Nashville bound...hopefully...

I'm hoping in just a few short days - I will be making the almost 10 hour car ride back to Nashville. 

I need a break...
I need to be in my bed...
I want routine and my schedule...
I want my interaction to be with people in their 30's - and not 50+ like it is in MI...
I want to be rushed in the mornings to make it into the office...
I want to talk to my coworkers in person - and have lunch with them...
I want to be where it's warmer...
I want to be somewhere I can pretend everything is "normal"...
I want to see hipsters and not men decked out in camouflage...


I'm just being honest and really really trying to not feel guilty for my feelings.  I'm a little shy of two months of my new life - and I'm craving - no longing for my old one. 

The next few days are kind of "big" in the Turner world.  Mom has her first - out of the skilled nursing facility appointment with her oncologist.  That appointment is on Monday.  On Thursday - we have our progress report with the skilled nursing facility.  We will be discussing what she needs to be able to do to be discharged.  Then Friday - the cancer foundation non-profit will vote to accept mom (HOPEFULLY!) as one of their patients. 

Depending on how the meeting goes with the nursing home - will help me decide if/when I go back to TN.  If she will be at Heartland (the nursing facility) for the rest of treatment - there is no point for me to be here.  However, if they are thinking she might be discharged soon...well...I have a shit ton of work to do in order to make her house ready for her and that trip to Nashville will be very delayed.  

Fingers crossed I'll be Nashville bound in 5 short days! 

just plain sad.

I've had a horrible week.  I've been extra stressed with my out of control hormones - then adding my dogs has taken things to a whole new level.  I was bitchy to people - my mom - my dogs - you name it - I was a bitch.  One of my mom's friends - Joanne (my adopted grandmother) - even told me I seemed stressed.  It's bad when others can pick up on your stress!  I even had a stress headache that made me throw up.  It's been awhile since I've had a headache like that.   

Now, the 24/7 frustration has mostly subsided (thankfully!) and I'm just feeling lonely and sad.  I miss talking to my mom - like my typical mom.  I haven't had a good mom talk since before Christmas.  Almost 3 full months of not really having my mom to talk to.  A full month and a few days of mom having brain cancer.  BRAIN CANCER....life is unfair.   I'm so jealous of my friends that don't experience any pain or hardships.   I also look at them and think "you truly have no fucking idea how lucky you really are..." How awful is that?  Not that I would wish this upon anyone...I'm just bitter that my life has dealt me the cards it has. 

I'm sad sitting here in her house without her.  Since Leo died - being in the house has been a little sad. Now - both of them aren't here.  It's pretty awful...

It's cold and windy here.  The sun is hardly ever out.  Ready for Spring.  Ready for warmth and sun.  Ready for laughter and happiness.  Ready for open windows and not gloves and 10 layers of clothes.  Ready for my mom's radiation treatment to be over.  Ready to see if the tumor starts shrinking.  Ready to hug my mom.  Ready to just hold her hand and not have to immediately run to wash my hands because of how radio-active she is.  Ready for my mom to be home living independently.  Ready to wake up from this truly awful nightmare - in Nashville - in my OWN BED! 

There are so many - "what if's" and "wait and see" I can't stand it.  My mind is constantly wondering and anticipating the future.  I'm driving myself crazy. 

A note of fun: this coming Wednesday I have plans with mom's friend, Sandy and her daughter.  Her daughter is my age - and apparently we are a lot of like.  A social event!  It will be GLORIOUS!

This picture is by Andy Rogers - Sandy's husband.  It's Sandy, myself and Andrew.  We called this our "regina turner is out of ICU celebration" at SteinHaus.

I don't want to go back.

There I said it.  I'm the worst daughter ever - I don't want to go back to MI. 

I've been in Nashville for almost a week.  It didn't really feel "normal" until Friday.  Of course, I was still making and receiving phone calls on behalf of my mom, but it was under 5.  It was quiet day.

Today (Saturday) none.  NONE!  It's been amazing. 

Nashville also gifted me with amazing weather on Friday and today.  The high was 75 with a very bright sun - I had lunch outside with a friend.  Took the dogs on a very long walk.  Started day dreaming about the flowers I wanted to plant this spring...only to be interrupted with the reminder that I'm going back to MI tomorrow.  Will I even be here to plant flowers?  Who will water them? 

I had a half day for myself today.  The other half has been dedicated to my mom. 

I wish the drive wasn't 9 hours.  I wish I wasn't returning to a place that is freezing.  I don't want to see snow on the ground.  I don't want to deal with my dogs at my mom's house.  I wish my mom didn't have cancer.  I wish I was staying in Nashville.  I really wish my mom didn't have cancer. 

However, this past week has also shown me how difficult it is to be a caretaker 645 miles away.  It has shown me how supported I am in MI.  I think I'm handling things so well...because I'm supported by endless number of people who love my mom and in turn love me.  Down here - I feel very alone.  The only people I can relate to right now are people my mother's age.  I'm an old soul, but not that old!  It's because they have had to be a care-taker for one of their parents.  Without these people's presence in my daily life - I felt myself start to have higher levels of anxiety.   There is just no way I would be able to be in Nashville very long.  I just need to come to terms with this. 

I talked to my coworker, Katie, who had a very similar situation 10 years ago - and she said "when I did this for my mom, it was so hard and exhausting - but I have absolutely no regret."  That has stuck with me.  Even during my semi tantrum state of not wanting to leave my house...I do know that I want to take the best care of my mom...because I want her around.  When people tell me I need to find balance - they haven't been in my situation.  It's impossible to find balance.  I don't know what will happen at the end of all this.  No one does...no one really knows when their end date is...but with whatever happens with my mom's life...I will have zero regrets. 

-Kathryn-

I'm back...

Life was FINALLY starting to feel normal.  I was able to think about Leo all the time without crying.  I was starting to have the desire to be social.  I was at a point where I wanted to take care of myself - emotionally and physically - because I was going to make 2013 "my bitch."  However, 2013 had other plans.

This story started when Leo died.  A natural side effect of losing someone is depression.  My mom's depression scared me.  The past few months - she seemed to dive back into a deep depression.  The past few months - she had started complaining of neck pain, dizziness, headaches, etc.  I honestly just thought she didn't want to feel fine - so she was creating sickness in her mind to allow herself to feel sick.  I'm a bitch.  I was out in CA for Tracy's wedding - and the day of the wedding I received WEIRD messages from my mom: "if i die - you get everything."  "all my important papers are on my desk."  "I love you, please don't be scared." "I'm sorry if something happens to me." 

My response was simply, "why are you planning something?"  I was mad that she had "interrupted" my trip with the weird messages.  Even after the wedding - I kind of blamed her for my lack of letting go while I was at the wedding.   I was mad that she had allowed herself to be this depressed - to talk to me like this. 

I was back from SF - that Monday - I called her friends to talk about her "state."  We were all in agreement that something very strange was going on with her.  Mom wouldn't call people back - her and I hadn't talked on the phone since the new year - our correspondence had been via text message.  I was one of the lucky ones to even get a response via text.  We were talking about a sort of intervention. 

During the multiple phone calls on Monday, I found out my mom was heading to the ER because she was feeling like she had a stroke.  Again, my thoughts raged back to the "she just hates life - she is creating this reality..."  Someone even suggested that she was going to various doctors, hospitals to shop for pills.

Monday 2/10 - my mom was at the hospital having test done - they admitted her at night and Tuesday morning during a CT scan a huge, nasty fucking tumor was found in the brainstem.  She sent me an email - which I received at work.  Maybe it was shock - but I didn't have a reaction immediately.  My reaction came when I called her and heard her voice.  She sounded like she had a stroke - that fucker in her brain was making her entire left side have stroke like symptoms.  I left work to get ready to drive to MI the following morning and have been here since. 

The brainstem tumor is so deeply seated in her brain - they are not able to operate it.  The hospital was looking for the primary source of the tumor - so she had all sorts of test done to her.  On my drive up - they found a tumor in the front left lope of her brain and she was being scheduled for brain surgery that Friday.

I'll share more about the last few weeks later, but what I learned is the location of the brainstem tumor causes depression.  The front lope tumor can cause personality changes.  Mom's symptoms - were identical to someone suffering from depression.  I wanted her to be crazy depressed...not to have brain cancer. 

Now I'm on a new journey....a journey where I'm the caretaker of my 52 year old mom with brain cancer.