Will mark the last time I saw leo alive. 11/5/08 - but I flew back to Nashville that day - so it was simply a morning coffee to recover from all the wine/champagne the night before and a hug goodbye. If only I had known that would be my last hug.
I am definitely going through a low-point...just really, really missing him.
Election time used to be exciting for me. It is still exciting, but it's also a horrible reminder that bring ups guilt and anger.
-Kathryn
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Halloween
The girls at work and I went out to eat for Miki's last day. Tomorrow is the big day for little EK to enter the world! We had just sat down - looking over the menu and I see my phone light up with a notification. It was a post on FB from my mom that simply said "This is so lovely. I'm crying again."
Of course I have to open FB to find out what she is talking about. She posted the link to an article that was written about Leo. I started reading the article at the table and tears were just streaming down my face. I had to stop reading the article. I was upset that I had allowed my weakness (tears) to be seen. I was upset, annoyed, or whatever that someone outside of my family had made me cry about the topic of Leo. I expressed, out loud, "why are they still writing articles! do they not know how this makes his family feel?" I think most of all - I was mad that I was overcome with emotions at a time that I hadn't allowed. (Read lack of control :) )
However, once I got home - read the article again and cried in peace - I am thankful and honored.
a year and a half after his death and his community and friends still thinks about, misses, and loves him. I hardly talk about Leo to anyone. In fact, I can't recall the last time I talked to anyone about him besides my mom. I am definitely able to hide my grief - and don't share the fact that tears still fall frequently.
This article reminds me that grief is a LONG, fucking LONG journey. Probably one that will never end. I feel like this is a lesson/fact that I'll never accept and/or learn. It takes articles - or the fact that I'm almost out of the pepper corns he gave me in college and i have NO idea what kind they were. Or where to get them - that reminds me just how long the journey is. The journey involves lots of emotions, good and bad times, confusion, growth, etc, etc.
However, this beautifully written article helps me realize that I'm not alone. I'll never be alone in my journey of losing Leo - because I have a community just 600 miles north of me that feel the same way.
I posted the link and my favorite line from the article on my own FB page this afternoon that sums up how I felt about the article:
"He was real. He was warm. He was full of ideas. He was a genius. He was unique." Another wonderful article about my step-father Leo. Goodness - I miss this man.
Of course I have to open FB to find out what she is talking about. She posted the link to an article that was written about Leo. I started reading the article at the table and tears were just streaming down my face. I had to stop reading the article. I was upset that I had allowed my weakness (tears) to be seen. I was upset, annoyed, or whatever that someone outside of my family had made me cry about the topic of Leo. I expressed, out loud, "why are they still writing articles! do they not know how this makes his family feel?" I think most of all - I was mad that I was overcome with emotions at a time that I hadn't allowed. (Read lack of control :) )
However, once I got home - read the article again and cried in peace - I am thankful and honored.
a year and a half after his death and his community and friends still thinks about, misses, and loves him. I hardly talk about Leo to anyone. In fact, I can't recall the last time I talked to anyone about him besides my mom. I am definitely able to hide my grief - and don't share the fact that tears still fall frequently.
This article reminds me that grief is a LONG, fucking LONG journey. Probably one that will never end. I feel like this is a lesson/fact that I'll never accept and/or learn. It takes articles - or the fact that I'm almost out of the pepper corns he gave me in college and i have NO idea what kind they were. Or where to get them - that reminds me just how long the journey is. The journey involves lots of emotions, good and bad times, confusion, growth, etc, etc.
However, this beautifully written article helps me realize that I'm not alone. I'll never be alone in my journey of losing Leo - because I have a community just 600 miles north of me that feel the same way.
I posted the link and my favorite line from the article on my own FB page this afternoon that sums up how I felt about the article:
"He was real. He was warm. He was full of ideas. He was a genius. He was unique." Another wonderful article about my step-father Leo. Goodness - I miss this man.
Rob Clark - Thank you for the article.
Kathryn
Kathryn
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Grievers are still in relationship to their loved one...
I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm just not feeling that "happy." I have zero desire to talk to people ( i haven't even called my granny back - horrible granddaughter of the year!!!) - I have some unexplained medical stuff going on that I believe is contributing - I just am feeling very blah at the moment.
Last Sunday was beautiful. Nashville has had a wonderful break from the heat - I'm trying to not be too optimistic about the weather and think Fall is popping its head early - because I know in a week or two - it can be back in the 100's. Anyway, last Sunday - I woke up without a headache (however, I did develop one later in the afternoon) and wanted to escape. I looked up some scenic driving routes in Middle TN, put the pups in the car and just left. If I was gutsy enough - I would have left my cellphone to fully be unattached from the world. However, realizing I have a tendency to get lost - I decided to bring the phone.
On the drive - I found myself feeling two drastic emotions. Jealous: the country is romantic. Old barns (I LOVE OLD BARNS!!), beautiful mountains and fields, old houses, greenery everywhere!, small towns where most people are overly sweet. I got out of the car with my dogs and didn't hear the normal abused, chained dogs barking, young disrespectful kids/adults or police sirens. Mom and Pa shops are basically the only stores that are around. There is a kind of peace that you get from nature - I started wondering if people who live in rural areas have this more than me?
Later on in my drive - around the time the church crowd got on the road and I was getting annoyed and lost- I started feeling antsy and thankful. I'm thankful I have options around me - many farmers markets - libraries - art museums - fantastic bars and restaurants - my quirky neighborhood. With all the negatives of living in an urban neighborhood - there are far more positives that I have to hold on to when I get frustrated with where I live. I think a little drive to the country and interaction with those locals reminded me to love where I'm a local...
I also listened to Einstein's Dreams for the first time in awhile. Goodness - the music is so beautiful. It isn't helpful in the "i really miss him" thoughts are constantly go though my head...but then I remembered this article by Ashley Davis Bush. I have been clinging to it...here it is in a nutshell:
What Grievers Cannot Do
What Grievers Can Do
It's okay to miss him. I will always miss him. It's okay to listen to ED and cry. I'm not torturing myself (like I try to sarcastically joke about it) - it's me having a relationship with him. It's one of the only way I can because he isn't here physically. I have been asked a few times, "is it a good idea to listen to ED or watch youtube videos of him, etc." By people asking me - I have started to feel guilty and weird - even embarrassed.
I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to "embrace my new self," but it's exhausting, difficult, scary...sometimes I fail, fall down and take 100 steps back. It's how I currently feel - like I took 100 steps back, but it's okay, because I know that eventually I will walk forward and maybe take 101 steps this time.
We have a big event in the family this coming week. Leo should be there....I want Leo to be there. I know mom and Andrew want him there. I'm just thankful that we can carry him around in our hearts.
Like always, I miss and love you always, Leo.
Kathryn
Last Sunday was beautiful. Nashville has had a wonderful break from the heat - I'm trying to not be too optimistic about the weather and think Fall is popping its head early - because I know in a week or two - it can be back in the 100's. Anyway, last Sunday - I woke up without a headache (however, I did develop one later in the afternoon) and wanted to escape. I looked up some scenic driving routes in Middle TN, put the pups in the car and just left. If I was gutsy enough - I would have left my cellphone to fully be unattached from the world. However, realizing I have a tendency to get lost - I decided to bring the phone.
On the drive - I found myself feeling two drastic emotions. Jealous: the country is romantic. Old barns (I LOVE OLD BARNS!!), beautiful mountains and fields, old houses, greenery everywhere!, small towns where most people are overly sweet. I got out of the car with my dogs and didn't hear the normal abused, chained dogs barking, young disrespectful kids/adults or police sirens. Mom and Pa shops are basically the only stores that are around. There is a kind of peace that you get from nature - I started wondering if people who live in rural areas have this more than me?
Later on in my drive - around the time the church crowd got on the road and I was getting annoyed and lost- I started feeling antsy and thankful. I'm thankful I have options around me - many farmers markets - libraries - art museums - fantastic bars and restaurants - my quirky neighborhood. With all the negatives of living in an urban neighborhood - there are far more positives that I have to hold on to when I get frustrated with where I live. I think a little drive to the country and interaction with those locals reminded me to love where I'm a local...
I also listened to Einstein's Dreams for the first time in awhile. Goodness - the music is so beautiful. It isn't helpful in the "i really miss him" thoughts are constantly go though my head...but then I remembered this article by Ashley Davis Bush. I have been clinging to it...here it is in a nutshell:
What Grievers Cannot Do
- Get Over It -- Although stoicism is often admired, it is not healthy for grievers. The truth is that a major loss is devastating -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Grievers don't simply "get over" such a life-altering experience as one might get over an illness. Grief is a necessary, ongoing journey that fluctuates over time. Grief has no closure.
- Forget Their Loved One -- Grievers cannot and should not pretend as if their loved one never existed. Most grievers think of their beloved one daily, no matter how many years have gone by. If you, as a friend, never mention the loved one who has died, you are acting as if you've forgotten.
- Move On -- Grievers are often told to "move on" with life. It is impossible to move on as if nothing has changed when the foundation of one's life has been shattered. Severing a tie to a deceased loved is not possible, nor should it be the goal (see "Moving Forward" in the next section).
- Be Their Old Self Again -- Grievers are irrevocably changed. They cannot return to being their old selves again. They are no longer the same person after a major loss.
- Stop Hurting -- Grievers and their loved ones often wish for the pain of grief to stop. The hard truth is that painful feelings of grief will arise again and again over the years. They will continue to "burst" into life at the most inopportune moments. Sometimes a holiday or anniversary will stimulate renewed pain and, at other times, a simple rainy Tuesday is all that it will take.
What Grievers Can Do
- Integrate Loss Into Life -- Grievers must live with loss, but they do have the choice to reengage with life. The way to begin this lies in the understanding that loss is an inevitable part of life and that their loved one is always with them in their heart.
- Move Forward -- Grievers may not be able to simply "move on," but they can "move forward" as a changed person with a willingness to accept the many facets of being alive. When grievers move forward they do so with their loved one ever in their memory, their heart, and their spirit.
- Remember and Stay Connected in Love -- Grievers can make it a practice to honor their loved one and stay connected to them. They can keep journals and letters written to their loved ones, display photographs and speak about them. Grievers are still in relationship to their loved one even though their physical form is no longer on this planet.
- Embrace a New Self -- Grievers can understand that being forever changed means that while the old self has died, a new self is emerging. This new self has the potential for increased strength, wisdom, compassion, insight, and perspective.
- Channel Their Pain Into New Energy -- The human spirit is remarkably resilient. Grievers can pour their pain into new life missions, causes, and callings. They may reach out with compassion and understanding to others who suffer. Grievers have a choice to transcend their loss by making meaning out of unspeakable pain.
It's okay to miss him. I will always miss him. It's okay to listen to ED and cry. I'm not torturing myself (like I try to sarcastically joke about it) - it's me having a relationship with him. It's one of the only way I can because he isn't here physically. I have been asked a few times, "is it a good idea to listen to ED or watch youtube videos of him, etc." By people asking me - I have started to feel guilty and weird - even embarrassed.
I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to "embrace my new self," but it's exhausting, difficult, scary...sometimes I fail, fall down and take 100 steps back. It's how I currently feel - like I took 100 steps back, but it's okay, because I know that eventually I will walk forward and maybe take 101 steps this time.
We have a big event in the family this coming week. Leo should be there....I want Leo to be there. I know mom and Andrew want him there. I'm just thankful that we can carry him around in our hearts.
Like always, I miss and love you always, Leo.
Kathryn
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Pesto Pasta
Let me paint the picture - it's Saturday evening - Olympics on the TV and I'm listening to the new Dirty Guv'nahs cd I received in the mail yesterday (a little plug for the guvs...it's fantastic!) my dogs still calm from our long walk this morning - and I'm prepping for dinner.
I have stopped eating land-animals as of late April. Since then, I have been enjoying the challenge of food preparation since I've been going down this path. I feel a lot better and am eating a ton more veggies/fruits.
Last weekend while I was at the grocery store, I decided to get the materials to make pesto pasta.
Of course, I learned this dish from Leo. It was his "go-to" meal if we needed something quick. Let me express - it was absolutely amazing. There were times that I requested it - even if he had all time in the world to cook a meal. This was even the one dish I talked about in my "letter to him" at his memorial service. He always used the most fabulous pesto. I remember he gave me a jar of it my sophmore year of college - and I was so stingy with it...my roommates said I would "ration" it out...but I couldn't find the stuff in Knoxville! Leo got it from a store in Ann Arbor...I have no idea what the store is called. A large jar was about $30 and a smaller jar was about $7...so as a college student...yes...I kept it to myself most of the time :).
Anyway, pesto and pasta has become one of my go-to meals. Leo always added sausage, but since my "no land-animal" diet - tonight I added soy sausage. It was pretty good! As I was putting the final touches on my dinner - the pepper grinder of course - out of no where tears are streaming down my face.
I eat dinner with tears falling into the food, I am flooded with memories and feel sick that we will never have new ones, I realize I haven't talked about him in weeks/months...no one asks about it anymore. Which is okay...life goes on for people...but this is something that feels like I'll never get past.
I simply miss him so much. I really hate it. I would trade everything to have a few more days with him. Man...it just sucks.
However, after I sprinkled the pepper on my food- i held the pepper grinder so close and felt comfort - even in the midst of the tears. Weird, I know - but it's one of the only tangible things I have of him...
Thanks for all the recipes Leo!
xox,
Kathryn
**I should note that I used the Kroger' private selection pesto tonight. Right after the funeral, I was looking for something in my mom's purse. I found a grocery list that Leo had written out for mom...he had to be very specific with what he wanted when he sent others to the store. For some reason - the only thing I remember from that list is "pesto - private selection." If it was good enough for Leo - it's perfect for me.
I have stopped eating land-animals as of late April. Since then, I have been enjoying the challenge of food preparation since I've been going down this path. I feel a lot better and am eating a ton more veggies/fruits.
Last weekend while I was at the grocery store, I decided to get the materials to make pesto pasta.
Of course, I learned this dish from Leo. It was his "go-to" meal if we needed something quick. Let me express - it was absolutely amazing. There were times that I requested it - even if he had all time in the world to cook a meal. This was even the one dish I talked about in my "letter to him" at his memorial service. He always used the most fabulous pesto. I remember he gave me a jar of it my sophmore year of college - and I was so stingy with it...my roommates said I would "ration" it out...but I couldn't find the stuff in Knoxville! Leo got it from a store in Ann Arbor...I have no idea what the store is called. A large jar was about $30 and a smaller jar was about $7...so as a college student...yes...I kept it to myself most of the time :).
Anyway, pesto and pasta has become one of my go-to meals. Leo always added sausage, but since my "no land-animal" diet - tonight I added soy sausage. It was pretty good! As I was putting the final touches on my dinner - the pepper grinder of course - out of no where tears are streaming down my face.
I eat dinner with tears falling into the food, I am flooded with memories and feel sick that we will never have new ones, I realize I haven't talked about him in weeks/months...no one asks about it anymore. Which is okay...life goes on for people...but this is something that feels like I'll never get past.
I simply miss him so much. I really hate it. I would trade everything to have a few more days with him. Man...it just sucks.
However, after I sprinkled the pepper on my food- i held the pepper grinder so close and felt comfort - even in the midst of the tears. Weird, I know - but it's one of the only tangible things I have of him...
Thanks for all the recipes Leo!
xox,
Kathryn
**I should note that I used the Kroger' private selection pesto tonight. Right after the funeral, I was looking for something in my mom's purse. I found a grocery list that Leo had written out for mom...he had to be very specific with what he wanted when he sent others to the store. For some reason - the only thing I remember from that list is "pesto - private selection." If it was good enough for Leo - it's perfect for me.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
life is easy...
...when I don't think about him or listen to his music...for example.
I'm scared to allow myself to feel. so scared actually. The seldom time I allow myself to feel - the overwhelming and quick emotions that come out remind me why the fear is there.
When will I not miss him so much? When will I be able to listen to ED and not burst out in tears? When can I shop for olive oil - and not feel the ache in my heart - because I simply want to tell him what kind I purchased. Shopping at TJ Max for oils/spices was one of the many favorite subjects of conversation. I now hate going down that section of TJ's. However, I got my mom (and myself :) ) this cool pasta measuring tool. He would have loved it.
I've enjoyed life with less tears - but it's because I'm pushing this aside. I fear what side-effects this might have.
Funny, I just noticed today's 'google doodle' - Leo gave Klimt's "the kiss" to my mom - as a magnet I believe. Funny how the tiniest reminders are all around :).
love and miss you always, Leo
K
I'm scared to allow myself to feel. so scared actually. The seldom time I allow myself to feel - the overwhelming and quick emotions that come out remind me why the fear is there.
When will I not miss him so much? When will I be able to listen to ED and not burst out in tears? When can I shop for olive oil - and not feel the ache in my heart - because I simply want to tell him what kind I purchased. Shopping at TJ Max for oils/spices was one of the many favorite subjects of conversation. I now hate going down that section of TJ's. However, I got my mom (and myself :) ) this cool pasta measuring tool. He would have loved it.
I've enjoyed life with less tears - but it's because I'm pushing this aside. I fear what side-effects this might have.
Funny, I just noticed today's 'google doodle' - Leo gave Klimt's "the kiss" to my mom - as a magnet I believe. Funny how the tiniest reminders are all around :).
love and miss you always, Leo
K
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Father's Day
i'm missing him a lot lately. when does this get easier? Or will this hurting always be around? Thankful that some days are easier than others.
I made a great meal tonight - he would have been the person I called to talk to about it. I would have purchased him a card and would be calling him tomorrow. I don't even know how to formulate how much I hate this...
I hate these significant days that make this so much harder.
Happy Father's Day, Leo. Thank you for everything you did for me and for what I'm continuing to discover you left me with. My blessings from you are endless. xox.
I made a great meal tonight - he would have been the person I called to talk to about it. I would have purchased him a card and would be calling him tomorrow. I don't even know how to formulate how much I hate this...
I hate these significant days that make this so much harder.
Happy Father's Day, Leo. Thank you for everything you did for me and for what I'm continuing to discover you left me with. My blessings from you are endless. xox.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
bean burgers&beers
What a fantastic combination...
Last night I went out with someone I knew from college. I have seen her around Nashville for the last few years, but never really talked about hanging out. At a wedding this past March, we started talking and realized how alike our lives were - we immediately said we had to hang out. Sure, it took a month or two - but we made plans this week to grab a beer - and it turned into drinks and a dinner. We went the Pharmacy - and i love it. I love this little charming place that is literally in my neighborhood!
This friend has been through hell this year. The situation she went and is still going through - had me in tears. We were sitting at the bar - drinking and eating - talking about the past year of our lives - crying. There is just something comforting to be with someone my age - who is single - and had the worst year of their lives. Sick, right?
This next month is going to be tough. My brother left for bootcamp yesterday. By the way, John Lucas called him. The love that John and Carol - Brenda and Allan immediately have shown to Andrew and I - is something I'll always be grateful for. It brings tears to my eyes to know how much they are supporting Andrew through this - just like Leo would have. I can't believe he is there right now - I want an hourly update...
This weekend or next - I'm going to Chattanooga to help my grandparents pack up to move into an assisted living home. They are moving closer to my dad - and it's going to make visits more complicated, but necessary. They will be moving in 3 weekends - so there is a lot to do. old people...
Mom got a horrible email from some horrible people. I am not going to fully disclose the contents on the internet - but lets just say I was livid this morning...this same issue keeps arising and I want it to stop. I guess this is our version of fighting over a will or for "Leo's things."
If it is not one thing, it's another. (yes, I do realize I sound like a 75 year old...) The more that I experience life - the more the quote "No two persons ever read the same book," makes sense. However, I do know along the way - I pick up (or already have) people who at least can see the book from my perspective. It really makes all the difference...
I'm just in a grateful mood - and it's nice - plus my TV boyfriend is back! Jon Stewart, please don't ever go away for two weeks ever again. :)
Kathryn
Last night I went out with someone I knew from college. I have seen her around Nashville for the last few years, but never really talked about hanging out. At a wedding this past March, we started talking and realized how alike our lives were - we immediately said we had to hang out. Sure, it took a month or two - but we made plans this week to grab a beer - and it turned into drinks and a dinner. We went the Pharmacy - and i love it. I love this little charming place that is literally in my neighborhood!
This friend has been through hell this year. The situation she went and is still going through - had me in tears. We were sitting at the bar - drinking and eating - talking about the past year of our lives - crying. There is just something comforting to be with someone my age - who is single - and had the worst year of their lives. Sick, right?
This next month is going to be tough. My brother left for bootcamp yesterday. By the way, John Lucas called him. The love that John and Carol - Brenda and Allan immediately have shown to Andrew and I - is something I'll always be grateful for. It brings tears to my eyes to know how much they are supporting Andrew through this - just like Leo would have. I can't believe he is there right now - I want an hourly update...
This weekend or next - I'm going to Chattanooga to help my grandparents pack up to move into an assisted living home. They are moving closer to my dad - and it's going to make visits more complicated, but necessary. They will be moving in 3 weekends - so there is a lot to do. old people...
Mom got a horrible email from some horrible people. I am not going to fully disclose the contents on the internet - but lets just say I was livid this morning...this same issue keeps arising and I want it to stop. I guess this is our version of fighting over a will or for "Leo's things."
If it is not one thing, it's another. (yes, I do realize I sound like a 75 year old...) The more that I experience life - the more the quote "No two persons ever read the same book," makes sense. However, I do know along the way - I pick up (or already have) people who at least can see the book from my perspective. It really makes all the difference...
I'm just in a grateful mood - and it's nice - plus my TV boyfriend is back! Jon Stewart, please don't ever go away for two weeks ever again. :)
Kathryn
Sunday, May 27, 2012
the kite runner
I'm about a decade late on reading this book. Goodness, I loved it. Once I got past the first few chapters - the times I sat down to read the book - I couldn't put it down. I cried in about three or four different parts of the book. It was gripping, heartbreaking/tragic, vivid, uncomfortable - even beautiful. There are very few things that I love more than a great book.
There are two specific parts in the book that I felt specifically drawn to. 1. When Amir's father Baba dies and 2. the ending - when Amir and Sohrab were running a kite together. The passages below specifically:
I'm officially on the bandwagon :)
I might add that kites were one of Leo's favorite things to play with on a windy day...I have many memories of flying kites with him on the shores of a few Great Lakes.
xox,
Kathryn
There are two specific parts in the book that I felt specifically drawn to. 1. When Amir's father Baba dies and 2. the ending - when Amir and Sohrab were running a kite together. The passages below specifically:
"Listening to them, I realize how much of who I was, what I was, had been defined by Baba and the marks he had left on people's lives. My whole life, I had been "Baba's son." Now he was gone. Baba couldn't show me the way anymore; I'd have to find it on my own. The thought of it terrified me."
"It was only a smile, nothing more. It didn't make everything all right. It didn't make anything all right. Only a smile. A tiny thing. A leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird's flight. But I'll take it. With open arms. Because when spring comes, it melts the snow one flake at a time, and maybe I just witnessed the first flake melting. I ran.....I ran"
I'm officially on the bandwagon :)
I might add that kites were one of Leo's favorite things to play with on a windy day...I have many memories of flying kites with him on the shores of a few Great Lakes.
xox,
Kathryn
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Well, I did it...
I survived the first anniversary.
I took today off from work, which I think was a very good decision. My day started with Miki taking me to my car. I was happy to start my morning with spending a little time with her. She is by far one of my most favorite people.
When I got home - I had posted a picture of the 4 of us (mom, leo, JAT and myself) on facebook and lost it - I was sobbing. I kept replaying the day I found out. I'll never forget that day....
Mom was posting audio clips from his memorial service - and I listened to mine again. There is nothing I would change - and I would still say the same words if I had to talk tomorrow. It was at the end of my talk - that I realized I had a decision to make about today. Stay inside - cry and be depressed all day or go out for a long walk with the dogs - get lunch out - sit at a park, read, get sun, run errands. Thankfully, I picked the latter - being out helped tremendously. I have a new love and it's walking. It helps clear my head unlike anything else.
When I got home from my day, mom had posted "I'll see you in my dreams," the version by 3 of the members of the orchestra. This song was played at the end of every event/memorial service/etc. Nothing makes me think of Leo more...and I'm so glad I have the audio file...but it just hurts listening to it.
I really can't believe its been a year. Part of me feels like this is a huge hurdle to jump over - and after this - I've already experienced the "first without Leo..." so life should start to be normal and easier. I SHOULD be able to talk about him without crying, i SHOULD be missing him less...
The reality is - I am still grieving. Those things I mentioned above are easier - but the pain and hurt have just become apart of me and are bearable at this point. I don't think it will ever go away. It's unbelievable that it has been a year. I never imagine I would miss someone so deeply...
Andy Rogers wrote "It's been a very quiet year without Leo." under a picture of Leo.
That is perfect.
I'll see you in my dreams, Leo xox,
Kathryn
I took today off from work, which I think was a very good decision. My day started with Miki taking me to my car. I was happy to start my morning with spending a little time with her. She is by far one of my most favorite people.
When I got home - I had posted a picture of the 4 of us (mom, leo, JAT and myself) on facebook and lost it - I was sobbing. I kept replaying the day I found out. I'll never forget that day....
Mom was posting audio clips from his memorial service - and I listened to mine again. There is nothing I would change - and I would still say the same words if I had to talk tomorrow. It was at the end of my talk - that I realized I had a decision to make about today. Stay inside - cry and be depressed all day or go out for a long walk with the dogs - get lunch out - sit at a park, read, get sun, run errands. Thankfully, I picked the latter - being out helped tremendously. I have a new love and it's walking. It helps clear my head unlike anything else.
When I got home from my day, mom had posted "I'll see you in my dreams," the version by 3 of the members of the orchestra. This song was played at the end of every event/memorial service/etc. Nothing makes me think of Leo more...and I'm so glad I have the audio file...but it just hurts listening to it.
I really can't believe its been a year. Part of me feels like this is a huge hurdle to jump over - and after this - I've already experienced the "first without Leo..." so life should start to be normal and easier. I SHOULD be able to talk about him without crying, i SHOULD be missing him less...
The reality is - I am still grieving. Those things I mentioned above are easier - but the pain and hurt have just become apart of me and are bearable at this point. I don't think it will ever go away. It's unbelievable that it has been a year. I never imagine I would miss someone so deeply...
Andy Rogers wrote "It's been a very quiet year without Leo." under a picture of Leo.
That is perfect.
I'll see you in my dreams, Leo xox,
Kathryn
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
"tonight made me believe rock 'n' roll is not dead"
The quote above is from Hayden after Alabama Shakes and Jack White at the Ryman. He is my newest buddy. He is someone that I would have never imagine to get along with so well, but if anything, this is a lesson to truly be myself around people. I've kind of known him for about 4 years - but it's only been recent that we have hung out a few times.
Last night was one a highlight of the last few months. Easily. Hayden offered to cook dinner before the show. Of course, "Mr. I have a Facebook page called FoodPorn101 because I love cooking," I will come over and let you feed me. The meal was amazing. It was as if Leo has prepared the meal for me - which while I was standing in Hayden's kitchen - I found myself getting teary when I was telling him how helpless I was in the kitchen with Leo. How I loved nothing more than just sitting back and watching him cook, but of course now, I regret not learning this skill from him. Thankfully, any good chef is totally preoccupied with his/her meal - he had no idea that I was fighting tears.
This is what he made: Prosciutto wrapped sea scallops lying on a bed of leafy greens from the garden with sun-dried tomatoes, kalamata olives and red onion. It is all dressed with feta and a homemade red wine vinaigrette. The picture is his too - but I stole it. Thanks FB! Yum!
After dinner, we left for the Ryman. The show...wow. WOW. I want to sound old for a second...it was loud. But good lord - it was a hell of a show. I honestly believe that Hayden's quote summed it up perfectly. I just had a great night...a few drinks...great company and music. It's pretty hard to have a bad night with those variables.
However, I did have a little hiccup in my night. Apparently my car's battery voltage (whatever that means) had dwindled and that caused my fog lights to stay on. Oh, okay...the car is like a year old...I shouldn't be having these issues! I was up until 2am trying to figure out how to turn the lights off. I looked in the fuse box - which note to self 'if you have been drinking - don't try to turn into a mechanic.' It was a little annoying having to deal with this car stuff - especially when I thought I was financially responsible for the bill (it's still under warranty so my cost is very little - thankfully) - but it's turned out okay. Another friend was finding some joy out of my night. It was purely based on jealously since he didn't go to the show, but he said this: "Life is one giant smile followed by a bitch slap." Genius.
I love it. It's true and funny - it's incredible. That's what last night was...a giant smile followed by a mild bitch slap.
I am most thankful that I had a fantastic time last night. I'm thankful that I laughed a lot - had a great meal, listened to great live music - because tomorrow comes the 1 year anniversary of the biggest bitch slap I've ever experienced. Last night helped break up my anticipation, dread and constant thoughts about tomorrow.
I'd be lying if it wasn't on my mind most of today. I keep thinking about my life exactly a year ago from today. Trying to remember what life was like with Leo alive...what my life was like without this constant pain and ache in my heart. It was a year ago today...I was sick, home from work...Leo was still alive and my life was "normal." As I'm writing this post - in exactly 11 hours - I will have received that phone call. I have a really hard time pinpointing what I'm feeling. I guess, to put it simply, my emotions are erratic.
However, as I'm sorting out the storm in my heart and head - the one thing that will always remain true - is that I love and miss Leo tremendously.
xox
Kathryn
Last night was one a highlight of the last few months. Easily. Hayden offered to cook dinner before the show. Of course, "Mr. I have a Facebook page called FoodPorn101 because I love cooking," I will come over and let you feed me. The meal was amazing. It was as if Leo has prepared the meal for me - which while I was standing in Hayden's kitchen - I found myself getting teary when I was telling him how helpless I was in the kitchen with Leo. How I loved nothing more than just sitting back and watching him cook, but of course now, I regret not learning this skill from him. Thankfully, any good chef is totally preoccupied with his/her meal - he had no idea that I was fighting tears.
This is what he made: Prosciutto wrapped sea scallops lying on a bed of leafy greens from the garden with sun-dried tomatoes, kalamata olives and red onion. It is all dressed with feta and a homemade red wine vinaigrette. The picture is his too - but I stole it. Thanks FB! Yum!
After dinner, we left for the Ryman. The show...wow. WOW. I want to sound old for a second...it was loud. But good lord - it was a hell of a show. I honestly believe that Hayden's quote summed it up perfectly. I just had a great night...a few drinks...great company and music. It's pretty hard to have a bad night with those variables.
However, I did have a little hiccup in my night. Apparently my car's battery voltage (whatever that means) had dwindled and that caused my fog lights to stay on. Oh, okay...the car is like a year old...I shouldn't be having these issues! I was up until 2am trying to figure out how to turn the lights off. I looked in the fuse box - which note to self 'if you have been drinking - don't try to turn into a mechanic.' It was a little annoying having to deal with this car stuff - especially when I thought I was financially responsible for the bill (it's still under warranty so my cost is very little - thankfully) - but it's turned out okay. Another friend was finding some joy out of my night. It was purely based on jealously since he didn't go to the show, but he said this: "Life is one giant smile followed by a bitch slap." Genius.
I love it. It's true and funny - it's incredible. That's what last night was...a giant smile followed by a mild bitch slap.
I am most thankful that I had a fantastic time last night. I'm thankful that I laughed a lot - had a great meal, listened to great live music - because tomorrow comes the 1 year anniversary of the biggest bitch slap I've ever experienced. Last night helped break up my anticipation, dread and constant thoughts about tomorrow.
I'd be lying if it wasn't on my mind most of today. I keep thinking about my life exactly a year ago from today. Trying to remember what life was like with Leo alive...what my life was like without this constant pain and ache in my heart. It was a year ago today...I was sick, home from work...Leo was still alive and my life was "normal." As I'm writing this post - in exactly 11 hours - I will have received that phone call. I have a really hard time pinpointing what I'm feeling. I guess, to put it simply, my emotions are erratic.
However, as I'm sorting out the storm in my heart and head - the one thing that will always remain true - is that I love and miss Leo tremendously.
xox
Kathryn
Sunday, May 13, 2012
the anticipation of May 17th
It's horrible. I shift through an enraged - to a deeply sadden - to happy - to even keel 30 year old (oh my god - that's the first time I called myself that...sigh...) within any given hour.
I think it's the reflection of this past year that is hurting my heart the most. May 17th won't really different than today or a month ago. Yes, it's the year marker of Leo dying, but I won't miss him more or less on 5/17/12. I think the hardest thing I'm dealing with is my remembrance and reflection of this past year.
It was hard. Very hard. If I can count the struggles I had the few months before Leo died - I could really count the hardship spanning over a year and a half or even more...
I've learned a lot. I've learned some hard and good lessons. I learned who my true friends are - who I can trust with my tears. I had one friend stand by me through it all. Through my "life sucks" moments, my endless amount of tears and horrible outlook on life...Thank you Tracy :). However, with this relationship discovery, it left me feeling so alone. Within that loneliness, I've learned a lot about myself. With this has come some sort of awkward strength and perspective on life. I survived this past year - right now -I am pretty certain I can survive anything. I was in a dark place - and while I had some awareness when I was there - it is only now I can see how depressed I truly was. I hate to admit it, but thoughts of dying were not uncommon.
However, now, I'm okay. I might not be fully back to Kathryn pre-Leo dying, but I honestly don't think I ever will be. This event rocked my core. I'm still trying to figure out myself after this life-altering event, but I know Leo would hate that I am not out living life. If anything, this time of reflection has led me to a place of "I want/need things to be different." Meaning, I want to enjoy life. I want to find new friends in Nashville who are similar. I want to be healthy mentally and physically. I want to read more. I want to continue learning. Get back to being obsessed with politics :).
Sure, I can and will always miss Leo. Tears won't be absent either, but in the midst of those tears, I can still be living life. Living is something that I have really missed during the last 1.5 years...
4 days and counting,
Kathryn
I think it's the reflection of this past year that is hurting my heart the most. May 17th won't really different than today or a month ago. Yes, it's the year marker of Leo dying, but I won't miss him more or less on 5/17/12. I think the hardest thing I'm dealing with is my remembrance and reflection of this past year.
It was hard. Very hard. If I can count the struggles I had the few months before Leo died - I could really count the hardship spanning over a year and a half or even more...
I've learned a lot. I've learned some hard and good lessons. I learned who my true friends are - who I can trust with my tears. I had one friend stand by me through it all. Through my "life sucks" moments, my endless amount of tears and horrible outlook on life...Thank you Tracy :). However, with this relationship discovery, it left me feeling so alone. Within that loneliness, I've learned a lot about myself. With this has come some sort of awkward strength and perspective on life. I survived this past year - right now -I am pretty certain I can survive anything. I was in a dark place - and while I had some awareness when I was there - it is only now I can see how depressed I truly was. I hate to admit it, but thoughts of dying were not uncommon.
However, now, I'm okay. I might not be fully back to Kathryn pre-Leo dying, but I honestly don't think I ever will be. This event rocked my core. I'm still trying to figure out myself after this life-altering event, but I know Leo would hate that I am not out living life. If anything, this time of reflection has led me to a place of "I want/need things to be different." Meaning, I want to enjoy life. I want to find new friends in Nashville who are similar. I want to be healthy mentally and physically. I want to read more. I want to continue learning. Get back to being obsessed with politics :).
Sure, I can and will always miss Leo. Tears won't be absent either, but in the midst of those tears, I can still be living life. Living is something that I have really missed during the last 1.5 years...
4 days and counting,
Kathryn
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Happy 30th - KT.
It's amazing how one single thought/realize can make a good day turn to shit.
I woke up thinking "i'm thirty and have not accomplished anything that I thought I would have by now..." However, I quickly changed my thoughts and focused on what I have done "I own a house and keep up with it; I have two dogs that are healthy and happy pups; I have maintained a job; I've lived through the death of a parent; I'm becoming more comfortable with myself...."
If there is anything I have learned - it's all about perspective. If I constantly focus on the bad - I will live in the state of negativity. Once there - it's really hard to come out.
I usually take my birthday off from work, but decided against it this year. Mostly because of my lesson learned from paid time off last year. I wasn't dreading it - my coworkers are fantastic. I adore the girls at work. I walked in and they had decorated my desk, made cupcakes, brought in snacks, we went out to lunch and sat in the sun, we laughed, Sara brought her new baby Charlie and I got to cuddle him while he slept in my arms, more laughter - it was great!
Tracy sent me the most beautiful flowers...it's funny to think that a girl friend is setting the bar SUPER high when it comes to delivered flowers. My poor future...he might have some words with her later down the road :). love her.
It was a great day. Honestly. Turning 30 isn't going to be the end of the world!
I got home - did my nightly stuff - to suddenly realized I hadn't heard from this one person. Suddenly my day had turned to shit. What will I remember? That I cried while pouring a bowl of cereal for dinner - only to realize the milk is spoiled - so I ended up baking a piece of chicken. fantastic. I'll remember the feeling, yet again, of not being important enough to receive a phone call. The feeling of "what else can I do to make you care..."
I'm just disappointed. I'm going to go to bed disappointed and hurt - where I should be going to bed happy.
I feel silly getting so upset...but on a birthday...it's one of the only times I expect the effort from someone else. I should not have to call to solicit a "happy birthday"...
More importantly, I wanted one day - just one day - where I didn't cry, think about Leo, be sad about Leo, be disappointed with my life, etc...and now I'm having a huge horrible tidal wave of emotions. And am just sitting in a pool of negativity. It was also the first b-day in 16 years that he wasn't here to wish me a happy birthday.
Thank god the day is almost over...this is why I wanted to skip today.
However, tomorrow when I wake up, I'll be able to start with a new perspective (hopefully).
-Kathryn-
I woke up thinking "i'm thirty and have not accomplished anything that I thought I would have by now..." However, I quickly changed my thoughts and focused on what I have done "I own a house and keep up with it; I have two dogs that are healthy and happy pups; I have maintained a job; I've lived through the death of a parent; I'm becoming more comfortable with myself...."
If there is anything I have learned - it's all about perspective. If I constantly focus on the bad - I will live in the state of negativity. Once there - it's really hard to come out.
I usually take my birthday off from work, but decided against it this year. Mostly because of my lesson learned from paid time off last year. I wasn't dreading it - my coworkers are fantastic. I adore the girls at work. I walked in and they had decorated my desk, made cupcakes, brought in snacks, we went out to lunch and sat in the sun, we laughed, Sara brought her new baby Charlie and I got to cuddle him while he slept in my arms, more laughter - it was great!
Tracy sent me the most beautiful flowers...it's funny to think that a girl friend is setting the bar SUPER high when it comes to delivered flowers. My poor future...he might have some words with her later down the road :). love her.
It was a great day. Honestly. Turning 30 isn't going to be the end of the world!
I got home - did my nightly stuff - to suddenly realized I hadn't heard from this one person. Suddenly my day had turned to shit. What will I remember? That I cried while pouring a bowl of cereal for dinner - only to realize the milk is spoiled - so I ended up baking a piece of chicken. fantastic. I'll remember the feeling, yet again, of not being important enough to receive a phone call. The feeling of "what else can I do to make you care..."
I'm just disappointed. I'm going to go to bed disappointed and hurt - where I should be going to bed happy.
I feel silly getting so upset...but on a birthday...it's one of the only times I expect the effort from someone else. I should not have to call to solicit a "happy birthday"...
More importantly, I wanted one day - just one day - where I didn't cry, think about Leo, be sad about Leo, be disappointed with my life, etc...and now I'm having a huge horrible tidal wave of emotions. And am just sitting in a pool of negativity. It was also the first b-day in 16 years that he wasn't here to wish me a happy birthday.
Thank god the day is almost over...this is why I wanted to skip today.
However, tomorrow when I wake up, I'll be able to start with a new perspective (hopefully).
-Kathryn-
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
What would have been year 7
May 9th is Mom and Leo's anniversary (married anniversary - they were together like a decade before they took the official paperwork route).
Let the count-down begin...reminder after reminder for the next few weeks.
I can survive this...I have too...
look at the last thing Leo posted on Facebook...
Let the count-down begin...reminder after reminder for the next few weeks.
I can survive this...I have too...
look at the last thing Leo posted on Facebook...
Thursday, May 3, 2012
please tell me the panic is not back!
I had what felt like a tiny panic attack today. It had been months and months since I've had one. Why today? It was a bad day. I went out with my friend Randi last night - and it was great! However, we talked about friends, Leo, life...I held back my tears many times throughout the night. I have discovered when I do this...they build up and the next time I cry...it's like a dam broke. Anyway, today...the typical stuff ...then I get a call from my dad.
My dad wanted to know what my plans were with going up to MI - bringing my dogs to them, etc. I can't settle my thoughts to logically make a plan...I didn't have an answer yet. Immediately frustrated, I started to unloaded my day to him. I wanted to see if he wanted to meet at my granny's for mothers day - I can give him my dogs - see granny, etc. That was when he told me that she had fallen 2 times this week. The last time, she was outside and tried yelling for help. However, no one heard her - so she crawled back to the house and called 911. literally breaks my heart. I was hoping the knee surgery would have helped her.
Dad couldn't give me many of the details, because he was walking into an independent living place. I immediately broke down and since have been feeling super panicky. Now, I realize why my dad was trying to figure out what my plans were, because Granny and Papa might be moving soon. I don't think they would be able to care for my insane dogs while they deal with this.
My dad is an only child - and there really isn't one else besides me, dad, carol and andrew for my grandparents. Of course, I will go down and help them move and pack up. However, this might prevent me from going to MI...I really am at a loss at what to do. The fact that I need to make a decision soon is just adding more stress. However, this is assuming that my grandparents will be moving within the next few weeks. If it's not within the next few weeks - I do know it is coming soon...
I'm frustrated at myself for not being able to handle this...to resort to crying. It doesn't solve anything and makes me feel like shit the rest of the evening. It's hard not to cry when this anniversary is approaching...just 2 weeks away :(...I miss him - a ton. But, at least I'm not alone...
My dad wanted to know what my plans were with going up to MI - bringing my dogs to them, etc. I can't settle my thoughts to logically make a plan...I didn't have an answer yet. Immediately frustrated, I started to unloaded my day to him. I wanted to see if he wanted to meet at my granny's for mothers day - I can give him my dogs - see granny, etc. That was when he told me that she had fallen 2 times this week. The last time, she was outside and tried yelling for help. However, no one heard her - so she crawled back to the house and called 911. literally breaks my heart. I was hoping the knee surgery would have helped her.
Dad couldn't give me many of the details, because he was walking into an independent living place. I immediately broke down and since have been feeling super panicky. Now, I realize why my dad was trying to figure out what my plans were, because Granny and Papa might be moving soon. I don't think they would be able to care for my insane dogs while they deal with this.
My dad is an only child - and there really isn't one else besides me, dad, carol and andrew for my grandparents. Of course, I will go down and help them move and pack up. However, this might prevent me from going to MI...I really am at a loss at what to do. The fact that I need to make a decision soon is just adding more stress. However, this is assuming that my grandparents will be moving within the next few weeks. If it's not within the next few weeks - I do know it is coming soon...
I'm frustrated at myself for not being able to handle this...to resort to crying. It doesn't solve anything and makes me feel like shit the rest of the evening. It's hard not to cry when this anniversary is approaching...just 2 weeks away :(...I miss him - a ton. But, at least I'm not alone...
Friday, April 27, 2012
just an awful day
Today has been rough. I'm on my third set of tears and its not even 4pm yet...thankfully...I am at home for round 3...
It just seems like every single sort of stress I have came full on today. Work, friends, money, Leo, Leo again, Leo, thinking about Leo, thinking about May 17, Leo, etc, etc
I literally feel my heart hurting today - it hasn't been like this in awhile. I will honestly say that this feeling is one that I haven't missed.
Before I started having cry-fest #2 at work - I was having a really weird reaction...I felt shaky - I felt enraged - I was so angry about work and friends. Then, thankfully, I broke down in tears and the rage kind of went away. It's just funny...how and why does everything happen at once? Or maybe this is just normal life and my outlook for the day determines how I handle the normal life...
Whatever it is - I'm happy I'm home, it's the weekend and I'll be able to be productive around the house this weekend.
If there is anything I have learned in the last year...it's that these huge waves of deep sadness eventually leave...and I'll go back to my not even a year old "normalcy."
Kathryn
It just seems like every single sort of stress I have came full on today. Work, friends, money, Leo, Leo again, Leo, thinking about Leo, thinking about May 17, Leo, etc, etc
I literally feel my heart hurting today - it hasn't been like this in awhile. I will honestly say that this feeling is one that I haven't missed.
Before I started having cry-fest #2 at work - I was having a really weird reaction...I felt shaky - I felt enraged - I was so angry about work and friends. Then, thankfully, I broke down in tears and the rage kind of went away. It's just funny...how and why does everything happen at once? Or maybe this is just normal life and my outlook for the day determines how I handle the normal life...
Whatever it is - I'm happy I'm home, it's the weekend and I'll be able to be productive around the house this weekend.
If there is anything I have learned in the last year...it's that these huge waves of deep sadness eventually leave...and I'll go back to my not even a year old "normalcy."
Kathryn
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
counting down the days
The past week or two - I've been quick to be annoyed, pissed, irritated, etc. After I realized that I can't blame "pms" for a prolong irritation - it dawned on me... I'm DREADING the year marker unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I feel like every day my anxiety and dread get worst. Kind of like own personal long month of torture.
It also dawned on me that I have been limiting myself to "Leo" stuff. I haven't listened to Einstein's Dreams in weeks/months, I haven't visited his facebook page, I haven't watched the slideshow, YouTube, etc. Maybe it's a self-protection thing, but I also attribute my seldom tears to this. I don't want to remove him...I have to get to a point where I can keep him in my life and not fall apart.
Last week, I had a ticket to the symphony. I was very confident that I was going to be able to go - I was even excited about it! As the day came - anxiety started showing its ugly face. I decided against going. I was talking to co-workers about it and started crying...if talking about it made me cry...I was just imaging what being there would do to me emotionally. I started playing out every situation possible; "I'm happy, I'm bawling, etc" then thinking about after the show - how I'd love nothing else than to call Leo. No thanks...didn't want to put myself in that situation.
Another situation I'm trying to avoid is being in Nashville for the big 3-0 and the year anniversary of Leo dying. A conversation I had on g-chat today confirmed my desire to be gone. I initially wanted to go out to CA- but my bank account had other plans. Tonight- I kind of thought of this: asking my boss if I can work remotely - go to ATL for a few days - see my dad and Carol and drop the dogs off. I'll leave from dad's house and head to MI and spend the year marker with mom. We would go to Grand Rapids and see Leo.
I wasn't ready to see him the last time I was up there...but I want to go. I think...mom was saying that he probably still has his winter flowers - so we would go put some summer flowers at his grave. God...how and why do I even have to plan for this?? It makes me sick to my stomach...
I can't believe a year has passed and my tears can still fall immediately. I miss him so much...so so so much.
However, I think going back to Bay City will be good for me...Carol Lucas will be back from FL...maybe mom and I can go see Allan and Brenda. Maybe not...maybe this visit needs to be about us and Leo...low-key. Then I can go back during the summer and go sailing :).
Let the dreadful countdown begin...
Kathryn
It also dawned on me that I have been limiting myself to "Leo" stuff. I haven't listened to Einstein's Dreams in weeks/months, I haven't visited his facebook page, I haven't watched the slideshow, YouTube, etc. Maybe it's a self-protection thing, but I also attribute my seldom tears to this. I don't want to remove him...I have to get to a point where I can keep him in my life and not fall apart.
Last week, I had a ticket to the symphony. I was very confident that I was going to be able to go - I was even excited about it! As the day came - anxiety started showing its ugly face. I decided against going. I was talking to co-workers about it and started crying...if talking about it made me cry...I was just imaging what being there would do to me emotionally. I started playing out every situation possible; "I'm happy, I'm bawling, etc" then thinking about after the show - how I'd love nothing else than to call Leo. No thanks...didn't want to put myself in that situation.
Another situation I'm trying to avoid is being in Nashville for the big 3-0 and the year anniversary of Leo dying. A conversation I had on g-chat today confirmed my desire to be gone. I initially wanted to go out to CA- but my bank account had other plans. Tonight- I kind of thought of this: asking my boss if I can work remotely - go to ATL for a few days - see my dad and Carol and drop the dogs off. I'll leave from dad's house and head to MI and spend the year marker with mom. We would go to Grand Rapids and see Leo.
I wasn't ready to see him the last time I was up there...but I want to go. I think...mom was saying that he probably still has his winter flowers - so we would go put some summer flowers at his grave. God...how and why do I even have to plan for this?? It makes me sick to my stomach...
I can't believe a year has passed and my tears can still fall immediately. I miss him so much...so so so much.
However, I think going back to Bay City will be good for me...Carol Lucas will be back from FL...maybe mom and I can go see Allan and Brenda. Maybe not...maybe this visit needs to be about us and Leo...low-key. Then I can go back during the summer and go sailing :).
Let the dreadful countdown begin...
Kathryn
Saturday, April 7, 2012
his voice
This morning - I was giving my mom my daily phone call. Since it's the weekend - if I do not get her on the cell phone - I call the house line. I've made several references to the answering machine - and the dread that I feel when the day comes that it goes away. I never want it to go away, because it is still Leo's voice. I usually smile when I hear it...and am always flooded with a ton of memories. I love calling the house when I know my mom won't pick up - I am 100% certain going to hear Leo.
Today, hearing the his voice, it kind of sent a knife into my heart. Usually when I would call - he would always be the first one to answer the phone. We would have our chat - then the phone would be passed to mom. Some times - both of them would have conversations with me. Those usually involved lots of laughter...I miss those...
I miss him a lot. I miss our conversations. I miss his advice. I miss his laughter. I miss his presence from my life. I just miss him.
Mom has been having a really rough weekend. It hurts me to not be able to be near her. I wish we could go on walks together - to cry together - to watch TV. Would this process be easier if she was closer? If I'm honest - I think it would be more difficult. When I know she is not doing well - it just makes my grief 10 times worse. I don't know if that makes sense - but the worry and stress I feel over her - add my own - and I'm a waterfall of tears.
In ten short day - I will be approaching the 11 month marker.
Not looking forward to the 11 month and definitely not the year marker either...my hopes is to be returning from CA around that time though...
xox to you Leo
-Kathryn-
Today, hearing the his voice, it kind of sent a knife into my heart. Usually when I would call - he would always be the first one to answer the phone. We would have our chat - then the phone would be passed to mom. Some times - both of them would have conversations with me. Those usually involved lots of laughter...I miss those...
I miss him a lot. I miss our conversations. I miss his advice. I miss his laughter. I miss his presence from my life. I just miss him.
Mom has been having a really rough weekend. It hurts me to not be able to be near her. I wish we could go on walks together - to cry together - to watch TV. Would this process be easier if she was closer? If I'm honest - I think it would be more difficult. When I know she is not doing well - it just makes my grief 10 times worse. I don't know if that makes sense - but the worry and stress I feel over her - add my own - and I'm a waterfall of tears.
In ten short day - I will be approaching the 11 month marker.
Not looking forward to the 11 month and definitely not the year marker either...my hopes is to be returning from CA around that time though...
xox to you Leo
-Kathryn-
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
such a little trigger...
It's beautiful in Nashville. Simply beautiful. It's the weather that makes me want to sit on a patio for hours and drink a beer or 4. However, instead of potentially making those sort of plans...I had to come home and deal with house issues.
I think the universe does this to any homeowner who gets a tax return. The moment Uncle Sam gives you some cash back - something happens and/or breaks. Last year - it was my plumbing and car. This year...plumbing (again) and potential termites.
Termites. The dreaded word in the South. We have horrible pests down here...but termites are those silent - unseen pest that can cause lots and lots of damage.
I was getting my monthly pest control last week - and suddenly received a happy phone call from Rick. He left me a voice message that said "Hi Kathryn! This is Rick! Jason told me you had potential termites - so call me back and we can take care of this." Rick, you do not need to sound excited. This is bad news for me...
Rick came out today - so I left work early. After Rick is gone - I get my mail and have a card from mom. It's my first holiday card that didn't include "& Leo."
I immediately tell Tracy about it - and nothing I can do is able to hold back my tears. When are these tiny reminders going to stop being so painful? I am ready for the reminders to happen - and it breaks my heart - because I honestly do not think that will ever go away - but I'm ready for my first reaction to be something other than tears.
Tracy brought up how it must have been hard/weird for my mom too. Of course it was...I didn't even think beyond my sadness.
I know the time will come when tears aren't my first reaction - but goodness - I'm ready for that day.
It's almost been 11 months too. 11 months. How, when, where did this year go?
Love you Leo xox,
Kathryn
I think the universe does this to any homeowner who gets a tax return. The moment Uncle Sam gives you some cash back - something happens and/or breaks. Last year - it was my plumbing and car. This year...plumbing (again) and potential termites.
Termites. The dreaded word in the South. We have horrible pests down here...but termites are those silent - unseen pest that can cause lots and lots of damage.
I was getting my monthly pest control last week - and suddenly received a happy phone call from Rick. He left me a voice message that said "Hi Kathryn! This is Rick! Jason told me you had potential termites - so call me back and we can take care of this." Rick, you do not need to sound excited. This is bad news for me...
Rick came out today - so I left work early. After Rick is gone - I get my mail and have a card from mom. It's my first holiday card that didn't include "& Leo."
I immediately tell Tracy about it - and nothing I can do is able to hold back my tears. When are these tiny reminders going to stop being so painful? I am ready for the reminders to happen - and it breaks my heart - because I honestly do not think that will ever go away - but I'm ready for my first reaction to be something other than tears.
Tracy brought up how it must have been hard/weird for my mom too. Of course it was...I didn't even think beyond my sadness.
I know the time will come when tears aren't my first reaction - but goodness - I'm ready for that day.
It's almost been 11 months too. 11 months. How, when, where did this year go?
Love you Leo xox,
Kathryn
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Missing him...
I have now passed the 10 month mark.
I miss him more than I ever thought imaginable. What I would give for one more hour.
Mom was here this past weekend - I'll write a post for the weekend soon - but it was a great time. Funny enough, Tracy summed it up perfectly when we finally were able to talk on gchat:
So thankful I have one person in my life who understands how a visit from my mom can be painful at the same time. Other people I've said this to - look at me like I'm crazy. When I was home after they left - my house felt so empty. My life felt so empty...
I will admit that I realize how "out of sight - out of mind" I can be with Leo. Not that I don't think about him, but I feel like he is on vacation. I feel like he will return any day now. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reality. It's pretty awful...knowing the truth and my reality and having to play those thoughts against each other.
Seeing Mom, Allan and Brenda - without Leo - has brought on an entire new wave of emotions this week. He should have been here this past weekend.
I'm just really missing him.
xox Leo -
Kathryn
I miss him more than I ever thought imaginable. What I would give for one more hour.
Mom was here this past weekend - I'll write a post for the weekend soon - but it was a great time. Funny enough, Tracy summed it up perfectly when we finally were able to talk on gchat:
i was thinking about you all weekend...so excited they were there...but i just knew it would be hard too...i can imagine that you might feel lonelier once they are gone because you are reminded of what your missing.
So thankful I have one person in my life who understands how a visit from my mom can be painful at the same time. Other people I've said this to - look at me like I'm crazy. When I was home after they left - my house felt so empty. My life felt so empty...
I will admit that I realize how "out of sight - out of mind" I can be with Leo. Not that I don't think about him, but I feel like he is on vacation. I feel like he will return any day now. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reality. It's pretty awful...knowing the truth and my reality and having to play those thoughts against each other.
Seeing Mom, Allan and Brenda - without Leo - has brought on an entire new wave of emotions this week. He should have been here this past weekend.
I'm just really missing him.
xox Leo -
Kathryn
Friday, March 9, 2012
of course...
Do I jinx myself by expressing how I feel? Because, yesterday was completely an emotional day. I even opted to skip the Symphony last night. Here are the series of events:
It was nasty in Nashville yesterday. I have talked about how rain, my stress level, and my dogs - do not see eye to eye. (by the end of my day - I had done two loads of towels in the washer - it was that muddy outside!)
Yesterday late afternoon - my mom sent me an email. The email said this:
This is so crazy...I sent a message [to Leo] because I was feeling blue and this message showed up as a reply. It's a little message he sent me via FB about two years ago. My heart jumped out of my chest.
Here is the picture that was at the bottom of the email:
I was at work and it instantly brought tears to my eyes. I was telling a friend on gchat that I didn't know if I was going to be able to attend the symphony that night. This person wasn't very understanding - and didn't see why going would be difficult for me. How could someone not understand how hard it is going to the symphony? It was so frustrating to have to explain myself. I had to make my situation comparable to a break up - and it annoyed me. I think the message from mom, my frustration, the nasty day - all the emotions combined and I broke down at work.
Last time I went to the symphony I was having an okay day, but I just sat there saying "Leo used to do this...Leo would love this...I wish I could talk to Leo about this..." I knew that going last night wouldn't have been a good idea. I knew that I would get emotional at the concert hall and I didn't want to experience that. The same person on g-chat also said "it's okay to cry," but there is a difference between tearing up and having uncontrollable sobs. Especially since I would be there by myself...it was a recipe for a horrible evening...
So I opted to stay home. I think it was a good decision - there is no need to put myself in a situation that will make me more sad when I'm sad. I talked to my mom about it - and she feels the same way. I guess a lot of her friends want her to come see the band Leo used to direct - and it's just a painful reminder...why would she go? That is how I felt about attending the symphony last night.
A week from today - my mom will be on her way to Nashville - yay!!!
Kathryn
It was nasty in Nashville yesterday. I have talked about how rain, my stress level, and my dogs - do not see eye to eye. (by the end of my day - I had done two loads of towels in the washer - it was that muddy outside!)
Yesterday late afternoon - my mom sent me an email. The email said this:
This is so crazy...I sent a message [to Leo] because I was feeling blue and this message showed up as a reply. It's a little message he sent me via FB about two years ago. My heart jumped out of my chest.
Here is the picture that was at the bottom of the email:
I was at work and it instantly brought tears to my eyes. I was telling a friend on gchat that I didn't know if I was going to be able to attend the symphony that night. This person wasn't very understanding - and didn't see why going would be difficult for me. How could someone not understand how hard it is going to the symphony? It was so frustrating to have to explain myself. I had to make my situation comparable to a break up - and it annoyed me. I think the message from mom, my frustration, the nasty day - all the emotions combined and I broke down at work.
Last time I went to the symphony I was having an okay day, but I just sat there saying "Leo used to do this...Leo would love this...I wish I could talk to Leo about this..." I knew that going last night wouldn't have been a good idea. I knew that I would get emotional at the concert hall and I didn't want to experience that. The same person on g-chat also said "it's okay to cry," but there is a difference between tearing up and having uncontrollable sobs. Especially since I would be there by myself...it was a recipe for a horrible evening...
So I opted to stay home. I think it was a good decision - there is no need to put myself in a situation that will make me more sad when I'm sad. I talked to my mom about it - and she feels the same way. I guess a lot of her friends want her to come see the band Leo used to direct - and it's just a painful reminder...why would she go? That is how I felt about attending the symphony last night.
A week from today - my mom will be on her way to Nashville - yay!!!
Kathryn
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
the past month.
Where has the last month gone? This blog feels like a friend that I haven't talked to in a long time. I've missed expressing myself and just jotting down my feelings of the day....especially when they are about Leo. It's good to see you old buddy! (yes, I did just say that...)
I have been busier. It's been nice - to have something actually going on in my life. A few weeks ago - my brother in law came into town and it was a very welcomed break from my Nashville reality. I had fun, laughed a lot, ate at my favorite greek place, went to the flea market, trader joes, saw live music, etc. Having people in town and jam packing so many things into two days...reminds me how much I love Nashville. It reminds me how many great things I have surrounding me - always something going on - always something to do. It was a good reminder - especially - since I've been doing the "why am I here" thoughts...
My mom will be at my house in 8 days! Goodness, I can't wait. The way this visit got scheduled is wonderful. Brenda sent me a message on facebook saying she was thinking about me and wondering how I was and if I was going to see Bill Maher while he was in Nashville. I wrote back - the normal - then added how I was doing okay, but really worried about my mom. I also told her that I wasn't going, because going to a standup event is not one I want to do solo. She wrote back "we are worried too - what if we grabbed your mom and came down for Bill Maher?" I remember reading that message in the vet's office and having to wipe tears away. The kindness that I have been shown by a handful of people during this time after Leo's death is one of the only reasons I'm still standing (especially you Tracy!). Anyway, we planned it - and they are coming! Allan and Brenda will get my mom on Friday early morning and they will be here before dinner time! YAY!!! My brother is also going to come up...I can't wait.
I can't wait to have a house full of people I love. To be surrounded by people I love for a joyous event. We aren't getting together for another memorial service for Leo. It does feel weird to think about mom coming down without him. It still feels like he is just out of town. I expect him to return in a few weeks - and life will be normal again.
I know this is lame, but about a week ago - I changed my facebook picture from the the last one I'll ever take with Leo - to one of me and the sister on the cruise. I went back and forth about 5 or 6 times - went through a range of emotions changing the picture. Sadness, happiness that I felt okay to change it, guilt.
I remember hearing from Esther and grief group that people experience guilt...example: "if I don't cry about that person today...it means I'm over them dying..." I remember continuously telling Esther that I will never experience that emotion...but I have been flirting with guilt. If I'm not okay - I can go down that road. I'm floating into states of this being normal and missing him. Before, I was in the state of missing, depression, remaining in the past. Lately, I have been finding myself going a few days without crying. But this doesn't mean my thoughts don't go to Leo all day long...because they do...i am just being able to make it through my day okay. All I try to do is make it day to day - and I have been.
Some of Leo's dearest people in his life will be together on the 9th month anniversary of death. I'm so thankful I will have people here...those days always suck :).
Until next time...
Kathryn
I have been busier. It's been nice - to have something actually going on in my life. A few weeks ago - my brother in law came into town and it was a very welcomed break from my Nashville reality. I had fun, laughed a lot, ate at my favorite greek place, went to the flea market, trader joes, saw live music, etc. Having people in town and jam packing so many things into two days...reminds me how much I love Nashville. It reminds me how many great things I have surrounding me - always something going on - always something to do. It was a good reminder - especially - since I've been doing the "why am I here" thoughts...
My mom will be at my house in 8 days! Goodness, I can't wait. The way this visit got scheduled is wonderful. Brenda sent me a message on facebook saying she was thinking about me and wondering how I was and if I was going to see Bill Maher while he was in Nashville. I wrote back - the normal - then added how I was doing okay, but really worried about my mom. I also told her that I wasn't going, because going to a standup event is not one I want to do solo. She wrote back "we are worried too - what if we grabbed your mom and came down for Bill Maher?" I remember reading that message in the vet's office and having to wipe tears away. The kindness that I have been shown by a handful of people during this time after Leo's death is one of the only reasons I'm still standing (especially you Tracy!). Anyway, we planned it - and they are coming! Allan and Brenda will get my mom on Friday early morning and they will be here before dinner time! YAY!!! My brother is also going to come up...I can't wait.
I can't wait to have a house full of people I love. To be surrounded by people I love for a joyous event. We aren't getting together for another memorial service for Leo. It does feel weird to think about mom coming down without him. It still feels like he is just out of town. I expect him to return in a few weeks - and life will be normal again.
I know this is lame, but about a week ago - I changed my facebook picture from the the last one I'll ever take with Leo - to one of me and the sister on the cruise. I went back and forth about 5 or 6 times - went through a range of emotions changing the picture. Sadness, happiness that I felt okay to change it, guilt.
I remember hearing from Esther and grief group that people experience guilt...example: "if I don't cry about that person today...it means I'm over them dying..." I remember continuously telling Esther that I will never experience that emotion...but I have been flirting with guilt. If I'm not okay - I can go down that road. I'm floating into states of this being normal and missing him. Before, I was in the state of missing, depression, remaining in the past. Lately, I have been finding myself going a few days without crying. But this doesn't mean my thoughts don't go to Leo all day long...because they do...i am just being able to make it through my day okay. All I try to do is make it day to day - and I have been.
Some of Leo's dearest people in his life will be together on the 9th month anniversary of death. I'm so thankful I will have people here...those days always suck :).
Until next time...
Kathryn
Saturday, February 18, 2012
9 Months
Yesterday marked 9 months. It's funny how my life feels like it is passing at the slowest pace possible. It feels like Leo died yesterday. I can still clearly recall that phone call, my car ride to GR - stopping to cry, my numerous phone calls with Tracy and Greg - crying to them, the funeral, my mom, Leo in a casket, kissing (i kissed my hand and touched him, I didn't kiss a dead body!) and touching him one last time, my return trip to Nashville, literally walking around like a Zombie until I could return to my mom, etc, etc...all this seems like yesterday. But reality is always there to bitch-slap me...it has been 9 months.
My grief is still as raw as it was on 5/17/11 - I have just learned how to cover it up better. I still go from no tears to tears in a matter of seconds.
I miss you more than ever Leo - xox.
My grief is still as raw as it was on 5/17/11 - I have just learned how to cover it up better. I still go from no tears to tears in a matter of seconds.
I miss you more than ever Leo - xox.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Surrounded
Randall did an interview about Einstein's Dreams...he talked about mom and Leo. It brought me to tears....I am tired of feeling sad and missing him so much. Out of the blue - this interview is posted online - then all of a sudden I realize how all my surroundings remind me of Leo. Which has made for an emotional afternoon...
I was cleaning today - vacuuming my art to remove the dust (yes, I'm that lazy...hate dusting...but the dyson gets is very fast!) and I want to take you through my realization today. These are just in my living room.
First up - it was a double reminder: 1. Montmartre in Paris (we went there) and this print is in the Getty Museum in LA (we went there too). Mom and Leo had this print framed for me as a Christmas gift...it sits on my fire mantel:
Directly across from the Paris print - hangs a piece they found at an antique store. It's a wood carving print:
Perpendicular from the Paris and wood print - sits this piece.
If you sit on the chair that is under these shelves - you will see Barack Obama's book - Mom and Leo got me a signed edition:
In the same bookcase you will see these (but I'm reading Einstein's Dreams again - so currently it's by my bed):
If I sit on my couch - look at the shelf underneath my side table...I see these...one of those articles...that's a picture of me talking at his memorial service:
For good measure - while sitting on the couch and looking into the kitchen - I see these right by each other. It's the game day teapot and infamous pepper grinder...do you know how many times his hands touched this grinder? Multiply times daily... :(
I really don't understand why he had to die so early and suddenly...
Kathryn
I was cleaning today - vacuuming my art to remove the dust (yes, I'm that lazy...hate dusting...but the dyson gets is very fast!) and I want to take you through my realization today. These are just in my living room.
First up - it was a double reminder: 1. Montmartre in Paris (we went there) and this print is in the Getty Museum in LA (we went there too). Mom and Leo had this print framed for me as a Christmas gift...it sits on my fire mantel:
Directly across from the Paris print - hangs a piece they found at an antique store. It's a wood carving print:
For good measure - while sitting on the couch and looking into the kitchen - I see these right by each other. It's the game day teapot and infamous pepper grinder...do you know how many times his hands touched this grinder? Multiply times daily... :(
I really don't understand why he had to die so early and suddenly...
Kathryn
Thursday, February 9, 2012
In the kitchen...
One place that will always make me think about Leo is the kitchen. Leo always made sure I had the most handy/needed kitchen tools...I also got a few of his kitchen tools when he died. When I have people in my kitchen and we are using something from Leo - I get the question "where did you get that?" me: "Leo" Friend: "oh, of course..." :)
Wednesday - I woke up with a slight headache - that turned into one of the worst migraines I've ever had. I left work early - slept for about 7 hours during the afternoon/early evening - called my mom in tears. I don't care how old I am...my mom telling me i'll be okay...always helps! However, after my last round of sleeping/medicine - I woke up with a headache that I was able to tolerate. At that point in the day...it was time for dinner.
I have been wanting to try this mushroom pasta recipe. I love love love mushrooms - and had a variety pack of them. Sadly, when I unwrapped them - it was a few days late - and I was back to the classic "what do I make for dinner..." I went with a broccoli pasta. This specific recipe called for garlic. I was getting my garlic ready...and I reached for my phone to call Leo to ask him a question. Literally, I picked up my phone to call him. It was awful. I immediately broke into tears. I kept thinking how I wish I could ask him just a fucking question about garlic. How unfair is it...that Leo is gone...and I can't ask him about garlic.
I love to cook - and I always loved trying new recipes. I am starting to wonder if my lack of interest is due to the fact that my personal chef and wealth of knowledge is gone... Sure...I hear music and think of Leo...but we didn't connect over music. We connected as a family - over dinners - over coffee - over sitting in the kitchen watching The Daily Show or MSNBC. One of my favorite things to do was sit in the kitchen with him...
What I have come to realize about going through a loss - this feeling is always present. Some days are worse than others - but I carry this sadness around constantly. He is one of the first thoughts that cross through my mind in the morning. I think about him all the time...
I've been watching YouTube videos of him...just to hear his voice. There is this one where he is introducing the 2011-2012 season...he is so funny and smart. I just wish there was a 2011-2012 season...
God I miss him...
Wednesday - I woke up with a slight headache - that turned into one of the worst migraines I've ever had. I left work early - slept for about 7 hours during the afternoon/early evening - called my mom in tears. I don't care how old I am...my mom telling me i'll be okay...always helps! However, after my last round of sleeping/medicine - I woke up with a headache that I was able to tolerate. At that point in the day...it was time for dinner.
I have been wanting to try this mushroom pasta recipe. I love love love mushrooms - and had a variety pack of them. Sadly, when I unwrapped them - it was a few days late - and I was back to the classic "what do I make for dinner..." I went with a broccoli pasta. This specific recipe called for garlic. I was getting my garlic ready...and I reached for my phone to call Leo to ask him a question. Literally, I picked up my phone to call him. It was awful. I immediately broke into tears. I kept thinking how I wish I could ask him just a fucking question about garlic. How unfair is it...that Leo is gone...and I can't ask him about garlic.
I love to cook - and I always loved trying new recipes. I am starting to wonder if my lack of interest is due to the fact that my personal chef and wealth of knowledge is gone... Sure...I hear music and think of Leo...but we didn't connect over music. We connected as a family - over dinners - over coffee - over sitting in the kitchen watching The Daily Show or MSNBC. One of my favorite things to do was sit in the kitchen with him...
What I have come to realize about going through a loss - this feeling is always present. Some days are worse than others - but I carry this sadness around constantly. He is one of the first thoughts that cross through my mind in the morning. I think about him all the time...
I've been watching YouTube videos of him...just to hear his voice. There is this one where he is introducing the 2011-2012 season...he is so funny and smart. I just wish there was a 2011-2012 season...
God I miss him...
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Happy Birthday, Leo!
Today has been tough...actually really tough. Today is the first day in awhile that I have had zero motivation - crying off and on - feeling really depressed kind of day. Experiencing these feelings is making me realized how long I was constantly living in this state. I can say that I am thankful this is not a daily struggle...
It was a beautiful day in Nashville - the sun was OUT - it was warmer, but all I wanted to do was watch TV and lay around. I will be honest...some days I have to fight my temptation to lay around...but I usually win that fight. I make sure to take a walk - or clean up my house - do laundry...do something productive. However, today I didn't fight and literally am still in my PJs.
Today is Leo's birthday - he would have been 59.
I'm very surprised by how difficult this "first" has been for me.
I love Tracy...she literally has been one of my only "safe people" through this. "safe people" meaning I trust her when I cry, to share my deepest thoughts, I know she listens, etc. Tracy sent me this text today - I'm so lucky to have her as a friend...
"Thinking about you today..he was such a good man that should be celebrating another year today! Wish I could take you to brunch or just hang out! Love you!"
Speaking of sweet messages...here are some facebook messages on Leo's page:
"I celebrate your birth today! It is a better place because you were here."
"
It was a beautiful day in Nashville - the sun was OUT - it was warmer, but all I wanted to do was watch TV and lay around. I will be honest...some days I have to fight my temptation to lay around...but I usually win that fight. I make sure to take a walk - or clean up my house - do laundry...do something productive. However, today I didn't fight and literally am still in my PJs.
Today is Leo's birthday - he would have been 59.
I'm very surprised by how difficult this "first" has been for me.
I love Tracy...she literally has been one of my only "safe people" through this. "safe people" meaning I trust her when I cry, to share my deepest thoughts, I know she listens, etc. Tracy sent me this text today - I'm so lucky to have her as a friend...
"Thinking about you today..he was such a good man that should be celebrating another year today! Wish I could take you to brunch or just hang out! Love you!"
Speaking of sweet messages...here are some facebook messages on Leo's page:
"I celebrate your birth today! It is a better place because you were here."
"
"
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Suppose Time
Suppose time is a circle, that bends back around.
At night, they walk home the alleys of this town
caressing every moment like a jewel they've just newly found.
Traders don't know they will make that same deal again,
politicans don't know they will shout that same line again.
Parents don't know they will hear their child's first laugh again.
Lovers making love the first time, so shy:
surprised at the fragile nipple, the supple thigh.
How would they remember each touch, each glimpse, each sigh?
From a soft, sterile bed, sunken cheeks and withered skin,
she kisses him softly, whispers goodbye again,
certain this time is the last. But how could she know...
**
...that time will begin again, she will be born again,
study at gymnasium, show her paiting in Zurich.
Again she'll meet her husband, and they'll go sailing on a warm day in July.
She will give birth again, he'll go to work again,
come home from the pharmaceutical with a lump in his throat,
again he will get weak and end up in this room, in this bed.
Suppose time is a circle, every handshake, every word,
all will be repeated, every kiss, every birth.
And everything now happening has happened now a million times before.
These are the lyrics to the one song that makes me tear up EVERY TIME i listen to Einstein's Dream. Randall composed most of the music and wrote all the lyrics - which are adapted from the novel Einstein's Dreams - by Alan Lightman. Leo wrote the music for a few songs - but did all the orchestral arrangements. This CD is one of Leo's last great gifts to the world. How lucky I am that every time I listen to or think about it - I feel a deep connection to him... It's a gift that doesn't go away...
god - I miss him. Here are some pictures (by Andy Rogers) from the premiere of Einstein's Dreams in Bay City, MI...
-Kathryn-
At night, they walk home the alleys of this town
caressing every moment like a jewel they've just newly found.
Traders don't know they will make that same deal again,
politicans don't know they will shout that same line again.
Parents don't know they will hear their child's first laugh again.
Lovers making love the first time, so shy:
surprised at the fragile nipple, the supple thigh.
How would they remember each touch, each glimpse, each sigh?
From a soft, sterile bed, sunken cheeks and withered skin,
she kisses him softly, whispers goodbye again,
certain this time is the last. But how could she know...
**
...that time will begin again, she will be born again,
study at gymnasium, show her paiting in Zurich.
Again she'll meet her husband, and they'll go sailing on a warm day in July.
She will give birth again, he'll go to work again,
come home from the pharmaceutical with a lump in his throat,
again he will get weak and end up in this room, in this bed.
Suppose time is a circle, every handshake, every word,
all will be repeated, every kiss, every birth.
And everything now happening has happened now a million times before.
These are the lyrics to the one song that makes me tear up EVERY TIME i listen to Einstein's Dream. Randall composed most of the music and wrote all the lyrics - which are adapted from the novel Einstein's Dreams - by Alan Lightman. Leo wrote the music for a few songs - but did all the orchestral arrangements. This CD is one of Leo's last great gifts to the world. How lucky I am that every time I listen to or think about it - I feel a deep connection to him... It's a gift that doesn't go away...
god - I miss him. Here are some pictures (by Andy Rogers) from the premiere of Einstein's Dreams in Bay City, MI...
 |
| I love this picture...Randall and Leo have a look of pure joy. |
 |
| amazing. |
 |
| Allan Lightman, Randall Williams and Leo. |
 |
| The entire orchestra. |
 |
-Kathryn-
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
a weird, weird day
I know that "normalcy"
is fleeting. I don't know what my normal state is anymore...I
can have a great morning followed by an awful evening. I can have a few
days of feeling good/normal - then wake up with this pit in my
stomach. I even wrote about my approach to this "normal feeling" ...that I'm doing so with a
lot of caution...and rightfully so.
Since Sunday - I have been waking up feeling nausea and anxious. I had reasons for the last two mornings - on Sunday I was nervous about meeting someone. Then Monday - I blamed it on my glass of wine before I met this person and my margarita I had out - oh, and the lack of sleep due to bad weather. However, today, I was at a loss as to why I woke up with the feeling. It kind of hit me when I was getting ready...it's Leo's birthday this Sunday. Another first - the first time I'm not sending a card - or calling him.
The anticipation for these "firsts" is beyond dreadful. I get so worked up about them a week or so before...thinking about the event consumes my mind/thoughts...then the day happens...and it's okay. It passes and I survive. I have gone through enough firsts to know that I will make it through the day...but that doesn't help. I wish his birthday didn't fall on a weekend this year - if I was at work - there is plenty of distractions.
It's not news that I have anxiety in certain situations or when my day is stressful. Bless Tracy's heart - she has had to talk me from numerous panic attacks - and this past Sunday - I was in tears because of many reason. In the moment - I know I'm being ridiculous - but I can't help to feel overwhelmed. Tonight, I had a similar experience.
I have had dental drama for over a year now. Every time I go in...the 45 minute appointment turns into hours. Prime example - today's appointment. I was there from 2 - 5:10. oh my god. I was so annoyed that I was getting home an hour later than normal - that I wouldn't be able to walk my dogs - and that I had an entire house full of feathers that still needed to be cleaned up. Lets not forget about the pain I was in...
However - I got home - mostly pick up all the feathers - cook dinner - did laundry - then was able to relax and watch SOTU. I love politics - and tonight is essentially my Oscar's night. When it's the SOTU - I usually play Bingo/take notes. Tonight - I just took notes and paired it it with half a bottle of wine. Half a bottle of wine - is probably the main reason why I was relaxed and forgot about all the stressful aspects to my day. Wine and loving politics will always help! I just can't help but smile when I see the First Lady and Joe Biden!
Kathryn
Since Sunday - I have been waking up feeling nausea and anxious. I had reasons for the last two mornings - on Sunday I was nervous about meeting someone. Then Monday - I blamed it on my glass of wine before I met this person and my margarita I had out - oh, and the lack of sleep due to bad weather. However, today, I was at a loss as to why I woke up with the feeling. It kind of hit me when I was getting ready...it's Leo's birthday this Sunday. Another first - the first time I'm not sending a card - or calling him.
The anticipation for these "firsts" is beyond dreadful. I get so worked up about them a week or so before...thinking about the event consumes my mind/thoughts...then the day happens...and it's okay. It passes and I survive. I have gone through enough firsts to know that I will make it through the day...but that doesn't help. I wish his birthday didn't fall on a weekend this year - if I was at work - there is plenty of distractions.
It's not news that I have anxiety in certain situations or when my day is stressful. Bless Tracy's heart - she has had to talk me from numerous panic attacks - and this past Sunday - I was in tears because of many reason. In the moment - I know I'm being ridiculous - but I can't help to feel overwhelmed. Tonight, I had a similar experience.
I have had dental drama for over a year now. Every time I go in...the 45 minute appointment turns into hours. Prime example - today's appointment. I was there from 2 - 5:10. oh my god. I was so annoyed that I was getting home an hour later than normal - that I wouldn't be able to walk my dogs - and that I had an entire house full of feathers that still needed to be cleaned up. Lets not forget about the pain I was in...
However - I got home - mostly pick up all the feathers - cook dinner - did laundry - then was able to relax and watch SOTU. I love politics - and tonight is essentially my Oscar's night. When it's the SOTU - I usually play Bingo/take notes. Tonight - I just took notes and paired it it with half a bottle of wine. Half a bottle of wine - is probably the main reason why I was relaxed and forgot about all the stressful aspects to my day. Wine and loving politics will always help! I just can't help but smile when I see the First Lady and Joe Biden!
Kathryn
Saturday, January 21, 2012
coffee
For over 8 months now - Leo's Anthropologie "L" mug has been wrapped in a box - sitting in my dining room. Most of the gifts I got mom and Leo were a combo gift...but last year...I got them individual mugs from Anthro...see here...adorable right?
When I went back to MI for a month after he died - I brought all their gifts I had collected to mom. Bottles of wine from Napa Valley, art, books, etc...I took mom her R mug...but left the L here in Nashville. I struggled with my decision - do I leave the mug here in Nashville or give it to my mom? I decided to leave it here...she has plenty of "things" to remind her of him...
So the mug is here in Nashville. It's odd what things I want to "keep" - I kept the gift tag where I wrote "To: Leo Love: Kathryn." Not sure why really...maybe because it's the very last gift tag I'll ever write to him...not sure.
I was surprised by how easy it was for me to unwrap the box. What wasn't easy was seeing "L." Here is the mug...and I didn't mean for this to happen in the picture, but his tea-pot behind it (he had to buy mom a new since he messed this one up - but it's still fully functional - so I took it!)...and a few inches up...you would see his pepper grinder.
I decided to drink my morning coffee out of it today. I didn't cry all morning - a few tears did fall - but it wasn't my normal type of crying. Here is the mug at the "coffee station" - which - I get nervous anytime that glass container gets low...something else I got from Mom and Leo :).
Speaking of "normal"...Tracy and I talked last night...and we talked about the Republican primary and politics in general - for awhile. It was a good discussion. I have been thinking about politics a lot lately. I was telling her how excited it makes me...because it means that I'm starting to think and focus on something other than my grief. Not that I'm "over it" or "moved on"...but I'm looking at it as if I'm figuring out who I am with Leo dying. More like I'm getting used to this feeling...and still living...parts of me are coming back.
It feels good. However, I am being careful to not get too familiar with this feeling. I know that my wound is healing/forming a scab - but anything and everything can knock it back off and it could bleed for days. Therefore, I approach this feeling with lots of caution.
I LOVE a good cup of coffee. Weekends are my favorite - because I take the time to enjoy it out of a mug. Today, my mug had a L on it...for Leo. I love him and would love nothing more to have one more cup of his coffee with him. Actually, I blame my coffee dependancy on mom and Leo...
However, his influence was always for the good - and anyone who knows me - knows about my love for a good cup of coffee.
Thanks for all the wonderful cups of coffee Leo.
Kathryn
When I went back to MI for a month after he died - I brought all their gifts I had collected to mom. Bottles of wine from Napa Valley, art, books, etc...I took mom her R mug...but left the L here in Nashville. I struggled with my decision - do I leave the mug here in Nashville or give it to my mom? I decided to leave it here...she has plenty of "things" to remind her of him...
So the mug is here in Nashville. It's odd what things I want to "keep" - I kept the gift tag where I wrote "To: Leo Love: Kathryn." Not sure why really...maybe because it's the very last gift tag I'll ever write to him...not sure.
I was surprised by how easy it was for me to unwrap the box. What wasn't easy was seeing "L." Here is the mug...and I didn't mean for this to happen in the picture, but his tea-pot behind it (he had to buy mom a new since he messed this one up - but it's still fully functional - so I took it!)...and a few inches up...you would see his pepper grinder.
I decided to drink my morning coffee out of it today. I didn't cry all morning - a few tears did fall - but it wasn't my normal type of crying. Here is the mug at the "coffee station" - which - I get nervous anytime that glass container gets low...something else I got from Mom and Leo :).
Speaking of "normal"...Tracy and I talked last night...and we talked about the Republican primary and politics in general - for awhile. It was a good discussion. I have been thinking about politics a lot lately. I was telling her how excited it makes me...because it means that I'm starting to think and focus on something other than my grief. Not that I'm "over it" or "moved on"...but I'm looking at it as if I'm figuring out who I am with Leo dying. More like I'm getting used to this feeling...and still living...parts of me are coming back.
It feels good. However, I am being careful to not get too familiar with this feeling. I know that my wound is healing/forming a scab - but anything and everything can knock it back off and it could bleed for days. Therefore, I approach this feeling with lots of caution.
I LOVE a good cup of coffee. Weekends are my favorite - because I take the time to enjoy it out of a mug. Today, my mug had a L on it...for Leo. I love him and would love nothing more to have one more cup of his coffee with him. Actually, I blame my coffee dependancy on mom and Leo...
However, his influence was always for the good - and anyone who knows me - knows about my love for a good cup of coffee.
Thanks for all the wonderful cups of coffee Leo.
Kathryn
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
8 months.
My god. how in the hell has it been 8 months? It feels like yesterday I go the phone call...that phone call. It had been weeks - even months since I had recalled that awful memory, but sadly I had a trigger a few days ago. Someone I called had just received bad news from his family and had to call me back. Immediately, I assumed the worst...and started playing my phone call over and over in my head. I had to stop what I was doing and start cleaning. Cleaning seems to be the only way to stop my mind...but I can't clean all day...and I've been thinking about my bad news phone call a lot the past few days.
I am still struggling...I'm still heartbroken...I'm still crying. I am still having a hard time grasping the fact that Leo was here on May 16 - then gone on the 17th. Just gone. No warning - no final goodbye - just gone.
I don't know how to say goodbye to him...I don't want to say goodbye.
I'm not ready...so I'll end it with the song we ended all of his memorial events with...
I miss you Leo.
I am still struggling...I'm still heartbroken...I'm still crying. I am still having a hard time grasping the fact that Leo was here on May 16 - then gone on the 17th. Just gone. No warning - no final goodbye - just gone.
I don't know how to say goodbye to him...I don't want to say goodbye.
I'm not ready...so I'll end it with the song we ended all of his memorial events with...
I miss you Leo.
Monday, January 16, 2012
MLK
MLK is one of my heroes...has been for years. He was one of Leo's too.
Leo was the one to encouraged me to read some of King's work. Looking back, I'm not surprised by this at all. In his death, it has come to light - a bright beaming light - that Leo was very influential in my life. Wanting me to learn - gain new perspectives, etc...
The song below is one of my favorites. I remember when I saw Patty Griffin at the Ryman...she ended her show with this song...and I was blown away. Listen to the words - it's from his last speech he delivered before he was killed. I love who MLK was and what he represents. If I could do a tiny fraction of what he did in his lifetime - I'd consider my life a great success.
Enjoy the song!
Leo was the one to encouraged me to read some of King's work. Looking back, I'm not surprised by this at all. In his death, it has come to light - a bright beaming light - that Leo was very influential in my life. Wanting me to learn - gain new perspectives, etc...
The song below is one of my favorites. I remember when I saw Patty Griffin at the Ryman...she ended her show with this song...and I was blown away. Listen to the words - it's from his last speech he delivered before he was killed. I love who MLK was and what he represents. If I could do a tiny fraction of what he did in his lifetime - I'd consider my life a great success.
Enjoy the song!
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