such a little trigger...

It's beautiful in Nashville.  Simply beautiful.  It's the weather that makes me want to sit on a patio for hours and drink a beer or 4.  However, instead of potentially making those sort of plans...I had to come home and deal with house issues. 

I think the universe does this to any homeowner who gets a tax return.  The moment Uncle Sam gives you some cash back - something happens and/or breaks.  Last year - it was my plumbing and car.  This year...plumbing (again) and potential termites. 

Termites.  The dreaded word in the South.  We have horrible pests down here...but termites are those silent - unseen pest that can cause lots and lots of damage. 

I was getting my monthly pest control last week - and suddenly received a happy phone call from Rick.  He left me a voice message that said "Hi Kathryn!  This is Rick!  Jason told me you had potential termites - so call me back and we can take care of this."  Rick, you do not need to sound excited.  This is bad news for me...

Rick came out today - so I left work early.  After Rick is gone - I get my mail and have a card from mom.  It's my first holiday card that didn't include "& Leo." 

I immediately tell Tracy about it - and nothing I can do is able to hold back my tears.  When are these tiny reminders going to stop being so painful?  I am ready for the reminders to happen - and it breaks my heart - because I honestly do not think that will ever go away - but I'm ready for my first reaction to be something other than tears. 

Tracy brought up how it must have been hard/weird for my mom too.  Of course it was...I didn't even think beyond my sadness. 

I know the time will come when tears aren't my first reaction - but goodness - I'm ready for that day. 

It's almost been 11 months too.  11 months.  How, when, where did this year go? 

Love you Leo xox,
Kathryn

Missing him...

I have now passed the 10 month mark.

I miss him more than I ever thought imaginable.  What I would give for one more hour.

Mom was here this past weekend - I'll write a post for the weekend soon - but it was a great time.  Funny enough, Tracy summed it up perfectly when we finally were able to talk on gchat:

i was thinking about you all weekend...so excited they were there...but i just knew it would be hard too...i can imagine that you might feel lonelier once they are gone because you are reminded of what your missing.

So thankful I have one person in my life who understands how a visit from my mom can be painful at the same time.  Other people I've said this to - look at me like I'm crazy.  When I was home after they left - my house felt so empty.  My life felt so empty...

I will admit that I realize how "out of sight - out of mind" I can be with Leo.  Not that I don't think about him, but I feel like he is on vacation.  I feel like he will return any day now.  I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reality.  It's pretty awful...knowing the truth and my reality and having to play those thoughts against each other.  

Seeing Mom, Allan and Brenda - without Leo - has brought on an entire new wave of emotions this week.  He should have been here this past weekend.

I'm just really missing him.

xox Leo -

Kathryn

  

of course...

Do I jinx myself by expressing how I feel?  Because, yesterday was completely an emotional day.  I even opted to skip the Symphony last night.  Here are the series of events:

It was nasty in Nashville yesterday.  I have talked about how rain, my stress level, and my dogs - do not see eye to eye.  (by the end of my day - I had done two loads of towels in the washer - it was that muddy outside!)

Yesterday late afternoon - my mom sent me an email.  The email said this:


This is so crazy...I sent a message [to Leo] because I was feeling blue and this message showed up as a reply. It's a little message he sent me via FB about two years ago. My heart jumped out of my chest.

Here is the picture that was at the bottom of the email:

I was at work and it instantly brought tears to my eyes.  I was telling a friend on gchat that I didn't know if I was going to be able to attend the symphony that night.  This person wasn't very understanding - and didn't see why going would be difficult for me.   How could someone not understand how hard it is going to the symphony?  It was so frustrating to have to explain myself.  I had to make my situation comparable to a break up - and it annoyed me.  I think the message from mom, my frustration, the nasty day - all the emotions combined and I broke down at work.  

Last time I went to the symphony I was having an okay day, but I just sat there saying "Leo used to do this...Leo would love this...I wish I could talk to Leo about this..."  I knew that going last night wouldn't have been a good idea.  I knew that I would get emotional at the concert hall and I didn't want to experience that.  The same person on g-chat also said "it's okay to cry," but there is a difference between tearing up and having uncontrollable sobs.  Especially since I would be there by myself...it was a recipe for a horrible evening...

So I opted to stay home.  I think it was a good decision - there is no need to put myself in a situation that will make me more sad when I'm sad.  I talked to my mom about it - and she feels the same way.  I guess a lot of her friends want her to come see the band Leo used to direct - and it's just a painful reminder...why would she go?  That is how I felt about attending the symphony last night.

A week from today - my mom will be on her way to Nashville - yay!!!

Kathryn

the past month.

Where has the last month gone?  This blog feels like a friend that I haven't talked to in a long time.  I've missed expressing myself and just jotting down my feelings of the day....especially when they are about Leo.  It's good to see you old buddy!  (yes, I did just say that...)

I have been busier.  It's been nice - to have something actually going on in my life.  A few weeks ago - my brother in law came into town and it was a very welcomed break from my Nashville reality.  I had fun, laughed a lot, ate at my favorite greek place, went to the flea market, trader joes, saw live music, etc.  Having people in town and jam packing so many things into two days...reminds me how much I love Nashville.  It reminds me how many great things I have surrounding me - always something going on - always something to do.  It was a good reminder - especially - since I've been doing the "why am I here" thoughts...

My mom will be at my house in 8 days!  Goodness, I can't wait.  The way this visit got scheduled is wonderful.  Brenda sent me a message on facebook saying she was thinking about me and wondering how I was and if I was going to see Bill Maher while he was in Nashville.  I wrote back - the normal - then added how I was doing okay, but really worried about my mom.  I also told her that I wasn't going, because going to a standup event is not one I want to do solo.  She wrote back "we are worried too - what if we grabbed your mom and came down for Bill Maher?"  I remember reading that message in the vet's office and having to wipe tears away.  The kindness that I have been shown by a handful of people during this time after Leo's death is one of the only reasons I'm still standing (especially you Tracy!).  Anyway, we planned it - and they are coming!  Allan and Brenda will get my mom on Friday early morning and they will be here before dinner time!  YAY!!!  My brother is also going to come up...I can't wait.

I can't wait to have a house full of people I love.  To be surrounded by people I love for a joyous event.  We aren't getting together for another memorial service for Leo.  It does feel weird to think about mom coming down without him.  It still feels like he is just out of town.  I expect him to return in a few weeks - and life will be normal again.

I know this is lame, but about a week ago - I changed my facebook picture from the the last one I'll ever take with Leo - to one of me and the sister on the cruise.  I went back and forth about 5 or 6 times - went through a range of emotions changing the picture.  Sadness, happiness that I felt okay to change it, guilt.

I remember hearing from Esther and grief group that people experience guilt...example: "if I don't cry about that person today...it means I'm over them dying..."  I remember continuously telling Esther that I will never experience that emotion...but I have been flirting with guilt.  If I'm not okay - I can go down that road.  I'm floating into states of this being normal and missing him.  Before, I was in the state of missing, depression, remaining in the past.  Lately, I have been finding myself going a few days without crying.  But this doesn't mean my thoughts don't go to Leo all day long...because they do...i am just being able to make it through my day okay.   All I try to do is make it day to day - and I have been. 

Some of Leo's dearest people in his life will be together on the 9th month anniversary of death.  I'm so thankful I will have people here...those days always suck :).  

 Until next time...

Kathryn