patiently waiting

I woke up devastated today.  My heart has never felt this broken.  I literally feel the pain.  It's the first time I can honestly say my heart is beyond broken.  I thought I was heartbroken over boys...that was nothing.  How annoying that I have this as my gauge.

I'm aching to talk to him today...just aching.  What I wouldn't give to talk to Leo again...

I have a "daily meditations for working through grief" book.  I can't believe I have this book.  I was looking through it the other day - and the meditation for March 28 sums me up perfectly.  It starts with a quote - the author says something - then leaves a one sentence "food for thought" at the end.

"Grief comes in unexpected surges...Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief.  It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, twisting me inside out.  Then recedes, leaving me broken.... I don't want to eat, to walk, to get out of bed.  Reading, working, cooking, listening.  Nothing matters.  I do not want to be distracted by my grief.  I wouldn't mind dying.  I wouldn't mind at all." - Toby Talbot. 

Authors words:

Anything can set us off - a fragment of music, a piece of old clothing we come upon when cleaning out a closet, a slip of paper that falls out of a book, with that familiar handwriting on it.  Just when we thought we were feeling better, gaining some stability, something comes to plunge us right back into that raw, overpowering sense of loss.

Not only are we unable to think of anything else, we don't want to.  There is nothing on the horizon but this.  Our grief occupies our life out to the edges.  If we try to look to the future, our glance is stuck in this mire of grief.  Is it any wonder we think of our own death as not such a bad idea?

The mood comes without warning and it's devastating.  It also passes.  So live in your grief, yes.  But also wait. 

To accept the surges of grief when they come is also to know they will pass. 



I'm not sure what set me off today.  Was it his sweatshirt I was wearing?  Was it the  Bon Iver song that  came on my iTunes?  At that point I recalled my panic attack.  Was it pulling out cans of tomatoes for chili and thinking about Andrew's facebook post yesterday? 

Could it be the stress of the holidays coming up?  Could it be my overwhelming sense of being alone in Nashville? 

I don't think you have to have a reason.  I don't think I'm able to pinpoint the ONE reason I woke up feeling heartbroken.  Sadly, it's my reality.  Don't get me wrong - I feel heartbroken daily - but today was that raw - "oh, shit - I can't do this" feeling. 

I miss him...good lord...I miss him. 

patiently wait...

-Kathryn-

to help people understand

Two weeks ago in support group - our facilitator read a letter from a book.  Within this book, the author suggests to give it to those that are close to you.  Or to those you want to simply explain what the fuck is going on with you.  This letter is a pretty good summary of what someone, who has suffered a loss, is going through.  The letter is below.  I'm going to put the letter as is - and make edits by crossing words out and putting my words (if I were to use this) in blue.

Dear (friend, family, fellow coworker, etc):

Recently I have suffered a devastating loss.  I am grieving and it will take months and even years to recover from this loss.

I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time to time.  I don't  try not to apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith.  They are God's gift to me to express the extent of my loss, and they are also a sign that I am recovering.  They are my way of expressing the deepness of my loss.  Trust me, I never thought I could cry this much. 

At times you may see me angry, irrational, stressed out over little things, etc for no apparent reason.  Sometimes/most of the time I'm not sure why.  All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief.  If I don't always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me.  And if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this as normal.

More than anything I need your understanding and your presence.  You don't always have to know what to say or even say anything if you don't know how to respond.  Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care.  Please do not wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so.

If I tend to withdraw from you, please do not let me do that.  I need you to reach out to me for several months.

Pray for me that I would come to see meaning in my loss someday and that I would know God's comfort and love.   I don't think you can ever find  meaning in a loss.  That line is stupid.  The next line also doesn't bring comfort to me...so I'd leave this paragraph out completely.  It does help to let me know that you are praying for me. 

If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me.  It will help rather than cause me to feel worse.  And don't stop sharing if I begin to cry.  It's all right, and any tears you express as we talk are all right too.

This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me.  But I will survive and eventually recover.  I cling to the that knowledge, even though there have been times when I didn't feel it.  I know that I will not always feel as I do now.  Laughter and joy will emerge once again someday.

Thank you for caring about me.  Thank you for listening and praying.  Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful. 

Bob Deits, Life After Loss - pp. 150-151. 


I like this letter.  I think it's a great summary and explanation of one's general life when grieving.  I don't have anyone to give it to - the very few people that I trust to talk to - handle it perfectly.

Last night was great.  I stayed after and talked to the other girl who lost a parent suddenly.  We talked about how we are tired of doing things by ourselves, etc.  Maybe a new friend will come from this...it's my hope.

We, as the collective group, also talked about taking the word "should/shouldn't" out of our vocabulary.  How we need to be kind to ourselves - and not have these unrealistic expectations.  IE - I shouldn't still be crying.  I should be able to listen to my friends problems, etc.  It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.

Wisty was saying how we (as humans) try to be kind to other people - and if we don't extend that kindness to ourselves - no one else will.  We have to let ourselves be.

I can't express how great it is to be in a room with other people who know exactly how I feel.  Who have the same crazy emotional days, who cry a lot, who have a new hole in their heart...I'm not alone.

-Kathryn-

a time out

"...a pure relief.  The world will give you that once in a while, a brief timeout; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody dabs mercy on your beat-up life."  - Sue Monk Kidd in The Secret Life of Bees.

I need a time out.  Badly.  I have never felt this sad in my entire life - and it's so frustrating.  I thought I was suppose to be making progress.  I feel worse than I ever have since Leo died.

I try to think/stay positive - and I simply cannot. 

I miss my mom pre-Leo dying.  God, I miss my mom.  I feel like I've lost her...I miss talking to my sister.  I wish my best friend from high school would call me - I wish someone else would care besides Tracy.  I wish Jim could give me what I want...I wish I didn't have to end that friendship.  It was a beautiful and needed distraction from my reality.  I wish I had unlimited funds so I could distract myself by shopping. 

I just wish a lot of things were different.

I wish I could go a day without crying.  I've been crying all day today.  I hate it.  My eyes are already exhausted and it's only 2:15. 

Surely, my time-out will come soon...

Kathryn

Support Group

Nothing in me wanted to go to group today.  Nothing. 

I had an awful day at work.  My life outside of dealing with the loss of a parent is really stressful...when I added Leo dying to the mix...I literally feel out of control.  The combination of my day - with dreading group - made me want to stay home and order Thai. 

However, I went.  I'm glad I did.  It felt real tonight.  I cried the moment my mouth open and I shared how awful my day was.  How all of my friends in Nashville are more consumed with talking about having babies or not being able to get pregnant or that her picture on facebook looks awful or how their marriage issues are comparable to my issues...and won't listen to me.  But when they talk to me...all I want to do is scream " I DON'T CARE!!!  I really don't care."  I don't want to talk about that....attending "celebrations" aka "showers" is not something I want to do either.  When I shared this...a girl my age said that she was in the same boat.  It was like someone lifted a ton of bricks off my back.  There is someone out there that thinks like me right now!  Someone who doesn't try to spin what is going on into the positive.  Who just says "it does suck - and I don't want to do it either."  It's nice to not feel like the world's biggest bitch being honest. 

We got a handout with the group's contact information.  I'm excited to try and keep in touch with a few of the people.  Especially the younger people...I just feel like we are moments away from becoming dear friends.  Most of the time - it takes one person putting themselves out there - and I'm going to try.  i need friends who understand me.  period.

Tonight - we talked about holidays.  They made suggestions for christmas to light a candle in their honor - or make a place setting for them.  the thought of doing such thing breaks my heart.   I hate he isn't here...

I had a friend suddenly lose her dad this week.  It stirred up a lot of emotions within me...to think that we now have this in common sucks.  I sent her an email yesterday - on the 5 month marking of leo dying - and it almost made me sick to my stomach.  My heart aches for her...

I've been loaded with disappointment this week.  I'm ready for things to settle down.  I'm ready to not experience the range of joy, sadness, anger, confusion, stress, crazy - all in one day. 

Tonight - I'm just wanting a hug from Leo.  Miss that man.  

-Kathryn-

Wishful Thinking.

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions.  It has felt very fluid and uncomfortable.  Let me try to recap:

1. I was pulled way too far into a friends marital issues.  Did not enjoy this event one bit. 
2. Support group really frustrated me this week.
3. I discovered that therapy is covered 100% if I go to someone within my network.  The only.  Let me say this again - ONLY - financial obligation I have is the $15 copay.  Seriously, thank you work for such rich benefits. 
4. I told dad and Carol that I'm going to Mom's for thanksgiving.  I could write a short story about the level of stress I have over holidays. 
5. I'm more worried about my mom than I was months ago.  I wish she lived closer. 
6. Tracy's excitement over being an aunt gave me genuine, deep joy - something that I haven't had in a couple weeks.  

This week has been difficult.  I cried a lot this week, but especially a lot on Tuesday after group.  Few in the group experienced a sudden death.  Some had time to say goodbye.  It makes me so jealous.  I know both are awful and unique in their ways.  Not that I wanted Leo to suffer...I just wish I had a chance to say goodbye.  This past week - we talked about families - and people spent a lot of time talking about "who got what - and we got into a fight over this..."  It was driving me crazy.  There are a few people who are older - and their mom's had at least 3 decades on Leo.  3 - that is thirty years.  I didn't talk about my family - and when the facilitator was saying who still hadn't talked and would be talking next week - I was left off.  It really hurt my feelings.  Has what I've said so far made my story appear less important or worthy to be heard?  I want to tell my story.  Her not remembering that I didn't share - really made me feel invisible in the group.

When I was recapping the event to Tracy the next day over gchat - I stated how I missed the solid hour of KT talking.  It dawned on me...I still need one - on - one time.  I need to talk to someone who can take this event - take my past - and help me.  I feel so lost, confused, sad, lonely and hopeless right now.  I need to see/talk to someone.  Which is what prompted the research into seeing what my insurance will cover.  I was so thankful with my findings. 

Wilco's wishful thinking-I love the lyrics - especially "what would we be without wishful thinking?"

Wishful Thinking:

Fill up your mind with all it can know
Don't forget that your body will let it all go
Fill up your mind with all it can know
What would we be without wishful thinking

Chambers of chains
With red plastic mouths
The inside of outside
No one has found
How to unring the bell
It's just as well

The turntable sizzles
Casting the spells
The pressure devices
Hell in a nutshell
Is any song worth singing
If it doesn't help

Fill up your mind with all it can know
Don't forget that your body will let it all go
Fill up your mind with all it can know
'Cause what would love be without wishful thinking

Open your arms as far as they will go
We take off your dress
An embarrassing poem
Was written when I was alone
In love with you

I shook down those lines
To shine up the streets
I got up off my hands and knees
To thank my lucky stars that you're not me

What would we be without wishful thinking
What would we be without wishful thinking
What would we be without wishful thinking


-Kathryn-

Steve Jobs...but he was so young.

Steve Jobs died today.  Leo was probably one of the first in line to greet the man.  I can only imagine Leo showing him around - showing Jobs how helpful he was to his own career.  Talking about the latest gadget.

Probably talking about the loved ones left behind.  From the little bit of media I've been able to take in - it appears that Jobs was known for loving his family.

I wasn't able to watch a lot of the coverage - as I'm sitting here crying.  I think, in a way, Leo and Steve Jobs are really similar.  Obviously, on a different scale and career path.  But, still, very similar.

Both died at such a young age.

Both still, viewed by the public/friends/family, had way too much to still contribute to society.

Both were creative, innovative, made a difference.

Both were mentors.

Both pushed buttons and dreamed big - making the dreams come true.  How inspiring. 

More importantly, both left family members behind who don't care about what they created or dreamed up - both families miss the person - not the product (or music).  My heart hurts for the Jobs family.  I read he had 4 kids.  Since Steve and Leo were close in age - I'm assuming his kids are around my age.  My heart hurts for them...for me...for anyone who loses a parent.   

I'll end this post with a quote from Steve Jobs himself:

"Because the people who are crazy enough to change the world are the ones who do so." 

-Kathryn-