Oh no,

two posts in one day. 

I am unbelievably sad tonight.  I don't know if it's the stress of the holidays - or the fact that another memorial just happened.  These events, while amazing and heart-warming, it also drop-kicks me back to the week he died. 

I just want to scream - I'm so mad.  I'm also so unbelievably sick of crying.  Who knew these many tears were able to fall...I would think I'd dry up soon.  Tonight - I want to be able to pick up the phone and call him.  But I can't.  I want to hear his voice - thank god mom hasn't changed his voice from their answering machine. 

My assignment from my therapist this week is to recall ways Leo showed affection to me.  Basically, how did I know Leo loved me - and what things I want in someone (assuming I get married).   I don't think I can do it - I've tried to think - I just can't.  Lately, I've been so sad - that it's hard to think of anything beyond my sad thoughts.  God, how depressing - but it's the truth. 

When are things going to get easier?  I miss my mom - I miss being around Leo's friends - it's easier up there...when I cry...they cry with me.   They hug me - I feel supported.  They sincerely ask me how I'm doing - they want to hear the truth - while most people in my life - I don't feel truly want to know how I'm doing.   The one person I'd call is out of the country. 

My mom's birthday is this Thursday - Leo used to ALWAYS make a big deal out of it...even though she HATES - i mean HATES birthdays.   I can't imagine how hard this "first" is going to be for her.  We went out on Friday with Sandy and Andy Rogers and John and Carol Lucas...for her b-day specifically.  It was fun...I think her friend Kim is going to take her out on her actual birthday.  But it's not Leo. 

I am happy to have a "reunion" with the support group this Tuesday.  Every happy actually.  This man named Robin - he is probably my dad's age.  He sent the most wonderful email the day before thanksgiving.  It read:

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving with peace & comfort. We have all had a very trying & tough year; it will be bittersweet, to say the least, spending my first Thanksgiving without Mom. I will be thinking about each of you individually & you will be in my prayers. 

Support group and Tracy (out of the country friend) were the only people from my life that acknowledge this "first" for me.  Thankful for the small amount of support that I do have...

-Kathryn-

I made it

I lived through the first Thanksgiving without Leo.  There are a lot of firsts this year - first christmas, first birthday - first anniversary, etc. 

Thanksgiving was so different.  I was up at mom's for the week and we went to John and Carol's house for turkey day.  It was a sad reality - that my "normal" has become so disrupted.   Usually, I wouldn't travel to MI - I would have stayed down south and go to my granny's for the day.  Mom and Leo would have gone to Grand Rapids and have a gourmet meal that Leo prepared.  We would talk - wish each other happy turkey day - then go on with the norm.  How I wish things were normal...

I'm trying to decide if I want to decorate for Christmas.  I don't think I want to - I don't want to deal with it.  I'm too sad to try to be cheerful and in that "christmas mood."  If Christmas music makes me break down in tears - I can't imagine what a house of holiday cheer would do. 

I've been thinking a lot about my life.  I can't seem to live in the present - I've been in the past a lot.  Asking myself question after question - why didn't I go to grad school?  Why didn't I visit mom and Leo more?  I feel like I have majorly settled in Nashville - and it's an awful feeling.  I am settling in my job - BIG TIME.  I feel very unsatisfied in my life.  However, I own a house and have dogs - I'm not in a spot where I could just leave. 

I also realized how stress-free I felt in Bay City.  The only stress I had to think about was Leo and worrying about my house being broken in to (but it didn't!  good job east nashville!) On my drive yesterday - it dawned on me that I have loads of stresses in Nashville: job, coworkers, friends, my house, worrying about my mom, Leo...  I want and need space from my life here in Nashville.  I can't seem to find it - I'm 200 miles from home and I get a text message that said "wanna talk - or are you enjoying the peace and quiet?"  Major sigh....

I want and need to find interesting people here.  I feel so different when I'm around people who are interested in the world - and want to live outside the "white person box."  I just need to find them...  The people that I get to hang out with in Bay City are simply fabulous.  The flute player in the Bijou - Dennis - one of the most fantastic people I've met.  He shared a lot of his story with me last weekend and I was simply amazed.  He is so happy and positive - to know where and how he grew up and his current circumstances - it's amazing.  Where are those people in Nashville?

Since a lot of the people in Leo's life are musicians - they are putting me in touch with people in Nashville.  Amazing.  Today - I got a friend request from someone Andy Rogers knows.   If anything - I might discover some new good music :). 

-Kathryn-

Thanksgiving

This is the time to recall what you are thankful for, but what do you list when you can barely think of good things in your life?  I can provide a huge list of what I'm not thankful for...

I am, however, thankful for the family - even though Leo is not here.  I'm thankful for the memories and that I can still hear his laugh.  I'm thankful that mom and I made  chicken and dumplings last night - that were actually pretty close to granny's.  I'm thankful for music - certain styles will always remind me of Leo.  I'm thankful that seeing a certain pair of Leo's shoes recall tons of memories from trips and outings on lakes.  I'm thankful to be with my mom...

Mom and I aren't going to Grand Rapids.  Which means I won't be visiting the Leo's grave.  I'm okay with this...eventually...I want to go visit.  Not now...I'm not ready. 

Mom's house is losing some of Leo's presence each time I am here.  For example - the kitchen feels less like "Leo's kitchen."  It doesn't have the smell of fresh coffee, garlic and onions.  There aren't pots all over the place from that last fabulous meal he made.  His pepper grinder is in my kitchen.  The house is so quiet.  He was such a huge presence in life.  I don't understand how my mom is surviving being in their house. 

I have been thinking about the community's reaction to his death.  How a community in MI is still mourning for their beloved conductor.  The house at the 8pm show on Saturday was packed.  I saw people and friends crying as the Bijou played their last song...  If people who didn't know him well are still missing him - I'm doing okay.  I need to give myself a break and realize that yes - it's been 6 months - but i still feel like it was yesterday.  I'm doing just fine.  I get up - go to work - take care of my dogs - I'm doing fine.  It's been a good realization...and I don't think people understand until you have an experienced a loss. 

I have never dreaded the holidays like this year...I want them to pass...quickly.

-Kathryn-

Maestro! A Tribute to Leo Najar

I don't know if I can accurately describe the tribute to Leo yesterday.  Beautiful, gut-wrenching, heart breaking and perfect are the words that are currently coming to me.

The orchestra did a fabulous job.  The 12 minute slide show of Leo was amazing. 

I - however - was barely able to keep the tears from constantly falling.  It was just another reminder that he isn't here.  I still can't believe this reality. 

While I didn't attend many of the shows over the past 8 years - I did recognize many of the songs that were played.  Either by talking to mom and Leo post show - or hearing them while visiting, etc.  Why didn't I attend more shows?  Why didn't I make visiting a higher priority?  How helpful seeing into the future would have been...

It's good being in Bay City.  I'm thankful that work is yet again allowing me to work remotely this week.  Mom and I have talked about going to see Leo's dad on Turkey Day - which also might mean a visit to see Leo.  I don't know if I am ready yet... I think visiting his grave and the concert might be too much for one week.  We will see. 

It's refreshing to be around such fabulous people.  It's a reminder of what I'm lacking in my life.  Mom and Leo's friends have become so dear to my heart.  It gives me a brief moment of happiness and joy to interact with them...even if it's under the current circumstances. 

There has been a lot of memories being shared today.  I know it's a sign of healing - to be able to talk and not fall apart.  Even if the strength is present at random times...it's encouraging.

Happy Turkey Day!
-Kathryn-

6 months

Yesterday, the 17th, marked 6 months. 

I can't even begin to express how much I miss and love Leo. 

Make sure to hug someone you love today. 

-Kathryn-

it has been 3 years

Besides seeing Leo in a casket - this week - I was with him for the last time 3 years ago.  It was the last time I saw him and got to physically touch him alive. 

Before, election week wasn't significant beyond who was voted into office...but now it will just be a painful reminder of my life's biggest regret yet. 

Today - was a little better than last night.  I woke up very teary and got ready crying most of the morning - my eyes were so swollen.  Heidi was throwing up for about a hour in the middle of the night - so my sleep wasn't consistent.  Miki (my newest coworker whom i love) asked if I was alright when I first walked in -  I looked that off. 

I decided to call my dr to make an appointment for medicine and proceeded to cry to the scheduler - so they called in Xanax and I have a follow up appointment after turkey day.  I have been very honest with my friend Greg - and told him about last night's episode...he instantly offered suggestions...i do appreciate the suggestions - but it feels like people want to offer tools to fix my problem.  It frustrates me... however, I have been realizing that assume the worse about those that care about me the most is just another sign of how dark of a place I am in.

I  was talking to Miki today - and confessed how deeply depressed my thoughts have been.  I can't believe I shared them...but part of it was freeing.  I made an appointment with a psychologist named Joy Carroll.   She personally made the appointment and talked me through the entire insurance aspect, etc.  She also had a cancellation for tomorrow at 5...so I'm going tomorrow.  I hope we click and I don't have to shop around. 

I feel fucked up - but I know I'm going to be okay.  I want to be okay...

I love this quote...because it's so true...

“Tears are the silent language of grief.”  I've been speaking plenty...

-Kathryn-

a matter of minutes

things can change drastically...today I was doing well.  Laughed - didn't cry.

went to work...cleaned up a little.   ran an errand - even fixed my plumbing issue - made my fence even more ghetto - played with the dogs.  Looking at the list of accomplishments - that's impressive for me right now.   

Then...then...

There was another article published about Leo - I'm wearing his sweatshirt - I see his xmas gifts in the dining room.  I can't take it.  I feel like I'm about to throw up.  My heart hurts so much...that I honestly can't see it getting better.  How can it?

Here is the article:

http://www.mlive.com/entertainment/bay-city/index.ssf/2011/11/the_bijou_orchestra_performs_i.html

Is there really going to be a slide show of picture during the concert?

How the hell am I going to get through it?  I don't think I can...

Why did he have to die?  Why now?

*written 45 minutes later...*
I had a full on panic attack...sitting down and writing (see above) usually helps.  It didn't tonight - this attack-  It was nothing like I'd experienced before.  My heart was racing - like I had just ran a few miles - I couldn't catch my breath - my eyes are bright red from the tears - like I was swimming in the ocean with my eyes wide open.  How can I have this many tears?

when is this going to get easier?

My mom said this to me tonight: "We have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other...All we can do is move forward and learn how to miss him without falling apart." 

Thankfully - I have a drink date with Andrea - a fellow grief-grouper - this Thursday.  That's the only thing I have to look forward to this week.  That and I'm getting my haircut on Saturday (it's been way too long!).

I'm feeling a little more settled...my heart rate is still pretty elevated and the tears are still falling...but I'm going to be alright.

-Kathryn-
 

important events

I called my mom after my last support group last night - and I told her how depressed I've been feeling.  How this last week or two of deep sadness is just a glimpse into how she feels.  It has given me a new perspective.  A new kind of grace towards my mom.  It has also made me realize she is one strong lady.  She is so strong...

At support group we talked last night that we are aware that this pain will ease...that life will get easier...but it's really hard to see that actually happening.  It's really hard to even hold on to that hope - but I do know it happens.  I have people around me who have experienced a significat loss and the pain does ease.  Life does get back to normal. 

When does that happen? 

Mom and I were talking about doing something special in May.  Doing something that Leo would have loved.  I want to go to NYC and go to a taping of Jon Stewart.  Leo, mom and I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Jon Stewart.  I can still hear Leo's loud - contagious laugh while we watch the show. 

I told mom how I heard a song I wanted played at my wedding in Trader Joes on Sunday.  It's a song by badly drawn boy - and I've loved the song since early 2000's.  It was always "yeah, Leo will play this at my wedding - or arrange the music for other people to play, etc."  When I heard the song in Trader Joes - it was all I could do to get out of the store before I had a full blown panic attack.  The continuous thoughts of "he won't be there for these events..." KILL me and sadly are happening frequently.  

Holidays will be weird - mom and I were saying there is just a significant day after day: Thanksgiving, mom birthday, christmas, Leo's birthday... a constant reminder of who isn't around. 

really missing Leo...

-Kathryn-