Happy Birthday, Leo!

Today has been tough...actually really tough.  Today is the first day in awhile that I have had zero motivation - crying off and on - feeling really depressed kind of day.  Experiencing these feelings is making me realized how long I was constantly living in this state.  I can say that I am thankful this is not a daily struggle...

It was a beautiful day in Nashville - the sun was OUT - it was warmer, but all I wanted to do was watch TV and lay around.  I will be honest...some days I have to fight my temptation to lay around...but I usually win that fight.  I make sure to take a walk - or clean up my house - do laundry...do something productive. However, today I didn't fight and literally am still in my PJs. 

Today is Leo's birthday - he would have been 59. 

I'm very surprised by how difficult this "first" has been for me. 

I love Tracy...she literally has been one of my only "safe people" through this.   "safe people" meaning I trust her when I cry, to share my deepest thoughts, I know she listens, etc.   Tracy sent me this text today - I'm so lucky to have her as a friend...

"Thinking about you today..he was such a good man that should be celebrating another year today!  Wish I could take you to brunch or just hang out!  Love you!" 

Speaking of sweet messages...here are some facebook messages on Leo's page:

"I celebrate your birth today!  It is a better place because you were here."

"Just framed this today (the Bijou print). Celebrating the Bijou Orchestra and Leo M Najar who I loved and will always remember. Happy Birthday Leo!"

"Leo thought it was important to celebrate birthdays. Today I celebrate YOUR birth, my friend, and am thankful and blessed to have known you."

"Happy Birthday Dear Leo. We miss you."

"Happy Birthday to my beloved friend Leo. Your kindness towards people was the thing that always led me to want to always be friends with you. I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM YOU...AND I KNOW THIS NOW....HEAVEN IS LUCKY TO HAVE YOU. I MISS YOU MY FRIEND.............................Love to you and your family, Jeff"

"My love, I celebrate your birth today and thank God for bringing you into my life. I'll love you until the end of my days. Until we meet again..." - this is my mom :(.  

He was a remarkable man...that I'll always love and feel extremely lucky to be able to call my parent...

Happy Birthday Leo - xox!

Kathryn

Suppose Time

Suppose time is a circle, that bends back around.
At night, they walk home the alleys of this town
caressing every moment like a jewel they've just newly found.

Traders don't know they will make that same deal again,
politicans don't know they will shout that same line again.
Parents don't know they will hear their child's first laugh again.

Lovers making love the first time, so shy:
surprised at the fragile nipple, the supple thigh.
How would they remember each touch, each glimpse, each sigh?

From a soft, sterile bed, sunken cheeks and withered skin,
she kisses him softly, whispers goodbye again,
certain this time is the last.  But how could she know...

                                   **

...that time will begin again, she will be born again,
study at gymnasium, show her paiting in Zurich.
Again she'll meet her husband, and they'll go sailing on a warm day in July.

She will give birth again, he'll go to work again,
come home from the pharmaceutical with a lump in his throat,
again he will get weak and end up in this room, in this bed.

Suppose time is a circle, every handshake, every word,
all will be repeated, every kiss, every birth.
And everything now happening has happened now a million times before.



These are the lyrics to the one song that makes me tear up EVERY TIME i listen to Einstein's Dream.  Randall composed most of the music and wrote all the lyrics - which are adapted from the novel Einstein's Dreams - by Alan Lightman.  Leo wrote the music for a few songs - but did all the orchestral arrangements.  This CD is one of Leo's last great gifts to the world.  How lucky I am that every time I listen to or think about it - I feel a deep connection to him...  It's a gift that doesn't go away...

god - I miss him.  Here are some pictures (by Andy Rogers) from the premiere of Einstein's Dreams in Bay City, MI...

I love this picture...Randall and Leo have a look of pure joy. 

amazing.

Allan Lightman, Randall Williams and Leo. 

The entire orchestra.

-Kathryn-

a weird, weird day

I know that "normalcy" is fleeting.  I don't know what my normal state is anymore...I can have a great morning followed by an awful evening.  I can have a few days of feeling good/normal - then wake up with this pit in my stomach.  I even wrote about my approach to this "normal feeling" ...that I'm doing so with a lot of caution...and rightfully so. 

Since Sunday - I have been waking up feeling nausea and anxious.  I had reasons for the last two mornings - on Sunday I was nervous about meeting someone.  Then Monday - I blamed it on my glass of wine before I met this person and my margarita I had out - oh, and the lack of sleep due to bad weather.  However, today, I was at a loss as to why I woke up with the feeling.  It kind of hit me when I was getting ready...it's Leo's birthday this Sunday.  Another first - the first time I'm not sending a card - or calling him. 

The anticipation for these "firsts" is beyond dreadful.  I get so worked up about them a week or so before...thinking about the event consumes my mind/thoughts...then the day happens...and it's okay.  It passes and I survive.  I have gone through enough firsts to know that I will make it through the day...but that doesn't help.  I wish his birthday didn't fall on a weekend this year - if I was at work - there is plenty of distractions. 

It's not news that I have anxiety in certain situations or when my day is stressful.  Bless Tracy's heart - she has had to talk me from numerous panic attacks - and this past Sunday - I was in tears because of many reason.  In the moment - I know I'm being ridiculous - but I can't help to feel overwhelmed.  Tonight, I had a similar experience.  

I have had dental drama for over a year now.  Every time I go in...the 45 minute appointment turns into hours.  Prime example - today's appointment.  I was there from 2 - 5:10.  oh my god.  I was so annoyed that I was getting home an hour later than normal - that I wouldn't be able to walk my dogs - and that I had an entire house full of feathers that still needed to be cleaned up.  Lets not forget about the pain I was in...

However - I got home - mostly pick up all the feathers - cook dinner - did laundry - then was able to relax and watch SOTU.  I love politics - and tonight is essentially my Oscar's night.  When it's the SOTU - I usually play Bingo/take notes.  Tonight - I just took notes and paired it it with half a bottle of wine.  Half a bottle of wine - is probably the main reason why I was relaxed and forgot about all the stressful aspects to my day.   Wine and loving politics will always help!  I just can't help but smile when I see the First Lady and Joe Biden! 

Kathryn

coffee

For over 8 months now - Leo's Anthropologie "L" mug has been wrapped in a box - sitting in my dining room.   Most of the gifts I got mom and Leo were a combo gift...but last year...I got them individual mugs from Anthro...see here...adorable right?

When I went back to MI for a month after he died - I brought all their gifts I had collected to mom.  Bottles of wine from Napa Valley, art, books, etc...I took mom her R mug...but left the L here in Nashville.  I struggled with my decision - do I leave the mug here in Nashville or give it to my mom?  I decided to leave it here...she has plenty of "things" to remind her of him...

So the mug is here in Nashville.  It's odd what things I want to "keep" - I kept the gift tag where I wrote "To: Leo  Love: Kathryn."  Not sure why really...maybe because it's the very last gift tag I'll ever write to him...not sure.

I was surprised by how easy it was for me to unwrap the box.  What wasn't easy was seeing "L."  Here is the mug...and I didn't mean for this to happen in the picture, but his tea-pot behind it (he had to buy mom a new since he messed this one up - but it's still fully functional - so I took it!)...and a few inches up...you would see his pepper grinder. 

I decided to drink my morning coffee out of it today.  I didn't cry all morning - a few tears did fall - but it wasn't my normal type of crying.  Here is the mug at the "coffee station" - which - I get nervous anytime that glass container gets low...something else I got from Mom and Leo :).

Speaking of "normal"...Tracy and I talked last night...and we talked about the Republican primary and politics in general - for awhile.  It was a good discussion.  I have been thinking about politics a lot lately.  I was telling her how excited it makes me...because it means that I'm starting to think and focus on something other than my grief.  Not that I'm "over it" or "moved on"...but I'm looking at it as if I'm figuring out who I am with Leo dying.  More like I'm getting used to this feeling...and still living...parts of me are coming back.

It feels good.  However, I am being careful to not get too familiar with this feeling.  I know that my wound is healing/forming a scab - but anything and everything can knock it back off and it could bleed for days.   Therefore, I approach this feeling with lots of caution. 

I LOVE a good cup of coffee.  Weekends are my favorite - because I take the time to enjoy it out of a mug.  Today, my mug had a L on it...for Leo.  I love him and would love nothing more to have one more cup of his coffee with him.  Actually, I blame my coffee dependancy on mom and Leo...

However, his influence was always for the good - and anyone who knows me - knows about my love for a good cup of coffee.

Thanks for all the wonderful cups of coffee Leo.

Kathryn

8 months.

My god.  how in the hell has it been 8 months?  It feels like yesterday I go the phone call...that phone call.  It had been weeks - even months since I had recalled that awful memory, but sadly I had a trigger a few days ago.  Someone I called had just received bad news from his family and had to call me back.  Immediately, I assumed the worst...and started playing my phone call over and over in my head.  I had to stop what I was doing and start cleaning.  Cleaning seems to be the only way to stop my mind...but I can't clean all day...and I've been thinking about my bad news phone call a lot the past few days. 

I am still struggling...I'm still heartbroken...I'm still crying.  I am still having a hard time grasping the fact that Leo was here on May 16 - then gone on the 17th.  Just gone.  No warning - no final goodbye - just gone.

I don't know how to say goodbye to him...I don't want to say goodbye.

I'm not ready...so I'll end it with the song we ended all of his memorial events with...

I miss you Leo.

MLK

MLK is one of my heroes...has been for years.  He was one of Leo's too.

Leo was the one to encouraged me to read some of King's work.  Looking back, I'm not surprised by this at all.  In his death, it has come to light - a bright beaming light - that Leo was very influential in my life.  Wanting me to learn - gain new perspectives, etc...

The song below is one of my favorites.  I remember when I saw Patty Griffin at the Ryman...she ended her show with this song...and I was blown away.   Listen to the words - it's from his last speech he delivered before he was killed.   I love who MLK was and what he represents.  If I could do a tiny fraction of what he did in his lifetime - I'd consider my life a great success.

Enjoy the song!

Just what I needed

I had a bad day accompanied with lots of tears.  I woke up to the most water I've ever seen in my backyard.  Which, to those non-dog owners - this might mean nothing...but those that are dog owners...it's one of the biggest annoyances.   I was already frustrated trying to convince the dogs they won't melt if they go outside - then getting myself ready and to work on time.

On my way to work, I called my mom to check on the status of the heat in her house.  She lives in Michigan - it's cold up there.  We were talking about the financial aspect of this...why stuff keeps happening...when is the break coming...then she made the comment of "if only Leo and I did estate plan..." then cut herself off to say "I just can't go there" then cried.  I hate seeing her go through this - I want to make it disappear - to put the burden on me...isn't it enough to deal with the loss of a husband?  Why is everything else happening?

What I'm about to say - I truly believe - my mom is one of the strongest people I know.  She lost both her parents by the time she was 19, lost a daughter, now a husband...and she is still here...still doing the best she can.  Still listening to my silly drama.  I told her she will make it through this - but this time - she is alone and doesn't have Leo.

Tonight - I had plans with my friend Mandy.  I love her...dearly.  I feel rejuvenated when we hang out.  She is one of the most lovely souls I know - and I'm really thankful that our paths are still crossing 10 years after we met.  It was nice to get out - to talk about how I feel and just have a friend (besides Tracy) listen.  To just let me cry - be sad - and ultimately - listen. 

Really listen to me.

Thanks for a great night Mandy Mann!

Kathryn

Pictures

Both my mom and I are organizing pictures.  This weekend I have been flooded with precious memories.  The memories stream from fun friends in high school - college - california - but most importantly - I've found some of Leo.  These memories have also brought many tears.  Over friendships that are not present, Leo, lack of excitement in my life...I want to rewind and go back when my life was simple...when I didn't wake up with this heartache. 

I plan to get a scanner soon - but the ones below are a few my mom has found.  Leo LOVED LOVED LOVED wind.  One of my favorite stories I recently heard - when mom and Leo lived on the Lake - they had friends over.  Leo wanted to walk to the beach to see what the wind was like by the water.  Apparently, they had to go searching for him - only to find him asleep on the beach - enjoying the wind.   Naturally,  flying a kite would be an enjoyable past time of his too :).  I've flown a kite with him a time or two...

This next picture...is one of my new favorites of Leo.  He looks so happy, relaxed...this is happy Leo...how I remember him.  I love all of these people on the boat with all of my heart.  Leo is with Brenda and Allan Brouillet - with their dog Harkin.  I can't put into words how much this picture warms my heart. 

-Kathryn-

"I can't listen to music..."

As I'm sitting here venturing into the world that Dvorak creates in Symphony #7 - something my mom said to me today is replaying over and over in my head.

"I can't listen to music anymore, it makes me too sad." 

I'm gravitating to it and my mom is fleeing from it.  It breaks my heart to think that her life is not filled with music anymore.  I know for certain it would break Leo's heart.

He is so missed - it's ridiculous.

I'm going to the Nashville Symphony tomorrow night and I'm a little nervous.  Can I handle it?  Will it make me cry?  Will I sit there the entire time thinking about Leo?  The ticket was only $20 total - so if I find myself not being able to contain myself - I can always leave.  I cried as a high school conductor conducted Christmas carols in the lobby of my office building...how will I sit through the Nashville Symphony - in that beautiful hall...Leo and I toured it...he was so impressed by it...especially the organ.    

I can do this...I want to go and not have a panic attack.  I want to go and not cry.  I want to enjoy the music and memories of Leo and not fall apart.  I know one day it will happen.  Until that day, I can just continue the best I can...

Kathryn

It's over!!!

2011 is finally over!  Being able to say that is something that brings a big smile to my face.

I have spent the last few days - not talking to anyone besides my mom.  My friend Kim tried to video chat me this weekend - but I sadly was outside and didn't hear the ringing.  I have realized how utterly alone I am.  This weekend was another reminder... It's awful and depressing.  I really don't have one girlfriend I can call to hang out or grab a beer.  I need that.   Especially now when all I feel is sad and angry.  I've been really teary about Leo this past week - I just can't wrap my head around him not being alive.  I miss him so much - I can literally feel the pain.  It's almost been 8 months - and the pain hasn't lessen.  It's nights like tonight where I'd love to be in a bar watching football - not crying on my couch.  One day...

Anyway,  since I had a lot of solo time to think - I have come up with small attainable goals for the upcoming year:

1. Read more - at least one book a month (however more is encouraged!)
2. Take a cooking class.
3. TRY to make new friends - and if I find one or two I click with - invest in them.
4. Limit my money I spend on lunches out to only $20 a month.  If you add up how much you spend on food - it's really sickening.  I spend a lot of money on lunches out.   However, dinner and being social is allow to exceed $20!
5. Tuck money away for a trip - I don't know where or when - but I want to travel somewhere - even if I go solo.  Maybe I'll go to London and see Simon.  Who knows..
6.  Get to work on time. 

Very small goals.  If I can't reach them - no big deal.  That's why they are "goals" :)  The easy way out...

Happy New Year!