of Leo's friends and when I think their community.  It's just not fair.

It's been a really hard couple days.  I don't want to talk to anyone besides my mom.  On Wednesday - I'm pretty certain I cried for a good 3-4 hours.  I'm having those sessions more frequently.  I just don't understand why this had to happen.  I wish I had another few years - at least.  I wish the loved ones left behind were given a heads-up.  I just wish I had more time with Leo.

I had a cooking question last week.  I picked up my phone to call and ask him - then I remembered - I lost my source.  It sucks.  Who am I going to call now?

I miss you a lot Leo...

It's not fair.

Esther Time - 3rd Round

Today has been hard.   Today, while I was at work, I had the music on my phone on shuffle.  A song from Einstein’s Dreams came on – and the tears start to fall.  For whatever reason, I looked at The Bijou’s website to further the torture.   Since I was crying at work, I decide to quickly close the website – and hit skip on my phone.  I was able to gain composure pretty quickly. 

Today, I didn’t want to go see Esther.  It’s not that I didn’t want to see her – I’m sad and mad that I go see her.  I can’t really pinpoint my emotions with this.  I’m so thankful that I decided to go talk to someone – and I’m thankful that person is Esther.  She is so warm – and accepting.  I feel like I’m having coffee with an old friend – but without coffee and me talking about myself the whole time J.

Right before I head out of work to go to the appointment – I can’t make a decision about bringing my glass of water.  I ask Ashlee and Jessica (coworker and boss) what I should do – then start tearing up.  I feel crazy at times.   I cried the entire way to the appointment.  Again, had the ability to gain composure – walked in – waited for Esther to get me – walked into her office and started crying again.   

I’ve realized that my time with Esther is a safe place.  I don’t have the support I need in Nashville.  That’s has been a tremendously tough realization to recognize.  I have been finding myself focusing on this fact - I really don't need to waste my energy with this.  I should put that energy in finding new friends, however, it's exhausting.   I am looking forward to joining a support group.  The first meeting is  the Tuesday after the memorial service - I think it will be good for my soul.    

My brother joined the Marines today – and mom told me she woke up because she was dreaming about him dying.  This makes me want to kick him for joining.  Is it awful to hope he gets a desk/cubical job?  I am proud of him, because he has had this goal for months – and was able to stick with it.   I’m trying to be excited for him, but it’s really difficult.  Especially, in light of Leo.  

I’m ready to go back to MI.  I’m ready to be around mom and the people who knew Leo.  I long for it actually.  Next Wednesday will mark the 3 month anniversary.  I can't believe it's a. already been 3 months and b. has only been 3 months.  This is worst thing I've ever experienced...ready for a little healing, but honestly don't see it any time soon.

Today, I was looking through my notebook that I make notes/to do list in.  I found my christmas ideas for people last year.  I just can't believe he won't be on that list this year.  I find this so unfair.  

-Kathryn-

Esther Time - 2nd round

For the next month, I'm meeting with Esther on Wednesdays at 3:30.  It's the perfect time - I leave work and don't have to return - and it puts me home in the afternoon as if I left work.  It's really nice to not have to worry about returning to the office...I think that would be a difficult task to accomplish.

Today in the waiting room I met Joyce.  Joyce lost her husband - who was 59 - last September - and it's taken her this long to be able to talk someone.  We were sharing stories and our losses - and I left the room saying "i wish you could meet my mother."  Mom and Joyce have a lot in common - lost their spouse at a young age, haven't have the best of luck in the job market - basically dealing with any other stress that could come ones way - both Joyce and mom are dealing.  In those 5 minutes of talking with Joyce - I felt as if I had made a new friend.  Finally, someone in Nashville who is hurting too - I thought.  Someone who won't think I'm crazy or get uncomfortable when I cry.  The 5 minute interaction with Joyce confirmed my need/want to join a support group.  What I loved is we didn't do the bullshit small talk - we immediately went into the "who did you lose?"  There is something refreshing about being able to be real and honest with another person (besides Esther, mom and Tracy).  Joyce is also going every Wednesdays - I hope to see her next week in the waiting room.

Esther Time wasn't really emotional today...which I'm okay with.  I cried when she asked me "have you ever thought what you would say to Leo if he was here?"  That's when I started to cry.  I think that I will use that question as a backdrop to my talk/letter to Leo at his memorial service in September.

Mom and I talked about it last night - and I'm going to share what Leo was in our family.  He wasn't a conductor - he was a musical genius yes - but he was a member of my family.  He was Leo - my stepdad...or as I am now referring to him as dad#2.  He was someone who I shared the pepper grinder with.  Leo was someone who took me to Paris - and knew everything about anything.  He taught me about cooking - he showed me how I want to be loved by my future husband by watching him love my mom.  He made her coffee every morning.  Every morning.  He cooked for me and for others.  He was the person who I was able to have funny witty banter with.  We love Jon Stewart - and would rehash the previous night's episode.  we would always talk about politics.  I loved it.  He taught me how to love things in life - and live in the moment.  God, he was so good at living in the moment.  I long to be that passionate about life. He has had such profound influence on my life and I regret that I'm just now recognizing it.  He was the person who told me that I'm doing such a cool thing by working on a campaign for free.  He was the person who would take the backroads before he would get on the interstate.  Therefore a 45 minute car ride would turn into a 2 hour ride...which I find to be irritating - but it was Leo!  I could list "what he was" for pages and pages - and that is what I want to be shared at his service.  I feel honored that I'm going to be up there talking - I just hope for the ability to speak and not fall apart.

The memorial service is going to be tough.  I think the funeral will be a different hard in comparison to the memorial service.  Because, by the time the memorial service comes around - we will be a week shy of 4 months.  It's real now - very real.  I really have no idea where to start with my "talk" but I do know that I feel honored and lucky to have been thought of and asked.  I think another reason it will be tough - is a lot of people who weren't able to make it to the funeral - will be at the memorial service.  It's another round of meeting people, putting the years of stories with a face, etc.  However, I do love meeting these people - and I think that mom and Leo are some of the luckiest people with who they have in their lives.    More than anything, I can't wait to see my mom...

-Kathryn-

Election of 2008

Before the funeral, this was the last time I saw Leo.  Whenever I admit this - it simply hurts my heart.  This will forever be one of my life's biggest regrets.  You simply don't expect to lose someone....so putting off visiting doesn't seem like that big of a deal.   I try not to dwell on this reality, because it is very unproductive.  Since I called their house daily, it didn't feel like years - and for that - I'm forever thankful.

I was in MI for a few days around the election.   It was a great visit.  It was the first time I had seen their house - Leo's kitchen - meeting a few of the new cats.  It was abnormally warm in MI for November - I remember we sat outside a lot, went on walks, etc.  I knew that there were pictures taken, but I couldn't remember who had them.   Today I found the pictures on my external hard drive!

John and Carol were having people over at their house that night.  That was the first time I had met John, Carol, Allen and Brenda.  I had no idea at the time - but for me - they are now a direct connection to Leo.  He loved them dearly - I feel so much comfort when I'm around them.  Great, great people - or my new aunts and uncles - as I have been fondly referring to them as.  I want my future kids (major assumption here) to spend time with them - and learn things they would have learned from Leo.  Examples: sailing, cooking, loving, laughter, wine (when legal of course), etc...

The three of us had a lot of fun thinking about what food to take.  For example: chicken wings for "left-winged media"; "blue - corn chips"...you get the idea.  It was a great night and I'm so thankful I decided to escape the South's sea of red for the 2008 Election.

Here are a few of the pictures: 

Leo came home with a special treat for the 3 of us.  

This is after Obama won!  As you can tell, we are all very happy.  I. LOVE. THIS. PICTURE!  

Poor Allen was nervous the first part of the night.  It was good that I was there - to remind him the first round of election returns are typically from the South :). 

Mom and I excited about our "Yes we can" sodas! 

Yes, the pin says "Demo-Cats for Obama"

Mom and Leo :)

-Kathryn-

Little Triggers

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief." Aeschylus

It's been a pretty good 36 hours.

Wednesday took enough emotions out of me to allow the following 36 hours to feel "normal".  On Wednesday, I had two panic attacks.   One was before Esther Time due to the inability to reach my mom.  It was 2:30 and usually - we have talked at least 2 times and have sent text messages.  When I called again, it dawned on me, that despite my calls and text messages - I hadn't heard from her.  Esther told me that after a loss, people have a heighten sense of mortality.  It's true, I can't write the thoughts that were running through my head.  I needed to know where my mom was asap.  I sent John a text message - and she was working with the workcamp kids from church.   The campers were over at the house to help organize the garage.  The support that her community is still showing is amazing.  Her friends are amazing.  I envy her community/support/friendships.  Once I received his message I was able to relax, stop crying, and even let out a laugh because I felt ridiculous.

Insert a hour and a half of Esther time in between these attacks. Sessions are going to be exhausting.  I made a rule that I am not going to do anything social on Wednesdays.

Attack #2: It happened while I was at Bon Iver who was playing at the Ryman.  Mom had given me this ring Leo gave her.  I've been carrying it in my wallet - and I guess in the course of the night - it had fallen out.   I discovered it had fallen out when the girl in front of me picked the ring up - put it on - and showed the people sitting near her.  I couldn't speak.  I just sat there stunned, watching and thinking "oh my god, it's my ring, please give it back, please...I can't lose that."  The music was so loud - so I had to wait about 15 minutes until it was quiet enough for her to hear me.  However, in those 15 minutes - I had to tell myself to breathe - you are going to get it back.  I was crying.  I was alone.  I was watching a girl wear something Leo gave to mom who gave to me.  It was awful.  When I asked the girl for the ring, I was crying and explained its significance.  She started tearing up saying "oh, god, I know...I lost my dad too."

Wednesday was exhausting.

I was good until 10pm tonight.  I had just gotten off the phone with Mom and was on Facebook.  I went to my brother's page and his profile picture is of him and Leo (see below).    I felt the stress, tears, lack of control and inability to breathe coming on again.  During those moments - it's as if I can only focus on one or two thoughts.  Tonight's was "no more pictures - It's not fair.  There aren't going to be any more pictures."

Here are a few pictures of the family.  I look ridiculous because it was about 10 years ago - but I don't know where our most recent pictures are currently.  It's difficult to recall the memories that are captured in these pictures, however, I wanted to share a few of my favorites:

I adore this picture of mom and Leo.

I wasn't with them in this picture - but I love it!  Andrew and Leo cooked together all the time - and it looks like they are post-cooking in this picture.  Leo was a fabulous cook.   

Leo and I in Paris.  Leo and Mom took me to Paris for about 10 days.  Amazing trip.  Next time I go Leo - I promise to order something besides chicken and potatoes :)

The clouds today in Nashville mimicked the ones in this picture.   I thought about this picture all day. 

-Kathryn-