9 Months

Yesterday marked 9 months.  It's funny how my life feels like it is passing at the slowest pace possible.  It feels like Leo died yesterday.  I can still clearly recall that phone call, my car ride to GR - stopping to cry, my numerous phone calls with Tracy and Greg - crying to them, the funeral, my mom, Leo in a casket, kissing (i kissed my hand and touched him, I didn't kiss a dead body!) and touching him one last time, my return trip to Nashville, literally walking around like a Zombie until I could return to my mom, etc, etc...all this seems like yesterday.  But reality is always there to bitch-slap me...it has been 9 months.

 My grief is still as raw as it was on 5/17/11 - I have just learned how to cover it up better.  I still go from no tears to tears in a matter of seconds.

I miss you more than ever Leo - xox.

Surrounded

Randall did an interview about Einstein's Dreams...he talked about mom and Leo.  It brought me to tears....I am tired of feeling sad and missing him so much.  Out of the blue - this interview is posted online - then all of a sudden I realize how all my surroundings remind me of Leo.  Which has made for an emotional afternoon...

I was cleaning today - vacuuming my art to remove the dust (yes, I'm that lazy...hate dusting...but the dyson gets is very fast!) and I want to take you through my realization today.   These are just in my living room.

First up - it was a double reminder: 1. Montmartre in Paris (we went there) and this print is in the Getty Museum in LA (we went there too).  Mom and Leo had this print framed for me as a Christmas gift...it sits on my fire mantel:

Directly across from the Paris print - hangs a piece they found at an antique store.  It's a wood carving print:

Perpendicular from the Paris and wood print - sits this piece.

If you sit on the chair that is under these shelves - you will see Barack Obama's book - Mom and Leo got me a signed edition:

In the same bookcase you will see these (but I'm reading Einstein's Dreams again - so currently it's by my bed):

If I sit on my couch -  look at the shelf underneath my side table...I see these...one of those articles...that's a picture of me talking at his memorial service:

For good measure - while sitting on the couch and looking into the kitchen - I see these right by each other.  It's the game day teapot and infamous pepper grinder...do you know how many times his hands touched this grinder?  Multiply times daily... :(

I really don't understand why he had to die so early and suddenly...

Kathryn

In the kitchen...

One place that will always make me think about Leo is the kitchen.  Leo always made sure I had the most handy/needed kitchen tools...I also got a few of his kitchen tools when he died.  When I have people in my kitchen and we are using something from Leo - I get the question "where did you get that?"  me: "Leo"  Friend: "oh, of course..."  :)

Wednesday - I woke up with a slight headache - that turned into one of the worst migraines I've ever had.  I left work early - slept for about 7 hours during the afternoon/early evening - called my mom in tears.  I don't care how old I am...my mom telling me i'll be okay...always helps!  However, after my last round of sleeping/medicine - I woke up with a headache that I was able to tolerate.  At that point in the day...it was time for dinner.

I have been wanting to  try this mushroom pasta recipe.  I love love love mushrooms - and had a variety pack of them.  Sadly, when I unwrapped them - it was a few days late - and I was back to the classic "what do I make for dinner..."   I went with a broccoli pasta.  This specific recipe called for garlic.  I was getting my garlic ready...and I reached for my phone to call Leo to ask him a question.  Literally, I picked up my phone to call him.  It was awful.  I immediately broke into tears.  I kept thinking how I wish I could ask him just a fucking question about garlic.  How unfair is it...that Leo is gone...and I can't ask him about garlic. 

I love to cook - and I always loved trying new recipes.  I am starting to wonder if my lack of interest is due to the fact that my personal chef and wealth of knowledge is gone...  Sure...I hear music and think of Leo...but we didn't connect over music.  We connected as a family - over dinners - over coffee - over sitting in the kitchen watching The Daily Show or MSNBC.  One of my favorite things to do was sit in the kitchen with him... 

What I have come to realize about going through a loss - this feeling is always present.  Some days are worse than others - but I carry this sadness around constantly.  He is one of the first thoughts that cross through my mind in the morning.  I think about him all the time...

I've been watching YouTube videos of him...just to hear his voice.  There is this one where he is introducing the 2011-2012 season...he is so funny and smart.  I just wish there was a 2011-2012 season...

God I miss him...