What a fantastic combination...
Last night I went out with someone I knew from college. I have seen her around Nashville for the last few years, but never really talked about hanging out. At a wedding this past March, we started talking and realized how alike our lives were - we immediately said we had to hang out. Sure, it took a month or two - but we made plans this week to grab a beer - and it turned into drinks and a dinner. We went the Pharmacy - and i love it. I love this little charming place that is literally in my neighborhood!
This friend has been through hell this year. The situation she went and is still going through - had me in tears. We were sitting at the bar - drinking and eating - talking about the past year of our lives - crying. There is just something comforting to be with someone my age - who is single - and had the worst year of their lives. Sick, right?
This next month is going to be tough. My brother left for bootcamp yesterday. By the way, John Lucas called him. The love that John and Carol - Brenda and Allan immediately have shown to Andrew and I - is something I'll always be grateful for. It brings tears to my eyes to know how much they are supporting Andrew through this - just like Leo would have. I can't believe he is there right now - I want an hourly update...
This weekend or next - I'm going to Chattanooga to help my grandparents pack up to move into an assisted living home. They are moving closer to my dad - and it's going to make visits more complicated, but necessary. They will be moving in 3 weekends - so there is a lot to do. old people...
Mom got a horrible email from some horrible people. I am not going to fully disclose the contents on the internet - but lets just say I was livid this morning...this same issue keeps arising and I want it to stop. I guess this is our version of fighting over a will or for "Leo's things."
If it is not one thing, it's another. (yes, I do realize I sound like a 75 year old...) The more that I experience life - the more the quote "No two persons ever read the same book," makes sense. However, I do know along the way - I pick up (or already have) people who at least can see the book from my perspective. It really makes all the difference...
I'm just in a grateful mood - and it's nice - plus my TV boyfriend is back! Jon Stewart, please don't ever go away for two weeks ever again. :)
Kathryn
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
the kite runner
I'm about a decade late on reading this book. Goodness, I loved it. Once I got past the first few chapters - the times I sat down to read the book - I couldn't put it down. I cried in about three or four different parts of the book. It was gripping, heartbreaking/tragic, vivid, uncomfortable - even beautiful. There are very few things that I love more than a great book.
There are two specific parts in the book that I felt specifically drawn to. 1. When Amir's father Baba dies and 2. the ending - when Amir and Sohrab were running a kite together. The passages below specifically:
I'm officially on the bandwagon :)
I might add that kites were one of Leo's favorite things to play with on a windy day...I have many memories of flying kites with him on the shores of a few Great Lakes.
xox,
Kathryn
There are two specific parts in the book that I felt specifically drawn to. 1. When Amir's father Baba dies and 2. the ending - when Amir and Sohrab were running a kite together. The passages below specifically:
"Listening to them, I realize how much of who I was, what I was, had been defined by Baba and the marks he had left on people's lives. My whole life, I had been "Baba's son." Now he was gone. Baba couldn't show me the way anymore; I'd have to find it on my own. The thought of it terrified me."
"It was only a smile, nothing more. It didn't make everything all right. It didn't make anything all right. Only a smile. A tiny thing. A leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird's flight. But I'll take it. With open arms. Because when spring comes, it melts the snow one flake at a time, and maybe I just witnessed the first flake melting. I ran.....I ran"
I'm officially on the bandwagon :)
I might add that kites were one of Leo's favorite things to play with on a windy day...I have many memories of flying kites with him on the shores of a few Great Lakes.
xox,
Kathryn
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Well, I did it...
I survived the first anniversary.
I took today off from work, which I think was a very good decision. My day started with Miki taking me to my car. I was happy to start my morning with spending a little time with her. She is by far one of my most favorite people.
When I got home - I had posted a picture of the 4 of us (mom, leo, JAT and myself) on facebook and lost it - I was sobbing. I kept replaying the day I found out. I'll never forget that day....
Mom was posting audio clips from his memorial service - and I listened to mine again. There is nothing I would change - and I would still say the same words if I had to talk tomorrow. It was at the end of my talk - that I realized I had a decision to make about today. Stay inside - cry and be depressed all day or go out for a long walk with the dogs - get lunch out - sit at a park, read, get sun, run errands. Thankfully, I picked the latter - being out helped tremendously. I have a new love and it's walking. It helps clear my head unlike anything else.
When I got home from my day, mom had posted "I'll see you in my dreams," the version by 3 of the members of the orchestra. This song was played at the end of every event/memorial service/etc. Nothing makes me think of Leo more...and I'm so glad I have the audio file...but it just hurts listening to it.
I really can't believe its been a year. Part of me feels like this is a huge hurdle to jump over - and after this - I've already experienced the "first without Leo..." so life should start to be normal and easier. I SHOULD be able to talk about him without crying, i SHOULD be missing him less...
The reality is - I am still grieving. Those things I mentioned above are easier - but the pain and hurt have just become apart of me and are bearable at this point. I don't think it will ever go away. It's unbelievable that it has been a year. I never imagine I would miss someone so deeply...
Andy Rogers wrote "It's been a very quiet year without Leo." under a picture of Leo.
That is perfect.
I'll see you in my dreams, Leo xox,
Kathryn
I took today off from work, which I think was a very good decision. My day started with Miki taking me to my car. I was happy to start my morning with spending a little time with her. She is by far one of my most favorite people.
When I got home - I had posted a picture of the 4 of us (mom, leo, JAT and myself) on facebook and lost it - I was sobbing. I kept replaying the day I found out. I'll never forget that day....
Mom was posting audio clips from his memorial service - and I listened to mine again. There is nothing I would change - and I would still say the same words if I had to talk tomorrow. It was at the end of my talk - that I realized I had a decision to make about today. Stay inside - cry and be depressed all day or go out for a long walk with the dogs - get lunch out - sit at a park, read, get sun, run errands. Thankfully, I picked the latter - being out helped tremendously. I have a new love and it's walking. It helps clear my head unlike anything else.
When I got home from my day, mom had posted "I'll see you in my dreams," the version by 3 of the members of the orchestra. This song was played at the end of every event/memorial service/etc. Nothing makes me think of Leo more...and I'm so glad I have the audio file...but it just hurts listening to it.
I really can't believe its been a year. Part of me feels like this is a huge hurdle to jump over - and after this - I've already experienced the "first without Leo..." so life should start to be normal and easier. I SHOULD be able to talk about him without crying, i SHOULD be missing him less...
The reality is - I am still grieving. Those things I mentioned above are easier - but the pain and hurt have just become apart of me and are bearable at this point. I don't think it will ever go away. It's unbelievable that it has been a year. I never imagine I would miss someone so deeply...
Andy Rogers wrote "It's been a very quiet year without Leo." under a picture of Leo.
That is perfect.
I'll see you in my dreams, Leo xox,
Kathryn
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
"tonight made me believe rock 'n' roll is not dead"
The quote above is from Hayden after Alabama Shakes and Jack White at the Ryman. He is my newest buddy. He is someone that I would have never imagine to get along with so well, but if anything, this is a lesson to truly be myself around people. I've kind of known him for about 4 years - but it's only been recent that we have hung out a few times.
Last night was one a highlight of the last few months. Easily. Hayden offered to cook dinner before the show. Of course, "Mr. I have a Facebook page called FoodPorn101 because I love cooking," I will come over and let you feed me. The meal was amazing. It was as if Leo has prepared the meal for me - which while I was standing in Hayden's kitchen - I found myself getting teary when I was telling him how helpless I was in the kitchen with Leo. How I loved nothing more than just sitting back and watching him cook, but of course now, I regret not learning this skill from him. Thankfully, any good chef is totally preoccupied with his/her meal - he had no idea that I was fighting tears.
This is what he made: Prosciutto wrapped sea scallops lying on a bed of leafy greens from the garden with sun-dried tomatoes, kalamata olives and red onion. It is all dressed with feta and a homemade red wine vinaigrette. The picture is his too - but I stole it. Thanks FB! Yum!
After dinner, we left for the Ryman. The show...wow. WOW. I want to sound old for a second...it was loud. But good lord - it was a hell of a show. I honestly believe that Hayden's quote summed it up perfectly. I just had a great night...a few drinks...great company and music. It's pretty hard to have a bad night with those variables.
However, I did have a little hiccup in my night. Apparently my car's battery voltage (whatever that means) had dwindled and that caused my fog lights to stay on. Oh, okay...the car is like a year old...I shouldn't be having these issues! I was up until 2am trying to figure out how to turn the lights off. I looked in the fuse box - which note to self 'if you have been drinking - don't try to turn into a mechanic.' It was a little annoying having to deal with this car stuff - especially when I thought I was financially responsible for the bill (it's still under warranty so my cost is very little - thankfully) - but it's turned out okay. Another friend was finding some joy out of my night. It was purely based on jealously since he didn't go to the show, but he said this: "Life is one giant smile followed by a bitch slap." Genius.
I love it. It's true and funny - it's incredible. That's what last night was...a giant smile followed by a mild bitch slap.
I am most thankful that I had a fantastic time last night. I'm thankful that I laughed a lot - had a great meal, listened to great live music - because tomorrow comes the 1 year anniversary of the biggest bitch slap I've ever experienced. Last night helped break up my anticipation, dread and constant thoughts about tomorrow.
I'd be lying if it wasn't on my mind most of today. I keep thinking about my life exactly a year ago from today. Trying to remember what life was like with Leo alive...what my life was like without this constant pain and ache in my heart. It was a year ago today...I was sick, home from work...Leo was still alive and my life was "normal." As I'm writing this post - in exactly 11 hours - I will have received that phone call. I have a really hard time pinpointing what I'm feeling. I guess, to put it simply, my emotions are erratic.
However, as I'm sorting out the storm in my heart and head - the one thing that will always remain true - is that I love and miss Leo tremendously.
xox
Kathryn
Last night was one a highlight of the last few months. Easily. Hayden offered to cook dinner before the show. Of course, "Mr. I have a Facebook page called FoodPorn101 because I love cooking," I will come over and let you feed me. The meal was amazing. It was as if Leo has prepared the meal for me - which while I was standing in Hayden's kitchen - I found myself getting teary when I was telling him how helpless I was in the kitchen with Leo. How I loved nothing more than just sitting back and watching him cook, but of course now, I regret not learning this skill from him. Thankfully, any good chef is totally preoccupied with his/her meal - he had no idea that I was fighting tears.
This is what he made: Prosciutto wrapped sea scallops lying on a bed of leafy greens from the garden with sun-dried tomatoes, kalamata olives and red onion. It is all dressed with feta and a homemade red wine vinaigrette. The picture is his too - but I stole it. Thanks FB! Yum!
After dinner, we left for the Ryman. The show...wow. WOW. I want to sound old for a second...it was loud. But good lord - it was a hell of a show. I honestly believe that Hayden's quote summed it up perfectly. I just had a great night...a few drinks...great company and music. It's pretty hard to have a bad night with those variables.
However, I did have a little hiccup in my night. Apparently my car's battery voltage (whatever that means) had dwindled and that caused my fog lights to stay on. Oh, okay...the car is like a year old...I shouldn't be having these issues! I was up until 2am trying to figure out how to turn the lights off. I looked in the fuse box - which note to self 'if you have been drinking - don't try to turn into a mechanic.' It was a little annoying having to deal with this car stuff - especially when I thought I was financially responsible for the bill (it's still under warranty so my cost is very little - thankfully) - but it's turned out okay. Another friend was finding some joy out of my night. It was purely based on jealously since he didn't go to the show, but he said this: "Life is one giant smile followed by a bitch slap." Genius.
I love it. It's true and funny - it's incredible. That's what last night was...a giant smile followed by a mild bitch slap.
I am most thankful that I had a fantastic time last night. I'm thankful that I laughed a lot - had a great meal, listened to great live music - because tomorrow comes the 1 year anniversary of the biggest bitch slap I've ever experienced. Last night helped break up my anticipation, dread and constant thoughts about tomorrow.
I'd be lying if it wasn't on my mind most of today. I keep thinking about my life exactly a year ago from today. Trying to remember what life was like with Leo alive...what my life was like without this constant pain and ache in my heart. It was a year ago today...I was sick, home from work...Leo was still alive and my life was "normal." As I'm writing this post - in exactly 11 hours - I will have received that phone call. I have a really hard time pinpointing what I'm feeling. I guess, to put it simply, my emotions are erratic.
However, as I'm sorting out the storm in my heart and head - the one thing that will always remain true - is that I love and miss Leo tremendously.
xox
Kathryn
Sunday, May 13, 2012
the anticipation of May 17th
It's horrible. I shift through an enraged - to a deeply sadden - to happy - to even keel 30 year old (oh my god - that's the first time I called myself that...sigh...) within any given hour.
I think it's the reflection of this past year that is hurting my heart the most. May 17th won't really different than today or a month ago. Yes, it's the year marker of Leo dying, but I won't miss him more or less on 5/17/12. I think the hardest thing I'm dealing with is my remembrance and reflection of this past year.
It was hard. Very hard. If I can count the struggles I had the few months before Leo died - I could really count the hardship spanning over a year and a half or even more...
I've learned a lot. I've learned some hard and good lessons. I learned who my true friends are - who I can trust with my tears. I had one friend stand by me through it all. Through my "life sucks" moments, my endless amount of tears and horrible outlook on life...Thank you Tracy :). However, with this relationship discovery, it left me feeling so alone. Within that loneliness, I've learned a lot about myself. With this has come some sort of awkward strength and perspective on life. I survived this past year - right now -I am pretty certain I can survive anything. I was in a dark place - and while I had some awareness when I was there - it is only now I can see how depressed I truly was. I hate to admit it, but thoughts of dying were not uncommon.
However, now, I'm okay. I might not be fully back to Kathryn pre-Leo dying, but I honestly don't think I ever will be. This event rocked my core. I'm still trying to figure out myself after this life-altering event, but I know Leo would hate that I am not out living life. If anything, this time of reflection has led me to a place of "I want/need things to be different." Meaning, I want to enjoy life. I want to find new friends in Nashville who are similar. I want to be healthy mentally and physically. I want to read more. I want to continue learning. Get back to being obsessed with politics :).
Sure, I can and will always miss Leo. Tears won't be absent either, but in the midst of those tears, I can still be living life. Living is something that I have really missed during the last 1.5 years...
4 days and counting,
Kathryn
I think it's the reflection of this past year that is hurting my heart the most. May 17th won't really different than today or a month ago. Yes, it's the year marker of Leo dying, but I won't miss him more or less on 5/17/12. I think the hardest thing I'm dealing with is my remembrance and reflection of this past year.
It was hard. Very hard. If I can count the struggles I had the few months before Leo died - I could really count the hardship spanning over a year and a half or even more...
I've learned a lot. I've learned some hard and good lessons. I learned who my true friends are - who I can trust with my tears. I had one friend stand by me through it all. Through my "life sucks" moments, my endless amount of tears and horrible outlook on life...Thank you Tracy :). However, with this relationship discovery, it left me feeling so alone. Within that loneliness, I've learned a lot about myself. With this has come some sort of awkward strength and perspective on life. I survived this past year - right now -I am pretty certain I can survive anything. I was in a dark place - and while I had some awareness when I was there - it is only now I can see how depressed I truly was. I hate to admit it, but thoughts of dying were not uncommon.
However, now, I'm okay. I might not be fully back to Kathryn pre-Leo dying, but I honestly don't think I ever will be. This event rocked my core. I'm still trying to figure out myself after this life-altering event, but I know Leo would hate that I am not out living life. If anything, this time of reflection has led me to a place of "I want/need things to be different." Meaning, I want to enjoy life. I want to find new friends in Nashville who are similar. I want to be healthy mentally and physically. I want to read more. I want to continue learning. Get back to being obsessed with politics :).
Sure, I can and will always miss Leo. Tears won't be absent either, but in the midst of those tears, I can still be living life. Living is something that I have really missed during the last 1.5 years...
4 days and counting,
Kathryn
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Happy 30th - KT.
It's amazing how one single thought/realize can make a good day turn to shit.
I woke up thinking "i'm thirty and have not accomplished anything that I thought I would have by now..." However, I quickly changed my thoughts and focused on what I have done "I own a house and keep up with it; I have two dogs that are healthy and happy pups; I have maintained a job; I've lived through the death of a parent; I'm becoming more comfortable with myself...."
If there is anything I have learned - it's all about perspective. If I constantly focus on the bad - I will live in the state of negativity. Once there - it's really hard to come out.
I usually take my birthday off from work, but decided against it this year. Mostly because of my lesson learned from paid time off last year. I wasn't dreading it - my coworkers are fantastic. I adore the girls at work. I walked in and they had decorated my desk, made cupcakes, brought in snacks, we went out to lunch and sat in the sun, we laughed, Sara brought her new baby Charlie and I got to cuddle him while he slept in my arms, more laughter - it was great!
Tracy sent me the most beautiful flowers...it's funny to think that a girl friend is setting the bar SUPER high when it comes to delivered flowers. My poor future...he might have some words with her later down the road :). love her.
It was a great day. Honestly. Turning 30 isn't going to be the end of the world!
I got home - did my nightly stuff - to suddenly realized I hadn't heard from this one person. Suddenly my day had turned to shit. What will I remember? That I cried while pouring a bowl of cereal for dinner - only to realize the milk is spoiled - so I ended up baking a piece of chicken. fantastic. I'll remember the feeling, yet again, of not being important enough to receive a phone call. The feeling of "what else can I do to make you care..."
I'm just disappointed. I'm going to go to bed disappointed and hurt - where I should be going to bed happy.
I feel silly getting so upset...but on a birthday...it's one of the only times I expect the effort from someone else. I should not have to call to solicit a "happy birthday"...
More importantly, I wanted one day - just one day - where I didn't cry, think about Leo, be sad about Leo, be disappointed with my life, etc...and now I'm having a huge horrible tidal wave of emotions. And am just sitting in a pool of negativity. It was also the first b-day in 16 years that he wasn't here to wish me a happy birthday.
Thank god the day is almost over...this is why I wanted to skip today.
However, tomorrow when I wake up, I'll be able to start with a new perspective (hopefully).
-Kathryn-
I woke up thinking "i'm thirty and have not accomplished anything that I thought I would have by now..." However, I quickly changed my thoughts and focused on what I have done "I own a house and keep up with it; I have two dogs that are healthy and happy pups; I have maintained a job; I've lived through the death of a parent; I'm becoming more comfortable with myself...."
If there is anything I have learned - it's all about perspective. If I constantly focus on the bad - I will live in the state of negativity. Once there - it's really hard to come out.
I usually take my birthday off from work, but decided against it this year. Mostly because of my lesson learned from paid time off last year. I wasn't dreading it - my coworkers are fantastic. I adore the girls at work. I walked in and they had decorated my desk, made cupcakes, brought in snacks, we went out to lunch and sat in the sun, we laughed, Sara brought her new baby Charlie and I got to cuddle him while he slept in my arms, more laughter - it was great!
Tracy sent me the most beautiful flowers...it's funny to think that a girl friend is setting the bar SUPER high when it comes to delivered flowers. My poor future...he might have some words with her later down the road :). love her.
It was a great day. Honestly. Turning 30 isn't going to be the end of the world!
I got home - did my nightly stuff - to suddenly realized I hadn't heard from this one person. Suddenly my day had turned to shit. What will I remember? That I cried while pouring a bowl of cereal for dinner - only to realize the milk is spoiled - so I ended up baking a piece of chicken. fantastic. I'll remember the feeling, yet again, of not being important enough to receive a phone call. The feeling of "what else can I do to make you care..."
I'm just disappointed. I'm going to go to bed disappointed and hurt - where I should be going to bed happy.
I feel silly getting so upset...but on a birthday...it's one of the only times I expect the effort from someone else. I should not have to call to solicit a "happy birthday"...
More importantly, I wanted one day - just one day - where I didn't cry, think about Leo, be sad about Leo, be disappointed with my life, etc...and now I'm having a huge horrible tidal wave of emotions. And am just sitting in a pool of negativity. It was also the first b-day in 16 years that he wasn't here to wish me a happy birthday.
Thank god the day is almost over...this is why I wanted to skip today.
However, tomorrow when I wake up, I'll be able to start with a new perspective (hopefully).
-Kathryn-
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
What would have been year 7
May 9th is Mom and Leo's anniversary (married anniversary - they were together like a decade before they took the official paperwork route).
Let the count-down begin...reminder after reminder for the next few weeks.
I can survive this...I have too...
look at the last thing Leo posted on Facebook...
Let the count-down begin...reminder after reminder for the next few weeks.
I can survive this...I have too...
look at the last thing Leo posted on Facebook...
Thursday, May 3, 2012
please tell me the panic is not back!
I had what felt like a tiny panic attack today. It had been months and months since I've had one. Why today? It was a bad day. I went out with my friend Randi last night - and it was great! However, we talked about friends, Leo, life...I held back my tears many times throughout the night. I have discovered when I do this...they build up and the next time I cry...it's like a dam broke. Anyway, today...the typical stuff ...then I get a call from my dad.
My dad wanted to know what my plans were with going up to MI - bringing my dogs to them, etc. I can't settle my thoughts to logically make a plan...I didn't have an answer yet. Immediately frustrated, I started to unloaded my day to him. I wanted to see if he wanted to meet at my granny's for mothers day - I can give him my dogs - see granny, etc. That was when he told me that she had fallen 2 times this week. The last time, she was outside and tried yelling for help. However, no one heard her - so she crawled back to the house and called 911. literally breaks my heart. I was hoping the knee surgery would have helped her.
Dad couldn't give me many of the details, because he was walking into an independent living place. I immediately broke down and since have been feeling super panicky. Now, I realize why my dad was trying to figure out what my plans were, because Granny and Papa might be moving soon. I don't think they would be able to care for my insane dogs while they deal with this.
My dad is an only child - and there really isn't one else besides me, dad, carol and andrew for my grandparents. Of course, I will go down and help them move and pack up. However, this might prevent me from going to MI...I really am at a loss at what to do. The fact that I need to make a decision soon is just adding more stress. However, this is assuming that my grandparents will be moving within the next few weeks. If it's not within the next few weeks - I do know it is coming soon...
I'm frustrated at myself for not being able to handle this...to resort to crying. It doesn't solve anything and makes me feel like shit the rest of the evening. It's hard not to cry when this anniversary is approaching...just 2 weeks away :(...I miss him - a ton. But, at least I'm not alone...
My dad wanted to know what my plans were with going up to MI - bringing my dogs to them, etc. I can't settle my thoughts to logically make a plan...I didn't have an answer yet. Immediately frustrated, I started to unloaded my day to him. I wanted to see if he wanted to meet at my granny's for mothers day - I can give him my dogs - see granny, etc. That was when he told me that she had fallen 2 times this week. The last time, she was outside and tried yelling for help. However, no one heard her - so she crawled back to the house and called 911. literally breaks my heart. I was hoping the knee surgery would have helped her.
Dad couldn't give me many of the details, because he was walking into an independent living place. I immediately broke down and since have been feeling super panicky. Now, I realize why my dad was trying to figure out what my plans were, because Granny and Papa might be moving soon. I don't think they would be able to care for my insane dogs while they deal with this.
My dad is an only child - and there really isn't one else besides me, dad, carol and andrew for my grandparents. Of course, I will go down and help them move and pack up. However, this might prevent me from going to MI...I really am at a loss at what to do. The fact that I need to make a decision soon is just adding more stress. However, this is assuming that my grandparents will be moving within the next few weeks. If it's not within the next few weeks - I do know it is coming soon...
I'm frustrated at myself for not being able to handle this...to resort to crying. It doesn't solve anything and makes me feel like shit the rest of the evening. It's hard not to cry when this anniversary is approaching...just 2 weeks away :(...I miss him - a ton. But, at least I'm not alone...
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