my words for Leo

Below is what I shared at Leo's service:

I know this might come as a surprise to most of you, but I actually avoided visiting and speaking to Leo on concert weekends.  I remember the first time I met “Concert Leo” I was very surprised with what I discovered.   I was pretty young at the time when mom finally allowed me to meet “concert Leo” and I saw a man who was a tad scattered, very intense, rushed, and maybe a little crazy.

However, today, I can say that now I know that “concert Leo” was just a result of his passion, his drive for perfection, and yes, I would still say a little craziness. 

While, I’m almost certain that some if not many of you know what I’m talking about when I call him “concert Leo”, I want to take the time to introduce you to the Leo that I grew to know, adore and love.   The Leo that I know is a man who opened my eyes and life to an entire world.  Not necessarily to the world of music, but to the world of love, life, art, good food and wine, pepper grinders, coffee, cats, passion and the ultimate gift of living life to the fullest. 

Instead of trying to explain, I am going to read parts of a letter I recently wrote to Leo that will hopefully paint the picture of my  Leo. 

Dear Leo,

You were a tremendous influence in my life, Thank you.   It’s so hard and painful to think of a future without you physically here, but I know that you are always in my heart.   I firmly believe that who I am today is a direct result of you. 

I learned a sense of adventure from you.  Remember all those crazy trips you took Andrew and I on?  You drove us up Highway 41, took us to Niagara Falls, I think I’ve been to every Great Lake with you, St. Simons, Las Vegas, California.  You even took me to Paris for my 18^th birthday.  Leo, I know that the fact that I only ordered chicken and potatoes drove you crazy every meal…I promise that next time I’m in Paris – I won’t even order chicken and potatoes. 

I learned to love good food and wine from you.  You were such an amazing cook.  I loved nothing more than sitting in the kitchen with you and watch you prepare a meal.  A simple meal of pesto and pasta tasted as if I went to the best restaurant in town. I love telling the story of when the four of us would sit down together for dinner  – you and I made sure we always sat by each other since mom and Andrew didn’t like pepper.  I love how you would plop the pepper grinder between us like we won a trophy.   That pepper grinder is now in my kitchen and I promise to take care of it, always use good quality pepper and more importantly to share it with those I love.

Leo, thank you for showing me what a healthy adult relationship looks like.  Thank you so much for loving my mom so deeply. It’s only fitting that your last public statement in the world of FaceBook be “ Happy Anniversary to my wonderful wife, Regina!”  Thank you for giving me a standard to hold on to should I get married.  If I end up with a man half of what you were – I will consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. 

Thank you for challenging my thinking at such a young age.   I learned to think for myself and create my own opinions. I long to be as knowledgeable as you are.  You were a source of knowledge for me.  I miss our frequent discussions about politics and especially our Jon Stewart recaps.  It was one of my favorite things to do with you.  I remember when I was in Michigan for Thanksgiving a few years ago while I was working on the campaign – you were asking me question after question.  I still hear you saying “I’m so proud of you.  I think what you are doing is one of the coolest things.”  

Leo, mostly, thank you for showing me what living life in the moment and to the fullest is all about.  You loved living.  You lived with such passion and joy.   

Thank you for allowing me to share my Leo with you.   I know that Leo was someone different to everyone in this room.    My hope is that we each take whatever influence Leo was to us  - whoever you consider to be “your Leo”– and continue to implement that into our lives.  Whether it is music, art, humor, knowledge, cooking, sailing,…  I know that Leo would love that he left us with that. 

Before I share something from my mom, the simple phrase – thank you – doesn’t fully express how grateful I am for the support that has been shown to my mom. 

 My mom wants me to remind you to hug each other and say, “I Love You” as often as you can. She also wanted me to share some lines from an Irish song that Leo sometimes sang to her. 

       Whether I wander east or west,

       Waking or dreaming,

       You are near me,

       Joy of my heart.

four months and counting

I can't believe that 3 days ago marked the four month anniversary of Leo's death.  I feel like I repeat myself often but, how in the world has it only been 4 months.  Longest time of my life.  Period.

I feel like it has been a few weeks since I've been here. 

The memorial service went really well.  Beautiful music, beautiful stories, tears, laughter.  There was over 500 people in attendance.  There was probably that many people who weren't able to attend.  What an impact his life was.   What scares me about this "event" being over is the facebook tributes to Leo are going to go away.  The checking in on my mom will stop.  That people will start and continue to move on.  I wish it was that easy.

Here is a link to the memorial service:

Here is the article about the memorial service.  I love that they called me a daughter...I hate the word and negative stigma "step" gets.

I haven't been real honest with how sad I've been lately.  I feel like I've lost the liberty to talk about Leo.  I think about him all the time.  I think about how much I hate that he isn't around.  I miss his laugh.  I miss his voice - I miss him answering the phone saying "hey, we were just talking about you..."  I miss my mom being happy and not lonely.    I just miss knowing he is alive and well in Bay City, MI. 

I started a grief support group.  Tonight was the first meeting that I was able to attend.  I don't know how I feel about it yet.  Tonight we had to share "our story" - basically what happened to our loved one.  Everyone in there lost a parent.  There is 7 of us - 4 around my age and 3 older/parent age.  Which is usually rare, but I'm thankful there are others my age.  In a weird - sick way - it's comforting.  I need support here in Nashville - I'm longing and desperate for it. 

A good majority of the participants were the caretakers.  When they were sharing their stories - I found myself getting pissed, angry,  and jealous.  I was so jealous that they got to say goodbye.  What I would give to get one more hug from Leo....to be able to say the "good bye."  I didn't get that - I had such a sudden unexpected loss.  However, I do know that both ways are awful - and unique in there own ways - and you have no idea what it's like until you go through it.  I've learned that lesson.

Next week - we have to bring in something that symbolizes Leo.  What one thing can I bring?  I have NO idea!  I have so many things that symbolize Leo to me.  I'm thinking a picture of us - and the pepper grinder.


It always goes back to the pepper grinder :) - Leo would love it!


-Kathryn-

groundhog day

You know that movie - Groundhog Day?  Where Bill Murphy experiences the same day over and over?  I feel like my life is that movie right now.

Here is my ground hogs day: Being at Mom and Leo's for a week - cleaning - picking out my "black" outfit - having to interact with a ton of their friends/family...I feel like I'm living in the week he died again.  

The memorial service is this Saturday.  How is it already here?  Part of me is happy.  Happy to finally have this event behind me - to not stress about it.  Another part of me is dreading it - it just means one less event to honor Leo.  One less event means more time has passed and I feel like I should be on the journey to healing.  I'm so far from feeling healed.

Just based on my experience - getting ready for the memorial service 4 months after a death is more difficult then the funeral a few days after the person has died.  That numb feeling is gone - and the reality that he is gone is more real than ever.

I'm stressed about talking.  I'm stressed about having mom's house "ready" for guest.  I'm stressed that I'm not going to be able to get the first word out of my mouth without crying.  I'm not numb anymore.  I can tell that my anxiety has increased greatly this week.  They are thinking that there can be up to 500 people at the service.  Holy shit.  I've spoken to a max of 40...

Yesterday - we were cleaning up the studio.  I am the organized one of the bunch - and the pressure I feel to get everything done is draining.  I need to finalize what I'm going to say - I am also working during the day.  I feel pressured to keep everyone on task - to set order to the chaos.  I felt like a bitch yesterday.  However, if I allowed myself to show my real emotions - you would see my heart breaking with everything I touched in the studio.

I love that it looks like Leo is still here - but I hate it.  It's such an awful reminder that he isn't here.

However, I hope that Saturday is a beautiful celebration of his life.  I'm looking forward to meeting more people I've heard about for years.

In the midst of this chaos - we are enjoying ourselves.  We went sailing on Sunday and it was awesome.  Here are some pictures below:

Me and Mom

Andrew driving - this picture makes me laugh.  

John and Carol Lucas.  Mom's guardian angels...
My life is richer because I know these folks.

Andrew and I

Carol helping Andrew drive

Me, John and Andrew.





I think the most important lesson I've been learning is to live life.  Fully.

this weird emotion called "joy"

It has been awhile since I've set aside time to write about what has been going on.  It's amazing how easy it is to fill life with busyness.  However, a ten hour car ride back to Michigan for the memorial service was ample amount of time to be with my thoughts.  Especially when I didn't have to drive!

I've been reflecting on this past week and it feels strange.  I didn't have Esther time - took time off work - spent a good portion of week either talking or hanging out with this guy I've recently met. It's been fun. A lot of fun actually.  I'm not going to be talking about why I enjoy his company - or that I have a crush and get giddy when I think about him :).  Actually, what I've learned is that support comes out of the blue and exactly when needed - and for that I'm so grateful.  


I want to recap this week the best way I know how: I've laughed a lot (i've missed laughing) - watch college football (so happy it's back!) - tried cooking a new recipe that didn't turn out great - ran errands - had great meals at my favorite restaurants - saw an exhibit at the Frist. All of those events were with him.  It was just a lot of fun. 
  
What is interesting is deciding when and how to intertwine Leo into getting to know someone new.  Part of me doesn't want to share this painful, emotionally raw side of myself.  It's too personal.  I feel very vulnerable and almost weak when I get emotional in front of people I don't know or trust. In this specific instance - I didn't want my tears to reflect an emotionally unstable girl and make this person run.

However, the other part of me wanted to share because - Leo dying is apart of me - this big event is now one of the biggest factors in shaping who I am becoming.  At the end of the day, I know, I am this girl who lost someone dearly important.  If you are wanting to get to know me - you also have to know this side/part/reality of my life too. Not only do you have to know this side - you have to accept it.  This is terrifying to me.

What did I decide to do?  I shared.  I was reading something about Leo and the sadness hit me like a ton of bricks.  At first I was trying to hold back my tears - which results a drastic change in my mood.  However, I explained myself a little - walked away and started crying. I expected him to continue watching football and just let me cry while I was cleaning up the kitchen - but the opposite happened. He wanted to hear what I was feeling/thinking - he let me talk - told me it was okay to cry and be stressed about the memorial service - gave me a long hug.  I was throughly impressed.  It was nice to talk to someone besides Esther, my mom, Tracy and Ashlee.


Then it hit me.  This is what being supported feels like.  I felt support. I believe it was the first time a friend had hugged me while I was crying about Leo.  He kept telling me to not apologize - crying was okay and expected. I kind of think he channeling Esther :).



-Kathryn-