Missing her...

I'm missing my mom unlike anything I've ever experienced.

I want to pick up the phone and hear her voice.
I want to hug her.
I want her to be at her home with her cats.
I want, I want, I want, I want.

It's just too bad my wants will never, ever come true.  Ever.

This weekend was weird and the only person I wanted to talk to was my mom.

I'm ready for the physical pain to go away.  I'm ready for my broken heart to start forming its new shape.  I'm ready for the constant pit in my stomach to go away.

I'm just not ready to let her go...
I'm not ready to say goodbye....
I don't think I can ever be ready...

I love you mom - and miss you terribly.

-TT

"Waking up without her is like waking up in a world without sky: unimaginable."

I'm not sure if writing on my blog will be therapeutic for me this time around.  It was an amazing outlet for me to recall memories and share them of Leo.  Do I want to do that with my mom?  Losing her at 31 is unbelievably disappointing, sad, unfair, maddening, fucked up, and on and on.  How is it that 2.5 years later - I lose another parent?   I'm typically not one to hate life - but I'm really hating mine right now.  I don't like being awake - because all I think about is my mom.  I feel lazy and bad about myself with sleeping so much.  Apparently, there is no winning right now.

This article - I have read it over and over.  She gets it.

I have already been told "Kathryn, I hate to think of you changing - of losing yourself..."  Which just pisses me off.  How can I not change?  How can losing my mom not change me?  Especially - losing her the way I did...

The article ends with "Living with grief, I came to think, is like being a tree confronted with an obstacle. You have to grow around it; your path is shaped by it."  I know this new path I am taking is going to suck. Right now - I don't feel like I will ever be okay - or learn how to grow around this tree.  However, this being loss #2 - I know I will be okay.  

I found a sailing video with my mom.  She is panning around the boat - Andrew is steering - Carol is guiding him - I'm sitting across from her drinking wine (typical..) We keel towards my mom - so I have to grab something to prevent myself from falling.  The only thing you can hear over the wind is my mom saying "Hang on, TT!"  If she could say something to me now - I know it would be "hang on, TT!" (I have Sandy Rogers to thank for this thought...) For her - I am going to try to hang on.  

I love you Mutti...

Chemo round 2, day 1

It's a little past 9:30 on Monday night and my mom is already in bed for the night.  I'm sitting outside on her porch, drinking a beer, sitting in her wicker chairs that she has for as long as I can remember.  All the while - I am trying hard to fight back my flow of tears. 

My mom is a lot worse off than I was allowing myself to believe or admit.  Maybe I needed to see her in person?  See, I went back to Nashville around May 1, 2013 - so I didn't see her when she returned home after 3 longs months.   When she was under the care of others - she had a schedule - she didn't have to remember to take her pills - she didn't have to plan her food - remember she was out of toilet paper, etc.  Now that she is home - living somewhat independently - her memory loss is very evident. 

I simply do not trust her being alone.  If I wasn't here last night - she would have taken a double dose of her medicine...including a double dose of chemo, her "fish egg" pot pill, and steroid.  Based on what I have seen for the last 24 hours - I'm making one of the harder decisions I've had to make since mom has been sick. It's one that my mom will HATE.  I'm having someone move in with her - not because I want to upset her, but because I want her to live.  I really have to trust my decision - even if she is angry with me for months to come.  We got into a little argument about it last night...sadly (or thankfully) I think she has forgotten about it already. 

Because of her insurance policies - we have to paperwork filled out every few months.  I learned today that her onocologist claimed she was permanetly disabled and was more than likely never going back to work.  Talk about literally feeling my heart break.  How and why did this happen to MY mom?  She is literally one of the most brilliant people I know...she was my one source of challenging conversation....she was my source of political discussion, etc.  She did incredible things for this community - she helped save lives - she helped battered and sexually abused women and child escape from assholes.  How is it that she can't remember if she took her pills 45 minutes ago? 

I'm also trying hard not to be full of regrets.  I keep reflecting on the three months that I was up here while she was going through treatment.  I was so busy with insurance bullshit, finances, working remotely, trying to maintain her house and my sanity - what if I was so busy that I missed the last real moments I could have had with my mom?  I fucking hate hate HATE "what if..." statements.  But I can't get that one out of my head.  I want nothing more than to sit down with her - laugh - talk politics - go have  dinner - talk about life - talk about my problems - talk about her problems - talk about our work - talk about boys - talk about animals - go sailing!  Or simply put - have a relationship.  The heartache I have felt for the last 24 hours is something too familiar...and that terrifies me.  

On a lighter note - a few random things that happened today:

1. mom's downstairs shower is being installed - the constractor might be one of the most kind men I've been around.

2. I have seen most of my favorite people in Bay City already - dinner plans with mom's other best friend, Kim, tomorrow night.
 
3. I still run into people that I know in public - I'm a semi-local in BC.

4.  I had my first experience buying women depends tonight (thanks for that experience mom!)  This happened within 5 minutes: I'm checking out and the last thing I put on checkout line is the depends...probably the most attractive male I've ever seen in BC (am I saying this because he didn't have cameo on? - Maybe...) is behind me in line.  I think: "of course" and  I feel myself start to blush...I turn to use my card...it gets declined.  I have plenty of money in there - so I must have messed up the magnetic strip.  I'm probably appearing like an amazing person to this man.  On my way out - the tiny bottles of water that mom uses - I apparently purchased the one bag that was ripped and I was leaving a trail of water bottles.  Also fantastic.  I raced home and am now on beer #2. 

5.  I've already had my Zef's chicken greek salad.  This is one of my top favorite 5 meals in America.  I crave this stuff.  I hope to have a few more before I head back south.

6.  The Bijou Orchestra is having a fundraising concert on 9/22/13 for my mom.  Most of the musicians are playing...it makes my heart happy to think of this group of people playing together again.  I hate that it's another sad reason for my family - but it shows the true love and support people have for my mom.

7.  For my daily walks - I get to pass one of my favorite houses in America.  I LOVE the details!

8.  I've already seen and talked to Sandy a ton since I've been here - but here we are tonight.  I was grabbing take out tonight and ran into the Rogers - It's always fun running into the Rogers!  Excuse my grossness - it was post walk and it was very warm today!  I plan to have people take pictures of me and mom the rest of the week :).  More pictures to come...

Nashville bound...hopefully...

I'm hoping in just a few short days - I will be making the almost 10 hour car ride back to Nashville. 

I need a break...
I need to be in my bed...
I want routine and my schedule...
I want my interaction to be with people in their 30's - and not 50+ like it is in MI...
I want to be rushed in the mornings to make it into the office...
I want to talk to my coworkers in person - and have lunch with them...
I want to be where it's warmer...
I want to be somewhere I can pretend everything is "normal"...
I want to see hipsters and not men decked out in camouflage...


I'm just being honest and really really trying to not feel guilty for my feelings.  I'm a little shy of two months of my new life - and I'm craving - no longing for my old one. 

The next few days are kind of "big" in the Turner world.  Mom has her first - out of the skilled nursing facility appointment with her oncologist.  That appointment is on Monday.  On Thursday - we have our progress report with the skilled nursing facility.  We will be discussing what she needs to be able to do to be discharged.  Then Friday - the cancer foundation non-profit will vote to accept mom (HOPEFULLY!) as one of their patients. 

Depending on how the meeting goes with the nursing home - will help me decide if/when I go back to TN.  If she will be at Heartland (the nursing facility) for the rest of treatment - there is no point for me to be here.  However, if they are thinking she might be discharged soon...well...I have a shit ton of work to do in order to make her house ready for her and that trip to Nashville will be very delayed.  

Fingers crossed I'll be Nashville bound in 5 short days! 

just plain sad.

I've had a horrible week.  I've been extra stressed with my out of control hormones - then adding my dogs has taken things to a whole new level.  I was bitchy to people - my mom - my dogs - you name it - I was a bitch.  One of my mom's friends - Joanne (my adopted grandmother) - even told me I seemed stressed.  It's bad when others can pick up on your stress!  I even had a stress headache that made me throw up.  It's been awhile since I've had a headache like that.   

Now, the 24/7 frustration has mostly subsided (thankfully!) and I'm just feeling lonely and sad.  I miss talking to my mom - like my typical mom.  I haven't had a good mom talk since before Christmas.  Almost 3 full months of not really having my mom to talk to.  A full month and a few days of mom having brain cancer.  BRAIN CANCER....life is unfair.   I'm so jealous of my friends that don't experience any pain or hardships.   I also look at them and think "you truly have no fucking idea how lucky you really are..." How awful is that?  Not that I would wish this upon anyone...I'm just bitter that my life has dealt me the cards it has. 

I'm sad sitting here in her house without her.  Since Leo died - being in the house has been a little sad. Now - both of them aren't here.  It's pretty awful...

It's cold and windy here.  The sun is hardly ever out.  Ready for Spring.  Ready for warmth and sun.  Ready for laughter and happiness.  Ready for open windows and not gloves and 10 layers of clothes.  Ready for my mom's radiation treatment to be over.  Ready to see if the tumor starts shrinking.  Ready to hug my mom.  Ready to just hold her hand and not have to immediately run to wash my hands because of how radio-active she is.  Ready for my mom to be home living independently.  Ready to wake up from this truly awful nightmare - in Nashville - in my OWN BED! 

There are so many - "what if's" and "wait and see" I can't stand it.  My mind is constantly wondering and anticipating the future.  I'm driving myself crazy. 

A note of fun: this coming Wednesday I have plans with mom's friend, Sandy and her daughter.  Her daughter is my age - and apparently we are a lot of like.  A social event!  It will be GLORIOUS!

This picture is by Andy Rogers - Sandy's husband.  It's Sandy, myself and Andrew.  We called this our "regina turner is out of ICU celebration" at SteinHaus.

I don't want to go back.

There I said it.  I'm the worst daughter ever - I don't want to go back to MI. 

I've been in Nashville for almost a week.  It didn't really feel "normal" until Friday.  Of course, I was still making and receiving phone calls on behalf of my mom, but it was under 5.  It was quiet day.

Today (Saturday) none.  NONE!  It's been amazing. 

Nashville also gifted me with amazing weather on Friday and today.  The high was 75 with a very bright sun - I had lunch outside with a friend.  Took the dogs on a very long walk.  Started day dreaming about the flowers I wanted to plant this spring...only to be interrupted with the reminder that I'm going back to MI tomorrow.  Will I even be here to plant flowers?  Who will water them? 

I had a half day for myself today.  The other half has been dedicated to my mom. 

I wish the drive wasn't 9 hours.  I wish I wasn't returning to a place that is freezing.  I don't want to see snow on the ground.  I don't want to deal with my dogs at my mom's house.  I wish my mom didn't have cancer.  I wish I was staying in Nashville.  I really wish my mom didn't have cancer. 

However, this past week has also shown me how difficult it is to be a caretaker 645 miles away.  It has shown me how supported I am in MI.  I think I'm handling things so well...because I'm supported by endless number of people who love my mom and in turn love me.  Down here - I feel very alone.  The only people I can relate to right now are people my mother's age.  I'm an old soul, but not that old!  It's because they have had to be a care-taker for one of their parents.  Without these people's presence in my daily life - I felt myself start to have higher levels of anxiety.   There is just no way I would be able to be in Nashville very long.  I just need to come to terms with this. 

I talked to my coworker, Katie, who had a very similar situation 10 years ago - and she said "when I did this for my mom, it was so hard and exhausting - but I have absolutely no regret."  That has stuck with me.  Even during my semi tantrum state of not wanting to leave my house...I do know that I want to take the best care of my mom...because I want her around.  When people tell me I need to find balance - they haven't been in my situation.  It's impossible to find balance.  I don't know what will happen at the end of all this.  No one does...no one really knows when their end date is...but with whatever happens with my mom's life...I will have zero regrets. 

-Kathryn-

I'm back...

Life was FINALLY starting to feel normal.  I was able to think about Leo all the time without crying.  I was starting to have the desire to be social.  I was at a point where I wanted to take care of myself - emotionally and physically - because I was going to make 2013 "my bitch."  However, 2013 had other plans.

This story started when Leo died.  A natural side effect of losing someone is depression.  My mom's depression scared me.  The past few months - she seemed to dive back into a deep depression.  The past few months - she had started complaining of neck pain, dizziness, headaches, etc.  I honestly just thought she didn't want to feel fine - so she was creating sickness in her mind to allow herself to feel sick.  I'm a bitch.  I was out in CA for Tracy's wedding - and the day of the wedding I received WEIRD messages from my mom: "if i die - you get everything."  "all my important papers are on my desk."  "I love you, please don't be scared." "I'm sorry if something happens to me." 

My response was simply, "why are you planning something?"  I was mad that she had "interrupted" my trip with the weird messages.  Even after the wedding - I kind of blamed her for my lack of letting go while I was at the wedding.   I was mad that she had allowed herself to be this depressed - to talk to me like this. 

I was back from SF - that Monday - I called her friends to talk about her "state."  We were all in agreement that something very strange was going on with her.  Mom wouldn't call people back - her and I hadn't talked on the phone since the new year - our correspondence had been via text message.  I was one of the lucky ones to even get a response via text.  We were talking about a sort of intervention. 

During the multiple phone calls on Monday, I found out my mom was heading to the ER because she was feeling like she had a stroke.  Again, my thoughts raged back to the "she just hates life - she is creating this reality..."  Someone even suggested that she was going to various doctors, hospitals to shop for pills.

Monday 2/10 - my mom was at the hospital having test done - they admitted her at night and Tuesday morning during a CT scan a huge, nasty fucking tumor was found in the brainstem.  She sent me an email - which I received at work.  Maybe it was shock - but I didn't have a reaction immediately.  My reaction came when I called her and heard her voice.  She sounded like she had a stroke - that fucker in her brain was making her entire left side have stroke like symptoms.  I left work to get ready to drive to MI the following morning and have been here since. 

The brainstem tumor is so deeply seated in her brain - they are not able to operate it.  The hospital was looking for the primary source of the tumor - so she had all sorts of test done to her.  On my drive up - they found a tumor in the front left lope of her brain and she was being scheduled for brain surgery that Friday.

I'll share more about the last few weeks later, but what I learned is the location of the brainstem tumor causes depression.  The front lope tumor can cause personality changes.  Mom's symptoms - were identical to someone suffering from depression.  I wanted her to be crazy depressed...not to have brain cancer. 

Now I'm on a new journey....a journey where I'm the caretaker of my 52 year old mom with brain cancer.