love letters in books

My mom and Leo have a lot of a few things:  cats, coffee mugs, wine glasses, scores/music, and books.  Lots of books.

Recently, I have been discovering the deep love and passion my mom and Leo had for one another.  They were so tuned in to one another - they would finish each other sentences or start the same story at the exact same moment, etc.  It was freaky - however - Leo would always say "Get your own brain" or "use your own brain" when it would happen.  It always made me laugh :).

For years, I have said I want a relationship to mimic theirs.  More than anything, the love he had for her was so evident.  I just know - that if I get to marry a man half like Leo - I'd be lucky.

After I meet Randall Williams - he simply wrote "Dude, Kathryn is cool.  We hung out some in Nashville." on Leo's facebook page.  Of course, I "liked" this comment - so I've been notified of comments since.  One of Mom's and Leo's friend posted a comment about finding a book from Leo - and how his note inside the book was so fitting for that moment in her life.  My mom responded with this:

"I have shelves of books that we have given each other over the years that we felt compelled to inscribe to each other.  My most favorite is a book of photographs of cats called, "City Cats."  He had spent his life being told that he was highly allergic to cats and shouldn't be around them.  When he got me, he also got a couple of cats.  In the book he gave me he wrote, "So many things I have learned to love through you...even cats...even myself.  With endless love, Leo"

Love that note.  I think I'm probably going to have to incorporate that note into my talk at the memorial service.

Speaking of the service - I asked my dad to bring up some of my pictures from the house in Marietta.  I have found a lot of Leo, mom, Andrew and I.  I even found the picture that I took of Leo's car at the time...when I started attending UT...he put a 'power T' on the back of his car.  It might have hurt his soul - but I loved it!

The pictures are making me realize how many adventures he took me on.  I miss those adventures and hate that we won't have any more.

Good lord - I miss him dearly.

-Kathryn-

3 months, Esther Time, happiness and disappointment

The last 24 hours has been a whirlwind of emotions.   I had to open a bottle of wine when I got home - and it tasted Oh, so lovely.

 Mom had some really great/hopeful news yesterday - that led to an appointment this morning - which I'm hopeful will turn into something very positive.

However, today is the 3 month anniversay.  How in the world has it only been 3 months?  The past three months have felt like eternity.  On the other side - I can't believe it's been 3 months.  I miss Leo a lot.  It's been 3 months since he was walking on this earth...it's really hard to believe that he is gone.

I think Esther realized something today - that I haven't yet.  I don't know if I'm ready to admit this yet either.  I have confessed how much I regret that the last time I saw Leo was Nov. 2008 - but today she was saying I need to stop beating myself up about it.  I don't know how to not regret this.  If only I had known....I would have raced up there to get one more hug.  One more conversation.   One more Leo meal...one last cup of coffee...one last time sharing the pepper grinder....one more conversation about politics....just one opportunity to tell him I love him and thank you.  So sad those little events are never going to happen again.  Thank god Leo and I had that two hour long conversation shortly before he died.  The regret would be so much bigger had that phone conversation not taken place.

Esther suggested that I write Leo a letter.  To tell him how grateful I am and how much of an influence he was in my life.  To thank him for showing me - how I wanted to be treated by a husband.  I loved how much he loved my mom.

At the end of Esther Time - we go over the up-coming appointments - and I learned that the interest for teh support group has been low.  I'm so disappointed.  I really hope that interest picks up and the group meets.  I've been kind of using that as my carrot to get through the next few weeks - and with the carrot gone...it makes me feel even more alone.

I think I'm going to order the book called: Healing after Losing by Martha Hickman.  Lately, I have been wanting to read something about grief - and Esther highly recommends the book.  Who knows...maybe I need to run to McKay's this weekend.  There is an idea :).

-Kathryn-

National hug a violist day..

Sending Leo a hug today...it's national hug a violist day :)

He was so cool!  :) 

This week doesn't appear to be off on the right foot.  I've already cried 2 times today.  

I feel so. so. so. lonely.  I don't think I felt this way as an awkward middle-schooler or in my teen years when this typical emotion is suppose to be present.

It will only be 3 months since Leo died this Wednesday.  I feel like I have used my "freedom" to talk about him dying.   When people ask how I am - I shouldn't confess how I am "really" doing.  The truth is - there isn't a hour that goes by where I don't think about him - or miss him - or wish this was a horrible nightmare - and I'll wake up soon.  When I wake up - he will be at home with mom - making her coffee, making beautiful music, answering the phone when I call - I wish this wasn't my reality.  At this point, I pat myself on the back when I can hold back the tears.   Since it's been 3 months - the few people who sincerely asked how I was doing - have stopped.

All but one.  Tracy - she is my only friend that I feel 100% comfortable in sharing all the deep sad lonely emotions with.  Today - she asked how I was doing - and I said "sad and lonely" - and she didn't offer a solution, didn't try to give me advice - but just allowed me to be.

This is Tracy!  

However, I don't want to burden her with my sadness - and I feel like I do.

Tracy can't be my only support, plus she has a serious boyfriend, important job and lives in CA.  The last thing I want to do is add my "needing support" to her plate.  However, I don't know how the hell I'm going to find any support...it's so important...and yet I don't have it.    I'm longing for support - longing for some connection with someone - who will just listen to me.  Someone who will go out for a drink with me - or see a movie - or not feel awkward when I cry.   Someone...anyone...

I found this wonderful post this afternoon called: ways to support someone who is grieving.  This post really spoke to me today.   For two reasons really.  1. it reiterates the need for support.  2.  also makes me feel "normal" with some of my reactions.

I would have to add one though.  Don't ever say "cheer up; that person wouldn't want you to be sad; smile for that person; focus on the good memories; etc."  Those phrases are not helpful.  Personally, if I ever hear "cheer up" again...I might scream :).

Go hug a violist!

-Kathryn-

My latest phrase...

I keep repeating "it's not fair, it's not fair" in my head.   I say it when I think about my personal loss, when I talk to my mom, when I think of my brother, when I think of Leo's friends and when I think their community.  It's just not fair.

It's been a really hard couple days.  I don't want to talk to anyone besides my mom.  On Wednesday - I'm pretty certain I cried for a good 3-4 hours.  I'm having those sessions more frequently.  I just don't understand why this had to happen.  I wish I had another few years - at least.  I wish the loved ones left behind were given a heads-up.  I just wish I had more time with Leo.

I had a cooking question last week.  I picked up my phone to call and ask him - then I remembered - I lost my source.  It sucks.  Who am I going to call now?

I miss you a lot Leo...

It's not fair.

Esther Time - 3rd Round

Today has been hard.   Today, while I was at work, I had the music on my phone on shuffle.  A song from Einstein’s Dreams came on – and the tears start to fall.  For whatever reason, I looked at The Bijou’s website to further the torture.   Since I was crying at work, I decide to quickly close the website – and hit skip on my phone.  I was able to gain composure pretty quickly. 

Today, I didn’t want to go see Esther.  It’s not that I didn’t want to see her – I’m sad and mad that I go see her.  I can’t really pinpoint my emotions with this.  I’m so thankful that I decided to go talk to someone – and I’m thankful that person is Esther.  She is so warm – and accepting.  I feel like I’m having coffee with an old friend – but without coffee and me talking about myself the whole time J.

Right before I head out of work to go to the appointment – I can’t make a decision about bringing my glass of water.  I ask Ashlee and Jessica (coworker and boss) what I should do – then start tearing up.  I feel crazy at times.   I cried the entire way to the appointment.  Again, had the ability to gain composure – walked in – waited for Esther to get me – walked into her office and started crying again.   

I’ve realized that my time with Esther is a safe place.  I don’t have the support I need in Nashville.  That’s has been a tremendously tough realization to recognize.  I have been finding myself focusing on this fact - I really don't need to waste my energy with this.  I should put that energy in finding new friends, however, it's exhausting.   I am looking forward to joining a support group.  The first meeting is  the Tuesday after the memorial service - I think it will be good for my soul.    

My brother joined the Marines today – and mom told me she woke up because she was dreaming about him dying.  This makes me want to kick him for joining.  Is it awful to hope he gets a desk/cubical job?  I am proud of him, because he has had this goal for months – and was able to stick with it.   I’m trying to be excited for him, but it’s really difficult.  Especially, in light of Leo.  

I’m ready to go back to MI.  I’m ready to be around mom and the people who knew Leo.  I long for it actually.  Next Wednesday will mark the 3 month anniversary.  I can't believe it's a. already been 3 months and b. has only been 3 months.  This is worst thing I've ever experienced...ready for a little healing, but honestly don't see it any time soon.

Today, I was looking through my notebook that I make notes/to do list in.  I found my christmas ideas for people last year.  I just can't believe he won't be on that list this year.  I find this so unfair.  

-Kathryn-

Esther Time - 2nd round

For the next month, I'm meeting with Esther on Wednesdays at 3:30.  It's the perfect time - I leave work and don't have to return - and it puts me home in the afternoon as if I left work.  It's really nice to not have to worry about returning to the office...I think that would be a difficult task to accomplish.

Today in the waiting room I met Joyce.  Joyce lost her husband - who was 59 - last September - and it's taken her this long to be able to talk someone.  We were sharing stories and our losses - and I left the room saying "i wish you could meet my mother."  Mom and Joyce have a lot in common - lost their spouse at a young age, haven't have the best of luck in the job market - basically dealing with any other stress that could come ones way - both Joyce and mom are dealing.  In those 5 minutes of talking with Joyce - I felt as if I had made a new friend.  Finally, someone in Nashville who is hurting too - I thought.  Someone who won't think I'm crazy or get uncomfortable when I cry.  The 5 minute interaction with Joyce confirmed my need/want to join a support group.  What I loved is we didn't do the bullshit small talk - we immediately went into the "who did you lose?"  There is something refreshing about being able to be real and honest with another person (besides Esther, mom and Tracy).  Joyce is also going every Wednesdays - I hope to see her next week in the waiting room.

Esther Time wasn't really emotional today...which I'm okay with.  I cried when she asked me "have you ever thought what you would say to Leo if he was here?"  That's when I started to cry.  I think that I will use that question as a backdrop to my talk/letter to Leo at his memorial service in September.

Mom and I talked about it last night - and I'm going to share what Leo was in our family.  He wasn't a conductor - he was a musical genius yes - but he was a member of my family.  He was Leo - my stepdad...or as I am now referring to him as dad#2.  He was someone who I shared the pepper grinder with.  Leo was someone who took me to Paris - and knew everything about anything.  He taught me about cooking - he showed me how I want to be loved by my future husband by watching him love my mom.  He made her coffee every morning.  Every morning.  He cooked for me and for others.  He was the person who I was able to have funny witty banter with.  We love Jon Stewart - and would rehash the previous night's episode.  we would always talk about politics.  I loved it.  He taught me how to love things in life - and live in the moment.  God, he was so good at living in the moment.  I long to be that passionate about life. He has had such profound influence on my life and I regret that I'm just now recognizing it.  He was the person who told me that I'm doing such a cool thing by working on a campaign for free.  He was the person who would take the backroads before he would get on the interstate.  Therefore a 45 minute car ride would turn into a 2 hour ride...which I find to be irritating - but it was Leo!  I could list "what he was" for pages and pages - and that is what I want to be shared at his service.  I feel honored that I'm going to be up there talking - I just hope for the ability to speak and not fall apart.

The memorial service is going to be tough.  I think the funeral will be a different hard in comparison to the memorial service.  Because, by the time the memorial service comes around - we will be a week shy of 4 months.  It's real now - very real.  I really have no idea where to start with my "talk" but I do know that I feel honored and lucky to have been thought of and asked.  I think another reason it will be tough - is a lot of people who weren't able to make it to the funeral - will be at the memorial service.  It's another round of meeting people, putting the years of stories with a face, etc.  However, I do love meeting these people - and I think that mom and Leo are some of the luckiest people with who they have in their lives.    More than anything, I can't wait to see my mom...

-Kathryn-